Can we agree on one thing?

[Serendippy]

The simple act of staying at home to look after your children or going out to work does not mean you have the harder life. Some people enjoy their jobs, some don't. Some people enjoy being at home with their children, some don't. So 'going out to work' is not necessarily harder than staying at home and vice versa.

I hate hearing the phrase, 'Being a SAHM is the hardest job' because that is clearly not universally true. If you left a job which you hated with long hours and colleagues you didn't get on with, it can be a relief to be at home. OTOH, if you left a stimulating job with lovely colleagues and friends and that you enjoyed, it could be boring to be at home with children.

Yes, if you go out to work, lots of 'SAHM jobs' still need to be done, but the job of looking after the children during the day is not one of them, you pay someone else to do it. So although it is not a job as in paid employment, it is something that needs to be done by somebody.

I really think that how hard your 'job' is depends on the circumstances.

AIBU to think that we can agree that sweeping statements such as 'I am a SAHM/WOHM so therefore I automatically have the harder life' are not accurate or helpful?

[pagwatch]

Rocky

There have been loads of thread on this.
The 'what do sahms do all day' is a loaded gun. It often starts as a genuine question but tbh asking a group of people to justify themselves often takes a bad turn early on.......especially as some many people are already polarized into the sides of the whom/ ( for reasons I will never begin to understand).

But from reading the threads and a bit of personal experience...
Charity work, voluntary work, support for extend family ( ie elderly relatives) or friends/neighbours, church groups, interior decorating, baking, sewing,photography, writing, learning languages, learning a skill such as floristry, gardening, studying etc etc hobbies, school groups such as pta or school govenorship..

Those are first ones that spring to mind...

[scottishmummy]

domestic chores,fluff & fold isn't a job.even if you stretch it for hours a day still isnt a job

is set of tasks that we all do

[COCKadoodledooo]

I'd like the opportunity to find out this time round (4 years since I left to be a sahm, 14 months since I had ds2), but sadly I can't persuade anyone to employ me

Agree with OP - the grass is only greener because more cows shit there

[Simbacatlives]

Bronze- I don't think that anyone is saying they don't work. Childcare is work -whether a cm, nursery, nanny or sahm- if sahm was not looking after the children someone else have to do it- it is clearly work.

[MargaretGraceBondfield]

scottishmummy...what do you get from working?

[MargaretGraceBondfield]

And id staying at home with children pre school age, a friend has four at home, why pay anyone else to do it for you as it's clearly a non job.

[scottishmummy]

some as everyone else i expect
money
vocational satisfaction
autonomy
career progression
role model to my children
provide for family

[spikeycow]

Um, it's hard when you have a few younguns at home, but when your children are in school it's not hard. I'm a working single parent, with one full time job and one with bank hours, also doing an Msc, and have all the cleaning, pet care, washing and cooking to do, plus commuting as I don't drive. That's hard

[scottishmummy]

looking after your own children isnt a job.its what responsible parents do

you walk away from a job and get closure. family is 24/7

[MargaretGraceBondfield]

So don't you think, whilst the list is just as long for the SAHM, it's a different list without the benefit of being in your own skin, having an adult conversation?

I think each is challenging, and it's a shame you have to make yourself feel better by belittling others.

Who the fuck works for the role model status? A benefit maybe, not proven, but not a good enough reason./

[Simbacatlives]

Pagwatch

Interesting- I would say that charity work, floristry, sewing, church etc etc- your full list are all hobbies or leisure activities. Nothing wrong with that- as a working mum I do those things in my leisure time.
Yes even being a governor is a leisure activity for me - I must get a life.

[pagwatch]

Is there going to be a ceremony when the one who has it hardest comes along?

I am quite excited.

[MargaretGraceBondfield]

Nope....not all parents look after their children, unless you're saying people who have others to care for their children are irrepsonsible.

[scottishmummy]

demonstrably show dc by working women can contribute and be more than a housewife or dependent upon another adult

stick in at job you like,get paid and progress.have some autonomy and control.noit financially or socially beholden to someone else

[SoupDragon]

Or show your DC that a woman can still be a worthwhile member of society if, for whatever reason, she stays at home to raise her children.

[bronze]

Pag I love you. If it wasn't for your comments I think my laptop might be dead.
Simba I read it earlier, either on this thread or the other one.

I'm going to leave it now. I have to go and put my urchins to bed

[pagwatch]

Simbacatlives

I think you are misunderstanding me.

I think that wohm are bloody impressive and do things within a tight time frame. I know. I did it.

My list was not to quantify those things as an alternative job. I was directly answering rockys question. Of course I used to have hobbies when I worked. But I can use my time differently now. And the time I spend on two from my list would exceed any potential spare time I had when I worked.

Unless we believe that everything that can possibly be done has to be fitted around paid employment or else it is invalid?

[SoupDragon]

I do wish people would just fuck off and stop judging others for how they raise their children in this respect.

[moomiemoo]

It's such a shame that we're not more supportive of each other - whatever our circumstances.

Each and every one of us has different circumstances - different numbers of children, are different ages, have different relationships with DH/DPs, illnesses, relatives who need caring for, different levels of what we can cope with.

You have no idea from the very few details on here what people's lives are actually like.

It's not a competition.




But if it was I'd probably win.

[scottishmummy]

mn is discursive forum all about judging.the act of asking and opining is passing judgement

[marula]

I am not sure I would want my children, espcially my girls to think that it is okay to stay at home and raise a family ful time. I am not saying they should not have a choice but building a career before they ahve a family or duiring it is incredibly important. and having the ppportuinty to go back to a fufilling job is a wonderful thing. Especially once their kids have grown up and left home.

[atswimtwolengths]

I agree with simba, that the husbands of SAHMs have the easiest time. (That's if the mums do the housework and cleaning and cooking, that is - a few people here have said (not on this thread) that they are SAHMs but don't do any housework .

I think that those who have the worst time are the single mums who have to work full-time. Now that is hard work. And no, it's not a competition for who has the hardest life, just there were many, many times when I was bringing up my children when I bitterly resented my ex husband, who was living with a woman whose children had left home. There was such disparity in our lives.

One thing I couldn't understand was why when a man leaves home he doesn't take on some of the chores - it would have been nice to have handed over all of the children's washing and have got it back washed and ironed a couple of days later. I didn't understand why, just because I was cheated on, it meant I then had to do absolutely everything.

[pagwatch]

Marula, I think that is a good point.

I think being an example to your children is important but my view is that demonstrably contributing to society (again) does not have to be simply via paid employment.

I have one daughter. She is eight. She understands why I am home and what I do. She wants to be a vet or an actress.
My mum was a sahm all her life. It didn't stop me heading to the city at 18 and working until I was 34. I understood her choices.

[geisha]

YANBU.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Irrespective of whether you are in paid work or a SAHM. I don't think I have any right to judge how hard other parents work, only how hard I work.

[marula]

LOL at vet or actress - the choice of most young 8 year olds I would say (mine too)