Can we agree on one thing?

[Serendippy]

The simple act of staying at home to look after your children or going out to work does not mean you have the harder life. Some people enjoy their jobs, some don't. Some people enjoy being at home with their children, some don't. So 'going out to work' is not necessarily harder than staying at home and vice versa.

I hate hearing the phrase, 'Being a SAHM is the hardest job' because that is clearly not universally true. If you left a job which you hated with long hours and colleagues you didn't get on with, it can be a relief to be at home. OTOH, if you left a stimulating job with lovely colleagues and friends and that you enjoyed, it could be boring to be at home with children.

Yes, if you go out to work, lots of 'SAHM jobs' still need to be done, but the job of looking after the children during the day is not one of them, you pay someone else to do it. So although it is not a job as in paid employment, it is something that needs to be done by somebody.

I really think that how hard your 'job' is depends on the circumstances.

AIBU to think that we can agree that sweeping statements such as 'I am a SAHM/WOHM so therefore I automatically have the harder life' are not accurate or helpful?

There's always the person that thrives on 'hard work' and so even if her life is harder she may be happier that way!! So stay at home or work it could be really hard,.

Ok, so I am going to put my oar in - if you have school age kids they are at school between the hours of 8.30-15.30 approx, what do SAHM's do during this time every day? Please dont say shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. It doesnt take all that time and I do this anyway otherwise we would live in a pig sty and starve to death....

See I win! Agree that these threads do get tiresome but can a SAHM with school age children really be as hardworking as a working mum??

I agree op. I think people's seeming vitriol to SAHM/WOHM is all bound up in their own guilt and ishoos.

Rocky - is it a competition?

Very well said OP.

Rocky I do have children at home but as a guide (I've just moved so things are up in the air
I had an allotment so saved us money by growing our veg, kept chickens for eggs and raised them for meat and kept quail and did all the dog care. Was an active member of the playgroup committee and so on I used to walk to school to drop off pick up three times a day. Those 5.5 hours I was actually not doing school run seemed to go incredibly quickly

Isn't everything on here a competition?

From who works hardest, who has worse dh, who has the most g&t child, whose child is going to best uni, who owns the most boden (only joking emoticon but ipads don't work with emoticons)

Do we get a prize if we work the hardest?

Is it like the people who, every time they tell the story of their perfectly ordinary birth , make it more dramatic, more affecting until it was the hardest and worst birth anyone ever had.

And that 'stampy stamp, I have it harder, worse, more challenging, more dramatic than you' pervades their every conversation.

Why do people want that? Does it make them feel worthy or martyr like.

It is odd.

People are constantly searching for validation. I think this is especially true for the SAHM, IME, who gets little or no feedback.

Hmm. I was going to say YANBU because I completely agree with you OP. However, from the range of responses here, it turns out we are both BU. Sorry.

Simba, but what those people are saying about all the housekeeping / gardening etc is pointing out that when one partner is at home, they usually do much more than childcare.

eg if you have a nanny who cooks for your children, looks after their clothes, changes their sheets etc you pay a lot more than if you send a child to a childminder with packed meals. But someone - the working parent - has of course shopped for, cooked, and packed up those meals. As you know. The SAHM is more like the expensive nanny, but to a much greater extent because probably looks after the house and everyone in it, not just the children.

I can't quite make out what you are saying because on the one hand you seem to be pointing out, quite rightly, that there is a lot for working parents to do outside work and most of them just fit it into their own time; but you seem to be annoyed that it is suggested by some that this work can be acknowledged, and for the sake of argument, a notional value ascribed to it? No one is really suggesting that everyone who works sends their laundry out or has a housekeeper to change the sheets. It's just a way of noting that someone has to spend the time on doing these things.

Taffetacat - yes, I think it has turned into that.

I am actually asking a geninue question as I honestly think that SAHM's have an easier time (not with the under 5's and with children who are disabled or who need special care) but all you Mum's with school age children - what do you do during the day?

And no, I dont have a cleaner and havent for the last 6 years, one stole some money, two ladies who had set up a cleaning business fell out with each other and had a stand up fight in my house, and the last lady brought her 3 kids with her, I found one in my son's room watching a DVD so I decied that I would put the money saved into a holiday account, do it myself and then put the money towards a nice holiday for the family which has worked brilliantly

Oh yes I forgot the competition related to everything baby!

I was talking to a sahm who is 60 today- never actually worked. She has looked after elderly relatives for 40 years including when she had 3 young children. Originally her grandparents now her parents who are bit over 90. Not an easy life.

I think in some respects being a SAHM is easier than going out to work, but in other respects it is infinitely more difficult.

I can be aboslutely knackered after a 10 hour day at work - usually mental exhaustion, but on the days where I have looked after DD on my own all day, I can be a lot more drained.

I went back to work when DD was seven months old. If I had stayed on Mat leave any longer, I would have gone stir crazy. I really did go back to work for a break!

I love my DD more than life and cherish the time we do spend together (I work full time on a 9 day fortnight, so every other Friday we get a day together, just the two of us to do something fun), but the thought of being a SAHM full time fills me with dread. Not necesarily to do with the childcare, but to do with the drudgery, repetativeness and monotony of it all (which is how it would feel for me) of doing all the housework / cooking etc.

DH, on the other hand, would absolutely love to be a SAHD and while this is not going to be possible for at least 5 years, we are hoping to have things arranged so that by the time DD (and hopefully the sibling we are TTC) are at school, he will be working school hours only from home and will be there to pick them up and cook my their tea etc.

I will carry on working full time. Unless we win the lottery, in which case, I will be working full time on my property portfolio renevating derelict period houses while he runs the house and the smallholding and feeds the goats / chickens / ducks / sheep / shetland ponies and makes cider from apples grown in our orchard .

Sorry not being competetive just trying to help answer the question.
Of course not everyone is on comittees/has livestock/teaches thei granny to knit but thats the point, we are all different and you just cannot generalise

Rocky - without wanting to sound inflammatory, if you wanted a task by task breakdown of what a SAHM does during school hours, you could probably do worse than check out some of the FlyLady threads.

why on earth did that take 6 minutes to actually post

I have been both and find them both hard work. I think it entirely depends upon your individual circumstance and also what you find hard, one persons idea of hard work may be another's idea of fun/easy. Horses for courses. I would never judge another mum for her choice, she makes them based upon her individual situation, same I do mine. I also couldn't care less what other mums/people think if my choices.

Nuts.

I am sure that when at home sahm do more than childcare however the things that they do such as housework and gardening are things that working parents do when they get home.

I have done both.

I actually think that probably ( and shoot me down) it is the dhs of sahms who get the best deal as they end up doing less of the domestic tasks.

Well, I have done both. I was a full time SAHM for 8 years, until DS2 was full time at school. I then worked PT until I had DS3, and when he was 6mo went back to work full time.

I can say that IME both are hard. It is hard being at home with small DC's and not much adult interaction, no money. There are only so many times that you can wipe a nose without losing the will to live.

It is also hard working full time, missing out on things like the school pick up, the little conversations that you have during the day etc. But, the mental stimulation that you get at work does make a big difference, and yes the money helps.

So, neither SAHM or Working Mums should beat themselves up about it. Make the right choice for you at the time, and also understand that the right choice for you may change over time, and you and your DC's will be ok.

i wince at sahm hardest job in world.clearly isnt

is really trite and a bit inane

nearly up there with shite like "housewifes should be paid"

aye like thats going to happen anytime soon

But what tasks does a SAHM do that a working family dont do, have a cleaner house, clean sheets, food in the fridge? Better home cooked meals? I am really really not wanting to sound inflammatory but my DH and myself do all of the above we just dont have the luxury of doing it during the working day.

Not sure what FlyLady is? Am I going to like it??

For some it is scottishmummy.

No I would give tha position to the alaskan crab fishermen or someone like that.
I don't claim to do the hardest job in the world bu tI am getting pissed off with being told that sahm mums dont work.

Rocky, I think when people talk about hard/easy regarding a SAHM they also consider the needy child, the lack of adult company, the endless list of thankless tasks and so on. It's not all how many dishes have to be cleaned.