young, close relative has become an "escort" WWYD?

[notreallymehere]

20 something low closeish relative has become an escort. She has been thinking about it for a while, tried it in London, stopped but now has gone back to it in her home town. She is with what appears to be reputable agency and seems to be making quite a lot of money. Lots of reviews now appearing on her webpage etc. She appears fully happy with her choice - she had a job before (working in a coffee bar) but says that the money is better with this (she has previously worked as a lap dancer). My question is what do I tell my friends/acquaintances if they ask about her. I've discussed this with some people when she first started in London and the reaction was very aggressive "well you should have stopped her" etc etc. (hence name change) Fact is that she is an adult and this is her choice and I cannot see how I can stop her - she is making a far bit of money at this and is very financially motivated. However she is part of the family and it is difficult to avoid the questions but many people are very judgemental (of me for somehow "allowing" this to happen).

AZM...if you work in the medical profesion, do you ever worry about coming across some of your old customers ?

genuine question

kittenshaped there will always be some men who treat women as objects - like there will always be some women who treat men as objects. It is how you deal with it that matters. I know absolutely that I am not an object so it doesn't bother me if someome eyes me up in the street - why shoud it - it is their problem not mine. What does bother me is when my oppotunities are restricted by prejudice - which means pre judging - and assumptions - and that is sort of what some are doing here - judging people because of their choices and assuming that they can't possibly have made that choice. By stateing that a woman can't possibly have chosen this route and cope with the lifestyle how ar you any different to the men who assume that a woman can't possibly really cope with any particular job?

JiA I think that 99% of people in my situation would have said "she is happy" - I do not say things like that simply because you can't ever be certain what someone else is thinking. Basically there is nothing that she has said or done that would indicate unhappiness beyond what is normal in anyone (ie she is occasionally cross about things but only specific things like car breaking down etc).
I'm posting primarily to guage the sort of reaction that I'm likely to get if I do tell people that I know what she does. When I say "I cannot see how to stop her" it is more that I want to understand why some people find it necessary to judge me for what she is doing. There are 2 questions here I guess - should I stop her (and I personally, after satisfying myself that this is a choice do not think that I should) and IF I did think that then would it be possible anyway? I think that the answer to that is no but I get the impression that some think that I could somehow wave a magic wand and she'd suddenly develop "proper middle class aspirations" and become a lawyer :)

NRMH - I've just read back through the entire post and you have asked several times, probably rhetorically, "what can I do anyway?"

It seems to me that you want to believe that she's happy, that it's an informed choice, that she will be absolutely fine and unscathed.

Because if all of that is true, you could absolve yourself of any responsibility you might feel towards her and not worry about actually having to do anything to help her.

You say that you want to understand why some people find it necessary to judge you for what she is doing. I don't think from your posts that it is that people are judging you for what she is doing; they are judging you for not trying to do anything about it (that's not to say that you can or should do anything about it but that seems to be what you are being judged for).

If you need to understand why some people are judging you for not doing anything, that suggests a lack of knowledge (and I don't mean to be patronising here) about prostitution. Or perhaps they are showing a lack of awareness? Could I suggest that you do some research and then you could understand either why people might be judging you or you could arm yourself with facts/figures to give to them to justify your own stance and her choices (of doing nothing) because you will then think that prostitution is fine as a job.

You still seem unsure as to what you think of her choice.

In answer to your questions, should you stop her - I would say, yes, of course you try as I hope I would if I was in your shoes. Your second question - would that be possible anyway? Very possibly not but I'm not sure I could stand back and let a young relative be a prostitute.

If something happens to her at some point, would you be easing your conscience by telling yourself that it was her choice?

The guys I know who all use prostitutes/strip clubs put forward the "it's her choice" argument every time. It absolves them of any responsibility (i.e. making a choice themselves of not using the prostitute/lap dancer) and it seems that that's what you're doing here.

I meant to say that I've read back through the entire thread - all 13 pages of it.

NRMH - can I suggest that you read some of this blog? I posted a link to it earlier on.

rmott62.wordpress.com/

One in particular about the escort business:
rmott62.wordpress.com/2010/12/29/red-herrings/

It's written by someone who worked as a prostitute for many years. Are you able to read it and disassociate this kind of experience from your relative?

It's good writing. I'd suggest that you read through some of the other blog entries and see what you think.

My brother was a male escort when he was 20. When I found out, I did intervene and stopped him. He appeared happy but wasn't when you spoke to him about it. OP I would do my upmost to convince her to stop if I were you

OMG at this thread
"It's the oldest profession" bullshit line trotted out to anyone who'll believe it

"She likes sex" You don't see people advising men who like sex that they should sell their arse, do you? No, because men have got better means of making money.

"Men are prositutes too so it shows women buy sex" Nah, men buy male prostitutes, on the whole. [cue people saying they've heard of a woman,once, who bought sex, thereby proving men are just as exploited as women]

God, and I only got to page three

If prostitution isn't the oldest profession, what do you suppose is?

Do you really think women don't buy prostitutes because they have higher moral standards than men? Or is it because they don't have to, and can get sex for free pretty much whenever they want it?

RobF NObody fucking knows what the oldest profession actually is. It could be bee-hunting for all we know.

BUt "bee-hunting is the oldest profession so exploiting females is okay" doesn't have the same ring to it, does it

ANd, no, I don't think women have higher moral standards than men. The cold hard economic facts show that men-as-a-group have more money than women by far which means they have more spare cash to pay for the use of other human beings' bodies. Women, on the whole, do not have the kind of cash men have, and if they had, they'd spend it on other things, their children.
Most women would be happy with enough cash to pay their bills without having to prostitute themselves

And yes, I don't think women are as interested in penetrating men's orifices. In fact, most women have zero interest paying to penetrating a man with a dildo
Because penetration appears to be the point here, doesn't it

If the OP is really only worried about people's reactions, then she could try telling the more inquisitive ones that her relative is on the game. Most of them probably would be highly embarrassed and drop the subject entirely.

Personally I would be devastated and very very worried if any of my friends or relatives became a prostitute, and absolutely disgusted and repulsed if any of my male relatives or friends told me that they used a woman (or man for that matter) for sex in exchange for money.

Whilst yes it is a choice open to everyone to sell themselves body and soul it does require that there be someone buying. As for the "professional" tag it is a ridiculous one. Men may have been buying womens' bodies in order to have sex for a very long time, but that doesn't make it a good thing.

As for the arguments re decriminalisation / legalisation etc the evidence appears to show that neither of these options are good, in that trafficking and street prostitution go up where this has been implemented, and the women in brothels are not necessarily safer or better treated.

I will believe the happy hooker myth when the women that sell themselves are richer than the men that buy them, I will believe the happy hooker myth when a job on a checkout pays more than fucking random men for money, I will believe the happy hooker myth when hell freezes over.

Nobody likes going to work. We all do it because we need the money. If some woman can earn as much for an hour's sex with a man as she could for a full weeks work sat at a desk, or behind a counter, who are you to say that she's wrong?

Do you get post traumatic stress syndrome akin to levels suffered by front line soldiers when you work sat at a desk?

I believe that the sense of entitlement that is engendered in men because they can buy a woman's body for half an hour is wrong.

Rob....some people love going to work.

And as a happy hooker so do I Margaret :)

And I would say I have a higher disposable income than many of the men that come to see me.

And I tell you now as already stated if I could earn as much money on a checkout counter in a shift as I could being a hooker I still would chose to be a hooker.

On average I earn £500 a day for around 3-4 hours work.
(My other job pays a fraction of that)

God I love my job

AnyFucker No I never have, don't really think about it. If I did they would just act as embarrassed as me! If they did say anything it would be their word against mine, as I never did show my face online when I worked in prostitution. That was the reason I never showed my face, in case it came back to haunt me Heather Mills style!

OP If I were you I'd try to (gently) ask more questions and gauge if she really is happy as an escort (or at least not really unhappy - normal jobs can make people unhappy too). She could very well be happy, and if she were to become unhappy, she is not forced and would probably not be in extreme poverty if she stopped, so she would probably leave the job herself of her own accord. If she tells you she is not then maybe you could suggest ways to change her options. Either way, tell her you are always there to talk if she needs.

I would (as a former Sex Worker) advise her to start looking into studying for a future career which will give her good financial security. Either that or save/invest a good proportion of her earnings. Most 20-year-olds would not listen to this advice though, whatever job they are in! . However it is all the more important for your relative, as unfortunately this industry is fickle and if she does end up doing this for a long time she may see her bookings/work drop as she gets older, and that could be quite bad for self-esteem I can imagine, especially if you don't have a future lucrative/very enjoyable career to look forward to. Unfortunately that is one of the bad points of this work, that some , not all, but a good few of the men who visit escorts are looking for young 18-25 bracket even though they themselves are getting on a bit. They can at times be nasty about older ladies (the same bloody age as them!)

JA I read bits of that blog, it really is the extreme end of what this sort of work can do to someone who is not suited to it in the first place

Women very very rarely buy sex (in fact it's almost unheard of). I would say the reason is that whilst men probably enjoy sex more when with someone they care about, it is not a prerequisite. Generally I would say women (me included) do not often have sex with someone unless they care about them or see a possibility of a relationship.

Men buy sex from Men and from Women (mostly for one or two simple reasons). Some men and women are willing to sell it (for numerous reasons)

Most women would be happy with enough cash to pay their bills without having to prostitute themselves

But some women prostitute themselves because they don't just want to scrape by, they want to have more time to themselves or they want to save or pay off debts. It can be a choice. For some a bad choice, for some a good choice, for some somewhere in between

Because penetration appears to be the point here, doesn't it

A moderate amount of my bookings as a prostitute did not include penetration of any orifices, and when I did hand relief only none of them did. I hear the same from other Sex Workers.

Nooka, Prostitution does not involve selling your body, and certainly not your soul! As far as I can see, I still have my body and my soul. You are renting out your body for a set time period within your own boundaries. They do not get to just do what they like to your body, it has been a prearranged contract (even if you are a street worker) for a set period of time. Buying you body sounds ridiculous, and buying your soul sounds even more so, in fact I find that statement rather insulting.

Do you get post traumatic stress syndrome akin to levels suffered by front line soldiers when you work sat at a desk?

Can you verify where you got that 'fact' from, as I think it was recently discredited.

AZM, thanks for your very interesting perspective. It is not something you read about everyday on mn!

I totally get it why a person would want to do it for the financial reasons and relative flexibility. I note your sensible comments about having an exit strategy. But having done it, is it something that you can actually leave behind?

You mentioned your dp was fine with it. But I would be surprised most men would be happy with their partners being on the game, whether previously or concurrently.

If it ever came up in conversation with strangers, would you reveal that you were once a sex worker? Or would you play that down. Have you ever been 'found out' in civilian life. Does your dd know? Would you be happy if she did a stint too (when older, of course).

Those are the issues I have difficulty with.

ShdNoBetta Sat 08-Jan-11 13:42:19

Does your other job make you more likely to be raped, catch STDs or at the mercy of a man's wallet?

Does your conscience allow you to forget that you are part of an industry that thrives on the get rich quick with the least effort and part of the industry trafficks women and children, worldwide and in the UK?

Does your conscience allow you to think about the drug addict giving a blow job for a bag of smack?

Does your conscience allow you to accept that spreading this happy hooker myth you are in danger of persuading a vulnerable young woman that selling her body is a good idea?

For me, being a prostitute is like working for Benson and Hedges, maybe you're not giving cigarettes to poor Mexican children but you are definitely part of that chain.

I was raped and also caught an STD when I was 17 I did not start hooking until I was in my 30s, I have been hooking for over a decade now and not had either, so in my personal experience my job has not exposed me to any more danger than any other person that has a job that you consider acceptable.
My conscience is totally clear, I am not involved in any shape or form in the illegal aspects of the industry.
It is is only a myth in your eyes, there are many extremely happy hookers out there, but it appears that you do not wish to believe that woman have a choice over what to do with their own mind and body.
Prostitution is not for everyone but it is for me.
I am a law abiding citizen that pays her tax what I chose to do legally for money is not your place to debate.
So what is it that you want to see happen Margaret, me made into a criminal or the gentlemen that come to see me? Do you want the industry pushed underground where it is even more dangerous and make woman that are not so vulnerable now even more so? I would be interested to hear. Out of sight out of mind does not make it go away.

That last statement gave me a bit of a chuckle thanks Margaret, I do not actually smoke, but it is nice to know what you think of people that do and your looking down your nose at people is not limited to prostitutes.

Are you denying that you are more likely to be raped than me?