to not want my husband with me when I give birth?

[mishymoshy]

For the following reasons:

1. I am worried he will see something horrendous that will be forever etched on his mind and he won't be able to look at me the same way
   

1. The fear of (1) will make me unable to relax
   

1. I don't want him to get upset seeing me in pain, and am worried it will freak him out (variation of (1)) and therefore someone else would make a better birth partner
   

However he would like the experience of seeing his child born. I think he assumes it will all be straightforward, but it might not.

Anyone else given birth without DH? Or wished they had??

[mishymoshy]

Malificence, it sounds like you got just the birth you wanted which is great. But that level of husband involvement is my idea of pure hell, sorry.

Just the same as a woman ability to give birth has no impact on how good a mother she will be, a man's squeamishness does not disqualify him from being a good father (that's in defence of the pp's H rather than my own).

Anyway, I'm not sure how desperate he is to be there. He says he wants to, but may be more out of curiosity than anything. I may ask him to get some other fathers' perspectives.

[gingercat12]

Oh, and my husband held DS first. It is very memorable for all of us [in love]

He also needed to clean the house while I was in hospital, as my waters broke at home.

I also agree that it is good if somebody can speak up on your behalf when you are so vulnerable.
Midwives kept wanting to send us home, when somthing was clearly amiss. The second time DS said that we are only going to the cafe of the maternity ward, because we need to be here. At this they called a doctor who agreed that we need to stay, as something does not feel quite right.

[Diamondback]

Have him watch a couple of episodes of 'One Born Every Minute' if you're worried he has an unrealistic idea of what it'll be like!

Ultimately, it's up to you what you feel comfortable with, but I'd feel sorry for your DH that he wants to be there and you won't let him - it is his child too.

[apple99]

My dh said from the minute we got a positive pg test that he did not want to be in the delivery room and I was quite relieved. I know if I had REALLy wanted him there he would have been but I wasn't bothered at all.

He stayed with me until it was time to push and then retreated to the waiting room. I found it much easier to focus on my own without the distraction of having dh there and he came back in once I had been stitched up and dd was wrapped up in my arms.

Worked for us and will probably do the same next time round.

[tl10]

Speaking as someone who is reluctant to walk around in front ofmy partner with no make up on I had similar fears to yours. But seriously, trust me, they are ridiculous,you are seriously underestimating him and my boyfriend was my rock throughout. Giving birth is hard but also magical and without being gushy my boyfriend is like my best mate- I don't understand why you feel that his feelings are so shallow towards you that you delivering his first child into the world will put him off you?!! And why you wouldn't want to share one of the most important moments of your life together?

Think about it logically- it's bizarre how you feel lol. In the weeks after when you are sore, bleeding like mad etc it will make much more sense to your partner as they will appreciate the hard work you put in to deliver your child and will not just think you are giving him the brush off as they will understand what you have gone through. They will also have new respect for you. As someone else brilliantly said, you sometimes need someone to fight your corner as NHS services are pushed and you are not at your most coherent and mobile to go and nag for things if they are not being done. Lets face it- no one's lady bits are gorgeous anyway and your partner was interested enough before!

As an aside- one of my biggest fears was going to the toilet (you know what I mean lol). My midwife was fab at getting my bf to run to the vending machine etc to get 'water', 'sweets' etc whenever she sensed I was feeling embarrassed- they are used to it. It was all in my head though as it happened.

Let him be there- he sounds a lovely bloke and trust me anyone could wander in and have a nosey by the time your in the full throws (sp?) and you wouldn't care. Believe me, it will not put him off sex- by the time he's waited for you to heal/stop bleeding he'll have forgotten any issues you think he might have.

Good luck xxx

[amberleaf]

YABU. Its his baby too why shouldnt he see it being born?

You sound a bit precious and i think you're in for a shock!

[NonnoMum]

YANBU.

There is some evidence that a woman gives birth more straightforwardly (?) if there is not a man about...

It is only fairly recently that men have been expected (?) to be at the birth - woman laboured just with other woman for generations.

Husband missed DC1 being born quite by accident and I have no regrets about that. He was there for 2 and 3, but I was trying the old vending machine trick to get him out for the loud gory bits, but he didn't quite get the hint.

I think the most important bit about being a good father is being there for the next 18 (or 60??) years, not being there the moment they are being squeezed out of your fanjo.

[thell]

Well....I think if your DH wants to be there then he should be allowed to, given that he is genuinely keen to be involved and helpful.

Just let him know the sorts of things you are concerned about, and perhaps nominate another birth supporter to be there with you.

Personally I'm happy for my DH to be there - I was a bit concerned about him being grossed out first time round, and he didn't want to catch the baby or cut the cord, but he certainly wasn't traumatised by the experience or put off sex!
In fact about a week later he was posting on the Guardian website about how pro-homebirth the experience had made him!

[stillbobbysgirl]

it has always amazed me how my husband could ever look at (any) part of me as sexy after seeing me push 2 babbies out, but men are sexual creatures and nothing puts them off

when it comes down to it, you would gladly give birth in the fruit aisle of tesco's and not care if it meant getting that baby out, believe me

i agree that if he sees it happen, he will love and respect you even more after seeing what you go through - after my first one I remember my DH saying to me 'god, you are really hard - i never thought you were that tough, you were amazing"

[stillbobbysgirl]

also, yes - it will probably freak him out

this is a GOOD THING

[mishymoshy]

How is freaking him out a good thing?

[tl10]

I think you need to focus more on what is lovely for your new baby and family- not what you perceive is good for your husband. You seem completely absorbed in what you think his feelings are/will be even though I'm pretty sure they are not quite right. As someone who gave birth 10 weeks ago and had huge hang ups (even resorted to getting a spray tan (which they wiped off with all the alcohol solution they use haha) /eyelashes/manicure done the day I knew I was going to be induced- YES THAT BAD LOL) looking gorgeous in the labour did not matter. My bf didn't want to really be there eitherbecause of fear and silly horror stories his dad had told him about his own mother giving birth and yet tells me now he would have not missed it for the world. Your husband is perpared to be there yet the image of what we perceive of giving birth after watching films/ tv is often a 1000 worse than what it actually is- yet he is still up for it. Speaks volumes about how nice he is to me.

He doesn't have to see everything (see my above comment) can stay above your shoulder and not cut the cord (all what mine did throughout except from holding my thigh down at the end as I'd lost the energy to do it myself) and yet I know my boyfriend is not remotely affected by anything he saw- our sex life if you must know (because I think this is what this is really about) is no different from before except I feel even more loved.

I don't want to you to think I'm a bossy bitch trying to get you to do something you don;t want to do but I recognise myself pre-birth in what you are writing and know personally that I would have had huge regrets/resentment and felt very lonely if my bf hadn't had been there. I also think my birth would have been immensely harder without him and my wonderful midwife who I got from a quarter of the way through to the end. I think he will feel much more warmly towards you if you let him be there than if you don't and I think that's what this is really about. It's up to you though. xxx

[theevildead2]

Malificence how rude and offensive. Because someone is squamish they shouldn't be a parent?

I love my dh I didn't choose him for his ability to nurse me if I became ill?

I'm assuming your dh has some sort of medical background? bcause if not it seems pretty ill advised for him to have that level of contact with you while you were giving birth!

[Puffykins]

I don't think that you are being unreasonable unless he really wants to be there. I wanted my mother there - I felt that she'd be more helpful, having been there before, but DH was insistent. So I gave him a job. He had a jug and a glass and had to keep my hydrated.
It worked really well until the very end - I discovered later that he had been between my legs with a torch and a mirror (I was in a birthing pool.) I didn't really care by then, anyway. And he thought it was amazing.
But that's about me.
My basic message is, if your DH insists on being there, give him a job and make him stick to it.

[NellieForbush]

YANBU - Do what makes you feel most comfortable and give yourself the best chance of feeling relaxed and therefore having a smooth labour. Don't try and force yourself to be happy about something that you're not ok about.

Have him nearby, you could always send for him.

Its not a spectator sport. You aren't giving birth together, its just you. Do what is right for you.

[tl10]

theevildeed- The difference is that women can be as squeamish as we like but if we don't try and conquer that to a degree (as well as cope with all the pain etc) then no one would ever be parents! The poster who mentioned their partner being horrified by the scan- without being unkind here andeach to theirown- I find bizarre and I cannot really comprehend how their baby was conceived if they are that horrified by normal bodily functions/development.

I also think malifience has a point in the illness bit- isn't one of the marriage vows concerned with sickness/health? We won't stay (well in my case) 27 forever and it seems short-sighted to never expect our partners to be there for ups and downs and when we are at our most vulnerable as areal crux and support and not just our most fit/gorgeous stages. I thought that's what love was meant to be about?

[tl10]

sorry typing whilst having a cuddle with my little girl and space bar is knackered lol :)

[FrequentNutter]

My mother was with me for my first child, my sister was with for the second.

[thumbwitch]

I think everyone is different and you don't know what the experience is going to be like until you go through it.

I was sure I was going to be swearing my head off and pulling DH's chest hairs out - but when it came to it, it was all I could do to squeeze his hands (very hard, admittedly) as I was semi-comatose between contractions.

You can keep him head-end, you know - that was my plan for DH, I didn't want him seeing the business end and neither did he - but in the end, he had to go business end to help the MWs because it all suddenly happened very quickly and he needed to hold a foot. but he wasn't traumatised after all - just very moved emotionally.

HTH.

[midori1999]

I think YABU if your DH wants to be there. You get to carry the baby for 40 weeks, shouldn't he be able to be part of the birth if he wants to?

I can't imagine wanting anyone except DH there with me for the birth of our child, nor can I imagine how resentful he would feel if I refused to allow him to be there.

When I had our twins at 23+5 I had to ask DH to check if DD1 had been born as the midwife was over the other side of the room and she was so tiny I honestly wasn't sure if she'd been born. (previously had 10lb baby!) No pushing involved. Then I had to ask him to check if DD2 was being born and she was halfway out. That was one of the worst days of our lives and most traumatic and I can't imagine how my DH must have felt seeing what he saw. He has seen some unimaginable things in Afghanistan and yet he said that was all nothing compared to that day.

Has any of it put him off sex? Nope... Has it changed how he feels about me? I think so, we are much, much closer now and I think we have a new found respect for each other. Hopefully the birth of the baby I am carryng now will be a happier event, but I am more than happy for DH to be there and be at whatever 'end' he likes.

[mishymoshy]

I would be more than happy for him to carry it Midori!

[tl10]

Midori are your twins ok now? I agree with all you said and found it very emotive. x

[mears]

As a midwife I have had occasions where women have not wanted their husbands there and that is OK. Women need to feel secure to labour well so I disgree that it is the man's choice. It is the woman's choice who she wants to have with her and it isn't the case that all men add support. I can't tell you how many times women have cracked on in labour when their husband's have left to go to the canteen or out for a smoke. To me those women really preferred not to have their partner there but couldn't say it.
OP - do what feels right for you.

[midori1999]

Really?! In spite of everything I wouldn't want to miss out on something so wonderful for anything!

[midori1999]

tl10, we lost Megan (DD!) at 15 minutes old and Imogen (DD2) at 9 days old. Truly awful, but my waters around Megan had broken at 14 weeks and we knew that we would be very lucky to even end up with one live baby, let alone two. That was one reason my labour/birth was so traumatic.

I am just very, very glad that I at least managed to get to that gestation and both my girls were born alive and we were able to spend a short time with them.

Sorry to go off topic OP.