to be feeling a bit let down by my friend?

[dipitydoyou]

literally a few weeks ago my friend announced she was getting married the week after Christmas. Was oviously very happy for her (but was secretly also thinking oh S* thats going to be expensive right after christmas!)She initally said we would be welcome to bring along our dd and said several times it 'was up to us'.

We decided however to ask my Mum to have dd to give us a well deserved day together(due to dh job its been months since we've had any 'us' time) and she agreed.
Morning of wedding my Mum rings in tears saying she is really ill with flu, she was worried about it being swine flu etc and sorry but she couldnt have dd. Obviously was v short notice but these things happen and she is so good normally and never lets us down.

Text my friend (which I felt awful about on her wedding morning but didnt want to just show up with dd) and wanted to let her know situation: Said we'd have to bring dd along was that ok? and we simply got a 'no, sorry no children at wedding' x.
Was a bit ??? Replied that obviously we have no one else to have dd at such short notice (we truly didnt) and if that was the case i'd have to come alone and was told 'fine we'll contact the reserve list' .

To cut a long story short, went to wedding alone, sat alone as didnt know many of the other guests, and to add insult to injury there were several children including a baby. Felt pretty miserable and even had a little cry in the loos

Went home just after first dance and havent heard from friend since, not even a thankyou for the present we gave.
As a mum I was gutted that my litle one was so obviously left out. I cant think its because she thinks my dd would play up as we've all been to weddings together before...some of my Mummy friends think I shouldnt have gone after she refused to have my dd there. What do you all think?

[Actuallawyer]

I went to a wedding in the summer where evening guests were upgraded (two nights before) to daytime after some last minute cancellations.

I think it would be rude just turn up with your daughter. I can see that it might have been difficult for her to come up with a convincing excuse for refusing on the morning of the wedding. Perhaps she thought you'd be able to sort out some other childcare so didn't want the fuss of adding an extra seat at such short notice?

You may still get a thank you. People don't necessarily write them all and then post them together.

[rupert1]

That certainly must have knocked the wind out of you with her reply about your child.Looking back its difficult at the time to think quick enough about wether to still atend as you did, what a waste of your life not enjoying it there.Your so called friend is a very nasty creature,drop her from your friends list dont ever bother or feel you have to tell her why,she is a hertfull beast,it was her day but what is this sorry no children thing who does she think she is.

[scottishmummy]

i find such behaviour astonishing.obnoxious and self centred

"reserve list" how icky is that!

[anonymosity]

I'm sorry but the wedding is about HER not you and your DD and your various arrangements. YABVVVVU

[scottishmummy]

its that me-me-me that typifes selfish weddings

[scottishmummy]

any bride thinking wedding is "about HER" is deluded and selfish.is supposed to be warm and encompassing ceremonial and legal.not just a me me princess having her princess day. friends,loved ones and children all there as wanted guests not fake paparazzi to oooh and ahhh at bride and her day

and in case any one forgets a bride needs a groom for their day

[anonymosity]

no I don't think she was me me meI think the guest was me me me. I think the bride should be left alone on the morning not texted about someone's arrangements. What if EVERY guest had texted her "where can I leave my coat" "will there be toilets" blah blah blah. Arses. You get invited to a wedding you know the terms, you turn up.

[scottishmummy]

no you are off at daft tangent.the deal is guests dont have to turn up for any feetie stampie me me princess

and if calls received about coats etc bride can delegate to a pal to answer.god forbid the princess bride be disturbed applying her slap

[FrozenChocolate]

At least you got an invite :(

But I agree, not a good experience for you.

[spidookly]

Agree scottish, anyone (over the age if 2) who needs a day all about themselves has some kind of psychological deficiency.

Your wedding is about you (both) and all of your guests. All the nicest weddings are the ones where the bride and groom are kind and thoughtful, nit the ones where they are self-obsessed and egotistical.

Agree with Rinder too - it is not that hard to accommodate changes like these at the last minute if you care to.

[babeinthewood]

Personally I wouldn't have text her I'd have just turned up with DD like the others said...not like she'd have kicked you out for a gatecrashing 3YO now is it?!?! especially when she said you could bring her originally.

reserve list????? I think inviting evening guests to the daytime later on is fine but ON THE DAY??? WTF????

I went to a wedding last week and havent had a thank-you yet, but then I havent thought about it really either, but then I did pre-order the gift 6 months ago!

I dont get child-less weddings....kids just add that bit more to weddings, each to their own I guess.

[K12Mom]

YANBU to expect her to accommodate your daughter. I felt really sorry for you when I read that you had sat there at the wedding all on your own. That's awful.

However, I think YABU to expect a Thank You note so soon.

But overall, she sounds like a ghastly woman. I would be seriously considering whether I would want to keep her as a friend, if I were you.

[MummieHunnie]

As she had already invited your dd, I think she was bu for then uninviting her.

I think yabu for expecting a thank you so soon.

I would hear her side of things before making a final decision on remaining friends.

[HappySkiingGardeningNewYear]

YANBU. It was very inconsiderate of her to behave like that with regard to your DD. I don't care if she was having her hair done by the Queen at that point, basic consideration of your guests is completely essential. She was extremely rude.

On the other hand, thank you notes take time so give it a few more weeks on that score.

[dipitydoyou]

anonymosity To be fair at no point did I ever feel the wedding was about me and dd.
I simply text her (which I explained I felt awful about) to inform her we had a last minute problem, come on these things do happen with kids, and wanted to give her a heads up that we were now bringing dd. Only to be told erm no now you cant.
Agreed having people text you on the wedding morning is stressful and annoying. I had it too but I wanted to share my special day with all the friends and family I loved so I sorted these problems out.
I remembr thinking right Uncle Ted want's to bring Aunty Mel's sister too as she's her from spain? ahh go on then she'll sit somewhere im getting married today whoo hoo!!! I dont think the wedding is ever about just the bride and groom really is it? should it be yes, but it rarely is especially not with big families.

I think im more hurt because she is a v old friend, held my hand at my dads funeral, held hers through a nasty breakup etc we've been through everything together since primary but maybe people do drift apart. My life proably seems quite boring nowadays.
madamdeathstare noo no honeymoon was told by a mutual friend she wasnt happy I left early.

Thanks all

[RockLover]

I'm sorry, but I don't understand all this crap about the bride having a right to be a selfish cow on HER day.

Weddings are not all BRIDE, BRIDE, BRIDE, if the couple don't want to cater for lots of people (when last minute problems will always crop up), then have a smaller wedding. Also the fact that it was very short notice for all the guests meant she should have expected hiccups to occur.

At a wedding you are not just organising things for yourself, you invite friends and family to celebrate with you and as such you cater for them and want them to be happy and have a lovely day.

OP YANBU, your mate evidently went a bit bridezilla on her "special" day. Leave it a few weeks for the thank you note to arrive, but after that I think I would be distancing myself from that particular friendship, it sounds like she showed her true colours.

[madonnawhore]

Why are you even friends with this person? Has she always been so vile?

[saffy85]

I wouldn't have gone myself. Weddings and indeed all social occasions are only fun when you know other people well enough to have a few drinks and take the piss out the bride's bridezillaness

Have to say I too am at a friggin' reserve list!

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

In response to OP, I wouldn't have gone.

'Fine we'll contact the reserve list' - bloody charming!
Shame she didn't really, would have done you a favour IMO.

[saffy85]

And if it is the norm to have a reserve list, it seems a bit tacky to tell people that the list exists.

[BuzzLightBeer]

sure the weddings all about the bride and what she wants, as lomg as she wants fewer freinds after the wedding.

I wouldn't contact her, and I would be waiting (I expect in vain) for an apology.

[PigValentine]

I remember getting a phone call from one of my best and loveliest friends as I was leaving to go to my wedding because she needed directions, and to my shame, being a bit short with her, just because I was all over the place! I apologised as soon as I saw her at the wedding, I was so ashamed of myself, so I can understand why she might have been a bit snippy, but overall YANBU to be upset. And I can't stand the whole "it's the bride's day" thing - people spend money and time to share it with you, their presence is the privelige, not the other way around.

[JaneS]

She doesn't sound that nice, I grant.

But, you say you didn't know many other guests. So I'm guessing you're not a hugely close friend. She got a random text while she was probably fairly busy. She sent back a generic response, probably forgetting she'd originally said your DD could come, and just remembering she'd sorted out numbers.

To me that text sounds like a terse clarification, not very polite, but not something you'd say if you remembered having invited someone's DD.

Is it possible you're overreacting and she simply doesn't remember the details of your situation?