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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to deny DH a trip home to visit ill parents?

96 replies

ItchyTits · 22/12/2010 19:53

Our DD is 9 months old, and ill with some kind of baby flu that's going around. She's on anti-biotics but really whingey.

I've just found out I'm about 10 weeks pregnant, and shattered, and maybe coming down with a cold.

The in-laws are 5 hours away and the weather is unpredictable, as we all know. It's mainly on motorways but severely cold at our destination.

The in laws are looking forward to this, and both are due surgery in the new year. They're very kind and have taken off the pressure, but I know how much DH wants to go 'home'

It doesn't help that my mum died a couple of years ago and things with my own family are remarkably hard at the moment.

Please don't suggest he goes alone. I don't imagine he'd even consider it and I'm not sure I could manage a Christmas with the ill baby.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DaisySteiner · 22/12/2010 19:56

Sorry, I do think YABU, but understandably so. I think you just need to grit your teeth and get on with it though. What if something happened to one of them? You (and possibly your dh) would never forgive yourself if you'd stayed at home rather than visit.

swanandduck · 22/12/2010 19:56

That's a difficult one. Do your ILs have any other family nearby that could spend Christmas with them?

ChoudeBruxelles · 22/12/2010 19:56

Could they come to you. Or you all arrange to go down very early in the new year.

What are they having surgery for?

AKMD · 22/12/2010 19:58

Difficult but I would either let him go or, if finances permitted, make it a family trip and you all stay at a nearby hotel.

orangepoo · 22/12/2010 19:59

Difficult. I would see if the ILs had their flu jabs. I phoned my ILs (we were supposed to be going on Fri, now are not) and asked them - FIL had his jab, MIL didn't and this is one of the many reasons we have cancelled. See what the ILs say - my ILs were not upset that we can't come and are happy to wait until everything is more stable for a visit.

orangepoo · 22/12/2010 20:00

If he wants to go alone, I think you should let him honestly.

Original poster
ItchyTits · 22/12/2010 20:00

MIL needs a hip replacement and FIL a heart valve replaced. Their other two children live just around the corner, and they are all looking forward to seeing our baby again.

They're such kind people, and I hate myself for feeling so sorry for myself

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 22/12/2010 20:01

I'd try and go too, its unfair your DH cannot see his family at christmas when he wants too. An ill baby will be fine at home or in a hotel as long as you are there.

The pg is a red herring, if you planned to fall pg then surely you knew the risks re sickness etc.

herbietea · 22/12/2010 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 22/12/2010 20:02

Do you have the power to 'let him' or to 'deny him'?

Surely what you do, you do by agreement? So talk about it. Tell him your position, listen to his and come up with the best course of action between you.

Original poster
ItchyTits · 22/12/2010 20:02

orangepoo I'm impressed you could ask that of your ILs. They're nice,very nice, but they don't do rational conversation as I do. (Perhaps they're the rational ones) but I can't imagine asking them that, even though I haven't had my own flu jab and have been told I ought to wait until the 2nd trimester to have it

OP posts:
Original poster
ItchyTits · 22/12/2010 20:05

Thanks for the reassurance that the baby will be ok. That helps!

Holly he is prepared not to go. I just don't want to break his kind heart. I'm not sure I have a position. Just feeling very uncomfortable about an unpredicitble journey

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 22/12/2010 20:06

No you should go. Baby with flu and being pregnant are not valid reasons for cancelling plans like this, especially since everyone else is looking forward to it so much (including DH).
Time trip for baby's nap time, dose with Neurofen/ Calpol and go. If its on motorway travel conditions should be OK.

swanandduck · 22/12/2010 20:09

If your ILs are not putting pressure on you and they have two other children who will be with them on Christmas day I don't think it's essential that you travel. I understand that your baby is probably the big attraction for them all but you can travel up as soon as the roads clear and they can look forward to that.

MamaDeer · 22/12/2010 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jester68 · 22/12/2010 20:10

I don't really get how you can stop your husband if he really wants to go???

I thought when you lived together as a couple then it was a joint decision not one saying no and the other supposed to agree even if they don't.

To be honest the cold is going to be around for a while, heard till at least feb time.

What does your husband want and think about it all?

I am sorry that your little one is poorly x

Original poster
ItchyTits · 22/12/2010 20:14

What does he want? For us all to be together as a family. If I won't go, neither would he, I think.....

OP posts:
onceamai · 22/12/2010 20:15

Actually, although I think you are being a bit U, at the end of the day if the baby is ill this could easily be passed to the in-laws and delay their operations in the New Year.

Unwell baby, very tired newly pg mummy, potentially dangerous travelling conditions.

Surely it isn't unreasonable to suggest that you will get there as soon as the baby is better and as soon as there is a break in the weathe. That way you could be there by about 27th/28th December, they will have had the company of the other sibs over Xmas and then more quality time with the three of you. Baby better and not grizzly difficult, you happy because less worried, DH in a better mood after a couple of days rest and them not at risk of catching the nasties from the baby. No brainer for me.

EmmaBemma · 22/12/2010 20:17

I think you might feel better once you're on the move. As others have said, babies do seem to recover quickly from colds. Being around people might be good for you especially if you're feeling sad, and the weather is actually supposed to be dry and stable (apart from in south east) till Christmas so the main roads should be fine.

Curiousmama · 22/12/2010 20:18

Agree he should go for an overnight stay. You can cope. What if he worked away? What would you do then? How do single parents cope?

Oblomov · 22/12/2010 20:21

YABU
How sick is your dd ? Won't she perk up a bit when she sees grandma and grandad ?

amberleaf · 22/12/2010 20:25

What onceamai said, flu etc would cause their ops to be postponed, i dont think its a good idea tbh.

Wouldnt fancy 5 hr drive with ill baby and morning sickness either.

Ormirian · 22/12/2010 20:25

I don't think you should go. SOrry Sad Two older people due surgery after christmas do not need any bugs introduced into their home. I think DH should go up alone after christmas.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2010 20:43

I would not want to pass a bug to elderly people needing heart surgery, tbh.

Flu can be very bad for elderly people with pre-existing medical conditions.

SkyBluePearl · 22/12/2010 20:48

a five hour drive at ten weeks pregnant with an ill child and lots of snow/ice - unlikely! If the weather is very bad it's a complete no. If the roads are passable and child perks up - then it's a maybe depending on how you are. Have you morning sickness? What about going over New Year instead? They do have family round the corner sowont be alone over Xmas.

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