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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can we agree on one thing?

229 replies

Serendippy · 07/01/2011 15:28

The simple act of staying at home to look after your children or going out to work does not mean you have the harder life. Some people enjoy their jobs, some don't. Some people enjoy being at home with their children, some don't. So 'going out to work' is not necessarily harder than staying at home and vice versa.

I hate hearing the phrase, 'Being a SAHM is the hardest job' because that is clearly not universally true. If you left a job which you hated with long hours and colleagues you didn't get on with, it can be a relief to be at home. OTOH, if you left a stimulating job with lovely colleagues and friends and that you enjoyed, it could be boring to be at home with children.

Yes, if you go out to work, lots of 'SAHM jobs' still need to be done, but the job of looking after the children during the day is not one of them, you pay someone else to do it. So although it is not a job as in paid employment, it is something that needs to be done by somebody.

I really think that how hard your 'job' is depends on the circumstances.

AIBU to think that we can agree that sweeping statements such as 'I am a SAHM/WOHM so therefore I automatically have the harder life' are not accurate or helpful?

OP posts:
Original poster
Serendippy · 07/01/2011 20:42

I really am surprised that some people still say 'All WOHMs have it harder'! I still cannot see how this doesn't depend on your job, you wage, your job satisfaction, your ambition, the number and ages of your children, your children's personalities and 'quirks', the needs of your children, the likeability of the people you work with, the availability of activities to do during the day, your location and thousands of other considerations. Yet people are still willing to go with the sweeping statement, 'I have it the hardest therefore so does every single SAHM/WOHM (delete as appropriate) in the whole country!

IANBU!

And I still don't think all of any group has it harder or easier.

OP posts:
TandB · 07/01/2011 20:43

I read the OP. Then I read the last page. I assume that somewhere in the middle someone chucked a great big "I am better than you are" grenade. I can't be bothered to go and look though.

YANBU, OP. It was a brave effort.

I went back full time just before 6 months. I worked full time until 16 months. I am now part-time - 2 days in court and 1 day from home. When I first went back I found it very hard going, even though I love my job. I am now finding it equally hard going switching to being a part-SAHM. Today I put myself in the naughty corner just to get some peace. It was that or sell DS on ebay with a 'buy it now' option.

There are certain comments which people throw at the other "side" time and time again, and they always do it in full knowledge that it will hurt or offend. SAHMs are lazy. WOHMs are not doing the best for their children. Both insults are as rubbish as each other.

I think people forget that a single choice does not define you as a parent. Is a WOHM who practices attachment style parenting when she is with her child any more or less natural than a SAHM who practices strict routine and cry-it-out from an early age? Is a WOHM who breastfeeds better or worse than a SAHM who formula feeds? Neither is a badge of honour or a mark of disgrace. They are just one aspect of anyone's parenting.
Disclaimer: the above examples are simply common debate points used to demonstrate parenting superiority and in no way should be read as giving any indication of the poster's views. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.

Original poster
Serendippy · 07/01/2011 20:44
OP posts:
TandB · 07/01/2011 20:45

[notes direction thread has taken while typing previous post and invites OP to join in beating heads against the wall]

TandB · 07/01/2011 20:46

Own heads that is, not other peoples' heads. Although....

MsKLo · 07/01/2011 20:47
scottishmummy · 07/01/2011 20:48

you go girlfriend!aint no one diss you

Original poster
Serendippy · 07/01/2011 20:48

KungFuPanda am already wailing 'I give up!' while hitting my head off the desk. Will bang your head too, graciously offered.

OP posts:
wukter · 07/01/2011 20:49

Jesus Christ almighty.
will ye ever GROW UP!

TandB · 07/01/2011 20:50

Mind the nose. DS hit it with an extension lead today.

geezmyfeetarecold · 07/01/2011 20:52

I am lazy on my sahm "days off". My child goes to school and I dont do terribly much when he is there :)

MsKLo · 07/01/2011 20:53

I think there is a full moon tonight or some night soon...

immortalbeloved · 07/01/2011 20:53

Well I think I win because I definitely have it the easiest Grin

I don't now work, I stay at home all day and do no childcare or housework or cooking (DH is at home and does it all) I get to lay in every day and have all my meal and drinks brought to me. I do only the 'fun' stuff with the children, I am as we speak in bed with my laptop and a hot chocolate that my DH has just brought into me (with a kiss too) after he has done bed and bath time with the children

Of course I am disabled and in constant severe pain and unable to move much, but still .....Wink Grin

But in answer to the OP YANBU, I am always baffled by how people state as fact that one or the other is harder when as you say they are just so many variables (and yes I as well have done both)

scottishmummy · 07/01/2011 20:53

what you all het up about/people disagree on threads all time.its a discursive forum,expect bit argy bargy

there isnt sides or enemies. but we dont all see same way

TattyDevine · 07/01/2011 20:57

I believe I have it much easier as a SAHM than I would if I was working. I had 2 years where I didn't have to be in a certain place at a certain time. My son started preschool then soon after he turned 2, when I also had a daughter. But I adjusted to 2 with no hassles, both were good sleepers, and we got through the "terrible 2's" barely experiencing anything I would call an actual tantrum.

I do the majority of everything around the house during the week as my husband does work long hours and commutes in a professional job. But if it gets too much I just get help in. I dont actually have a regular cleaner but I have been struggling with a persistant virus so feeling pretty damn unlike doing much so got the agency lot in today. But he really pulls his weight on the weekend, with both childcare and various thankless tasks like bleaching the nappy bin, doing the cat litter, recycling, bins etc.

If I worked, he wouldn't be around any more yet the children would still have to be sorted, and it would probably be me who did it, as its not practicable for him to and I wouldn't want him to feel he had to give up his job and do something more local or less stimulating. To be fair I would probably have a nanny rather than use a nursery so maybe it wouldn't be that bad - at least with a nanny if your child is asleep at 7:45, they can stay in bed, whereas if you have to drop them off at nursery at 8am, they need to be up, dressed, etc (I assume) and someone has to facilitate that.

But I dont want to work at the moment. I burnt myself out in the City and I really can't get my head around it. So I wont. If I change my mind, I will. But I dont see myself going back to work any time soon. I'm looking forward to the time when both children are in school or preschool and school and, whilst there is still plenty of parenting to be done, there will also be about 6 hours every day where you can get things done and have some leisure time.

I'm not worried about a career. And not all SAHM's rely on their husband for money either - this assumption, whilst the most common scenario to be fair, does irritate me somewhat. A woman can have independent wealth in her own right. I worked my arse off in my twenties and invested in property, which I rent out.

I do think I have it easy and I'm very happy to be in this situation. A friend has recently returned to work 3 days a week after having her 2nd and she is in bits. Its just one big juggling act for her and her husband and its driving her crazy. I wouldn't swap with her for the world. But its nice to have the choice.

taffetacat · 07/01/2011 20:59

as an aside, sort of, DD and I watched you today, kungfupannda at about 10am. I cuddled her and we laughed and I thought how precious it was, my heart was full. She starts school on Monday.

Original poster
Serendippy · 07/01/2011 21:01

Tatty but to reiterate my question, do you think all SAHMs have it easier because of your personal experience?

OP posts:
spangle1 · 07/01/2011 21:11

People who are secure about the decisions they have made, don't feel the need to belittle other people's choices.

spangle1 · 07/01/2011 21:11

People who are secure about the decisions they have made, don't feel the need to belittle other people's choices.

Original poster
Serendippy · 07/01/2011 21:15

People who are secure about the meaning of their post, don't feel the need to post it twice Grin

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 07/01/2011 21:15

There really is a spectacular amount of missing the point on this thread, Serendippy.

Original poster
Serendippy · 07/01/2011 21:18

bibbity that is what I would like to think, however I am sure some people disagree with me and think that all of one group or the other has it harder, regardless of any contributing factors. Which baffles me. I honestly thought I was on to a winner with this one and was expecting a nearly unanimous YANBU. What happened?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 07/01/2011 21:19

That is true.
The only people in rl who have ever sniffed at my choice to work or to be at home were fucking miserable whingers who complained from the moment they opened their eyes in the morning.

They all three used the phrase 'it's alright for you..' quite a lot.

They also seemed to see anyone elses happiness as being somehow at their expense iyswim.
And one also had the worst birth, worst luck and worst dh ever....

cupcakebakerer · 07/01/2011 21:24

Being a SAHM is a luxury - end of. Yes I'm sure it can be hard for some women but you must remember OP some women would LOVE not to have to go out to earn to keep a roof over their children's heads. I am in the 'love my job' camp but am still lucky enough to have the option. The gripe is that most SAHM clearly have 'the choice' but then - admittedly a minority - come on here to moan about their hard role in front of those women who don't have 'the choice'. That's my take anyway.

pagwatch · 07/01/2011 21:24

Serendippy

I think you are spot on. And lots of us agree with you.

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