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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not say sorry & get on with my xmas?

173 replies

ellesbelles79 · 25/12/2010 16:40

hi all - sorry bit long...

I had a bit of a lie in this morning as was up half the night prepping food, cleaning etc.

OH gets up at 1230 and immediately asks where his xmas dinner is.

We open pressies (its just me & him today as its his only day off).

I get some perfume & baby clothes for our baby boy due in Feb.

He gets several gifts from me, with his main present being an i-phone 4 which i know he really wanted.

While I cook I leave him to set up his new toy...but he cant even put the sim card in so I help sort that out. Then he goes online to register the sim etc..but if asks for a serial number which he cant find. He immediately blames me, saying that I lost the details and becomes very impatient & agressive.

I look high and low but cant find this thing so suggest he rings t-mobile. He asks me to ring instead and while dialling he continuously goes on that I must have lost it etc, its my fault. blah blah blah

I tell him to stop with the attitude and he practically throws i-phone and packaging at me, storms out of the room with his laptop and goes into the bedroom. He has been there ever since, and has refused to eat the xmas dinner that I've made.

I feel like he is so ungrateful and out of order!!

A few mins ago I found the serial number he needed, right by where he was sitting. He clearly flung it to the side when he was initially trying to sort out the sim card etc. I havent told him that I've found it - he isnt speaking to me right now anyway.

It has taken me ages to cook dinner (as I've been sobbing my eyes out all afternoon)....but just feel like I will know eat my xmas dinner & dessert...and get on with xmas day, leaving him to carry on sulking in the bedroom.

AIBU?

I dont feel like I should have to go in there saying sorry for anything...as he has created such a drama over what is essentially nothing. Im so dissapointed and hurt by his behaviour tbh.

OP posts:
TurkeyMartini · 25/12/2010 19:34

What everyone else has said -- no decent man would behave like this to his pregnant wife/partner. It's appalling. You need to get away. You're better off without a prick like this dragging you down.

Please at least get some space from him in the short term and have a think. It won't get any easier to walk away when the baby comes.

WHY, also, do you do all the domestic stuff when you both have jobs? Especially given that you are pg and need to rest? Not normal. Will be genuinely impossible when the baby arrives.

PND is much more common in women whose partners are not supportive, loving and helpful. I hate to imagine you trapped at home with a tiny baby and a ranting bully who throws things when he is cross. Whatever you do, you need to act sooner rather than later.

TurkeyMartini · 25/12/2010 19:42

Xposted with your post, so glad you are thinking like a woman with options. Babies are so totally fabulous, but they do really take a lot of hard work and endless patience - as you no doubt know, but I bet he doesn't - and they are so very vulnerable - stories like yours really give me The Fear for that reason.

Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well, and the birth, and that your baby son when he arrives gives you the strength to do what you need to - whatever you decide.

Happy Christmas btw :)

MadamDeathstare · 25/12/2010 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myleetlepony · 25/12/2010 19:52

I would let him wake up and find you gone, but longer term, as you pay for everything, and do everything, he should be the one moving out for a while. Or forever. Who knows? I don't think sitting him down for a serious talk is going to work though, some action will either wake him up, or you'll find that he just doesn't care enough to try, unfortunately.
I hope you can have a relaxing time with your parents. When you go back, can I suggest that you take someone with you?

Myleetlepony · 25/12/2010 19:52

p.s. Take the Iphone with you and don't give it back.

Rebecca41 · 25/12/2010 20:05

I hate to add nasty thoughts to an already awful situation, but is it possible he may be having an affair? Picking fights with you over trivial issues, then locking himself away on the computer for ages all seems a bit suspicious to me. Combine that with the fact that he earns less than you and is about to be usurped by a baby, and I'd have thought it's a recipe for him wanting a bit of flattering attention from someone else.

Can I just add that there is life after split-ups, if that's what it comes to. I have just had a lovely day with my 2 DSs - no pressure, didn't even cook a fancy lunch - just played all day, and was told countless times by DS1 what a wonderful day it was and how much he loved me.

You don't need people in your life that make you feel crap.

TurkeyMartini · 25/12/2010 20:06

Precisely, MadameD. Really well put.

Please listen to MadameD, OP, she's 100% right.

HansieMom · 25/12/2010 20:24

You are better than this. What is he good for? He is a 27 year old leech and an ungrateful one at that. I think you should boot him out. He can rent a room, pay for his own food, and his clothing and surroundings will be just as clean and comfortable as he makes them. It will be an eye opening experience.

Actually, I wouldn't want someone like this around a newborn. He could lose his temper and lash out at the helpless baby.

xstitchsnowscene · 25/12/2010 20:26

sounds just like my XH. I would chuck him out the house today and tell him not to come back until he is prepared to listen. If he does come back then he needs to hear a few home truths like Madame D says. He has to grow up otherwise he is not going to be a decent Dad.

StarExpat · 25/12/2010 20:36

:( you poor thing. Can you ask him to leave for a few days? You pay for everything... For some reason it just seems odd to let him stay wrapped in the comfort of the home that you pay for. He doesn't deserve to be taken care of by you even if only financially when he's treating you like this.

Xenia · 25/12/2010 20:50

He sounds a waste of space. Don't leave. You pay for everything. Make sure he leaves, not you.

"Last week after the shirt fiasco I told him that if things didnt improve he would need to leave before the baby arrives as i cant have this sort of drama. He said then that he would do his best to calm down & rethink his attitude...but here we are again a week later...."

So I would write a list or note - type it of bullet points of when he's made you feel so bad. Say that he had said it would stop and it hasn't and that he has to change. Good plan suggested above to ask him to leave for a few days whilst you think about things. Do you rent a flat and is it in joint names under the tenancy (and remember yuou can work and have babies - i took 2 weeks holiday to have mine - it might not be everyone's plan but it worked out very well for us and then your income doesn't drop although of course there are childcare costs.)

JustAnother · 25/12/2010 20:50

Ellesbelles79, you sound like a very clever strong woman and it seems you have already reached a conclusion about what's best for you and your baby. Get rid of that man. He's just a waste of space and at least you'll have the last few months of your pregnancy in peace.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 25/12/2010 22:58

What you describe Elles really worries me.

You clearly have a mismatched relationship balance, you earn more, you work more, cook more and clean more. He does less of everything.

This attitude of his bothers me. He heard you cry and got worse? No decent partner does that.

He sounds a little as if he has controlling issues generally, and you up until now have been meeting his demands, reasonable or not.

Now that you are PG he is either threatened or he is taking advantage of your slower more fragile physical state and is piling on what I can see is abuse, while you are too weak to leave/stand up for yourself.

Many abusers ramp up their behaviour when the partner is PG. Please be honest with yourself, if this is draining you as much as it would me, if he is following you around the flat shouting, he is deliberately intimidating you.

Please, if you can, ask him to leave

cumfy · 26/12/2010 01:10

Yikes! What a wanker.
I hope you're now safely at your parents.

This behaviour of his is not going to go away.
What are his parents like ?
I'd try and spend at least a week away and think about splitting up.

TurkeyMartini · 26/12/2010 09:49

Checking in. Hope you are OK.

edam · 26/12/2010 10:36

Unless he does a sudden about turn, apologises profusely, recognises that his behaviour has been shit and takes real steps to make amends, I think you should throw him out. Make sure your brother is there when you give this waste of space his marching orders, btw. Just in case the tantrum turns violent - or even just because there's likely to be a tantrum and you need support.

veritythebrave · 26/12/2010 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cumfy · 26/12/2010 10:55

Edam my real concern is that this is precisely what he will do in the short term (but in the long term won't change).
It's this that is the real conundrum for Elles.

In some ways it will make things so much easier if he just continues his browbeating tossery.Sad

clam · 26/12/2010 11:20

I agree. Elles needs to get this sorted out now, as it's unlikely to get any better once a newborn arrives on the scene. And she needs to be pro-active about it, IYSWIM, rather than being at his mercy and waiting, hoping, for him to switch his mood and start being nice to her again. Until the next time.

Make no more excuses for him, such as "he's stressed." I wouldn't accept that. I doubt he strops in the same way at work, due to stress. If he can control it there, he can control it at home.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/12/2010 11:25

only read the OP but i would be out of there. no ifs no buts. he is an asshole and doesn't deserve you pandering to him like a child. i have no advice because i would tell you to leave. no doubt i will read the thread and you will have a doezen excuses about how lovely he normally is but anyway. thats my opinion.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/12/2010 11:33

jesus christ. jsut skimmed through and it gets worse.

this man is emotionally abusing you and he is building up to physically abusing you. he threw stuff about, this is a test to see what you will tolerate, if you tolerate this he will step it up a notch and start throwing things at you, then he willl hit you but he will have an excuse ready "he lost it/you pushed him etc" DV increases during pregnancy. also, he is trying to cut off your support by letting you know it is not ok to tell your Dbro that you are upset. classic classic signs here.

please get out now, you deserve love and respect.

edam · 26/12/2010 11:36

Cumfy's right. And Iloveit's right - sinister but this is the way abusers operate, they work up to hitting you.

floridalover · 26/12/2010 11:45

Sorry you have had such a bad experience. You really need to think seriously about continuing this relationship. this is controlling abusive behaviour. at a time like this you need love and support not tantrums abuse etc. This is no environment into which to bring a baby. His behaviour is appalling no one should feel threatend and affraid in their own home

QuietTiger · 26/12/2010 11:55

Are you being UnreASONABLE??? The man is a self centred, ungrateful fuckwit to behave in such a manner. As Strawbezza said, this is not a balanced relationship in the slightest. You need to really assess the relationship hard and decide what it is that you want out of it before your baby is born, because the last thing you need to do is deal with 2 children. He's your partner, not a 5 year old child. What a prat (him).

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 26/12/2010 12:00

OP this will require you to be totally honest with yourself.

firstly, i sthis the relationship you want?
is this the environment you want for your baby?
will he change? honestly, will he change or will he change for a while and then revert to type (and this is his type or he wouldn't be doing it in the first place)

please be honset with yourself. don't delude yourself and say everything will be ok. don't accept excuses from him, you know an excuse when you see one. call him on it and tell him straight, his behviour does NOT cut it with you. it stops now or you are gone. tell him. last chance saloon (only if you are 100% confident he will change and RECOGNISE that it is his issue and he is doing it for the benefit of you all and not just to keep you here.