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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

young, close relative has become an "escort" WWYD?

882 replies

notreallymehere · 06/01/2011 16:22

20 something low closeish relative has become an escort. She has been thinking about it for a while, tried it in London, stopped but now has gone back to it in her home town. She is with what appears to be reputable agency and seems to be making quite a lot of money. Lots of reviews now appearing on her webpage etc. She appears fully happy with her choice - she had a job before (working in a coffee bar) but says that the money is better with this (she has previously worked as a lap dancer). My question is what do I tell my friends/acquaintances if they ask about her. I've discussed this with some people when she first started in London and the reaction was very aggressive "well you should have stopped her" etc etc. (hence name change) Fact is that she is an adult and this is her choice and I cannot see how I can stop her - she is making a far bit of money at this and is very financially motivated. However she is part of the family and it is difficult to avoid the questions but many people are very judgemental (of me for somehow "allowing" this to happen).

OP posts:
SabrinaYork · 07/01/2011 10:19

Dittany
Why are we in 2011 and women are still having sex they don't want because they are less economically powerful than the men paying them? Something very wrong with this picture.-

You should be encouraging this distribution of wealth, I can assure you many of the men that come to see me are not as well off as I am.

AlienZombieMum · 07/01/2011 10:24

SGB, that is true with regards to the trafficking side of brothels, that keeping it a criminal offence will actually make it dangerous for the non-forced workers and push it further underground so it will be harder for the authorities to catch those who are forcing women to work as prostitutes.

Is it not a waste of police time and resources to criminalise people (or criminalise their customers therefore cutting off their income) for doing their chosen job?

Why not put the funds into catching traffickers?

Imagine if a hairdresser was prosecuted for sharing the premises which she held the lease for with another hairdresser? Insane stuff. Or that clients coming for a haircut were arrested on the spot and she lost her livelihood?

On the subject of agencies / parlour owners etc -

Theoretically all women could be independent prostitutes and do all the advertising / cleaning premises / phone answering etc themselves but believe me it is time-consuming! So some workers prefer to pay someone else a cut to take care of these thing for them That does not make the agency owners "evil", however I personally believe that a lot of these places do charge far too high a commission for the work they actually do for the girl.

dittany · 07/01/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SabrinaYork · 07/01/2011 10:48

The OP's relative does not sound sexually exploited or vulnerable to me, and neither am I.
Some would even say that woman take advantage of mens needs and exploit them, but that can be said out of the paid area also.

AlienZombieMum · 07/01/2011 10:55

Because they aren't traffickers when everybody believes it's a "job", they are employers and are upstanding members of the community contributing to the country's wealth (by selling women's bodies.

Yes they are - there is a very very clear line between an agency owner (the prostitutes are actually still self employed by the way) who takes a commission for reception, arranging bookings etc , and someone who FORCES women into the job against her will, after bringing her to the country with the promise of a 'better life'

It is blatantly not the same thing. If Sex Work were to be legalised then people would still see traffickers as wrong obviously.

AZM it sounds like you're pretty active in this area still

No I am not active still, although I do have friends who are.

There isn't any other job that require having your orifices penetrated by someone else's genitals

I wasn't talking about orifices being penetrated - actually I what I meant by disgusting bits are for example occasionally I would encounter a client who obviously had bad personal hygiene, so I made him take a shower. He did, but as I realise when he has taken his clothes off is that his idea of a shower is rudimentary and he did not wash properly, so I would have to explain to him I'm withholding most services based on that and he can either leave or have very reduced services and the atmosphere is bad all round.

And we haven't even started talking about the violence prostituted women are subject to yet

I wish you would stop using the term "prostituted women" - it is insulting to people like my friends who choose to to the job.

Yes there is occasionally violence - I will not deny that. However, the risk of violence happening or that violence being able to continue for longer than a few seconds is next to zero if there is security on the premises. Men cannot be violent in a proper regulated brothel - they will be thrown out in an instant, and blacklisted. I have witnessed this. Criminalising will increase the risk of violence.

I do believe that women should not go into prostitution believing it to be the stuff of Belle-du-jour fantasies (as many young women do), however I wish people would respect that it is shades of grey - not black and white, and respect women's choices and right to a voice about the job they do. I'm just being honest about my experiences, and my experience of knowing many many Sex-Workers from Street to Parlour to normal Escorts to so called "high class" (I hate that word) Escorts. Even webcam models, masseuses, strippers etc.

AlienZombieMum · 07/01/2011 10:57

in the first paragraph of the post above I meant "Yes they are still traffickers"

soggy14 · 07/01/2011 11:27

Re traffickers the logic just doesn't follow. Lets take vegetables (or cockles). People are trafficked and misled and killed in order to work in these industries in Britain but we still all buy the veg. Same for the clothing industry. The fact that an industry contains crooks who abuse people/traffick people etc etc does not make the industry in itself evil - it just means that better regulation and educatio is needed. By shoving the whole sex industry under the carpet we will never manage to get the education and regulation correct. Imagine arguing that a 20 year old shouldn't work in Tescos because of the dire conditions that some of their veg pickers work in.

dittany · 07/01/2011 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShdNoBetta · 07/01/2011 11:38

Nice argument soggy

Say working in Tesco's paid well, eg I could earn as much in a shift there as I could being a whore, I would STILL chose to be a whore.
The big difference is that I would work less hours to be able to give me time to pursue other interests.

AlienZombieMum · 07/01/2011 11:59

Yes I am still involved politically as I strongly believe that the politicians who support and vote for Criminalisation (of provider and/or client) have an agenda, do not listen to the needs of real women who work in the Sex Industry, and actually I believe they have blood on their hands for forcing women into more dangerous conditions (ie - the only 1 worker in 1 premises law). If the establishment (with security) that those women who were murdered on the streets of Bradford had worked in was not shut down because of stupid harmful laws then provided they continued there indoors where a few other people were always about and security procedures in place, then they probably would not be dead today.

I am involved politically in other things unrelated too.

I do not aim to paint a picture of "happy hookerdom" - It is a job with very good points and equally very bad points. For me when it started interfering in my relationship that is when I had to change. However, isn't that the same for lots of people? Their jobs are too stressful therefore their relationship suffers and so they make a change...

whatkatydidathome · 07/01/2011 12:01

"prostituted woman" implies that this has been done to a woman. Using the term reinforces the idea that she is powerless. If someone said to me "I am a prostituted woman" then I'd want to reply "no you are not, you are choosing this and if you feel that it has been done to you then you need to get out" rather than going along with the idea that the poor woman is choice-less.

dittany · 07/01/2011 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soggy14 · 07/01/2011 12:23

dittany no one has suggested that it is okay to buy a girl for sex. What I find most concerning here is that some people seem to refuse to believe that it is possible for a woman to make different choices and have different opinions to them but still know her own mind. Women are not as weak and feeble as they are portrayed. They can grow up and make desisions for themselves, they are not girls all their lives. They own their own bodies and should feel free to do what they like with them.

ShdNoBetta · 07/01/2011 12:25

Prostitutes also like to remain invisible, something to do with the stigma which is still there, when that changes then I am sure those that have nothing to lose will be happy to 'come out' on both sides.

Yes I do think it is ok for a man to buy a woman or girl for sex as long as she is happy to sell the sex to them.

ShdNoBetta · 07/01/2011 12:25

*Girl as in over the age of consent 18

TiggyD · 07/01/2011 13:32

I once chatted to a lady who said it was either a job as a 'masseur' or work in McDonalds. She chose the masseur job as it was less demeaning.

Why not get your friend to put an Ad in the Dadsnet forum?

jasper · 07/01/2011 13:41

I'm worried about a young relative who is going off to bible college for 4 years

dittany · 07/01/2011 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soggy14 · 07/01/2011 14:05

Dittany prisons are full of murderous, violent men but people still work in them (and women are left alone with convicted murderers in our understaffed prisons).

JessinAvalon · 07/01/2011 14:19

? But that man is not paying to own that woman's body for half an hour!

AlienZombieMum · 07/01/2011 14:20

Dittany - the thing is that criminalise all you like, but prostitution WILL NOT GO AWAY. It's like saying because drugs are illegal they won't exist.

So yes these laws DO make it more dangerous for women in prostitution as they have to work on their own so they do not get charged with "Brothel-Keeping" . Working on your own is a hell of a lot more dangerous than working with others , and even then security guard is preferable.

You cannot possibly dispute that working with others for security is far preferable to working alone in underground conditions? The risk of murder or sustained attack is little to none when there are security on the premises.

It is not going to stop, so why endanger more women?

Steve Wright is a murderer. Full Stop. If all women in prostitution worked together then would be close to zero women murdered as they would not get away with it in a staffed premises like they would in a secluded area far from anyone.

JessinAvalon · 07/01/2011 14:23

Bring on the Swedish model. The male sense of entitlement that comes from being able to buy women needs to stop.

soggy14 · 07/01/2011 14:29

JessinA punters with good agancys buy the right to do specific preagreed tasks with a woman, not to own their body.

soggy14 · 07/01/2011 14:32

It's like saying because drugs are illegal they won't exist. or that counterfit designer goods can't be openly bought on ebay or in markets across the country. If there is a market for something then it will be offered for sale.

AlienZombieMum · 07/01/2011 14:32

Oh yeah JA great idea to make it easier for murderers to kill Street Prostitutes!
I refer to my previous post on what happened when it was made illegal for men to purchase sex from street prostitutes - attacks in Edinburgh rose by over 50% (proper data).