to be feeling a bit let down by my friend?

[dipitydoyou]

literally a few weeks ago my friend announced she was getting married the week after Christmas. Was oviously very happy for her (but was secretly also thinking oh S* thats going to be expensive right after christmas!)She initally said we would be welcome to bring along our dd and said several times it 'was up to us'.

We decided however to ask my Mum to have dd to give us a well deserved day together(due to dh job its been months since we've had any 'us' time) and she agreed.
Morning of wedding my Mum rings in tears saying she is really ill with flu, she was worried about it being swine flu etc and sorry but she couldnt have dd. Obviously was v short notice but these things happen and she is so good normally and never lets us down.

Text my friend (which I felt awful about on her wedding morning but didnt want to just show up with dd) and wanted to let her know situation: Said we'd have to bring dd along was that ok? and we simply got a 'no, sorry no children at wedding' x.
Was a bit ??? Replied that obviously we have no one else to have dd at such short notice (we truly didnt) and if that was the case i'd have to come alone and was told 'fine we'll contact the reserve list' .

To cut a long story short, went to wedding alone, sat alone as didnt know many of the other guests, and to add insult to injury there were several children including a baby. Felt pretty miserable and even had a little cry in the loos

Went home just after first dance and havent heard from friend since, not even a thankyou for the present we gave.
As a mum I was gutted that my litle one was so obviously left out. I cant think its because she thinks my dd would play up as we've all been to weddings together before...some of my Mummy friends think I shouldnt have gone after she refused to have my dd there. What do you all think?

[Pancakeflipper]

My DP and I were on the reserve list for a wedding once. And a few weeks prior to the event of the century (in the Brides eyes) we were promoted to being full paid up members of the bridal party.

We stood centre stage on the group photo just so everyone knew we'd made it.

I must get a thinner skin as I wasn't at all offended.

I'd put this all down to Bridal Day trauma. See how she behaves when all calms down.

[curlymama]

Thanks Dipity, I just wanted to put across the point that she was really not snubbing your dd. I'm quite shocked at how many people are saying she was being horrible tbh.

FWIW, I was a chilled as it is possible to be on the build up and on the day to my wedding and I bent over backwards to make sure my guests had the best possible day, but I would have been a bit stressed at that situation happening on the day because while I wouldn't want to upset you, I would also not have wanted to have your dd there and be excluded from what the other children were getting.

This is definately not worth falling out with your friend over.

To those of you that say the Bride WBU, would you expect to acommodate a guest that that already declined your invite on the day of your wedding?

[dipitydoyou]

I did attend her wedding, and I wouldn't have wanted her to waste her money at all so I am glad she managed to fill my husbands space.

[dipitydoyou]

curlymama.thats fair thanks for your post.
It sounds like you put in a lot of effort for the children at your wedding and it sounds lovely.

[curlymama]

Also, she may have mentioned a reserve list so that you didn't feel so bad about not being able to attend her wedding at such short notice, thereby wasting her money.

[curlymama]

Haven't read all the replies yet, but YABU. Your child wasn't excluded at all! She told you you were welcome to bring your child, but you declined. So she planned for that.

Children were most welcome at my wedding but if I'd found out on the wedding day that I was expected to acommodate one more I'd have said no. Because I had already done a table plan and nobody else could be fitted in or moved without some serious effort. I had paid for a set number of children. I had organised party boxes for them and would not want any other children to feel that had to share things that had been chosen specifically for them, nor would I want one child there to feel left out. I'd bought disposable cameras for the children to take pictures in the evening, but only enough for the children that I knew were coming.

And the reserve list could be as simle as calling someone from work that you generally get on well with, but haven't invited because if you and your DF both invited people from work you could end up with an extra 20 people.

[wolfhound]

good idea re: getting in touch and meeting up, a glass of wine should help one way or the other. hope it all works out :)

[dipitydoyou]

wolfhound hmmm good question although i'm pretty sure it was her who replied. Her Mum spoke to me outside when we were having pics and said ' x (friend) told me x (dh)couldnt come what a shame'. I explained what had happened and she said 'oh well x is coming now instead so dont worry' ahhh the trusty reserve list. I did see her a couple of times but she looked so happy and busy I didnt want to bring it up again. Maybe I should have?
I think quietly getting myself worked up about it all isn't helping, she's so far ignored my xmas and new yr test which isnt like her tbh. I think i'm going to text as soon as our friend is back from her hols and arrange a meet up things will hopefully be resolved over some wine....or erm get suitably worse!

[LouCracker]

OP - YANBU, your friend sounds like a complete pita.

Ninky - your not alone. My Dad collapsed and was rushed to hospital in July. We were on our way to the church for my friends wedding when brother called and we rushed to the hospital. Not only did my friend phone me after the service to see how my Dad was but she popped round with flowers the next day

[JaneS]

Just you Ninky, just you.

No, not really, I bet loads of people are and it sounds lovely. I was very happy and relaxed just as long as I knew my parents were safely on the other side of town ... after that, not so much!

But I did get over 30 texts (my phone only holds 30) in the last hour before the service, and they were all very polite and ok, but if I'd got the OP's text I would probably not have remembered exactly her situation and quite possibly wouldn't even have grasped what she was saying. Sorry. If that makes me a huge bridezilla so be it.

[dipitydoyou]

danceinthedark If you read my op then you'll know that I didn't threaten her by saying I wouldnt be attending? I simply said if dd couldnt come along then i'd be attending alone as husband would have to stay to look after her.

littlereddragon not as close as we once were certainly, although have shared a lot in the past. A group of us have been friends since primary school and we all meet up (granted not as much for me since dd arrived)
Our other mutual 2 friends couldnt come to wedding due to it being fairly short notice, 1 was on holiday that had been planned for months and the other was at pil for xmas.
I knew her immeidiate family but obviously they were sat elsewhere for ceremony and meal.

Thanks everyone for all your comments will probably leave the dust to settle for a while and see what happens....

[NinkyNonker]

Am I the only person who was really chilled on the morning of her wedding? Fat cooked brekkie with family and anyone else around at hotel followed by long bath and hairdresser. Then an hour or so of wandering with friends,greeting people staying at hotel, drinking champagne, sneaking the odd sneaky cigarette found the back (those were the days), telling florist where to put stuff before back up to suite to put make up and dress on with more champagne before leaving to get to church at 12 noon. Awesome morning! I'd have had more than enough time to reply to texts fully (even call a good friend back ) and sort out last minute issues with no stress. In fact I had to sort a last minute guest after the ceremony en route to hotel but that is another story.

Is that so unusual? I hear tales of stress stress stress, rush rush rush and wonder what I had forgotten?

[TheBolter]

TBH, I think there are a lot of overanalysed responses on here!

Your 'friend' sounds like a pain in the arse. Drop her and move on. If there were other children there, her response was ridiculous, not to mention badly thought out. It would have been no bother to have replied (or got one her minions to) saying, 'that's fine but numbers limited. Would you mind if she comes instead of (your dh)? x'

[wolfhound]

Just a thought - was it definitely your friend who sent the text saying your DD couldn't come? She might have handed her phone over to another family member/bridesmaid to deal with calls (esp if she was getting a lot). They wouldn't have known that your DD was originally invited, and given a standard response. Your friend might not even have been told about the call, if it was all quite chaotic and busy. She might have noticed your DH not there, and been surprised he didn't come. Just think it's worth having a word directly with your friend. Maybe call her and say, I really hope you didn't feel harassed when I texted to say about DD... It may turn out that it is all a series of misunderstandings. And if not, it gives you both a chance to clear it up. I think jumping to conclusions about what she thinks you think etc. is often misleading. Hope you sort things out.

[DanceInTheDark]

She may have meant that no other children could be catered for...as in no extra childs meal could be produced as if by magic.

You reply sounded a bit threatening tbh....if i can't bring my DD then i can't come.... yep...that's exactly what i would want to hear whilst getting ready for the biggest day of my life! {sarcastic}

[MrsFruitcake]

Arranging a wedding sends even the most level-headed, nice and polite women a bit toxic - FACT!

[JaneS]

She doesn't sound that nice, I grant.

But, you say you didn't know many other guests. So I'm guessing you're not a hugely close friend. She got a random text while she was probably fairly busy. She sent back a generic response, probably forgetting she'd originally said your DD could come, and just remembering she'd sorted out numbers.

To me that text sounds like a terse clarification, not very polite, but not something you'd say if you remembered having invited someone's DD.

Is it possible you're overreacting and she simply doesn't remember the details of your situation?

[PigValentine]

I remember getting a phone call from one of my best and loveliest friends as I was leaving to go to my wedding because she needed directions, and to my shame, being a bit short with her, just because I was all over the place! I apologised as soon as I saw her at the wedding, I was so ashamed of myself, so I can understand why she might have been a bit snippy, but overall YANBU to be upset. And I can't stand the whole "it's the bride's day" thing - people spend money and time to share it with you, their presence is the privelige, not the other way around.

[BuzzLightBeer]

sure the weddings all about the bride and what she wants, as lomg as she wants fewer freinds after the wedding.

I wouldn't contact her, and I would be waiting (I expect in vain) for an apology.

[saffy85]

And if it is the norm to have a reserve list, it seems a bit tacky to tell people that the list exists.

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

In response to OP, I wouldn't have gone.

'Fine we'll contact the reserve list' - bloody charming!
Shame she didn't really, would have done you a favour IMO.

[saffy85]

I wouldn't have gone myself. Weddings and indeed all social occasions are only fun when you know other people well enough to have a few drinks and take the piss out the bride's bridezillaness

Have to say I too am at a friggin' reserve list!

[madonnawhore]

Why are you even friends with this person? Has she always been so vile?

[RockLover]

I'm sorry, but I don't understand all this crap about the bride having a right to be a selfish cow on HER day.

Weddings are not all BRIDE, BRIDE, BRIDE, if the couple don't want to cater for lots of people (when last minute problems will always crop up), then have a smaller wedding. Also the fact that it was very short notice for all the guests meant she should have expected hiccups to occur.

At a wedding you are not just organising things for yourself, you invite friends and family to celebrate with you and as such you cater for them and want them to be happy and have a lovely day.

OP YANBU, your mate evidently went a bit bridezilla on her "special" day. Leave it a few weeks for the thank you note to arrive, but after that I think I would be distancing myself from that particular friendship, it sounds like she showed her true colours.