to not say sorry & get on with my xmas?

[ellesbelles79]

hi all - sorry bit long...

I had a bit of a lie in this morning as was up half the night prepping food, cleaning etc.

OH gets up at 1230 and immediately asks where his xmas dinner is.

We open pressies (its just me & him today as its his only day off).

I get some perfume & baby clothes for our baby boy due in Feb.

He gets several gifts from me, with his main present being an i-phone 4 which i know he really wanted.

While I cook I leave him to set up his new toy...but he cant even put the sim card in so I help sort that out. Then he goes online to register the sim etc..but if asks for a serial number which he cant find. He immediately blames me, saying that I lost the details and becomes very impatient & agressive.

I look high and low but cant find this thing so suggest he rings t-mobile. He asks me to ring instead and while dialling he continuously goes on that I must have lost it etc, its my fault. blah blah blah

I tell him to stop with the attitude and he practically throws i-phone and packaging at me, storms out of the room with his laptop and goes into the bedroom. He has been there ever since, and has refused to eat the xmas dinner that I've made.

I feel like he is so ungrateful and out of order!!

A few mins ago I found the serial number he needed, right by where he was sitting. He clearly flung it to the side when he was initially trying to sort out the sim card etc. I havent told him that I've found it - he isnt speaking to me right now anyway.

It has taken me ages to cook dinner (as I've been sobbing my eyes out all afternoon)....but just feel like I will know eat my xmas dinner & dessert...and get on with xmas day, leaving him to carry on sulking in the bedroom.

AIBU?

I dont feel like I should have to go in there saying sorry for anything...as he has created such a drama over what is essentially nothing. Im so dissapointed and hurt by his behaviour tbh.

YOU are worth more.
This is abuse
YOU TWO need to talk.
Don't brush it under carpet or let him carry on as if nothing has happend.
Just get the wine/tea out on the table and sit and talk calmly and rationally say that his behaviu=our is unnaceptable

Good god I feel so angry for you!!!

Please do have a good think about things while you are wit family. I have had a lovely lovely day today all on my own with m autistic ds. I cleared up all the mess, cooked all the food, washed all the pots, etc etc and hand on heart it has been my best christmas yet. Because I haven't had to put up with a moody sulky selfish man child spoiling the day like in previous years. Please bear this in mind.

If you pay for everything what does his money get spent on????

i am sure this is why we don't have hand guns in this country.... he sounds like he is being a right tool... but if this is odd or recent it could also be for a reason which could be baby, you seemingly (from his perspective) disapearing out of his life a bit more or just simple work+winter+christmas stress with baby added.

I have to say that giving you baby clothes is posibly a nice thing - if you get loads of other stuff and sits with you going on about how cute they are, but this sounds derisory - I would certainly see why his self-esteem has gone haywire (when I get really angry about my washing machine not rinsing - which happens to me to, its normally because I should be crying or actively destressing..)

But if no obvious reason don't work hard trying to please him - because he is obviously won't be pleased whatever you do.

When he goes menatl next go quiet and say 'what's going on, ,are you OK?' I did this once and got a big payout - the person I I did this to broke down and cried that they were being bullied at University and were having a long-term misearable time.

Try to see though the mad smokescreen a bit, but also make him understand how you need his support right now.

He is a prick, I am mad on your behalf

no its not a balanced relationship and I am expected to pay the bills, cook, clean and work. I had said to myself that as my baby's father I would give him a chance and wait until the new year when he is out of his stressful job etc.

My 18 yr old brother just called to say merry xmas and I nearly burst out into tears on the phone. I just said I wasnt really having a good day but I didnt say anything else.

OH heard me and is now even angrier...saying that I have completely ruined xmas and that he doesnt want anything to do with me..doesnt want his i-phone etc.

I said "you really are something else" and walked out of the room.

How did I ruin xmas? He did that hours ago and still he blames me.

Maybe I shouldnt have cried on phone to my brother but it was literally 30seconds and I gathered my composure swiftly as I dont want my bro to hear me cry as he will just worry.

I just dont care now - maybe im better off without him and being without me to take care of him...he might grow up a bit!

Right, so you both work, and you pay for everything and cook Xmas dinner on your own and are apparently responsible for the laundry as well? Does he do any housework? Or really contribute anything?

You said he'd bought some lovely things - was that in addition to the perfume you'd already mentioned? The point is, the baby clothes aren't a present for you, they're for the baby. And I think if people want to buy presents for a baby before it's born, go ahead, but they're no more yours than they are his. To me it sends a giant signal that (as far as I can tell) everything else at home is your responsibility, not his.

If he's this bad when you're out at work I dread to think what he would be like when you're at home with the baby all day. Please don't make yourself and your baby financially dependent on this person without thinking it over carefully.

ellesbelless79, this is not your fault and your DH sounds like he is emotionally blackmailing you and turning everything around so that it seems as if you are the problem. Can you not just go to your parents house, ask your brother to come and pick you up. Your DH is using you and taking advantage of your kindness. How can he blame you for ruining christmas. All you wanted was a lovely christmas and him throwing the i-phone and going into a tantrum because of the serial number is prize wanker behaviour. Please re-evaluate your relationship, how will you cope with all this stress and having to do everything when the baby is born. He will drive you mad.

I just do not understand how he can get away with giving you just fifty quid a month, where does all his money go. Even if he earns way less than you, you should still see where that money goes than paying all the bills and then doing all the housework. And as for buying you baby clothes............I am speechless, how is that a present for you, you cant fit in those clothes. He is an arse of the highest order. I used to be married to one who behaved exactly as your DH, that is why he is now an ex. Things came to a head when our baby was born and I realised I was being used, that was 11 years ago.

So sorry you are going through this, and YADNBU

Elles I'm truly not part of the 'leave him brigade' but dear lord think seriously if this is the type of person you want to share your life with, he has treated you appallingly.
No decent man would sulk over something so silly, no half decent guy would ever even consider throwing objects at his heavily pregnant wife.

Take the iPhone from him, have it yourself.

Consider leaving, he's a proper arsehole.

Personally I would keep/smash/return the i-phone and go to my parents while he cools off and grovels a lot.

He needs to grow up a bit if he wants to be a good father.

I thought my arsehole was bad, but even he doesn't have the gall to ruin Christmas day.

I threw out half of Dh's clothes and the box to his brand new phone (with the guarentee etc) because he wouldn't clean his shit up. When the phone broke and he couldn't return it he was annoyed, we argued, but he didn't throw anything at me. He wouldn't dare and he forgot about it an hour later. It wasn't even x-mas.

Merry X-mas and I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

I thought I'd misread and you were talking about one of your children, not your partner. It doesn't sound like you have anything to apologise, I'd leave him alone for a while and hopefully he'll realise he's been ridiculous and come out to apologise to you! Maybe he is stressed or anxious about the baby, or his job or something, but there's no excuse for a grown man behaving like that, being aggressive and throwing things around. Doesn't sound a good environment for your little boy to grow up in.

Agree that giving you a present of baby clothes for his own baby is very odd. It's bad enough when other relatives/friends do it, but since the baby is presumably going to be just as much his as yours...buying baby stuff and giving it to you sounds a bit like one of those men who buys a new mop or hoover for his wife!

God, why on earth are you still there? This 'man' is a prized prick.

Ellesbelles this just gets worse, he got angry at you because you cried on the phone? He doesn't do anything around the house, he kicks off at the slightest provocation, he doesn't contribute financially either.... why on earth are you with him?

If it's been bad today, just imagine what it'll be like next year. Your present will be oven gloves and a tea towel.

I had a boyfriend, years back, that behaved like that. I earned more than him and had a flat. I cooked and cleaned and made a nice home. I bought him nice thoughtful presents and would receive some rubbish in exchange. I was unable to see I was being taken for a ride, and would always defend him, completely blind to the fact that a relationship so utterly unequal was destroying my soul. I became alive when we split up.

In my experience (first hand at that) there is NO WAY a relationship this unequal can ever fulfil you, let alone make you happy. He has become accustomed to you being the adult, whilst he is behaving like a child. As you are the one who cooks, cleans, cares and buys, it makes sense in his infantilised, immature mind that you are also responsible for any little foible or problem that crosses his path: i.e, losing the serial number. My two year old behaves like this, by the way, only this is the expected behaviour in a toddler.

In stark contrast with the guy I describe above, I now have a wonderful man who would not dream of not living as equal partners. As a matter of principle all expenses come from a joint account, he helps around the house, and is forever appreciative of my doing housework or cooking. Like you, I'm pregnant, 36 weeks, and he would not dream of treating me with such disrespect.

I think you need to send this guy a very clear message, and to stop tolerating the intolerable. I would leave for your parents right now, with the message that this type of behaviour is utterly unacceptable to you. Fundamentally, when you have your DS you will realise that this is NOT the type of environment you want your kid to grow up in. Children learn what they see, and you do not want your child to grow up watching how his father disrespects you.

I am really sorry you've had such a crap day, and I do think this guy does not deserve you. Here's wishing you a lovely day with your family tomorrow. xxxxx

on phone so brief. Elles. I'm very very worried for you. If you didn't already know it, this is not a normal or healthy situatoon. Your working. Paying for everything. Doing all the domdstic work. And getting abuse. Please listen. This is not right and must stop immediately. Go to parents and rest. Think about what you want andsetting grojnd riles. Things get harder when children come. i'm worried for you because inidents of dv and i hate to sy it, murder go up for pregnant women. be careful.

he sounds like a complete embarassment to you.you're having to pretend he didn't upset you, he's to o thick to register his own phone. I wouldn't be seen in public with somebody like that,i hope you wake up g to reality soon.

You are with a complete loser op.

Real, decent men don't behave like this.

Sorry, but you need to nip this in the bud. He is going to be a pain when the baby arrives.
If he EVER shouts at you to keep the baby quiet....KICK HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Baby men are not safe around young babies, he needs to grow up pronto or GET OUT!

Sorry, but I can't stand men like this

Thanks everyone - you have been a great support to me over the last few hours. Im feeling strong again now.

I just had a nice warm bath to try and relax and have a think about things. I went into the bedroom and he was asleep! I woke him saying that I wanted to talk and he said "Im sleeping right now"...so I've just left him to it.

Im going to leave him where he is for now but in my mind I know I will need to get it through his head that he cant behave like this and get away with it. I really dont want my baby to have to suffer his tantrums too! what will he do when the baby cries or dirties his nappy? I guess it will all be my fault and I'll get something thrown at me again. I just cant deal with it and dont see why I should have to.

Im going to pack a bag and head over to my parents and stay for a few days. I need to do some serious thinking - but to be honest Im just thinking it may be best for him to leave if he cannot see the error of his ways and change sharpish.

You are all totally right - he is acting like a 2 year old and what happens when the baby arrives? He cant eeem to do anything for himself as it is and when the baby is here i cant do everything for both of them! The baby is going to be number 1 priority for me and I cant be mother to my baby and OH!

He does nothing round the flat, doesnt support me in any way...and Im wondering now how on earth he is going to be helpful when our son is here.

This is I suppose abuse...maybe not physical but emotionally its so draining and he is trying to make me feel as though its all down to me...all is my fault. But i realise that this is all a ploy...he must enjoy putting me down and being a bully. I dont want my son to see him treat me that way...I just wont allow it. He needs to respect me & at the moment he doesnt & wants to lord it over me.

I hope you've all had a great day today & just want to thank you again for your support. Hopefully when I get to my parents I can have some time to think clearly about things and find a way forward...with or without OH. Whatever is best for me & baby really. xxx

i think you should go see your parents now and tell them everything. Talk through the situation with your close friends too. He really isn't treating you well at all and you deserve better. you should keep the iphone by the way.