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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to delay returning from maternity leave by 8 weeks?

189 replies

phonicspusher · 10/01/2011 22:07

I am doing maternity cover for a very good friend of mine and she is planning to return to work when her baby is 7 months old. I was pregnant at the beginning of the job and would have been 36 weeks when she returned but I miscarried this baby (she knows this but is just about the only one that does). I am now pregnant again and will be 22 weeks when she returns. I now will not be eligible for maternity pay because I need to be working during week 29(mat pay is very good where we work - worth around four months salary - which would be brilliant as I have no work and no prospect of work after this!!) . Would it be unreasonable to ask her to consider delaying her return to work for 8 weeks so I could get this pay? Presumably it would be illegal to incentivise this in some way if the delay would leave her short of cash? And how will our friendship survive if she says no - I'm so incredibly anxious about money and devastated about the previous pregnancy not working out and I sort of expect her to understand this - I keed thinking "Well, I'd do it for her..."..And although obviously the thing is, please God, to have a healthy baby I do just think its like a kick in the teeth to have worked in this place for 10 years and be out by 8 weeks for maternity pay... grrrr/arrggh!!! WWYD?

OP posts:
WilfShelf · 10/01/2011 22:50

Are you sure you're eligible for occupational maternity pay if you're on a short term contract anyway? Sounds v odd...

Ewe · 10/01/2011 22:50

Argh, just typed a long message and bloody MN went down for 30 seconds and lost it.

Short version now, YABU, it's not something you can ask and is unlikely to end well. Don't know of anyone who only took 6 months mat leave when they could afford to take more.

Also, I would speak to your HR department/post in legal as if you've been employed for 10 years continuously they're treating you like an 'employee' regardless of whether they say you're a contractor the behaviours suggest otherwise which would mean they're liable for mat leave anyway, I think.

Original poster
phonicspusher · 10/01/2011 22:51

I work for a public organisation. Occupational maternity package is pretty good - one years maternity leave, pay for 9 months( not full but pretty good), no risk of losing the job. My friend is a good friend, she is using my cot, car seat, buggy, all my maternity clothes. I would not of course suggest a scheme that put her job at risk. If I had had the baby that I miscarried I would have been entitled to the benefits that she is currently enjoying because I would have been within contract at week 29 so my contract would have been extended to provide these benefits. Then although I would not have had a contract to return to, I would have had pay coming in for the 9 months before we started struggling. I will now not be in contract for my qualifying week (29) so will get maternity allowance only. I will not be able to get a new contract whilst pregnant as who would want to provide these benefits to someone who will only work for 3 months before going off.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 10/01/2011 22:54

you still cannot ask her and tbh if HR got wind of this you'd be out on your ear for gross misconduct

classydiva · 10/01/2011 22:54

YOu come across as if you think because you are doing her favours she should do one for you.

But what you fail to realise is that she may well not get her job back if she helps you, she might be in financial difficulty if she helps you.

Im sorry to say this but you didn't have to get pregnant when you did did you?

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 22:57

you are not listening

what you are suggesting is morally wrong quite apart from all the workplace rules you would be breaking (and potentially putting her own job at risk..)

do you get that ?

TheSecondComing · 10/01/2011 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffles · 10/01/2011 23:01

so she's considering going back at 7months when she gets the same pay to 9months.
and you only need her to stay off to 9mnths to get your benefits?

if that's the case, then i think you CAN mention it... but you need to really really not put pressure on, just mention it once and tell her you will understand if she doesn't want to.. your friendship cannot be dependent on her doing this surely, that's far too much pressure.

if it were me and my mat leave cover was a friend and she said to me 'are you sure you need to come back at 7mnths, i would really love to work two more months to get my benefits' then i wouldn't hold that against you - just don't lay it on thick with the emotional blackmail around the miscarriage.

classydiva · 10/01/2011 23:02

If finances were an issue she could have waited to get pregnant. Some people do plan in advance for these things you know.

ilovecrisps · 10/01/2011 23:03

annh can you tell me more about your comments any links or websites I can look at to confirm that?

(might have big financial implications for me-when I was pregnant my employer issued me with a contract terminating my employment employed someone else to do my job and the best bit wrote to me on Christmas Eve asking for my mat leave pay back!!!)

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 23:06

it's a bit insensitive though, cd

what's done is done, and she isn't asking for comments on the pregnancy itself, is she ?

perhaps the 2nd pg was unplanned or perhaps she just really fucking wanted a baby after losing a previous one

I certainly did after my mc's and snotty comments like yours would have just gone straight over my head, tbh

annh · 10/01/2011 23:07

I still don't understand this whole business of being on a contract and yet entitled to an extended maternity package. Are you saying that if this public sector organisation had employed someone for the first time on a contract to do maternity cover for your friend, the cover was more than 29 weeks pregnant when your friend returned, they would then extend the contract for an extra 9 months in order to give that person very generous occupational maternity pay? So getting maternity cover in for your friend would have ended up costing them the period of the cover plus another (almost) 9 months salary? If this situation is really happening, it's no wonder the public sector is in a mess!

Original poster
phonicspusher · 10/01/2011 23:08

I am not stupid, or evil, or insane. I am a mum who is trying to work out how to pay the mortgage. I am a loyal and generous friend myself and I have loyal and generous friends in return. Some of the implications that are flying around here are pretty awful. Clearly I feel conflicted and have doubts about what is the right thing to do and am terrified about how we will manage. I am naturally still grieving for my much wanted but hard to conceive miscarried baby (not nice to be doing a friends maternity cover whilst miscarrying. Imagine what you get asked on a hourly basis). I am pleased, but astonished, to find myself pregnant having conceived in my first period after D and C. I am frankly surprised by how some of your comments have been phrased and I hope you never find yourselves in such a painfully conflicted situation.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 23:09

annh, it isn't happening in the large public sector area that I work in

I really don't understand under what terms OP is employed, and I don't think she does either

wukter · 10/01/2011 23:09

Good god classydiva did you mean that?

OP I'm no expert but that sounds very dodgy about your contracts and maternity benefits. Not meaning to patronise but are you sure there's no way round it? Would it be worth taking some independent advice?

classydiva · 10/01/2011 23:09

I apologise for my ill thought out comments, not intended to hurt you.

allnightlong · 10/01/2011 23:10

I am not stupid, or evil, or insane. I am a mum who is trying to work out how to pay the mortgage.

I bet your friend is too! Thats why people are saying YABU.

lovelyopaque · 10/01/2011 23:10

Even if the friend is getting the same money at 9 months as she was at 7, they may have been relying on savings to get by. I know we did, as many places only give 4-6 weeks on 90% pay. So the extra weeks could be too much for her. I would be inclined to get some independent employment advice. It does not sound right that you work for so long and have so few rights. You could put your friend in a difficult position,a s she will want to help, but her DH may not be keen for example. I hope all works out well for you in the end.

ll31 · 10/01/2011 23:10

I think you're only one who knows if youre bu or not - we don't know your friend you do. If she's the tyep of person who would feel bad about not obliging you then ybvu. If she'd have no problem considering issue and making decision and not being upset/concerned about it then yanbu.

. At end of day irrespective of circs (ur losing baby and sympathies on that, ur loaning your friend stuff , your financial position) yabvu to put her under pressure to resolve your financial issues.

SkyBluePearl · 10/01/2011 23:11

you can look at maternity allowance rather than maternity pay if it's tricky.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 23:11

OP, are you a SALT ?

lovelyopaque · 10/01/2011 23:11

x post with wukter re getting advice

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 23:12

do you work in the NHS ?

I think you need to take advice from your union steward and/or HR dept

none of this is making sense, love

eviscerateyourmemory · 10/01/2011 23:13

You are being incredibly unreasonable to ask her to delay her return to work for this.
She needs to make the right decision for her and her baby, and adding your own financial situation into the picture is unfair.

Original poster
phonicspusher · 10/01/2011 23:13

and yer Annh. Its true. That is exactly the case, and probably why the puclic sector is in such a mess. but those are the rules. And, reasonably or unreasonably and please don't feel the need to comment, I feel a bit sore that having put in 10 years of 50-60 hour weeks I will now be just 8 weeks short of the benefits. But I am, apologies all round, just your standard human.Have you twigged that I'm a bit offended yet Anyfucker/Classydiva etal?

OP posts: