young, close relative has become an "escort" WWYD?

[notreallymehere]

20 something low closeish relative has become an escort. She has been thinking about it for a while, tried it in London, stopped but now has gone back to it in her home town. She is with what appears to be reputable agency and seems to be making quite a lot of money. Lots of reviews now appearing on her webpage etc. She appears fully happy with her choice - she had a job before (working in a coffee bar) but says that the money is better with this (she has previously worked as a lap dancer). My question is what do I tell my friends/acquaintances if they ask about her. I've discussed this with some people when she first started in London and the reaction was very aggressive "well you should have stopped her" etc etc. (hence name change) Fact is that she is an adult and this is her choice and I cannot see how I can stop her - she is making a far bit of money at this and is very financially motivated. However she is part of the family and it is difficult to avoid the questions but many people are very judgemental (of me for somehow "allowing" this to happen).

I just wanted to say that I have been following this thread and whilst I have no experience of the sex industry, I agree wholeheartedly with AZM

On the prostitued women front I think both points are valid. Whilst it is totally correct to refer to a woman forced/coherced/traffiked into it as a prostituted woman, this would be inaccurate reffering to the OP's cousin/neice as she has clearly and willingly chosen to become a sex worker.

The Amsterdam example is a good one, they are in a regulated and protected industry, and of course there is still traffiking and underground protitution but the industry as a whole is much MUCH safer because it is policed

I think AZM's point is stop on, condeming and criminalising will not make prostitution go away, there is a reason it's refered to as the oldest profession...

In response to the OP, if it were me (and I don't give a toss what others think) I would say what she does and that she's happy with that choice so fair play.

If you don't support her choice to do this then you can make it clear, or alternatively just say you have no idea what she does and leave it at that if you are concerned that her actions will reflect badly on you

There's a Market for paedophiles. Do we just allow something because there's a demand for it?

I look forward to the day when we follow Sweden. We need a change in attitude. I am sick of listening to married men go on about they've paid for sex on stag weekends but it (and the girl) didn't mean anything. We need to change the mindset that it is acceptable to use and abuse women in this way. It's been successful in Sweden (although I expect those who are pro prostitution will find a way of disputing this). Something like 75% of the population in Sweden now agree with the law. Obviously that's not to say it doesn't happen still but that cultural shift is extremely important.

It's your husbands we're talking about here! They are the ones who thinking it's ok too. I know of 4 different well paid managers, all married, in my last organisation (NHS) who had all slept with prostitutes abroad. I wonder what their wives would have thought of it?

I'd like to throw the question back to the OP. If you are so sure that your relative will be fine, why did come on here to ask about her choice? Or are you more concerned about people's reaction to you in not intervening more (assuming that you could)? Would you feel differently if it was your own daughter?

Of course we do not allow paedophilia because there is a market for it!!!! That is insane - you cannot possibly compare prostitution to paedophilia.

Some women (and I would say that only a small minority are suited to it) will always want to sell sex , and men will want to purchase.

I'm not saying exploitative elements like trafficking etc are ok, clearly they are not , but WE ALREADY HAVE LAWS AGAINST THOSE THINGS, and we would be doing well to ask authorities to concentrate energies on enforcing them, instead of concentrating on shutting down flats with 2 ladies working independently, or getting caught up in red tape trying to prove a client has paid for a service (very very time consuming and expensive to prove).

do u actually know shes having sex for money?

Am still here, lurking :)
JiA I'm not sure that she will be fine but that is true of many jobs - if she wanted to go backpacking around the world then I wouldn't be sure that she'd be fine. Doesn't mean that I could stop her. As for intervening - have talked to her about it but there is not a lot more I can do - how would you "intervene"? Should we go back to the days when women were routinely sectioned for making a socially unacceptable choice?

I wouldn't feel differnet if it were my own daughter as long as I were convinced that she had thought it through carefully, was being as safe as possible and was definately making a choice. Yes I'd rather she became a human rights lawyer or a doctor but probably would rather she took up escort work with an agency than (say) joined the forces as a front line type person (I think women can now - if not then probably will be able to soon). Once she is an adult then it is up to her what she does not up to me - that's what being an adult means.

That was the argument put forward before that I was responding to. If there's a market for something, then we should shrug our shoulders and legalise it.

Funnily enough my mum waffles on about choice and empowerment in terms of prostitution. Yet if I were to chuck my job in and become a lap dancer or an escort she would be devastated. Why is this if it's so ok?

It's always ok if it's someone else's daughter or sister for some reason.

I don't want any women to be unsafe. Ever. Inthink that forcing the cultural shift that it is unacceptable to buy women and girls will benefit all women, everywhere, whether a prostitute or not. I refuse to shrug my shoulders and accept that this is the way things are and therefore there's no point trying to tackle them.

NM yes I do know - your question surprises me - there are people who have sex for money you know

How do you stop women allowing themselves to be bought? It will always be a problem, as long as the rich have more money than the poor, and the old more money than the young. It's called "the oldest profession" for a good reason.

JA - You do not have to agree with it (there are a lot of aspects of the Sex Industry I don't agree with personally), but it is irresponsible surely to endanger lives just because you find it completely morally wrong.

It is like refusing to give drug addicts clean needles. Ok you are taking a stand against what you believe to be wrong, but what about the casualties of HIV when the addicts re-use the needles?

You want to abolish prostitution because you feel it is wrong (there is certainly a lot wrong with it but I don't think inherently wrong) , but in doing so you put women at risk of murder and more commonly, sustained physical assault.

thats not what i meant lol, there are some escorts who dont have sex for money i was just wondering if she was or not is all lol

NM - the market for escorts who don't actually offer sexual release is so tiny it almost does not exist.

Notreallymehere-I was not suggesting that you should intervene. I accept that you are limited in what you can do if you are concerned. I was wondering more about your motivations for posting. If you are convinced that she has made the right choice for her, were you just seeking validation for not being worried because IRL you have met with some shocked responses? That's the impression I get although I accept that I may well be wrong. Are you worried that her choice reflects badly on you in sone way?

"Oldest profession"? Any more cliches that can be rolled out ?!

thing is yeah, so you like being a hooker thats great. But then you've got young girls like me who have to put up with what effect you're having on society.
By allowing men to buy your c*nt they start to think its normal that they can buy a woman like a bag of crisps. Then i have to walk down the street and face all the disgusting stares/comments/advances that get thrown my way just for being alive in a world where "some" women do nothing to show men we in fact are equal.
Cheers for that, greatly appreciated.

AlienZombie-you mistake my motivations for supporting the swedish model entirely. The word hasn't appeared in my arguments at all, anywhere. Please read what I have written again. I don't have time to repeat my arguments again.

Im not including women who are forced into it, or really genuinly have no other choice whatsoever in the above. But seriously, we all have to work, is a full time proper job not better than just being lazy?
AZM can i ask why you no longer work as a prositute?

"The word moral" I meant.

And yes, I agree with Kitten. That doesn't mean the women working in the sex industry shouldn't be helped or protected. It means that men need to get the message that buying sex like buying a drink is not ok. I have to work with men who think it's ok. Doesn't make for great working relationships because the attitude propagated in these men is carried through to their workplaces, their homes, when they are out. I am sick of this male entitlement. It affects all women as Kitten says.

kittenshaped people can buy cars but tehy do not all try to drive mine off whenever I park it. They can buy haircuts but no one has (yet :) ) stopped me and asked for one. As long as women feel a need to show men that they are equal then there will always be an issue. We are equal. We do not need to keep proving this.

Kittenshaped, I don't really understand your "lazy" "why not get a full time job" post, other than to say that if you meant what I think you meant, then the reason I chose to be a prostitute was because wanted to earn a decent living (not a huge amount, just not scrimping and saving) whilst I was at Uni and a single mother. Financially I could get by if I went to Uni AND had a job, but then I would have hardly seen my child. Either that or ONLY go to Uni, and spend time with child and free time on my own but scrimp and save for 4-5 years with debt collectors at my door every week.
I wanted to study, have time for my child and my life, and live comfortably. Did not want to sacrifice one of these.

I have personally never understood why some women enter the industry for designer bags etc. How much money/stuff does one person really need? But who am I to judge them, it's their choice.

I stopped working as a prostitute when I started having problems in my personal sex life with my partner because of it. Not horrible traumatic stuff by the way, just a sort of "chore" feeling to sex with my partner as did it all day at work. Although obviously my personal sex life was totally different from my work IN MY HEAD, My body seemed to react differently , and it thought I was to put on a performance like I did at work. So I stopped as I valued my relationship more than the extra money and I had already completed my course by then.

soggy how on earth are we "seen" as equal? not completely anyway when we're living in a world where all the above of what i mentioned happens and women in general are treated as objects...

thanks for answering honestly AZM but i still don't see how you NEEDED to sell your bits to sickos, i can't afford to go to uni so i work full time, is a degree really worth it?
were you not able to just get a job and work your way up within the sector you wanted to work?

JessInAvalons right, its about the sense of entitlement these men get and how it spills out into society affecting all us women, its just so infuriating.
I am SICK to death of dealing with it

From the article in The Times yesterday about the abuse inflicted by the sex gangs in the Midlands and the North of England. I thought it was relevant here:

"Why these men and why these girls? By and large the seducers and abusers come from formerly rural communities that tend both to idealise and oppress women. The notion what the "good" woman is as a mother, wife, daughter, may be enforced without significant regard to the woman's own wishes.

And one of these notions concerns the importance of virginity before marriage. If this sounds familiar, it is. It is only a couple of centuries since such attitudes were widespread (though less violently enforced) in this country.

Now, such repression is problematic for women but it sets up a particular tension for me. Yesterday's report included experiences from the Netherlands, where one study spoke of men who jealously guarded "the chastity of their sisters, but use other girls for their 'loverboy' practices".

[According to] Freud, many men in this situation seek to have sex with the opposite of the ideal woman, (with) the "debased sexual object, a woman who is ethically inferior, to whom he need attribute no aesthetic scruples, who does not know him in his other social relations and cannot judge him in them." Who can better fit this description than a young, sexually "available" non-Muslim girl?"

Now, such repression is problematic for women but it sets up a particular tension for men.

Kitten, I didn't have to begin working as a prostitute survive no, but I desperately wanted to study my chosen field (medical profession, so cannot be learned really 'on the job').

I was working long hours in various minimum wage jobs just to make ends meet and was really fed up, watching all my friends go off to Uni and going out etc whilst I was a young single mum. I couldn't afford to give up my full time work so therefore couldn't study. I found a job that would pay what my supermarket job paid in a week, in just 1.5 hours, it happened to be prostitution.

It did not particularly matter to me what the clients thought of me so long as they were not rude or pushy. They could think of me as a intellectually inferior bimbo if they liked (some did, most did not) but all that matters to me is that I KNEW MYSELF that I was not. i did not "dumb down" in fact sometimes I put them in their place.

OP - I've just read your post again and am interested by some of the language you use. I also think that this post is more about you than about her.

You say that she "appears fully happy with her choice": this would imply that you don't quite believe the image that she is presenting and that you are questioning her happy front (which I would also do if I was her relative). I wonder why this is? Do you have an innate sense of worry about her even though she seems "happy" with her choice?

You say: My question is what do I tell my friends/acquaintances if they ask about her.
If you are supportive of her choices, why does it matter what you tell your friends, whether you've had an aggressive reaction or not?

Why did you feel the need to name change for this post if you are so supportive and unconcerned about her career choices?

You say, I cannot see how I can stop her, implying that you have thought about it and want to (as I imagine a lot of people would, quite naturally). But why would this even cross your mind if you think her choice of job is ok?

However she is part of the family implying that blood being thicker than water etc, you'll support her - which I respect.

Many people are very judgemental (of me for somehow "allowing" this to happen): This is where I think the nub of your post is. You seem to be feeling judged for not stopping her and for having a relative who is working as an escort.

You feel some pressure, internally and externally, to stop her and it appears that you feel it's a negative association.

It does seem to me from both the language you use and from the fact that you've come here for advice that you are not fully happy with her choice and that you suspect that she is not happy with it (as you say she "appears happy".

I do agree that the question of intervention is a difficult one, her being an adult woman etc. However, I wonder if you have posted for reassurance that 1. there is nothing you can do, and 2. that, yes, she doesn't just "appear happy" in her choice, she actually is happy with her choice.

You seem a little torn between wanting to support her choices and feeling uncomfortable with them.

I don't know the situation fully, and I don't know how close a relation you are to her so it's difficult to know what to advise you to do. However, I can only think of what I might do if it was a similar situation and I think I would approach her closer relatives (e.g. her mum, if she's around and willing to listen) and express your concerns. If you want to absolve yourself of responsibility, that's one way of doing it.

If you are confident in her choices, then I would also suggest telling your friends that this is the case. If you genuinely believe that she is happy and that this is good job for her then presumably you will have no qualms in expressing this to your friends.

Jess: but the problem here is religion not sex work. It's the Abrahamic religions which are the biggest enemy of women's wellbeing, opportunities and status.