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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can we agree on one thing?

229 replies

Serendippy · 07/01/2011 15:28

The simple act of staying at home to look after your children or going out to work does not mean you have the harder life. Some people enjoy their jobs, some don't. Some people enjoy being at home with their children, some don't. So 'going out to work' is not necessarily harder than staying at home and vice versa.

I hate hearing the phrase, 'Being a SAHM is the hardest job' because that is clearly not universally true. If you left a job which you hated with long hours and colleagues you didn't get on with, it can be a relief to be at home. OTOH, if you left a stimulating job with lovely colleagues and friends and that you enjoyed, it could be boring to be at home with children.

Yes, if you go out to work, lots of 'SAHM jobs' still need to be done, but the job of looking after the children during the day is not one of them, you pay someone else to do it. So although it is not a job as in paid employment, it is something that needs to be done by somebody.

I really think that how hard your 'job' is depends on the circumstances.

AIBU to think that we can agree that sweeping statements such as 'I am a SAHM/WOHM so therefore I automatically have the harder life' are not accurate or helpful?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 07/01/2011 21:25

Aaaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh.

swanandduck · 07/01/2011 21:27

I think it's the usual 'grass is always greener...'

Stay at home mum, who hasn't had time to change out of rusk stained track suit becuase baby is teething and toddler has diarrhoea and dog keeps walking mud all over floor and man to mend leaking washing machine has not turned up yet thinks 'oh it must be so nice to go to work in a smart outfit and high heels and use my brain and meet friends for lunch;

WOHM who is writing boring letters and trying to photocopy 100 page report on temperamental photocopier and has been told off by boss for being late again and has to face a 1hr 20 min commute home on 2 packed tubes and dirty draughty train thinks 'oh, it must be so nice to be SAHM and have no one bossing me around and be able to go to park and story time at library and snuggle up on couch together when it's raining and watch Angelina Ballerina and have plenty of time to make nice dinner with radio on in background'.

Basically, being an adult is hard, whatever you do. Unless you win the lottery and then you will get bored with all the comfort and start worrying about things you don't have time to even think about now because you're cleaning floor after dog and photocopying report.....

wukter · 07/01/2011 21:27

Nope cupcakebakereer. Not 'end of'. That's the whole bloody point, FGS.

pagwatch · 07/01/2011 21:27
Original poster
Serendippy · 07/01/2011 21:29

But Cupcakebakerer what about the people who choose to go back to work and have family looking after children so they have the added oncome but no expense. They love their job and find being at home does not work for them. They can go back to a job in the knowledge that there are others who have maybe 3 children at home and cannot afford daycare for them, no matter how much they want to return to work? For these people, returning to work is a luxury.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 07/01/2011 21:29

No, Serendippy, definitely not - I know a woman with 4 kids under 5 with no car and not a pot to piss in that is really struggling to get through each day. I know working mums who really do have it all with careers they love, outsourcing the drudge and loving the time they spend with their kids, which is still plenty really, due to not overdosing on it! I know working mums who hate every second of it and life is just one big juggle. And I know other SAHM's who are loving doing that for the time being, have their moments where they hide in the kitchen scoffing jaffa cakes and banging their head against the wall, but are basically content.

It really is different for each person in each situation. It depends a bit on your partner, your kids, and your finances as much as where you spend your actual day.

StealthPolarBear · 07/01/2011 21:30

I agree OP. I've recently had two lots of maternity leave and recently changed jobs. One of the jobs was much easier than being home for some of the mat leave, the other is much harder. Even the easier one had times where it was harder, but the hardest day in the 'hard' job doesn't come close to the (thankfully few) when one or both children have been vomitey / clingey / tantrummy / not sleeping etc

wukter · 07/01/2011 21:30

It depends on the actual day itself, too. Love my life today, hate it tomorrow.

Original poster
Serendippy · 07/01/2011 21:31

income not oncome, typing fast in my rage! (Not a rage induced by me thinking that one group has it harder, let me make that clear, just that the assumption that every single working mother has it harder than every single SAHM.)

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 07/01/2011 21:32

cupcakebaker, surely some SAHMs don't have a choice in that they literally can't afford the childcare for their children for them to return to work?* So they are as trapped by their situation as the women like me who have to work as their salary is needed to pay the mortgage and bills.

(*disclaimer - this is a lazy way of saying family circumstances require one parent to SAH - and it's usually the woman...)

TattyDevine · 07/01/2011 21:33

Lets face it also, the more disposable income you have, the more you can throw some money at the problem if something is not making you happy. Hate work? Give it up. Like it but hate the druge afterwards? Get a cleaner who irons. SAHM who doesn't want to work but needs some me time? Get some childcare help, or a nanny a couple of days a week. Like the child bit but hate the cleaning bit? Get a cleaner. Etc.

Perhaps the people who have the hardest are those who lack options to change things or balance things due to either finances or other extenuating circumstances. Not actually whether they are at work or at home.

cupcakebakerer · 07/01/2011 21:40

Sorry wukter and seren. What I should have said is that having 'the choice' is the luxury and those women who do have it really shouldn't complain about their situation. If you don't like something change it. Surely that deserves an 'end of' then?

wukter · 07/01/2011 21:43

Agree with you there, that having the choice is a luxury.

cupcakebakerer · 07/01/2011 21:44

Yes agreed Stealth

TandB · 07/01/2011 21:48

taffeta cat - I had to read your post several times before I realised that you were not, in fact, peering through my window watching me at 10am this morning.

This is a relief, as I think at that point I was tearing my hair out and yelling "No! NO! NOOOOOOO!" while DS flicked switches on and off.

blackeyedsusan · 07/01/2011 21:56

cupcake, I think you are wrong, it is not a luxury for all. some give up material things and make do more. some can't afford to pay for childcare if they go out to work and yes for some it is a luxury.

cupcakebakerer · 07/01/2011 22:08

Blackeyed - I've already conceded that it's not always a luxury...my point is having the choice to do either is the luxury and those who do have no right at all to moan on - as is sometimes the case on here.

scottishmummy · 07/01/2011 22:09

ime,only on mn does this cause ire.never discussed this in depth in rl with shm or working pals

taffetacat · 07/01/2011 22:09

Grin @ kungfu

I like the bit where you wop the white tiger bloke with your belly

wukter · 07/01/2011 22:15

People would never be that hurtful to their RL pals though would they SM. Here is where people can anonymously cast aspersions at those with the easy lives & wrong choices. Not at your friends kitchen table with a cuppa.

scottishmummy · 07/01/2011 22:22

exactly.words on a screen.the frisson is the anonymity

i met plenty precious moments mamas in real life when i was on mat leave, and they really did actually say "precious moments"

cupcakebakerer · 07/01/2011 22:27

Ha ha! What's 'precious moments mamas'?!

taffetacat · 07/01/2011 22:28

heheh scottishmummy - I would never talk about my precious moments in RL. Tis waaay too wnaky.

Original poster
Serendippy · 07/01/2011 22:30

Easier for moments to be precious when you know they're not going to last forever. If you honestly thought you would spend every day with the screaming, insomniac sicky monster who was so 'precious' when they were a week old, you would break down! I for one am so very glad that they grow up...

cupcakebakerer sometimes it is the WOHM who has the choice of what to do and not the SAHM with 3 under 5 she can't afford childcare for. Of course, most of us decided to have children in the first place so the choice is there in more ways than one.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 07/01/2011 22:30

So I can't be bothered to read the whole thread (one of my own pet hates) - have we all agreed? :o