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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can we agree on one thing?

229 replies

Serendippy · 07/01/2011 15:28

The simple act of staying at home to look after your children or going out to work does not mean you have the harder life. Some people enjoy their jobs, some don't. Some people enjoy being at home with their children, some don't. So 'going out to work' is not necessarily harder than staying at home and vice versa.

I hate hearing the phrase, 'Being a SAHM is the hardest job' because that is clearly not universally true. If you left a job which you hated with long hours and colleagues you didn't get on with, it can be a relief to be at home. OTOH, if you left a stimulating job with lovely colleagues and friends and that you enjoyed, it could be boring to be at home with children.

Yes, if you go out to work, lots of 'SAHM jobs' still need to be done, but the job of looking after the children during the day is not one of them, you pay someone else to do it. So although it is not a job as in paid employment, it is something that needs to be done by somebody.

I really think that how hard your 'job' is depends on the circumstances.

AIBU to think that we can agree that sweeping statements such as 'I am a SAHM/WOHM so therefore I automatically have the harder life' are not accurate or helpful?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 07/01/2011 18:29

Grin yes I think vet or actress is compulsory at 8.

bronze · 07/01/2011 18:38

"have a cleaner house, clean sheets, food in the fridge? Better home cooked meals? I am really really not wanting to sound inflammatory but my DH and myself do all of the above we just dont have the luxury of doing it during the working day. "

I (me) do all that.In his turn my dh earns my share of the income.
He has more pressure to be the sole earner in turn more me doing his share of the houswork and evening childcare.

How can you one minute say you do all the jobs that (most)sahm do then say you share them with your dh. Its just another example of how everyone is different so we cannot generalise.

I give up. I'm going to go and cook dinner

wukter · 07/01/2011 18:41

Totally agree with you Serendippy.

I really don't understand how adults haven't grasped the concept that there is no station in life 100% perfect. Swings and roundabouts. Pros and cons. Circumstances and aptitudes. And that if people are lucky enough to have a choice they choose what suits them not the whispering prunemouths. And if they don't have a choice they just get on with it.

MsKLo · 07/01/2011 18:48

Fabbychic

What a sweeping statement to make that you had it harder going back to work

Going back to work when baby was only five weeks... I can't see how that was good for baby or for you...

plus3 · 07/01/2011 18:50

OP - I agree with you. Individual circumstances are just that - what works for one will irritate the hell out of another. Live and let and all that...

altinkum · 07/01/2011 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsKLo · 07/01/2011 18:57

What on earth is wrong with staying hOme and raising your own children (rather than someone else raise them) - why do so many women view this negatively? It is natural and normal to raise your children and children benefit frOm having a mother or father at home raising them if possible

I am a freelance designer so do most of my work in the evenings when kids are asleep and eldest does a few hours at nursery but for most of the day it is me who is there, especially for my youngest who is always in my care as she is a baby still

BuzzLightBeer · 07/01/2011 18:58

Àll of you arguing about who has it hardest are on the wrong thread. Hmm Its only a competition if you make it one.

I've been a WOHM, a SAHM, a WAHM, I've taken my first baby to work, and I'm currently a SAHM/student. And you know what? Who gives a flying fuck which is hardest for me personally, my life does not affect yours in anyway?

singingcat · 07/01/2011 19:00

Why is everyone trying to be the one who has it hardest? Surely you want to be the one who has it easiest then you can go 'Ha, fools! My way is best'

bronze · 07/01/2011 19:00

"demonstrably show dc by working women can contribute and be more than a housewife or dependent upon another adult"

My children learn other ways too. They know that before I had them I used to work. They know that I work hard looking after them and that I plan to go back to work when they are older. They know their Granmothers both were sahm, mil is now in a very high powered job and my mum got another degree and is now off having adventures teaching english as a foreign language abroad. By being a SAHM for a few years it doesn't mean that they don't know or can't learn there is more to life.

I see nothing wrong with being dependent on another adult. I am dependent on dh and he on me. We are a partnership

bronze · 07/01/2011 19:02

Singcat Grin

Buzz I don't want to win, I just don't like being dissed either. Being equal is fine by me

altinkum · 07/01/2011 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

altinkum · 07/01/2011 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RueLaChesty · 07/01/2011 19:12

i have it all in a week and can honestly say that at this moment if i had to choose one being a sahm would be the hardest. The reason is purely the age of my kids 2.4yo and 9mo.

My DP works shifts, dd's go to nursery 2 days a week and i work 9-5 3 days a week. My most tiresome day is if DP is working, he leaves at 6am and is home at 8.30pm. So i have the dds all day and they are just on the go all the time. No housework gets done, meals are pre-prepared ready to reheat and by time kids are sleeping i'm exhausted. [hopeful]

My easiest days are when dps day off falls on a day i'm at work and kids in nursery. I get up, get showered ALONE, dry my hair, dp gets kids ready and i drop them off and go to work, pick them up, head home and the house is gleaming (well to dp's standards but its not been to my standards for oh 9 months or so) and MY dinner is on the table! Grin

anyway, i think the hardest/easiest really depends on the individuals situation. I know in 6months to a year i'll probably find it easier being at home as kids will entertain themselves for longer and i won't be so constantly wound up!

So in conclusion, i agree with op! Grin

KERALA1 · 07/01/2011 19:19

Also it depends on the kids. I have a friend with lovely but ahem challenging kids. She has gone back to work full time. I looked after those children for an entire weekend and now fully understand her decision Grin.

RueLaChesty · 07/01/2011 19:20

oh and i should say i hate my job and don't really like many of my colleagues just now but its still easier than staying at home!!

And the [hopeful] was supposed to be on the fourth paragraph, oops!

MsKLo · 07/01/2011 19:59

Fully agree bronze

The quote you quoted was such a sweepIng, ignorant statement!

blackeyedsusan · 07/01/2011 20:17

I think a lot depends on personality too. some people thrive on meeting others and adult conversation, some thrive on looking after small children. My pt working friend thinks stay at home days are harder work than going out to her responsible job which she loves. I had a brief attempt at the same sort of employment and hated it. personality!

sahm may have some more jobs to do around the house relating to being in the house all day, as being in creates mess/ pots etc. (comment from pt working mum) (pt work not pt mum just to be clear)

paid employment mums may (NOTE MAY) be able to afford more labour saving devices (or is it have to to survive?) may be able to live in better areas etc, we could afford better if I worked, but I wouldn't have time to enjoy it as much. at least some of the time it is down to choices and weighing up the benefits of each way though for some there isn't the choice.

mustdash · 07/01/2011 20:25

Well done for trying OP. Smile

scottishmummy · 07/01/2011 20:25

opining what "normal and natural" is sweeping and grandiose.as thread attests we all do it differently

bibbitybobbityhat · 07/01/2011 20:25

Reasons why people sahm:

  1. they think it would be better for their children
  2. they don't earn enough money to pay for childcare
  3. they hated their job before they had their children and couldn't wait to leave it
  4. their dp earns a fortune and they are very comfortable as they are
  5. they are re-training to go into entirely different careers in the future

Reasons why people wohm:

  1. they get a lot of job satisfaction and enjoy the buzz of work
  2. they earn the bulk of the family money
  3. they cannot afford not to work
  4. they are career-oriented
  5. they cannot stand being at home all day, much as they love their dc

All of these things can be said to describe the personal circumstances of people on Mumsnet.

Op, you are so right and YET people are still ignorant enough to come on this thread ere and disagree with you, or have a little dig at the person in the enemy camp. Fucking fuck!!!

scottishmummy · 07/01/2011 20:27

there is no enemy camp.no enemies.just different choices

snowflake69 · 07/01/2011 20:31

I work with kids and my own child comes with me. Realistically I wouldnt say I find either staying at home or being at work isnt that hard really. I mean I have stressful moments now and again but it isnt like I live in a third world country walking a million miles to get water, so really I dont get the competition really.

MsKLo · 07/01/2011 20:32

Oh and your statements were not sweepIng scottishmummy? Yeah right

And it is natural to look after your own children but that doesn't mean I am saying it wrong to work, I am not saying that. Babies need their mums and babies and young toddlers are more content if mum or dad is at home - that's my sweepIng statement

scottishmummy · 07/01/2011 20:37

sweeping?lol yours could dust a sitting room