to not say sorry & get on with my xmas?

[ellesbelles79]

hi all - sorry bit long...

I had a bit of a lie in this morning as was up half the night prepping food, cleaning etc.

OH gets up at 1230 and immediately asks where his xmas dinner is.

We open pressies (its just me & him today as its his only day off).

I get some perfume & baby clothes for our baby boy due in Feb.

He gets several gifts from me, with his main present being an i-phone 4 which i know he really wanted.

While I cook I leave him to set up his new toy...but he cant even put the sim card in so I help sort that out. Then he goes online to register the sim etc..but if asks for a serial number which he cant find. He immediately blames me, saying that I lost the details and becomes very impatient & agressive.

I look high and low but cant find this thing so suggest he rings t-mobile. He asks me to ring instead and while dialling he continuously goes on that I must have lost it etc, its my fault. blah blah blah

I tell him to stop with the attitude and he practically throws i-phone and packaging at me, storms out of the room with his laptop and goes into the bedroom. He has been there ever since, and has refused to eat the xmas dinner that I've made.

I feel like he is so ungrateful and out of order!!

A few mins ago I found the serial number he needed, right by where he was sitting. He clearly flung it to the side when he was initially trying to sort out the sim card etc. I havent told him that I've found it - he isnt speaking to me right now anyway.

It has taken me ages to cook dinner (as I've been sobbing my eyes out all afternoon)....but just feel like I will know eat my xmas dinner & dessert...and get on with xmas day, leaving him to carry on sulking in the bedroom.

AIBU?

I dont feel like I should have to go in there saying sorry for anything...as he has created such a drama over what is essentially nothing. Im so dissapointed and hurt by his behaviour tbh.

You say the baby was planned... I am curious as to whether he has always been the way he is now because tbh why would you want to start a family with someone so unsupportive?

I know many men who have reacted badly initially to unplanned pregnancies but only in the very early stages iyswim. Hate to sound harsh but really, what is he bringing to the relationship other than a lot of grief for you?

Hope you're having a better time today.

op, I have alarm bells screeching at me with regard to this one. It's really tough when you're pregnant and he is the baby's dad, but honestly speaking, I don't think he's going to change. Or more accurately, I think he is going to change but for the worse, ie he will become more abusive. Yes, he might come crawling back with profuse apologies and temporary promises that he won't behave like this again, but he has already promised that before and it lasted for all of a week. Please, op, don't buy it - you deserve better than this. And so does your baby.

This man is not providing for you financially or emotionally. You deserve more than this person is willing or able to provide. Do your family know how he is behaving? If I was your Mother I would be telling you to get out of the relationship now.

Your situation is bringing back bad memories for me. Maybe he believes the baby will keep you trapped with him no matter how he behaves.

If its a boy will there be friction in his immature mind that your attention is going to another male.

My ex drummed it in to me that I shouldnt't tell anyone 'our business'. My family never knew till the end. In all the talks I ever had with him, reasoning with him and explaining stuff, he never once changed his behaviour as he promised. It didn't work. A man like him just saw it as weakness in me.

My(now)fiesty sister has a different way that works for her. She waits till she is with her mother-in-law or their friends and tells them about his behaviour, but in the tone of recounting what a silly tantrum some child had. She rarely has to do it now as he knows what to expect. I am not saying you should do that but theres more than one way to deal with a situation which may work. Dont isolate yourself. Please talk to your family. Best wishes to you and your baby.

I can't help feeling that the way he behaved about the iPhone is indicative of the way he is likely to be about the baby. He was looking forward to his shiny new toy until something wasn't perfect, then it was all his partner's fault and her responsibility to sort it out while he had a good old strop in the other room. Most of us can tell the difference between a baby and an electronic device, of course, but then again most of us gave up chucking things around like very badly behaved toddlers years ago - oh, and learned how to be fucking grateful for lovely, expensive presents.

If he isn't all "that baby crying is doing my head in, I'm off down the pub" in a few months' time at the very least, I'll eat my... iPhone. (Don't have one, actually, but I'll be happy to give his a home as he says he doesn't want it.)

OP, don't let all the shouting on here scare you. It's not up to anyone but you what you do now.

I guess what you can see from here is that you don't have to put up with this behaviour, it is not reasonable, loving or supportive. There will be reasons it's happening, you may find them out or you may not.

The decisions about what to do now are yours, as and when you feel up to it. Safeguard yourself financially and practically - so good you've got supportive family. You can rely on them to back you, whatever happens. The division of labour in the relationship is clearly unequal - I think that causes problems everywhere! Resentment, isolation, rage, frustration, etc.

Do listen to the advice everywhere if it helps, but if you make any decisions at this time, they need to feel like your own, otherwise in the future you may wonder 'what if..' Good luck!! You're not alone.

YANBU. Your DH should have helped you cook Dinner not left it all to you, You need to sit down and talk to him.

How long have you been together and living together? Has he changed from when you first met him, has it been a gradual change? Where does all his money go? How does he intend to support his child? Has he tried to get you to hide things from your family before? Has he tried to stop you seeing friends/family before? If he didnt change would you be happy to live the next 50 years like this?

This is abusive behaviour and is going to get worse once the baby arrives im sorry to say . I think you need to get yourself some support , do not be complicit in keeping his horrible treatment of you secret.

Also have a read on the net about abusive behaviour , the better informed you are the easier it will be for you , and theres some books that are highly recommended .

If you are hoping to improve things , set some boundarys now. He contributes 50 per cent financially , domesticly , and in all areas. Any more outbursts should have the consequences of him being kicked out for a few days or your family arriving to support you .

yes i am hoping that things will improve and the tantrums will miraculously stop but my patience is wearing thin now...

it will not improve

it will get worse

I agree with every single poster who has saiyou get rid of his ridiculous man-child before he baby comes

he is going to be an absolute drain on you, when you need to be emotionally tip-top

I can see the script this time next year, tbh

you have baby, he no longer has you to do everything, stroke his ego and generally be the submissive partner you have been so far

he spits the dummy out, feels "pushed out" and takes up with nearest strumpet

he blames it all on you, you take responsibilty for his fuck-up like you always have

cue, life of fucking subservient misery, while his moods deermine wheher you have a bad day, or a mediocre one

get out now

determine

how was boxing day???

Hi all - sorry I've been missing for a while. I had a good few days at my parents and have only come back to my flat today.

Did a lot of thinking and talked things over with my parents. They were really shocked by his attitude and are a bit worried about me coming back home...but i know I have their support and I can call my dad up at any time and he will be right over if anything else happens.

Anyway, got home and OH was really happy to see me - he truly thought that i wasnt coming back & that seemed to scare him. He apologised for his behaviour and ruining xmas but I've heard it all before and have told him that if I dont see an improvement over the next few weeks then he will need to go. I just havent got the energy to deal with his aggressive moods. Its not good for me & not good for the baby.

He has said he is stresed with work and that he realises he has some kind of anger problem. I've told him to go and see the GP if thats the case, maybe he needs to talk to someone about whatever issues he's having - because Im just not putting up with it. I cant be treated like a doormat in my own home...and I certainly dont want my son when he's born to see his daddy treating me like that - or he will feel its normal to go around bullying folk and disrespecting people. That really isnt the sort of way I want to raise my child so if OH doesnt pull his socks up pronto, then Im afraid he's going to be out on his ear!

I have the full backing of my parents & brother - its great they are fully aware of the situation now and Im glad that I told them and took some time out with them.

Baby clothes for xmas made me feel like the baby is all down to me....like perhaps he sees it as a womans role to look after baby! So I've told him that and said that he has made this baby too & is equally responsible for its upbringing. He needs to be there for me to support me...emotionally, financially etc.

I let him know that if he wants to stay here beyond the new year he also needs to agree to open a joint bank account to help pay the bills and the costs of our baby! Im not listening to any excuses now and he has told me that we can go on Thurs to get one opened!!

We are going over budgets when he gets home from work a bit later on so we can agree amounts etc. So I feel thats a step in the right direction.

I feel like Im back in charge of the situation anyway. I have told him exactly how I feel, what I expect of him now...and if he doesnt stick to the things he has promised then I wont hesitate in throwing him out. Its my flat after all - I pay the mortgage/bills and its all in my name - so if he needs to go then so be it.

I just cant be mother to two children and its time he grew up and realised what it takes to be a decent man, partner and father. I dont think its hit him yet - Im not sure he had really considered how things will be when we have this baby. He is pretty immature and I think its going to be shock! But I cant carry him any more...he needs to add value to our relationship and if he cant do that....well, he knows what will happen.

I had a fab time with my family over the last few days and if I do end up having to face motherhood alone then Im not scared of that. I have people that care and will be willing to help.

I know many of you have said to get rid of him now...and I have been thinking about that but I feel I should give him the chance to redeem himself. Not sure if that is being a little weak but I feel like as he is my childs father i should give him the (small) opportunity to change?

Feeling sooooo much more positive anyway! xxx

You sound great! fwiw, my dh and I had our first baby at 27 (I know it's not that young, but we were youngest by a LONG way of our friends) and we had some big old ishoos... much along the lines of this (and my dh didn't cover himself in glory for the first year of ds1's life either... ) Stuck it out, at one point we went to Relate, but much older now, and really SO happy. Men can take a while to get there, even for a planned loved wanted pg. Sounds like you have clearly communicated your needs and expectations. Which is all you can do - and be prepared to listen to his. Best of luck x

BUT (sorry didn't mean to be so breezy) if he can't resolve the anger stuff you are absolutely right - that is a deal-breaker. It's lovely that your family are supportive and on-side.

Thanks Paradis - I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe i havent helped the situation by turning a blind eye in the past and letting him get away with it for so long.

He hasnt always been this way and so i feel like work, the baby or some other stress has created this. But obviously if he doesnt/cant change then he needs to go before it gets worse...his chance is there and its up to him now...xx

Well done elles, here's wishing you all the best.

Stay strong, what you are asking is the minimum: to feel safe and respected in your home, to have a partner who is an equal.

Hi Ellesbelles, haven't seen you on the February thread for ages. Just wanted to wish you all the best sorting out your partner. I hope he truly becomes the supportive, equal partner you deserve and need, and if he can't step up to the plate then I wish you the strength to make him leave. xx

thanks tadventjennyp - all I can do is wait and see what happens I guess...

hope to catch you on the Feb thread soon - and hope all is going well with you luvvy xx

Elles, has he offered an explanation of why he behaved like that (specifically, not just "I was angry") ?

I'm really glad that things have improved

I don't mean to burst your bubble but I feel you should still continue to seriously consider leaving whilst it is most practicable.

I would at a bare minimum ensure that you make a joint appointment at the GP, so that you can make sure the GP has it from the horse's mouth (so to speak ).
Explain you are more than happy for him to have individual appts after this.

I'm sorry to put a downer on things when you appear positive about the way forward bu this is just wrong:

"I got home and OH was really happy to see me - he truly thought that i wasnt coming back & that seemed to scare him"

A decent man who believe his pregnant wife was leaving him for good would not be sat on his sorry arse waiting for her to come home, or not.

He would be round at her parents apologising to her for his appalling behaviour, begging forgiveness and talking to her (and her parents) about how he intends to change and the steps he is going to take to ensure that change actually happens.

Nancy is 100%; I was just being diplomatic.