Can we agree on one thing?

[Serendippy]

The simple act of staying at home to look after your children or going out to work does not mean you have the harder life. Some people enjoy their jobs, some don't. Some people enjoy being at home with their children, some don't. So 'going out to work' is not necessarily harder than staying at home and vice versa.

I hate hearing the phrase, 'Being a SAHM is the hardest job' because that is clearly not universally true. If you left a job which you hated with long hours and colleagues you didn't get on with, it can be a relief to be at home. OTOH, if you left a stimulating job with lovely colleagues and friends and that you enjoyed, it could be boring to be at home with children.

Yes, if you go out to work, lots of 'SAHM jobs' still need to be done, but the job of looking after the children during the day is not one of them, you pay someone else to do it. So although it is not a job as in paid employment, it is something that needs to be done by somebody.

I really think that how hard your 'job' is depends on the circumstances.

AIBU to think that we can agree that sweeping statements such as 'I am a SAHM/WOHM so therefore I automatically have the harder life' are not accurate or helpful?

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

Also depends on the circumstances:

Single mum doing 12 hours day for little money, will have to come home and do everything.
Single mum doing 12 hours a day for a 6 figure sum may have the freedom to employ help to make life easier.

How many kids you have, husband with stressful job, SAHD, how much money you have etc etc.

I earn quite a bit and I would give it all up to stay home TBH, I would just find a different way to challenge my brain.

I think it depends on the individual too - I didn't need any friends or company when I had a year off following redundancy and DS was in school, I entertained myself and tackled my cleaning/chores as a 9-3 job. I was relaxed and happy and didn't need to spend loads of money on get away holidays or weekends - I was content, pure and simple. I was never bored and I never craved the attention of others - I think boredom and lonliness makes it hard for some SAHM.

Now I am back in the stressful world of Global commerce () I am constantly over compensating my family with trips out, holidays, clothes, treats etc to make up for the fact that I have travelled 30 days out of the last 80 from home and saw my dc on skype only for the equivalent of a month.

My individual situation and I've never shared it before actually, my friends and husband would keel over if they heard me say this out loud!

[Serendippy]

I used to think travelling for would would be fantastic, lovely hotels, bar in the evening, no housework to do, until a friend who does travel for work put me straight. Being away from loved ones, no comfort of your owrn home, worrying about what will have to be done when you get back, loneliness etc. You sound very high-powered, Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 I am not even really sure what Global commerce is!

I think personally I cannot imagine anything nicer than being at home while my children are at school, don't think I will get away with it though! I would get lonely though, I would also want others in the same situation so I could be a lady who lunches...

[MsSparkle]

Fabby, you don't still have to everything after a 12 hour day. Housework you do yes, but when you get home your kids would be going to bed soon. So your not working and then coming home to do everything a sahm does because I stay at home mum looks after her children all day where as you have paid someone else to do that job.

I am not saying I think there is anything wrong with working, I work, but I think it is a poor argument to say "i work and then come home and do everything a sahm does" because you don't . The job of looking after your children all day has been done for you, by somebody else. So you come home and do housework, well some sahms leave housework until after the kids have gone to bed so they can consentate on the kids all day. So after the kids are in bed, your in the same boat, both knackered with housework to do.

[Simbacatlives]

It really annoys me that on here everyone assumes or expects/demands that working mothers have cleaners, ironers etc etc

I and most of my friends and colleagues have never had any help.

I don't mind if someone works or is a sahm. What annoys me is that yes most working mums do also do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning (shared with my dh) as well.

[Simbacatlives]

What also annoys me is people on here whom say that if they were not a sahm it would cost £100k a year (ok that's an exaggeration) as their dh would need to pay for cleaners, gardeners, tax drivers,ironing etc etc

No- to not be a sahm it would cost the cost of the childcare- that's the monetary vale that being a sahm saves. Most working couples don't incur other costs such as gardeners, cleaners etc they just do it themselves.

[geezmyfeetarecold]

Its job dependant.
My sahm days are a doddle compared to my work days.

[pagwatch]

Simbacatlives

I don't assume any such thing as we didn't have cleaners etc when I was at work.

But being a sahm is not a doodle in the way that days off when I was working were.
It is a different existence and the pressures and stresses are not simply about the construction of your day.

[Simbacatlives]

Pagwatch. I don't think it is a doddle. It is a life choice for many reasons and that's fine with me.

I just get annoyed that whenever there is a sahm thread or a sahm gets criticised by husband everyone starts saying but by not working the sahm is saving him (usually seen as saving dh money!!!) xxxx as they would need childcare (true) cleaners, gardeners, chauffeur etc

Also seen a few threads that value to role of the sahm as tens of thousands etc based on the roles they do. I would say that most couples do these additional things between them and what being a sahm saves financially is just the cost of childcare.

[bronze]

Not always a lifechoice Simba. We can't afford for me to go back to work at the moment. I couldn't anyway as I can't be relied upon due to our situation but thats another matter. I'm looking at setting up from home instead now I only have one at home.

[Lynli]

I think people like to show how hard it is to be a SAHM not in comparison to a WOHM but in comparison to the well worn phrase "oh you don't work then".

[bronze]

Exactly Lynli
I am exhausted. I am run down. I am lonely. and I feel pretty much worthless too now.

I'm not saying I work harder than someone who goes out to work. I'm not saying its easier. I am saying everyones situation is different. I am saying I work.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Quite agree with NorthernMoon.

It is this rush to compete in the who has it harder stakes that I find so tiresome about this godforsaken debate on Mumsnet.

Competitive tiredness/competitive boredom/ competitive earning potential/competitive pension pot/competitive over who is the most interesting type of person to meet at a party (I have even seen this point argued for working recently on here because, you know, having a job automatically makes you more interesting wtf?

It is beyond yawnsome now.

[whensteaready]

I think the actual job of mothering is the hardest in the world, whether you work or not. You have no training for it and if you are anything like me you worry constantly that you are doing it wrong.

I think its about time we stopped judging other peoples lifestyle choices.

[WimpleOfTheBallet]

I'm a WAHM and it's harder than ANYTHING and I have done both..stayed at home and gone out to work.

So there. I win.

I do believe though that being a full time SAHM is easier and far more pleasant than going out to work...it just is. NO matter how much you love your job...if you have kids at home it's very hard to go out and leave them.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Yikes, somehow I don't think your point is quite getting through, op, judging by that last post from Wimple.

But, hey, whatcanyoudoaboutit?

[pagwatch]

Simbacatlives
I understand what you are are saying.

I have never held with the 'saving dh x amount' either as his earnings are our earnings - just as when I was earning what I brought home was also ours. As you say.

But what I do now is more than I was able to do when I was at work and whilst we covered most of it between us back then, what I do now makes life easier and has a greater value to all of us than the cost of a nanny. Or a cleaner. But then we have a cleaner now too so I cost a fucking fortune whatever way you look at it.


But

[Simbacatlives]

I agree- I am a WFHM - although mine are now teenagers.

Everyone sees you as available as you are often at home- can you just.....

Plus elderly relatives call for a chat middday because you were stupid enough to answer the home phone one day. An the postie sees you as a parcel drop off point for the neighbourhood.

[Serendippy]

But Wimpole I have friends who have chosen to go back to work, mostly part time when it is a choice, but to have a break from the kids as they put it. So surely for them, staying at home would be harder?

I also think that for lots of people having children and going out to work is a lifechoice, as for some people they work because it affords them a lifestyle they enjoy or they will be able to get to a place in their career not reachable with many years out.

Both SAHM and WOHM are lifestyle choices in a sense in that we (mostly) choose to have children and (mostly) know the financial circumstances we are in.

To all of you who have come on here and said that what you do is the hardest, would you say that it is also true of everyone with your title of SAHM/WOHM/WAHM?

[monkeyflippers]

"Sorry, just to add being a full time working mother is harder, why? Because we still have to do everything else on top of working up to 12 hour days."

Don't agree at all. As a lot of other people (eg Binfullofmaggotsonthe45) have said it depends on circumstances. I have a relation who works and thinks she has it really hard. What is hard about free childcare from all the grandparents? She even gets to go and play tennis every weekend as the granparents help AGAIN. I work from home so do loads of hours work during the day but no one will look after my kids for free and I can't afford childcare so I work AT THE SAME TIME as looking after my kids. You think 12 hours at work with someone else looking after your children is hard then try that!

[pagwatch]

Ooops. Random but..
Could have been worse and been a random butt..

[monkeyflippers]

Arse

[Quenelle]

I agree OP.

[magicmummy1]

I agree with the OP - you can't generalise, and we can each only comment on our own situations.

For me, working is infinitely harder than staying at home would be. But then, I only have one very easy school-aged child and a bloody stressful, demanding FT job. I am quite able to see that people in different circumstances might see things in quite a different light.

Unfortunately, I have no choice but to work. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would quit, but I'd probably want to do something else to keep my brain ticking over - voluntary work perhaps. Or maybe I'd write that book that I have never quite got around to writing...

[muminthecity]

YANBU - horses for courses and all that.

I worked PT up until DD was 2. For those first 2 years being at work was far, far easier than my days at home with DD.

When she was 2 up until about 4 I worked full time. Work was far more difficult and stressful than being at home - as she got older and easier to look after being at home was a doddle.

Now DD is 5 and I work PT again, mainly from home. Life in general is easier and less stressful than ever, though I do much prefer my days at home with DD than the days I WOHM.

FWIW I am a single parent to one DD on a fairly low salary, no nanny, cleaner or anything. I'm pretty sure if I had 4 under 5 or something then my days off would not be such a doddle and I'd probably look forward to my days at work!