to not want my husband with me when I give birth?

[mishymoshy]

For the following reasons:

1. I am worried he will see something horrendous that will be forever etched on his mind and he won't be able to look at me the same way
   

1. The fear of (1) will make me unable to relax
   

1. I don't want him to get upset seeing me in pain, and am worried it will freak him out (variation of (1)) and therefore someone else would make a better birth partner
   

However he would like the experience of seeing his child born. I think he assumes it will all be straightforward, but it might not.

Anyone else given birth without DH? Or wished they had??

[mathanxiety]

It's very advisable to have someone there to speak on your behalf and ask the medical staff what's going on, give yo some support, a hand to grab and squeeze etc., but someone who knows nothing about the process and what could go wrong, or even what happens when everything goes smoothly is worse that no-one. If he wants to go, then the two of you should go to ante natal classes together and prepare.

I agree with Malificence here. There are a lot of women who would love a willing H to be there helping them out and a hospital can be a scary place to be all alone when you're giving birth, with no-one to speak up for you, ask for pain relief, ask not to have an internal exam when you're contracting and lots of other little details. You have a man who wants to be there. Send him off to learn what can happen so that he can be of some use.

Don't deny him the experience and don't deny yourself the genuine help and support he could offer you.

[theevildead2]

A scan made him feel unwell !? How long would he have been in the room before he had keeled over if you insisted scouser? :)

[EricNorthmansMistress]

How many posters on here have H/Ps who were 'put off' or upset by watching them give birth? Seriously, hands up?

My DH may have missed the hard bit but he was there while the doc was attempting to stitch up my ripped perineum and got a good eyeful, legs in stirrups and everything. He's still more than happy to get up close and personal with my vagina!

[MissBeehiving]

Sounds to me like you are worried about him being there your own reasons, which is fair enough. It's your birth experience, how you feel comfortable giving birth is pretty important!

FWIW I didn't want my DH peering up my fanjo with DS1 - well he didn't want to look, to be fair, so he stayed at the bowling end. He was a great support - much better than fannying around at the other end (if you'll excuse the pun).

With DS2 it was an elective CS so there was a large screen up. I didn't want to see my insides being sliced open, thanks and neither did DH. He was a great support again. Do what you both feel comfortable with.

[undercovamutha]

If you really truly don't want him there, then you must go with what you feel.

However, I think you should think long and hard about it.

One of the most wonderful things about having my DCs was having my DH there to experience it with me. I don't mean that to sound all mushy and 'perfect'.

My DH is not always the most selfless parent or H. Its not all hearts and roses by an means. However the memory of how supportive he was, how much he really tried/wanted to help, and the fact that he held both DCs for ages whilst I was being 'sorted', reminds me of how much I love him - and helps me put up with him when he is being an arse!

Give your DH a chance to show his support, and share the moment with you. It might be gory, it might be noisy and yucky!, and it will most certainly be bloody painful, but you should share the experience.

[superv1xen]

i had this too. there was no way i wanted dp to see me give birth for all the reasons you listed and more.

i had 2 planned c/sections in the end. and he was there and didn't see anything i didnt want him to see, and it was a lovely, calm experience :)

not saying c/s is necessarily the way to go; just sharing my own experience. and letting you know you are not alone.

[soccerwidow]

I think you are being slightly ur, but at the end of the day, it is still your choice who you have supporting you.

I have a fab DH and only wanted him, but quite a few of my friends have had their DP's and another "birth partner" whom I think were all female (DM's, DS's, BF's etc)

As someone above suggested, maybe having another person supporting you alongside DH would mean that the preasure is off your DH and he could come & go as needed/wanted.

I have never wanted to know about what DH saw so have never asked him

[cunexttuesonline]

I asked DH to stay by my head, which he did. I think you are being unfair denying him from being there when his child is born if he wants to be there.

[mishymoshy]

I have potential birth partners who could give just as much support, and know more about childbirth etc.

I'm glad he wants to be there, just not sure I want him to be.

[theevildead2]

I had surgery two years ago and DH was useless after it. I don't mean he wasn't helpful.

Just when I winced in pain.. his face crumpled. And he looked shell shocked by all the stuff that came with it (i had to give myself shots in my stomach etc)

Because of that I decided I didn't want him in the room with me when I gave birth. One because I was worried for him and two because he is the sort of person who will listen to the doctor no matter what I say. And I knew if a doc or nurse said something he wouldn't be
my advocate but the hospital's which made me nervous.

That said we started a hpnotbirthing class which one made me more relaxed about labour but also made DH more relaxed about it. He has also learned why he needs to listen to me and what I want and I believe now that he will do all that. So I am happy for him to be in the room. If I didn't think he could do that for me I wouldn't let him in the room just because he wanted it.

[saffy85]

YANBU and you are. He wants to be there and I hope you let him. Most dad's stay well away from the business end anyway.

My DP had a peek when DD crowned as curiousity got the better of him and it didn't put him off sex. He was trying to get in my pants to make another within a week after that!

[scouserabroad]

the evildead he looked really pale and sat down quite quickly after about 10 minutes and said "It's moving inside you!" Then he left the room

[discobeaver]

I think you are def not being unreasonable. Agree with the poster who said seeing the birth isn't necessarily a mystical experience. I can fully identify with all your reasons.

[curlymama]

I told exDP that he was under no circumstances to look down there, he was under strict instructions to stay firmly at the head end, which to his credit he did. Although he desperately wanted to see. And I told the midwives to make sure he didn't stray. I was paranoid about him seeing me differntly as well, and worried that it would put him off sex. Strangely I wasn't so worried when milk was shooting out of my chest though!

If your Dh wants to be there alot, would you consider this?

I also had my Mum in the room for most of the labour, but I'd asked her to leave for the actual delivery. She was clinging in though so I somehow managed to gasp at her to go and the midwife made sure she did. Could you think about him being there for the labour and just waiting outside at the end?

[Malificence]

FFS! How could anyone respect a man who felt ill at a scan?

What is wrong with those of you who don't want your partners to see the actual birthing process of your child?

My DH broke my waters, massaged my cervix to help it dilate evenly ( it was dilating only on one side) cut DD's cord - he wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

He wants to see his child be born - it's absolutely unfair to not allow him.

For the people who say their partner couldn't cope with the birth - how the hell would they cope if they had to care for you if you were seriously ill or disabled for goodness sake?
If a bloke couldn't cope with seeing you give birth, shouldn't you have chosen a better man to father your child?

[chocolatepuff]

i dont think witnessing a birth puts a man off sex. being parents WILL put you BOTH off sex for a little while!
babies are very unsexy. you are both shattered, your boobs are leaking all over the place, you will be healing and recovering from the birth, adjusting to your wonderful new addition.. sex does go on the back burner for a while. my man went off sex since i had dd 17months ago. its to do with me being a 'mum' who no longer has time to straighten her hair everyday and wear full make up and nice clothes. i'm not angry with him, i pay less attention to how i look and wouldnt have it any other way -i dont have time to be glam. he is now coming round to the new me. if theres love there it will see you through.

[zanz1bar]

2 dc and dh not at either birth.

YANBU. DH has a bad needle phobia and I just couldn't face coping with him as well as giving birth.
Dc1 was emergency section anyway so out cold.
Dc 2 I had my sister for another section.

The best decision I ever made, she had all the drs, nurses and me in fits of giggles reading highlights from that weeks OK magazine she picked up in the waiting room. NO stress, no fear, no limp hand holding just real support when I needed distracting from the icky bits.

Birth is only one small part of your Childs life and your dh life as a parent. I really thing we all put much too much emphasis on birth. Have who you need to get through it and your dh for the hard part for the night feeds in the months to come.

[scouserabroad]

Well it's not like he was going to be the one pushing it out, anyway, was it?

IMO the important thing is that he steps up as a father once the baby is born, and Dh has done that :)

[ScotlandR]

YANBU I didn't really want DP there TBH, but was terrified of the social stigma etc of saying so, but luckily it took him two hours to get to the hospital, by which time I'd finished the process on my own (I always said I was more efficient without him around...)

[Onetoomanycornettos]

Quite frankly, I wish I could have avoided the births myself. Some people are cut out for breaking the waters and cutting cords, Malficence, and some people aren't. I wouldn't want to do it for a friend, as I'm not the calm and reassuring type around gory things.

It's also interesting to wonder why in many cultures, the fathers aren't involved or present in giving birth. It's far from obvious that it needs to be a shared event, or that keenness to participate on the man's part reflects their ability to be a parent later on.

[gingercat12]

YANBU.
I was in two minds about it, too.

In the end we decided that he would come in, and when we get to stage 2 he'll go out. In the end we needed an emergency instrumental delivery, so there was no time for him to go out. But the staff was lovely to him and arranged his (reclining!!!!) armchair in a way so that he would not see anything awkward.
I have never regretted having him there, and in fact I was much better at relaxing when he was there. I just love him being around.

[iloveyankees]

Sorry I too think it's unfair if you don't allow him to see his baby born. After all the baby is both of yours.

My OH was there both times for me, he said it looked a bit weird when the head was crowning lol but there was no way he would have not wanted to be there and I'm glad I had him there :)

[MissBeehiving]

I fainted at my DH's vasectomy . I would have been a shit husband!