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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women who smoke when pregnant are selfish, irresponsible fuckwits

455 replies

MsKLo · 08/01/2011 00:13

...and so are parents who smoke around their babies/children. I see soooooo many parents pushing prams and smoking or driving and smoking with babies in their car seats etc.

And the number of times I have seen pregnant women having a fag...

Selfish, irresponsible fuckwits

And for the record, I am an ex smoker. I LOVED smoking but stopped before I starte trying for a baby as it was, and is not, fair to inflict my selfish habit on my babies.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 08/01/2011 10:28

OP, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a MNer who genuinely thought smoking in pregnancy/around babies was a good, recommended thing to do. You seem to be struggling with understanding what people are saying here. Supporting a person who has an addiction is not the same as supporting the addiction.

Say I had an alcoholic father who had ended up that way because of years of child abuse. It's not his fault, he's human, he's flawed. If he's trying to help himself but sometimes gets it wrong or falls from grace, if I explain to people why that happened or how hard he is trying and how small-minded judgement doesn't help, I'm not saying alcoholism is just jolly lovely and suggesting we all take it up.

It's a very important and I thought obvious distinction but you seem to be wilfully misunderstanding the point.

And we're not limited in our opinions. Just because we don't like you tone, your language and you inability to engage with other humans, doesn't mean this leaves us unable to understand that smoking in pregnancy isn't a good thing.

I don't know why I'm wasting keyboard time engaging. You like to wind people up. I'm not entirely sure what you get out of it tbh.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 08/01/2011 10:28

Why should anyone want to help pg women who smoke? We know it's bad, we know it's publically damned and yet they still do it.

tethersend · 08/01/2011 10:30

MsKLo seems to need to rant a bit every so often about a blindingly obvious topic. She is the queen of the rhetorical AIBU.

It's like a habit she has. A filthy, filthy habit.

I just wished she had the moral fibre to give up, really.

cocoachannel · 08/01/2011 10:31

To help her child's health MGB.

ShowOfHands · 08/01/2011 10:35

MGB because thankfully most people understand that human beings are fallible, that they make mistakes, that they struggle, that the world isn't quite as simple as knowing something and that making it possible to always do the right thing.

And because helping somebody might make a difference. Judging them does nothing but turn you into a bitter and passive person.

wukter · 08/01/2011 10:41

hear hear SOH.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 08/01/2011 10:42

Of course you can judge, someone who smokes wants to smoke more than they want to give up.

victoriascrumptious · 08/01/2011 10:42

I haven't smoked while pg gimmie a medal Smile

However I think the hysteria around smoking is totally out of proportion to the reality. Smoking while pushing a pram while looks chavtastic isnt going to kill anyone. Nor is smokers breathing on babies after just having a fag-not is smokings looking at babies while contemplating a fag.

What does kill people is hypertension caused by too much moralising and outrage.

have a fag OP-you sound like you need one

victoriascrumptious · 08/01/2011 10:43

"smokers looking at babies"

wukter · 08/01/2011 10:43

Do you really and honestly think it's that simple Margaret for the person who is doing it? Why do you think they want to so badly?

MargaretGraceBondfield · 08/01/2011 10:43

The ONLY people I know that have given up smoking have done so because they really want to.

wukter · 08/01/2011 10:44

I am looking at my toddler while comtemplating a fag RIGHT NOW.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 08/01/2011 10:44

Nothing's that simple, but desire is a great motivator. You either want to give up or you don't.

victoriascrumptious · 08/01/2011 10:45

OMG Wukter. I'm going to call SS right now!

bronze · 08/01/2011 10:45

Don't do it Wukter. you're doing great. think of th emoney you'll save

ShowOfHands · 08/01/2011 10:45

Well MGB, you seem to understand the intricacies and idiosyncracies of the human condition brilliantly. Of course people only make mistakes because they want to. You should become a life coach.

"Just stop smoking"
"My Mum's dying of cancer, I'm having panic attacks and thinking of self harm. I really need to stop smoking but it's the only thing that seems to calm me down. I just don't know what to do"
"Just stop"
"Oh God you're right, thanks"

pink4ever · 08/01/2011 10:46

Yet again mn shows its true coloursHmm. op-I 100% agree with you. I think mothers who smoke when pregnant are supremely selfish. Would we all be so quick to say oh but its an addiction if there were mothers standing outside the hospital injecting heroin? doubt it. I have lost loads of babies though have never smoked/drank in pregnancy(grew up in family of smokers and hated it). When I had my first stillbirth my sister was pregnant too,smoked like a chimneyAngry. If she hadnt have been my sister then would have told her to feck the feck off.
Who am I to judge you? I am a good mother who put the health of her unborn babies before a vile habit.

ShowOfHands · 08/01/2011 10:47

I really, really want to do lots of things. But what makes it easier, what makes the real difference between success and failure is the support, understanding and love of the people around me.

mincenmash · 08/01/2011 10:47

Line them up and shoot them all Grin

wukter · 08/01/2011 10:48

I am in the middle of it right now Margaret. I really want to the best for my unborn baby. I love him/her already, but I also really want a cig. It's very hard. My brain is telling me one won't hurt. Odds are, one probably won't. Do I give in?

Having a cig might make me stupid and weak. But plenty of stupid and weak people love their children.

Original poster
MsKLo · 08/01/2011 10:49

Love the way you say I can't engage with other humans because I have a strong opinion on this SOH

All because I have a strong opinion!

Amazing!

We all have strong opinions on something, I am just no afraid to air mine

Oh and I do say this in RL too

OP posts:
PeachesandStrawberry · 08/01/2011 10:50

OP

I agree with you.

I used to smoke and I find it very difficult to give anything up that is bad for me. I have got no willpower whatsoever.

I gave up smoking 6 years before I fell pregnant.

If I can give up smoking then anybody can.

No excuse.

victoriascrumptious · 08/01/2011 10:51

I'm sure there are mothers who stand outside of hospital injecting heroin. These people were normal people before they got hooked pink

wukter · 08/01/2011 10:52

Grow up pink4ever, seriously. Do you really believe what you've just said? How do you cope with life if you've no concept of shades of grey, failure, regret, any of that. Life is full of that shit.

ShowOfHands · 08/01/2011 10:52

wukter, do you have access to cigarettes? If you do, I'd change that. No cigarettes in the house, no cash with which to buy them.

Does it help at all to think of yourself as a non smoker? Instead of somebody who is trying to give up. I know it sounds silly but a friend said it helped. Particularly socially as when she said 'ooh I'm trying to quit', the chink was there and the offer remained. A clear 'no I don't smoke' and she found it made a difference.

Is your midwife helping?