to be feeling a bit let down by my friend?

[dipitydoyou]

literally a few weeks ago my friend announced she was getting married the week after Christmas. Was oviously very happy for her (but was secretly also thinking oh S* thats going to be expensive right after christmas!)She initally said we would be welcome to bring along our dd and said several times it 'was up to us'.

We decided however to ask my Mum to have dd to give us a well deserved day together(due to dh job its been months since we've had any 'us' time) and she agreed.
Morning of wedding my Mum rings in tears saying she is really ill with flu, she was worried about it being swine flu etc and sorry but she couldnt have dd. Obviously was v short notice but these things happen and she is so good normally and never lets us down.

Text my friend (which I felt awful about on her wedding morning but didnt want to just show up with dd) and wanted to let her know situation: Said we'd have to bring dd along was that ok? and we simply got a 'no, sorry no children at wedding' x.
Was a bit ??? Replied that obviously we have no one else to have dd at such short notice (we truly didnt) and if that was the case i'd have to come alone and was told 'fine we'll contact the reserve list' .

To cut a long story short, went to wedding alone, sat alone as didnt know many of the other guests, and to add insult to injury there were several children including a baby. Felt pretty miserable and even had a little cry in the loos

Went home just after first dance and havent heard from friend since, not even a thankyou for the present we gave.
As a mum I was gutted that my litle one was so obviously left out. I cant think its because she thinks my dd would play up as we've all been to weddings together before...some of my Mummy friends think I shouldnt have gone after she refused to have my dd there. What do you all think?

[Ladyofthehousespeaking]

I probably wouldn't have gone. Buuut you at least made the effort, I would write her off completely..
Yanbu at all

[paddyclamp]

you don't need enemies when you have friends like her..YANBU

[miniwedge]

I think it's pretty off that she said no children allowed when you turned up to find that actually they were.

I think that asking for an extra guest last minute would be a reasonable reason for a "sorry, no can do" , but telling a fib is quite hurtful IMHO.

So, all in all, yanbu to be hurt but you would be unreasonable to have refused to go because your dd couldnt. You had said she wasn't going, your friend planned her guest list, tables etc around who she knew was coming. Your "mummy friends" are being a bit precious on that count I think.

[Grumpla]

YANBU.

Invoice her for the present!

[bettiboo]

I think that was really inconsiderate of your friend. I'm always keen to hear the other person's perspective, it might be useful to speak with her and hear what she has to say. It really wasn't a very nice thing to do. I think you were right to go and leave early. You may need to reevaluate your friendship with her. You sound like a lovely lady. :)

[Merrylegs]

She seriously had a reserve list? On the morning of the wedding? That is probably the most bizarre thing I have ever heard. Keep well clear. She sounds like a loon.

[SkyBluePearl]

you only asked if they could come on the morning of the wedding for goodness sake. I think babies bypass the no children rule often due to breast feeding. The other kids could have been relatives so also bypass no kids rule. She was a bit factual with you but then it was her wedding morning and she was probably rushing around stressed.

[Earlybird]

Could the other parents have brought their dc without asking, or do you think it was the 'last minute' issue that was the problem?

TBH, if I were the bride, I wouldn't want to be dealing with 'my sitter has let me down so what can I do now' texts on my wedding day when I was trying to get ready, and food/seating/logistics etc had already been arranged. But, I don't have an alternative suggestion for what you could have done instead.

Perhaps just one of those things?

[suzikettles]

lol at the Reserve List

I'm imagining some Great Aunt Margery dusting off her hat and clicking her heels with glee as she phones for the taxi.

[atswimtwolengths]

Imagine trying to explain to the reserve list why they weren't on the original list.

[dipitydoyou]

bettiboo ahh thanks and thanks everyone for your replies.

Miniwedge: your right it was last minute and she was entitled to say no sorry. It was the fact that there were several other children there and being told in the text 'no sorry no children' that I found v odd. Plus I think as one of my oldest friends Ijust wished she'd have been a bit more understanding maybe? oh well.

Merrylegs: I know! hubby couldnt believe it!to be fair you'd be gutted if you found out you were on the reserve list wouldnt you?

[lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs]

I wouldn't have texted because she said it was fine earlier, but she sounds like a bridezilla to me

[spidookly]

I dealt with all sorts of last minute changes at my wedding, including "can your 16 year old cousin bring a friend, she doesn't want to come on her own?" and seeing another cousin I had been told wasn't coming sitting at a table eating his dinner :o

you host a big event, you deal with your guests being human

she should have accommodated your daughter, it wouldn't have been hard.

When you are an inconsiderate host, you hurt people's feelings and may lose them as friends.

If she had a "reserve list", and time to contact people off it to invite them in your DH's stead, making arrangements for your DD would have been no trouble.

The reserve list makes her sound like a maniac, btw.

[meantosay]

She sounds awful. I'd lose her as a friend. Life's too short.

[compo]

I think you were wrong to text her on her wedding day
you don't expect a thank you so soon
she is entitled to have family children there
it was your drama your mum being ill , not hers , to sort out
sorry but I think you were ott

[compo]

And if she had said yes to your dd at the last minute the other guests who left their dcs at home would have been put out
your dd would have been another mouth to feed on the morning of her wedding to sort that out? Really?

[HowToLookGoodGlaikit]

Did you have a look round wondering who the "reserve" guest was? i would have

[HowToLookGoodGlaikit]

Plus, Id drop her as a friend.

[Rindercella]

How old is your DD?

Unfortuantely, some people use their wedding day as an excuse to act like a twat. I think it was really uncharitable of her not to have welcomed your DD whatever her age especially as she had said previously that she would be welcome. On our wedding day we had an emergency call from one of our guests to say that his 14 year old son had arrived unexpectedly and would it be possible for him to come. Of course it was - we would not have done without our friend & his partner there and so of course we made room for his son too. We had a small reception - think we had 45-50 people, but managed to sqeeze him in.

As for not thanking you for the present - it is very soon after her wedding if she only got married the week after Christmas (last week?!), so perhaps she is still away or hasn't quite gotten around to it after all the madness of Christmas, wedding & New Year?

Oh and double for calling on a 'reserve' list on the very morning of the wedding!!

[meantosay]

What kind of person would accept a wedding invitation on the day of the wedding??

[dipitydoyou]

compo sorry I didnt clarify which children were family children: to clear that up 3 were, 4 were not.

My dear old Gran and Grandad sent a card and small present and have recieved a thank you note but we as yet, have not (as I said she is a very old friend)
Agreed it was my problem re babysitter not hers.

In fairmnss though I simply asked if we could bring dd along as she was originally invited. We'd have covered any additional costs ourselves. But maybe I should have made that clearer
oh well...Thanks for everyones comments though

[dipitydoyou]

*fairness

[bumpsoon]

I wouldnt have bothered asking her if i could bring your dd ,i would of just taken her ,sat her on your knee ,shared yours and DH's food with her and enjoyed the day .
Are you sure you werent on the reserve list ,given how little notice you got about the wedding in the first place ?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Reserve list?

[dipitydoyou]

bumpsoon haha no, they got engaged on her b/day we all got a text, and then as soon as they got engaged they started looking at venues. They found a cancellation and went for it! It did mean 2 of our mutual friends couldn't attend as they were away for xmas but there we go.

Thats exactly what we were prepared to do though, DD is 3 and would of happily sat on our knee, shared food: or we'd have bought food at the restaurant the reception was held in and incurred the cost ourselves.


It was her day though and I appreciate that I just keep thinking when we got married we had last minute hiccups too, im sure everone does but we tried as best we could to sort it as we wanted those people to be a part of our special day (awkward as they were)!!

whereyouleftit yup a reserve list