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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my husband with me when I give birth?

135 replies

mishymoshy · 11/01/2011 20:08

For the following reasons:

  1. I am worried he will see something horrendous that will be forever etched on his mind and he won't be able to look at me the same way
  1. The fear of (1) will make me unable to relax
  1. I don't want him to get upset seeing me in pain, and am worried it will freak him out (variation of (1)) and therefore someone else would make a better birth partner

However he would like the experience of seeing his child born. I think he assumes it will all be straightforward, but it might not.

Anyone else given birth without DH? Or wished they had??

OP posts:
theevildead2 · 13/01/2011 02:53

Last post was not entirely coherent but its 2 am and I think I might be in early labour. So come on someone pick me up on it. if you think you are hard enough

mathanxiety · 13/01/2011 02:56

'If I'm not 100% comfortable it will be harder and more risky for me and the baby. That's what the qualified midwife on this thread has said.'

Believe me, you will not be 100% comfortable. Birth is never 100% comfortable. You will be lucky to get 50% comfortable. You will be lucky to be attended by mws and staff who speak English in some hospitals. And it is never without risk. If having a father there meant there was less comfort for mothers and more risk to any significant extent, then fathers would not be there. At all.

It sounds as if you are very nervous about the experience and desperately trying to control whatever part of it you can here. And coming across as quite cold towards your H in the process.

theevildead2 · 13/01/2011 03:01

I can't watch One Born EveryMinute without wanting to punch at least one the husbands in the face each time.

Athrawes · 13/01/2011 03:47

I wish I had at least kept my husband at the top end - he watched the heart rate dropping, the doctor slicing me up and our boys head being pulled out sideways by ventouse. I had an epidural so felt very little of all of it but he found it really traumatic watching me vomiting and shaking in shock and as far as he was concerned, his baby close to death. No one explains to the husband in the heat of the moment and there is no support afterwards to say "are you alright mate?".

Clippedwings · 13/01/2011 05:43

It does make me laugh at how some people on here are so sure that just because something worked for them, it is the ONLY way, and that they are so sure their opinion is more valid than yours, OP.
I feel the same way as you do. I also agree with the midwife Mears.
From what I have read, research seems to indicate that having FEMALE birthing partners around often makes for an easier birth. And I'm sure that is why in most other cultures, men are not present. The move towards natural childbirth, being upright in labour, embracing midwife-led processes seems to indicate to me that nature knows best and I stand to be corrected, but I think in the animal world, the female of the species usually gives birth alone.
The cervix is a sphincter and the more relaxed you are, the easier the birth will be.
I told my DH that he could be with me through the labour bit, but when it comes time to push, I'd like him to leave the room and let me get on with it and focus - but I want him to be nearby so that he can see his DC just after he/she arrives. I figure by saying that, I can take it back later, if I don't care anymore/change my mind.
Do what feels right for you. Ignore the sanctimonious people on here that tell you you are being unreasonable or you are wrong. Your OH is not going through the pain, it might be his child too, but it is your body and your peace of mind, so do what feels right to you. But just be open to the fact that you may change your mind.
Best of luck.

asdx2 · 13/01/2011 06:20

I have five children and my husband hasn't been at the birth of any of them. He's squeamish and I didn't want him there so he never was.He has been there soon after to meet our child but not before I was tidied up a little. What has generally happened then is that he has our child whilst I go for a bath. I have never missed him being there and he doesn't feel he missed out and he has a good relationship with all five of our children so no harm done.
It might not be the norm but it has worked for us.

BeenBeta · 13/01/2011 07:49

Thinking about this some more. I would of course have agreed to not be present at the birth if DW had said she didnt want me to be.

However, I would have sat there at home by the phone in a knot of anxiety the whole time and possibly might (over time) have come to slightly resent the fact that she didnt want me there for the birth but pull my weight on all the exhausting, boring bits afterwards.

In the old days, men were not present at the birth but didnt take much part in their care and upbringing either.

Quid pro quo perhaps.

nikki1978 · 13/01/2011 08:11

"For the people who say their partner couldn't cope with the birth - how the hell would they cope if they had to care for you if you were seriously ill or disabled for goodness sake?"

This is what I was just thinking!

It is a tough one but I feel it is a bit unfair that he doesn't get to choose if he can see the birth of his child :(

I didn't even think about DH being put off sex. I wouldn't think he was much of a man if I thought that. I loved him being there during the labour and birth of both our children. The first one he was so supportive and even let me bite his arm till it bled during the worst of the contractions Blush. I'm very lucky he was there for the birth of DS as it was very fast and ended up being unassisted at home so he delivered him. He was splattered with blood and god knows what but he still thinks I am a goddess and would have sex with me 4 times a day if I would let him Grin.

Your DH doesn't have to look when the baby comes out and that is the only time really that you would see and blood or anything - and even then there is usually a small amount. You are making it sound like it will be a bloodbath! The main problem I think men find is seeing their partner in pain and not being able to do anything. Men do hate to feel powerless but if he is prepared for all this then why not let him be there.

I find it a bit odd that you would be tense that he might see certain things Hmm

SarfEasticated · 13/01/2011 09:00

Yabu, it's his child too, and having someone there to support you, argue with the MW on your behalf is really valuable. You and your unborn baby are in a vulnerable position during labour (IMO) and having yr husbands support is really good. It's really bonding too and my DH was really proud of me and thrilled to hold our Dd first while the midwives tended to me.
Giving birth is such a physically overwhelming process that I wouldn't have cared or notice who else was there, I just kept focused on my Dh and getting our baby out safely. It's an amazing thing to share I think.

NinkyNonker · 13/01/2011 09:09

Hmm, why ask?

NinkyNonker · 13/01/2011 09:09

Besides,surely actual experiences count too?

JuicyLips · 13/01/2011 09:22

I think its not fair that because you may feel uncomfortable he will miss out on the birth of his child, however scary that may be. I've just asked my dh what he thought about the situation and My dh said the same. He has seen both our children born, and though not nice seeing me in pain it was an amazing experience and isn't one bit traumatised. I needed my dh there. It wouldnt have been the same without him but in the end it is your choice I suppose but just make sure you dont both regret it.

SarfEasticated · 13/01/2011 09:23

For the record my Dh did do half the work looking after our dd, she had jaundice and had to be cup fed, we shared everything and still do. I

MadBanners · 13/01/2011 09:29

With my first born, my dh did not really want to be there.

tbh, tough, if I had to be there, then he damn well had to. I had my Mam too. I had 7 plus hours of pushing, had a huge panic attack after a few hours, but still glad he was there, although he was under strict instructions to stay at head end!

I will never forget, after baby was here, I'm lying there in a daze, my Mam asked me if I could see what I had (I had almost forgotten the baby so relieved it was over!) I looked down, the midwife and the consultant were dealing with the baby (I had a few of them in there by the end) and I could not see anything, had lost my glasses a few hours before, so I looked at dh and asked him, and he was crying and leant down and told me we had a boy. It was a lovely moment for me.

After he told me, he wishes my Mam had not been there sometimes, as he felt she took over a bit, but understood I wanted her there.

Ofc, could have done without him for the second, just me and him, and as I'm pushing he is sitting on the other side of the room moaning he is tired and in agony due to a toothache!

PlentyOfParsnips · 13/01/2011 10:18

'It is still just as much his baby and he still has a right to be at the birth of his baby.'

No he doesn't, and nor should he. We've come a long way in recent decades in giving women choice, as far as medically possible, in the sort of birth they want - where they give birth, who they are attended by etc. and to grant fathers an automatic right to attend would be a massive step backwards.

Judging by this thread, most women do want their partners there and most of those partners do want to be there, it's a wonderful bonding experience and everything's lovely ... but some women don't want their partner there, for a variety of reasons, and their wishes should be respected.

It bothers me immensely that such a recent trend, which seems to be unique to the West, has become an issue of fathers' rights.

asdx2 · 13/01/2011 10:43

My choice had nothing to do with whether he'd want sex or whether he'd cope. It was just a gut feeling that I'd prefer him not to be there and because he had no wish to be there then it has never been an issue.
As it is when labouring I "retreat into myself" so don't "need" anyone there. I feel that it is preferable that a couple agrees between themselves but ultimately I think a woman's choice should prevail.

NellieForbush · 13/01/2011 10:55

Of course it is his child too. But its not his birth, he doesn't have to do it and he has no right to be there. You can't force yourself to be comfortable with him being there, if he really cares he will wait outside if this is what you want.

Having the Father present is a relatively modern fashion which is wonderful for some couples but not for everyone and shouldn't be automatic.

Everyone is different mishy, do what feels right.

(By the way, my dh was there both times but I'm prepared to accept that this is not the best thing for everyone)

mathanxiety · 13/01/2011 14:53

I wouldn't see it as an issue of father's rights, but one where an OP seems to have some sort of over-modest, almost Victorian apprehension about her H seeing her bottom or seeing her involved in some sort of almost animal-like activity and hasn't advanced any more serious reasons for the baby's father not to be there besides those (except for clutching at a reason - alleged risk and alleged benefits of being 'comfortable' - thrown in late in the game by a MW here).

It seems there's a vague and quite sexist notion of men not belonging there, men being unable to cope, men just getting in the way and women needing to keep up some sort of mystique about their bodies that smacks of housewives in the 50s changing out of their housecoats and putting on lipstick before hubby came home in case he suspected they had been up to their elbows in laundry earlier in the day.

If men are to do better then they need to be expected to go to the ante natal classes and be genuinely helpful during childbirth (and no-one should be there if they haven't attended classes beforehand - it's not entertainment.)

SurreyDad · 13/01/2011 15:31

If the father isn't there, he may end up having too many unanswered questions. If the mother doesn't want him there, then that is one thing, but do not make assumptions about whether he can handle it or not, or whether he should be there or not, without discussing it with him!

Deliaskis · 13/01/2011 16:37

Having spent the last three weeks, morning and evening, squeezing the most disgusting infected gunk out of a 5cm wide cyst on DH's back, and fully accepting that when we're older, for whatever reason, I may well have to help him use the toilet, wash, dress, etc. or he might have to do any of those things for me, I am honestly surprised that quite a few people seem to be genuinely concerned about what their partner might see and consequently think of them if he sees them giving birth.

It's obviously everybody's own personal decision, but seriously, what do people think will happen if the day comes when they need help wiping their own ar$e (which unlike giving birth, has no up-side)?

D

SarfEasticated · 13/01/2011 16:42

Respect! mathan

mommmmyof2 · 13/01/2011 16:59

Not rad whole thread, but my answer to original question is, I don't think you are BU to be worried about him and to wonder whether he will be able to support you while you are in birth.
However this is his child being born, telling him you don't want him there is a bit mean no matter what your reasons are.
He can stay by the upper half if you are worried about what he may see, but my dh described me as a car crash Hmm but he loves me even more for giving him children.
And if you are worried about the support aspect of it, can you not have 2 birth partners?
I had dh and my mom, and I would never have changed it Grin

Wigglesmummy · 13/01/2011 18:13

Can you play it by ear? Give him the ground rules - stay away from business end, don't fuss me and do exactly what you are told including but then see how it goes. If he accepts that the rules then let him be there but make sure he is on your team. I had difficult and lengthy birth and neeeeeeeded DH to be there . Then had emergency section because of concerns about the baby and (in case of worst case scenario) I wanted to have someone to go with the baby who I trusted completely, when due to complete immobility and need for stitching, I could not. Also make him read the books, go to the classes and pack the hospital bag and be in charge of it so he can be useful and not an irritating spare part. How long have you got to train him - if he wants to be there he needs to know what he is doing - men like to have a role!

valiumredhead · 13/01/2011 18:18

I didn't want dh in with me and I had a birth partner all lined up - as it happened it all got very 'medical' and had to have a section. Dh was pulling on scrubs before I could blink! Grin He was AMAZING and reassuring in ways which I would never have given him credit for. In fact it's making me a bit teary eyed just thinking about it :)

See how you feel on the day and go with that. Good luck.

noodle69 · 13/01/2011 18:52

I have never known a dad who saw the birth say it wasnt a great experience and they were glad they experienced it.

However I have met a fair few men that said not being at the birth has made them unable to bond ith their babies and not feel as close to them (also most were comparing them with subsequent babies where they did witnesss the birth that they said they feel much closer to).