Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to deny DH a trip home to visit ill parents?

96 replies

ItchyTits · 22/12/2010 19:53

Our DD is 9 months old, and ill with some kind of baby flu that's going around. She's on anti-biotics but really whingey.

I've just found out I'm about 10 weeks pregnant, and shattered, and maybe coming down with a cold.

The in-laws are 5 hours away and the weather is unpredictable, as we all know. It's mainly on motorways but severely cold at our destination.

The in laws are looking forward to this, and both are due surgery in the new year. They're very kind and have taken off the pressure, but I know how much DH wants to go 'home'

It doesn't help that my mum died a couple of years ago and things with my own family are remarkably hard at the moment.

Please don't suggest he goes alone. I don't imagine he'd even consider it and I'm not sure I could manage a Christmas with the ill baby.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 22/12/2010 20:48

I wouldn't go- but arrange to travel when the baby is better and we've had a bit of a thaw.

Georgimama · 22/12/2010 20:53

Well we have similar situation, we were supposed to go and see PIL last weekend but the snow is so extreme where they are we postponed until 27th December, now MIL seems to be coming down with flu (she hasn't had flu vaccination). I'm 8 weeks pregnant (no one knows yet except DH) and after speaking to them today DH said "we're not going on Tuesday".

I'm surprised so many people are urging you to go. Your PIL really do not want flu, especially if they are both waiting surgery.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2010 21:02

Btw, the onset of genuine influenza is quite sudden. You don't really 'come down' with it, more like collapse.

There are quite a few people who say, 'I have flu' as they happily chat away all day online.

That was possible when I had swine flu, but last time I had influenza (a type B), there was no way.

As one person I know put it: if there's a thousand pounds in a bundle on the other side of your bedroom as you lie in bed, if you can get up to get it, you have a cold, if you just can't seem to muster the energy, you have flu.

Georgimama · 22/12/2010 21:06

Well she's on steroids and antivirals expat, sorry if my terminology wasn't precise enough.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2010 21:17

she'd be on them, too, for a cold, depending on her health conditions, tbh.

my dad's on all that every time he gets a cold after pneumonia from flu nearly killed him a couple of years ago (as he has heart disease, hypertension and is elderly).

she may have flu, who knows?

but a lot of people say 'I have flu' and they have a cold.

there are some really bad colds out there, but flu is really really dangerous for people who have certain pre-existing conditions and elderly (and, in the case of swine flu, the very young). Sad

cumfy · 22/12/2010 21:18

What about monitoring and looking at 26-28th ?

A thaw is forecast then too.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2010 21:19

honestly, i wouldn't risk it when a man who needs open heart surgery, Itchy.

he needs to be fit as he can for that op.

Georgimama · 22/12/2010 21:22

OK, well I haven't subjected her to a sputum test, I admit. However she is ill, I am pregnant, and I have no intention of going near her until she is not ill.

Hmm
expatinscotland · 22/12/2010 21:24

A wise plan, Georgi. I wouldn't, either, and I'm not pregnant.

If I were ill myself though I wouldn't dream of visiting my father or ILs, all of whom are in poor health and elderly.

pastaplease · 22/12/2010 21:32

Sorry, haven't read all of the posts, but YABU.

A baby with a cold and you with possibly a cold is not a good reason to avoid visiting anyone, particularly ill people.

Casmama · 22/12/2010 21:36

I think you need to talk to your dh about it and explain your concerns and see what he thinks. I cannot believe that some people think it would be acceptable for your dh to leave his rough feeling pregnant wife and his ill daughter on her first christmas - mental.
Hope you both feel better whatever you decide.

Heifer · 22/12/2010 22:12

I would suggest to my DH that he goes on Boxing day or the day after. That way you get to spend Christmas day together but he gets to spend some of Christmas with his parents.

But then tbh neither DH or I have any parents living, so I would move heaven and earth to spend time with them...

TrailMix · 22/12/2010 22:20

Don't go if you're ill and don't want to. Explain to in-laws how sorry you are to miss it, and arrange to come to them a few days later. Maybe for New Year? Could DH go to his parents on Boxing Day?

BitOfFun · 23/12/2010 00:34

"A baby with a cold and you with possibly a cold is not a good reason to avoid visiting anyone, particularly ill people."

It is if they are immuno-supressed and due for surgery.

supersalstrawberry · 23/12/2010 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackeyedsusan · 23/12/2010 01:00

Don't go til you are all better. they can still do Christmas with you aa couple of days late. If you turn out to be too ill to travel yourself (some people are vvvsick in pg and trvelling is not an option) do send dh after christmas. Get him to ring them on christmas day instead and let dd do funny huffy breathing down the phone, they will love it.

EmmaBemma · 23/12/2010 05:57

The OP said surgery in the new year, not in the next few days. It could be in late January or something. I'm sure her in-laws would have been briefed about avoiding infections if the surgeries were any time very soon.

notevenachristmousie · 23/12/2010 06:06

Your baby doesn't have flu if she's on antibiotics.

I wouldn't be denying anyone anything, tbh - let him go if he wants, you'll cope because you'll have to.

theevildead2 · 23/12/2010 06:18

I'm suprised so many people are telling you to go! I couldn't have spent 5 hrs in a car during my morning sickness. It would have been pure fucking hell. I was on a bus for hour and I actually wanted to die.

I also wouldn't risk your PIL getting flu if you and the baby aren't well.

And think it is inappropriate, the weather being as changeable as it, for a pregnant woman and a baby to be on the roads if they don't HAVE to be.

Your husband can go in the new year when you are all feeling better. Or even when your PIL have their surgeries to help them recover.

Polgara2 · 23/12/2010 08:21

What the evildead2 just said!
I spent most of my tme with morning sickness actually wanting to die and that just was lying on the couch!
Don't go - it's not fair on you, the baby or the elderly inlaws.

porcamiseria · 23/12/2010 08:28

go, please. his parents wont be around forever

AnonEnormousStuffedBird · 23/12/2010 08:33

Will you get looked after/help with baby once you get there? More hands and all that???

LadyBiscuit · 23/12/2010 08:34

I think you should go. Being pregnant isn't a reason to cancel the Christmas visit they were looking forward to

gorionine · 23/12/2010 08:39

I was going to say maybe try to all go but I think people who mentionned your ILS immunity before their operations might have a good point.

I would let him go though. I was just thinking about the many times DH was away for work for days on end while I was either pregnant or poorly or both, not fun but you will get throough it I think family somehow is more important even and on balance (although I can hear choirs of people shouting "OP is his family now!"Grin). I do not think that " Do your ILs have any other family nearby that could spend Christmas with them?" is relevant in the sense your DH would really want to be there for them and on balance they might need him more than you need him, even if it does not feel that way for you.

Saying that, you have to be really clear with him as to how you feel and really clear with yourself that you are not going to "feel bad" after if he indeed stays home with you. The compromise to spend Christmas with you and go there for new year(just a few days "late")from Theevildead2 is quite a good one.

MrsGravy · 23/12/2010 08:44

I am amazed people think you should go! No way would I drag an ill baby on a 5 hr car journey and risk infecting ILs who are due operations, no way! They have family near them so won't be alone. And I see no desperate urgency for your DH to go alone either - sounds like you and the baby need him more. Have your inlaws got pc/laptop? Maybe arrange to skype/chat via webcam ib xmas day so they get to see the little one with her pressies. Then arrange to go down there as soon as you are all well enough. Maybe your DH could go alone when they are out of hospital to help look after them?