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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not say sorry & get on with my xmas?

173 replies

ellesbelles79 · 25/12/2010 16:40

hi all - sorry bit long...

I had a bit of a lie in this morning as was up half the night prepping food, cleaning etc.

OH gets up at 1230 and immediately asks where his xmas dinner is.

We open pressies (its just me & him today as its his only day off).

I get some perfume & baby clothes for our baby boy due in Feb.

He gets several gifts from me, with his main present being an i-phone 4 which i know he really wanted.

While I cook I leave him to set up his new toy...but he cant even put the sim card in so I help sort that out. Then he goes online to register the sim etc..but if asks for a serial number which he cant find. He immediately blames me, saying that I lost the details and becomes very impatient & agressive.

I look high and low but cant find this thing so suggest he rings t-mobile. He asks me to ring instead and while dialling he continuously goes on that I must have lost it etc, its my fault. blah blah blah

I tell him to stop with the attitude and he practically throws i-phone and packaging at me, storms out of the room with his laptop and goes into the bedroom. He has been there ever since, and has refused to eat the xmas dinner that I've made.

I feel like he is so ungrateful and out of order!!

A few mins ago I found the serial number he needed, right by where he was sitting. He clearly flung it to the side when he was initially trying to sort out the sim card etc. I havent told him that I've found it - he isnt speaking to me right now anyway.

It has taken me ages to cook dinner (as I've been sobbing my eyes out all afternoon)....but just feel like I will know eat my xmas dinner & dessert...and get on with xmas day, leaving him to carry on sulking in the bedroom.

AIBU?

I dont feel like I should have to go in there saying sorry for anything...as he has created such a drama over what is essentially nothing. Im so dissapointed and hurt by his behaviour tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellesbelles79 · 31/12/2010 17:51

Ok yes I guess you are probably right - who knows how he'll react when he comes back drunk to find all his stuff outside.

When he gets back from having his hair cut I will hand him his bags then & ask him to leave. I dont think he'll kick off with me though as he knows if I make one phonecall to my dad he will be in big trouble. He is a bit scared of my father tbh.

He will prob shout etc but no more than that when he's sober.

pooka I think the maxi cosi fits the bugaboo bee....from what I recall. OH has not taken anything into consideration other than finding the cheapest car seat he could find on ebay.

Selfish git

OP posts:
Original poster
ellesbelles79 · 31/12/2010 17:53

Thanks so much mavis - I cant let him get away with it and every time I think about how little help he has been during this pregnancy, all the tantrums he's thrown, all the tears I've cried...I know Im doing whats right for me and dc.

DC doesnt deserve this and if OH doesnt want to help financially etc then he can go and CSA can deal with him on my behalf!

OP posts:
MavisGrind · 31/12/2010 17:54

Can you get your dad there anyway (hide him in a bedroom if needs be?). If I've learned anything on MN it's that this is the time the unexpected violence can kick off (and even if you're 100% certain this won't happen, better to be safe than sorry?)

Best of luck and Happy New Year!

MavisGrind · 31/12/2010 17:56

Elles - I'm a LP to 2 DC myself so know the prospect is scary. However what is more scary is living the rest of your life with a selfish twunt!

Original poster
ellesbelles79 · 31/12/2010 17:57

yes my dad has just said he will come round later or he can pick me up and I can stay over with my folks tonight just in case.

I will start 2011 in a positive way and without this prat weighing me down.

Im going to treat myself to half a glass of vino come midnight... Smile

OP posts:
PhishFoodAddiction · 31/12/2010 17:58

Just Shock at this so-called man's behaviour. I've never heard anything like it.

Good on you OP for getting rid of him.

Best wishes for the New Year and good luck with your baby.

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid · 31/12/2010 18:01

ellesbelles I read this thread when you first posted it, and thought your P sounded like a bit of a dick. I hoped that the tantrums were caused by baby nerves and that he would come to his senses and see how pathetic and unacceptable his behaviour was.

I very rarely jump on the 'he's a cock, your relationship is awful, leave him immediately' MN bandwagon from just a snapshot of someone's relationship; particularly when there are children involved. But based on what you've said here, he sounds like a selfish, immature manchild, who has very little respect for you as a partner and as the mother (to be) of his child. I was a single parent, and it is sometimes very very hard, but it's still better than being with someone who treats you like this.

Good for you for being so strong, and I think you're doing exactly the right thing by chucking him out. I agree with others though, that leaving his bags outside for when he comes back pissed is asking for trouble. You mentioned a sister - can you send his bags round there and then text him later to tell him he needs to stay at his sister's or elsewhere tonight - you don't even have to say it's permanent (thus avoiding drunk angry/contrite dramas tonight). Then tomorrow when he's sober, you can tell him your new year doesn't include such a selfish, freeloading baby. Xmas Smile

Oh, and of course YANBU about the car seat - you don't get a cheap carseat when your child's life depends on it. Hmm

DeidreBarlow · 31/12/2010 18:08

ellesbelles I'm glad you are going to tell him sooner rather than later. That way you can enjoy your cheeky glass at midnight and toast the New Year with people who love you. You have lots to look forward to with your new baby, and are really lucky to have a supportive family about.

I truly wish you all the best!

Original poster
ellesbelles79 · 31/12/2010 18:13

Yup peering, he is a prize knob of the highest order. Just wish I had realised sooner....Hmm

Im going to give him his bags before he goes out tonight and will probably spend the night at my parents to avoid any drama later on when he's had a bit to drink etc.

Im really upset about this....feel really empty and worried about how things will be when I am alone raising my little one....but I know I can do it. I'll have to.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 31/12/2010 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McSnail · 31/12/2010 18:19

I read the whole thread but never posted anything as it's so easy to offer 'leave him' advice. Good advice in this case, but as I say, very easy for those not directly involved.

Anyway - i just wanted say how I'm admiring your strength. Long may it continue, and the very best of luck. x

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid · 31/12/2010 18:20

ellesbelles FWIW, my exP was awful during my pregnancy with DD, and pretty useless for the first few years too. I was so so so unhappy and totally unsupported by him. Eight years on and he's a great dad to her - they have a very close relationship and he adores her. Him and I have had some massive issues at times, but we always managed to not let that affect DD, and now I would count us as friends and very effective co-parents. I'm in a very happy relationship with my current DP (after thinking 'oh I'll never meet anyone else now I've got a baby etc), and we all have an amicable relationship that hugely benefits DD.

My point being, that in the (inevitable) moments where you grieve for the family unit you thought you'd be having with this man, remember that it can all turn out fine and great for your child, even if you're not together. Welcome to the age of happy blended families. Xmas Grin

I'm so glad your family are nearby and supportive; that really will make the world of difference. I hope your exP grows up and becomes a decent parent in the future. At the moment, you are much better off without him. Draw on all the support you need from your family, friends, and on here too. This isn't the end - it's just the beginning of the next chapter. Xmas Smile

I think it's great that you're doing this tonight - a great symbolic new start.
Happy New Year! Xmas Wink

MavisGrind · 31/12/2010 18:21

Just because he's a knob it won't mean you won't grieve for the relationship and the what-might-have-been happy ever after family. It will get better and there really is a lot of fun to be had on your own (and you get all the cuddles too!)

Be kind to yourself this New Year - it's fucking hard being strong all the time!

AnnieLobeseder · 31/12/2010 18:22

elles - only just come across this, and I'm so sorry you're going though this. It's hard enough to realise your OH is an utter tosser, but so much harder when you're about to have his baby! And to throw him out on NYE - wow.

You are such an amazing, strong woman! I get so frustrated by the number of women on MN putting up with utter reprehensible shit from their partners, but you know you're worth more than that, you believe in yourself and you're making like better for your baby and for yourself. You rock and I hope you know that!!

GeneHuntsMistress · 31/12/2010 18:23

Ellesbelles i just want to wish you a very very happy new year, what an exciting year you have to come with your little one. Well done, you are being so strong and such a good mother to your child, I salute you.

Make your NYE drink a flute of champagne as you have so much to celebrate and you have really earned it!

choccyp1g · 31/12/2010 18:27

You are absolutely doing the right thing Elles. Good for you, and best wishes for the new year.

I'd opt for your Dad staying with you if possible, otherwise what's to stop the useless waste-of-space letting himself in when he gets back drunk and then you have to get rid of him all over again tomorrow.
Good Luck.

onadietcokebreak · 31/12/2010 18:31

I think you are doing the right thing in splitting up but envisage you will wobble in your decision over the coming months.

Please be strong and please get a locksmith out NOW

LatteLady · 31/12/2010 18:33

Diet Coke read my mind, change the locks asap... much safer for you. All the very best for 2011 xxx

StewieGriffinsMom · 31/12/2010 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ellesbelles79 · 31/12/2010 18:40

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate your messages. Im going to stick to my guns no matter what as I cant have him round my neck, sucking me dry.

I am hurting but feel its better to cut my losses now...theres no point turning a blind eye and letting this carry on...no way do I want to be in this sort of relationship. I understand it will be hard but I have family and friends that will be there for me and Im sure Im not the first or last woman to go through something like this. I just need to get on with life and do the best I can when the baby arrives.

I actually feel relieved now...like a huge weight is off my shoulders.

Happy new year to you all! xxx

OP posts:
FairhairedandFrustrated · 31/12/2010 18:41

Let him go, leave his stuff outside, but have your parents stay with you just incase it kicks off.

You're doing the right thing xx

PeachesandStrawberry · 31/12/2010 18:48

Well Done!

Good luck and I can only echo what other people have said.

You made the right decision.

Have a good 2011.

GingerbreadGiraffe · 31/12/2010 18:54

Hi Elles,
I've been following this thread tonight.

You are truely amazing. You are so strong and decisive. You will be an amazing, amazing mum to your DC.

All the very best to you and heres to 2011 being a new start for you!
xx

tadventjennyp · 31/12/2010 19:14

Please get your parents to be there when you tell him elles. I had this with my exh half a lifetime ago and asked my parents to get up when we were staying at their house. Exh gave me the most vile abuse and I'm still really sorry they heard what he said but they intervened and it kept me safe. Please don't let us read on here that he gave you a good pasting after you asked him to leave. Sending you best wishes that I'm sure will be echoed by everyone on the Feb thread. xxx

fedupofnamechanging · 31/12/2010 19:21

Hi Elles. i've been following this thread, but haven't posted. Just wanted to say that I'll be thinking of you tonight and wish you all the best.

i agree that you shouldn't leave the flat. He has keys and will probably trash it or steal from you. Definitely think you should have your dad with you when you speak to him and have your parents stay with you until you can get the locks changed. It's pricey, but might be worth getting an emergency locksmith out to get the locks changed now. Definitely don't leave the flat unattended.