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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

young, close relative has become an "escort" WWYD?

882 replies

notreallymehere · 06/01/2011 16:22

20 something low closeish relative has become an escort. She has been thinking about it for a while, tried it in London, stopped but now has gone back to it in her home town. She is with what appears to be reputable agency and seems to be making quite a lot of money. Lots of reviews now appearing on her webpage etc. She appears fully happy with her choice - she had a job before (working in a coffee bar) but says that the money is better with this (she has previously worked as a lap dancer). My question is what do I tell my friends/acquaintances if they ask about her. I've discussed this with some people when she first started in London and the reaction was very aggressive "well you should have stopped her" etc etc. (hence name change) Fact is that she is an adult and this is her choice and I cannot see how I can stop her - she is making a far bit of money at this and is very financially motivated. However she is part of the family and it is difficult to avoid the questions but many people are very judgemental (of me for somehow "allowing" this to happen).

OP posts:
roseability · 09/01/2011 13:32

Well I am a nurse by profession and I have worked in a busy city A&E department. I saw with my own eyes women who were victims at the hands of men. Domestic violence, rape and violence against prostitutes is sadly more common than people would like to admit.

Oh and if The Royal College of Nursing said that they are a bunch of tools

But guess what? In a profession where 80% are female, a staggering 80% of the top jobs are occupied by male nurses Hmm

Makes me wonder exactly who was saying this amongst the nursing ranks

AlienZombieMum · 09/01/2011 13:42

For some (probably most women, myself included) sex is something I only enjoy with someone I'm attracted to and know well, preferably love, which does not mean I cannot perform sex as a job, neutrally.

For some (probably a lot of men and some women too) sex is a strong physical desire not connected to love etc.

So like SGB tries to say often - Sex can be just an activity or done for many reasons, it does not have to be only with someone you love etc.

The argument about sexuality is rubbish. Yes it can happen (and did with me) that it was hard to enjoy sex whilst concurrently performing it (ie on the same day/week) - but it was not traumatic to me - more like being a chef and cooking all day then coming home to cook would perhaps be repetative and less enjoyable when you cooked at home.

cue Dittany telling me about my own personal life again

AlienZombieMum · 09/01/2011 13:44

No Sakura it is mostly the shame that society and people like the woman on this thread who was calling the OP's relative a "whore" and "an embarrassment to her family" bring on the woman.

sakura · 09/01/2011 13:51

yes, that poster was out of order

But you have to ask yourself why society heaps shame on the woman and not the scumbag who has dehumanized a human being to the point where he thinks buying someone's body is a reasonable thing to do
Why does he feel no shame?
Why is the shame on her shoulders- why does society put his shame on her shoulders?

AlienZombieMum · 09/01/2011 13:52

I would be sad that my daughter was being coerced into letting men fuck her because our consumerist society tells us that a person's value is defined by how much money they can earn

So would I, but if it was her choice at the end of the day I could not try to stop her. I am hopefully going to teach her (and am doing now) that a person's value is absolutely not defined by how much they can earn.

Like I said to OP if she did choose to do it the worst thing you could do would be to condemn her, since then she would just do it anyway but not tell you or confide in you. Then where are you? because you cannot stop an adult from doing something they choose to do

It is also not all black-and-white, prostitution is evil etc etc. Having had experience I would of course not be overjoyed but I would not be scaremongering and convinced that she would definitely end up damaged either. I would be sad about the potential of harm, and would try to make sure best I can that she was as safe as possible - the exact opposite of what people who want to abolish prostitution will achieve.

sakura · 09/01/2011 13:53

I don't know why SGB keeps pretending anyone here is saying sex only has to be with someone you love.
LOads of women have one night stands with people they don't know. What's that got nothing to do with turning sex into a commodity. What's that got to do with being picked out of a line up by some creep who sees women's bodies as interchangeable commodities?

sakura · 09/01/2011 13:55

feminists cannot abolish prostitution. BUt we can condemn the men who decide buying another person is a reasonable thing to do.

We can condemn and criminalize these people, because frankly, right now a lot of them don't even think twice about what they're doing. Our culture tells them it's okay.

ShdNoBetta · 09/01/2011 14:03

It is not okay because who says it is not okay sakura? You?
You have been told repeatedly that the men are not buying another person, they are in a mutual contract with the woman that they will share their affections whether that involves sex or not for an agreed amount of time, now just because you personally find this disgusting, imposing your morality on others is what I find disgusting.
As a woman who is willing to fulfil such a contract I am telling them it is okay as a mature woman who has made and informed decision to go into this industry with her eyes wide open.
I most certainly think I have the better end of the bargain, and as long as the man leaves thinking he has then we are both happy.

dittany · 09/01/2011 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sakura · 09/01/2011 14:06

Shd so you're saying your one of these people who would encourage your son or daughter to be penetrated by men for cash

Seeing as you find it disgusting I'm saying this is "not okay" I assume for you, it is "okay"

?

dittany · 09/01/2011 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlienZombieMum · 09/01/2011 14:07

You have been told repeatedly that the men are not buying another person, they are in a mutual contract with the woman that they will share their affections whether that involves sex or not for an agreed amount of time, now just because you personally find this disgusting, imposing your morality on others is what I find disgusting.
As a woman who is willing to fulfil such a contract I am telling them it is okay as a mature woman who has made and informed decision to go into this industry with her eyes wide open

Yup.

What SGB says is quite refreshing, as there are many many real reasons people have sex - sometimes it happens to be for money, sometimes for status etc, sometimes (preferable for some people) for love. It is not some sacred thing, it is an activity like any other. For me personally it is a million times more enjoyable with someone I love but that is not the case for everyone.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 09/01/2011 14:08

"The argument about sexuality is rubbish. Yes it can happen (and did with me) that it was hard to enjoy sex whilst concurrently performing it (ie on the same day/week) - but it was not traumatic to me - more like being a chef and cooking all day then coming home to cook would perhaps be repetative and less enjoyable when you cooked at home."

Sex is not like cooking though is it? Sex can be something you do with someone you love as an expression of love. Cooking is a means to eat.

ShdNoBetta · 09/01/2011 14:10

You have been in the room when such transactions take place dittany? You have first hand knowledge?
No did not think so yet you presume to tell those that do how it all works.

I have already answered that question dittany I fear you are just rehashing old ground for lack of argument. I get on with it and count the cash dittany :)It is MY CHOICE to do so.

AlienZombieMum · 09/01/2011 14:11

You know it isn't which is why you changed from penetration to paid BDSM

I have repeatedly asked you to stop making statements about my life.

Is that why I changed to BDSM? really? I did not know that! because go ahead you obviously know me better than I know myself! I "know" it isn't do I?

For crying out loud, how many times are you going to tell me about my own life from behind a computer screen? I do not do that to you.

sakura · 09/01/2011 14:12

again, what are you banging on about when you say sex has to be about love

Sex is about pleasure and in some cases, babies

Why is this being confused with the men who use their power to have sex with someone of a lower status than them, socially or econimcally
What does it say about them?

sakura · 09/01/2011 14:13

or you do get sympathy fucks as well, I suppose, but that has nothing to do with commodifying sex, which is what the sex industry is all about

sakura · 09/01/2011 14:14

can you answer my question Shd

you're saying your one of these people who would encourage your son or daughter to be penetrated by men for cash

Seeing as you find it disgusting I'm saying this is "not okay" I assume for you, it is "okay" ?

ShdNoBetta · 09/01/2011 14:15

I love my SO other to bits but there are times when I am hooking and when I am not that I do not want to be having sex with him, there are many woman the world over that shut their eyes and think get on with it on occasion.
There are many many woman the world over that have chosen their life partner not because they find them sexually attractive but for what they can bring to their lives, quite often financial stability, have you asked them the same question or is that mutually exclusive to prostitutes also?

ShdNoBetta · 09/01/2011 14:18

I absolutely do not think it okay for anyone to encourage anyone to this industry, I do think it okay for someone to be supportive of a decision already made.
I have never said anything other, you do like putting words into others mouths my dear, I do not profess to know much about anyone else's situation but I do know a hell of a lot more about mine than any of you do.

sakura · 09/01/2011 14:18

so you're not going to answer my question?

Seeing as you find it disgusting I'm saying it is "not okay" to encourage your son or daughter to be penetrated by men for cash, I assume for you, it is "okay" ?

sakura · 09/01/2011 14:19

why is it not okay to encourage someone into this industry?

dittany · 09/01/2011 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sakura · 09/01/2011 14:23

ShD yes, I think marriage is a form of prostitution sometimes, in some societies, and I think prostitutes have certain freedoms and independance that married women don't have. THere is a lot wrong with the marriage set up
But I also think a man who pays a woman for sex and contributes to a sex industry is a far cry from a man who wants to share a life with one woman, have children with her etc.

ShdNoBetta · 09/01/2011 14:27

Because by the very nature coercion is not okay neither is it IMO (IMO not used enough by many of you)okay for someone to encourage a young person to go overseas and die for their country.
If prostitution did not have the stigma attached to it, (which accounts for much of the mental adjustment that people have to make keeping the job secret) then I would have no objection to any child of mine doing it if they decided that was what they wanted to do. I would be more upset if they wanted to join the army.
But you see mummy is already doing it, therefore their education (a very good one) is already paid for, not that mummy does not have a very good education also paid out of the pocket of clients, she however has decided to move out of her chosen profession to have children and what better way to afford herself the luxury of time to spend with her children and still make sure they want for nothing with a little (okay a lot) of 'pin' money for working just a few hours a day?