young, close relative has become an "escort" WWYD?

[notreallymehere]

20 something low closeish relative has become an escort. She has been thinking about it for a while, tried it in London, stopped but now has gone back to it in her home town. She is with what appears to be reputable agency and seems to be making quite a lot of money. Lots of reviews now appearing on her webpage etc. She appears fully happy with her choice - she had a job before (working in a coffee bar) but says that the money is better with this (she has previously worked as a lap dancer). My question is what do I tell my friends/acquaintances if they ask about her. I've discussed this with some people when she first started in London and the reaction was very aggressive "well you should have stopped her" etc etc. (hence name change) Fact is that she is an adult and this is her choice and I cannot see how I can stop her - she is making a far bit of money at this and is very financially motivated. However she is part of the family and it is difficult to avoid the questions but many people are very judgemental (of me for somehow "allowing" this to happen).

in answer to the Op, why don't you just tell your friends the truth ie

" She's a sex worker. i don't have any problem with it, i think its a great way to make lots of money"

If it was my relative, i would say:

" she's a sex worker. I'm devastated and so worried about her, I've tried to persuade her to get out but she wont/cant. Why don't you talk to her about it?"

dittany Thu 06-Jan-11 22:53:06

Prostituted women don't earn that much money, particularly not in comparison to the men who are paying them.

I bet the men who are paying them wouldn't sell their arses for the same salary they are paying to the women they use.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 06-Jan-11 22:55:20

No, but I bet most of them would willingly hire out their penis @ £100 an hour. Many men dream of such opportunities.

That's where it started. I do think many men, (not all, not even most) and possibly most punters, (perhaps you could start a thread on punternet, dittany?) would happily have heterosexual sex for £100 an hour. That's not the same thing as renting their arses, but the OP's relative only does GFE, so she's not renting hers either.

She says so?

I'm speculating about their behaviour, dittany, not speaking for them.

At the end of the day, unless there is any evidence of the OPs relative being forced into prostitution then she has chosen to do this and her wishes need to be respected.
OP talk to her about it if you have concerns but other than that theres nothing you can do.

Very interesting discussion, thank you OP.
Escort canbe just a job, why not!
Shall we then add a twist to the sex ed lessons so that school leavers could have a profession??
Let's keep this option for the next tuition fees discussion..

Now I wonder, those of you "happy" for the girl's choice - would you suggest this work for your Dcs?

Just to be clear - there is no coercion - as I said she had a job (has had lots) which paid enough for a flat share and the usual things that 20 somethings have but not enough for designer clothing, going out every night etc etc. She tried escort work in London, left (primarily because she did nto like London) and came back to her home town, got another job waitressing and then went back into escort work as the pay was so much better and she said that she preferred it. How is she being coerced? She got herself photographer, sent them off to agencies and got herself listed by the one that she liked the look of best.

Dittany ...what will it take to get you to help your relative...

what would you do? How would you "help"? She is 20 something. She is a grown up.

I would actually wonder why the people pestering the OP to interfere in this young woman's life and try to prevent her from doing a job she has chosen to do, are not doing anything about it themselves if they are so anxious. Could it be because they know that actually they do not own this young woman and she has every right to tell them to piss off and leave her alone?

I fail to see why the woman is in need of help. She is doing something she chose to do. Just because others may not approve, it doesnt make her a bad person, nor does it mean she is being exploited.

I fail to see why the woman is in need of help

The reason she needs help is because at the moment it's all cash in hand, lots of money and maybe the men are usually pleasant, clean types.
At any moment that could change to getting the crap beaten out of her, not getting paid, getting robbed, getting raped or worse.
She is one client away from being abused or worse and the OP will have to live with the fact that she didn't help or tell people could have helped. I would tear the head of anyone who knew my daughter was doing that kind of job and didn't tell me so I could lock her in her room talk her out of it, especially if I found out after it was too late.
She is only 20 years old, she's no idea how she'll feel in 10 years time looking back on this period of her life, if she can block it out and move on from it though I'd be surprised.

mamatomany >the OP will have to live with the fact that she didn't help or tell people could have helped< sorry but you're living in cloud cookoo land if you think that there is anyone who can "help" - I'm using "" because I don't actually think that she does need "help" from from having come into contact with far younger girls (professionally) who do need help I know that unless the girl really wants to be helped then there is no one and even if they do want to be helped there is hardly anyone. Have you ever tried? Anyone who has ever tried to get anywhere with either SS for older teens (who wash their hands of them at 16) or the mental health services in this country (who don't want to know unless the girl will go to them herself or is bad enough to be sectioned and prostitution is not counted as a sectionable act) will know that there is no one.

If you're genuinely so naive about prostitution i suggest a bit of research? good book to start with would be Selling Olga by Louise Waugh, that sheds quite a bit of light on the sex trade. I seriously pray this woman comes out of it alive/ok, good luck to you both.

dittany women in my family have a reputation for being pretty strong willed actually :) and we are treated fine. Believe it or not I have talked to her, as have loads of others, and after talking to her a lot I realised that she really was choosing this and was also pretty well aware of the pros and cons. And yes I do occasionally go along with dh when I'm not that enthusiastic - same as he will give me a massage etc (and on ocasion have sex although that takes a bit more effort on my part :)) when he is not really up for it. Doing things for one another, even when when you don't feel like it, is part of what I see as a give and take relationship.

I am an ex-prostitute, and I can see both sides of the coin to be honest.

This may be a bit dis-jointed, but bear with me -

1)Firstly I will say that I believe in decriminalising Sex Work. It is legal in Britain ONLY if the Sex Worker works alone. There cannot be others on the premises or the lease holder gets prosecuted. ow is this safe for the women? It would be a hell of a lot more safe if women could work together for back-up. If you really believe in protecting women, you will support safety for them - Criminalising will not make the trade go away - simply drives it underground and more risky - I can give statistics to prove this.

2)I am not out to glamourise the industry at all, however I REFUSE TO TRY AND POLICE OR JUDGE WHAT SOMEONE OF LEGAL AGE CHOOSES TO DO AS WORK (and yes it is work - I saw it as work)

3)I am actually pretty romantic in nature when it comes to sex and so I only worked in the industry when I did not have a partner. When I met a partner, I stopped as I did find it hard to seperate the two - "real" sex and "work" sex, so my personal sex life suffered. I then went on to doing domination and webcam work where the clients were not allowed to touch me, so after a short time away from escorting I could enjoy sex with my partner again.

4)I have never been raped or abused in my life. I began Sex Work when I was 21 and already a mother studying for a degree.

5)Escorts do not make "shedloads" of money - you would have to work extremely hard to attain the figures which are always bandied about. Some women do it (like I did) as they prefer to work less hours and flexible times for better money and they are savvy enough to minimize the risks (a lot of other jobs have risks too)

6. If someone has a strong sense of self and strong sense of self-awareness and are grounded then I do NOT think working in the sex industry will change them for the worse, although it does change your view of men and how often they are really faithful.

I'm just being honest and giving my perspective from someone who really knows personally and has seen most aspects first-hand. There are pros and there are cons. There are good bits and admittedly there are disgusting bits involved, although this idea that a prostitute does not have a choice who she sees (unless she is trafficked, in which case those responsible should be caught). The prostitute can leave at any time, yes she will lose the money but there are more clients, and other jobs / benefits system . No women will actually starve and be homeless because she turned down one idiot. There are procedures, screening, protocol followed by both provider and client. A lot of women have strict rules do's/don'ts etc. If a potential client (or even one mid-booking) breaks them - he is outta there. However I am aware that for women working on the street to feed a drug habit perhaps they do not have that luxury as they are desperate for the money. But then the problem is drugs.

I'm just illustrating that most things (Prostitution included) are not Black OR White, but can be shades of gray too.

To the OP, I would just say something vague like others have advised. It's none of their business and your relative doesn't seem particularly secretive about it so will probably let on in her own time.

Thank you for that very insightful post AZM. You are very brave for posting so honestly.

Dittany, I was trying to show both sides of Sex Work - You have taken only the negative points of my post and elaborated .

A prostitute is not a "prostituted person" unless he/she is forced or coerced into doing so. Most Sex Workers would find that term insulting since it implies we cannot make choices for ourselves.

Ahh, the Swedish Model. The Swedish Model (criminalising clients) does not work and makes women unsafe, and here is some backing as to why it is unsafe -

in 2007 the new kerb-crawling legislation came into force in Britain.
Previous to this when the clients of Street Prostitutes were not criminalised, then Sex Workers would make a 'safety check' on the car and punter (they were taught how to do so by street liason team) - this involves making a full 360 check of the car to make sure no others were in the vehicle hiding, taking down the make, model and registration plate and texting it to a friend in full view of the client. Now this would deter a lot of punters intending on causing trouble.
After the new "Swedish-Model" type law for kerb-crawling was passed, the prostitutes now have to jump into the car as quick as they can or the punter will get nervous about being arrested and drive away.

Here is an example -

In Edinburgh when Tolerance Zones were abolished, attacks on prostitutes went up by 50% in one year. This is a fact. As worker had to go with clients to more secluded areas to avoid detection.

I am NOT here to glamourise the industry, however it is my belief that the people who enforce these unsafe laws have blood on their hands.

It is well known that 2 of the women (street prostitutes) killed in Bradford were on the street because the premises they worked from (together with security) had been shut down.

Driving prostitution for provider or client) will not make it go away, it will just drive it underground and make it more dangerous.

Thanks for your posting AZM: this is the sort of thing that I also hear from friends in the sex industry. While a 'brothel' may mean a place where trafficking victims are held prisoner (which should of course be shut down) the definition is also used in a way that is dangerous to sex workers, because prohibiting 'brothels' means sex workers are forbidden to share premises ie work together so they can look out for one another.
As to 'making money off people's bodies' any employer who employs people to do physical work of any kind is making money from their bodies, just as anyone who employs people to do non-manual work is making money off their brains.

WRT to the OP's relative, while other people may express their disapproval of what she is doing she is an adult human being. Do those of you who are so very opposed to all sex work really think that other people are justified in forcing this girl to quit the industry by, perhaps, locking her in a room or threatening her, or publicly shaming her by telling everyone else how she earns her money? How is that respecting the dignity of a human being?

I agree with you however that for me , I am not speaking for every sex worker here, but for me no having sex for money was not enjoyable. It was most often neutral if I'm honest - It just felt like washing the dishes or something which doesn't disgust you in any way but is 'work' nonetheless. Yes, there were some times where I did feel repulsed, but not by the act itself just by the client's odour or way he spoke about his wife or something. It is hard to be "nicey-nicey" to someone who you do think is twat but has not done anything bad enough to warrant you throwing him out. However you can (and I did at times) terminate the appointment at any time, especially if you are an independent prostitute (yes my self-employment details actually stated this as occupation) and especially if you have security - almost impossible with the daft 'proceeds of crime' laws.

I do agree that personally I can only enjoy sex with someone I trust, respect and really really like. It's just how I'm wired I guess. But that does not mean I cannot perform it as a service where most of the time I honestly felt neutral towards it (and still do). It was fully a choice I made as to me the benefits (less work, more pay, more free time to study for my planned and chosen career outside of the sex industry) did outweigh the risks.I only stopped because of the effect it had on my sex life with my partner when 'Sex' and 'Work' was running concurrently. Also although he did not try to control what I did with my life beyond that I would always use protection (which I did anyway), I sensed he did not feel happy with it and that it may cause problems for us in the future, so I switched to another form of Sex Work and we did live happily for another 5 years (this was a decade ago btw). I would do it again if I were single and and with very strict boundaries re- security, screening etc.

Dittany - which study did you get the PTSD statistics from? I seem to remember it was maybe from research done by a Melissa Farley?

Yes there are disgusting bits involved, but there are disgusting bits in many jobs. I do think that someone has to be a very strong-willed and switched-on person would a healthy sense of self to come out unscathed from the industry (and I personally know many who are fine with it), however we cannot take away the choices of those who do choose, denying them a voice about their own work and make it unsafe for all.

I am massively in favour of legalising sex work. Until then, it is dangerous for women, and dreadful that they have to work alone. There should be safe houses where they take their clients where they can be monitored and their wellbeing ensured.

It is patronising to assume that they are all being exploited and coerced. Make it a proper choice for women; that would be empowering.