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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to deny DH a trip home to visit ill parents?

96 replies

ItchyTits · 22/12/2010 19:53

Our DD is 9 months old, and ill with some kind of baby flu that's going around. She's on anti-biotics but really whingey.

I've just found out I'm about 10 weeks pregnant, and shattered, and maybe coming down with a cold.

The in-laws are 5 hours away and the weather is unpredictable, as we all know. It's mainly on motorways but severely cold at our destination.

The in laws are looking forward to this, and both are due surgery in the new year. They're very kind and have taken off the pressure, but I know how much DH wants to go 'home'

It doesn't help that my mum died a couple of years ago and things with my own family are remarkably hard at the moment.

Please don't suggest he goes alone. I don't imagine he'd even consider it and I'm not sure I could manage a Christmas with the ill baby.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 23/12/2010 08:45

When would he be seeing his parents otherwise? You know whats its like to lose a preant, as do I, I would hate to have missed my last chrstmas with my dad. I think you should leave it to him to decide if he wants to go. If he did go, what would you do for xmas?

PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo · 23/12/2010 08:54

My own parents have health issues such that there have been times when we have had to cancel visits because of the risk of infection previous to or soon after an important medical procedure. Our POV is that they could catch anything just by using public transport, si it would be unreasonable not to visit just because a dgc had a cold, but OTOH it would be foolish to knowingly expose them to something worse only a week or two before/after a vulnerable procedure.

If the OP's IL's procedures are in less than 3w time, I wouldn't go.

Nor would I go if the baby is running a temperature.

There's no point staying in a hotel, when the dgc will still be in the IL's home and being cuddled etc.

Birdly · 23/12/2010 09:07

Stay at home!

A 5-hour journey is no fun for a 9-month-old at the best of times, let alone one who's poorly.

A 5-hour journey is also no fun for a poorly pregnant you!

Your visit could well end up being no fun for your in-laws too if their much-needed operations are cancelled - which they will be if they are the slightest bit poorly. If they are cancelled, how long will they have to wait for another slot?

The roads are treacherous, the weather is freezing. 5 hours is best case scenario - are you prepared for it to take twice as long? With your poorly baby?

I really (really!) do understand how hard it is when parents are ill, but they are not alone - they have other relatives close by.

In another week or so you might all feel much better and be able to enjoy the trip without any of this unnecessary worry. If not, your DH can go on his own. Job done! Xmas Grin

TheTimesMNer · 23/12/2010 09:09

I think either your DH goes alone or with you all once your baby is better.

sayithowitis · 23/12/2010 09:26

I don't think this is anything to do with the OP feeling poorly or the baby having a 'baby flu'. She has said she is shattered, not feeling ill. There is a difference. ( I suffered with severe hyper-emesis for the entire length of both pregnancies and spent about four months in hospital each time on a drip because I was so severely de-hydrated, so I do know how it feels and I sympathise with anyone going through sickness, however Op did not mention anything like that). Also, babies do tend to recover fairly quickly from these bugs once the antibiotics get to work, so I don't see that as an issue. The roads? Well, without knowing exactly where OP is based and her destination, I can only echo what others have said, and she herself intimated, that the motorways are generally better than local roads.

I think this is all about the fact that her own mother sadly died fairly recently and she probably thinks it will be hard to be part of a 'happy family Christmas' when that is clearly not going to happen for her with her own family. I am not saying she is jealous, I am saying that she realises she is going to find it hard and is trying to avoid it. I certainly found that it wasn't so much the first year after my Dad died that was the hardest, it was the following one, because by then everything else is sort of ticking along and suddenly up pops Christmas with all its family orientated connotations that just remind you every day that there is one less present to buy, one less dinner to cook and one more person to add to the 'absent friends' toast at the dinner table. Being newly pregnant is going to make it more noticeable. After all, what woman doesn't want to share their pregnancy news with their own mother ( toxicity aside)? And It is painful watching the other GPs fuss over the baby when all you really want it for your own mother to be there to have her share of the cuddles. But sadly, it can't happen. I think the illness, the roads etc are a red herring. I would say go, confront your demons because if you don't do it this year you will find it even harder to do it next year with a new baby. And think how your DH is going to feel if this turns out to be the last Christmas he spends with either parent and you stopped himn from going. How would you have felt if the tables were turned?

Newmumlondon · 23/12/2010 10:43

I don't really agree that there's any subconscious avoidance going on (and I lost my mum at a young age so I understand what it's like). I imagine that with both PIL ill it is unlikely that it's going to be a normal Christmas there either.

I think that it's insane to go with the weather as unpredictable as it's been and OP has already said it is very cold at the destination. She's at an early stage of pregnancy, when things can go wrong easily, she's ill, her daughter is ill and it's a 5 hour drive (which could turn into a 15 hour drive, never mind that the motorways are OK, presumably she will have to leave the motorway at some point and go onto minor roads and people have been trapped for hours 2 miles away from home) and her PIL are ill and about to have serious operations which could be set back if they pick up the daughter (or OPs) colds. It's a terrible shame, but it makes sense to make the trip after Christmas when everyone is better and the journey is safer. DH leaving OP on her own at Christmas, with a difficult family situation, 10 weeks pregnant and with an ill DD isn't an option.

Yes being pregnant isn't a reason not to go in itself (although I felt absolutely awful at 10 weeks pregnant, it was one of the worst points for me) but add it to the other numerous reasons not to go and it seems like a no-brainer!!

Hope you have a good Christmas regardless of all these setbacks OP Smile

ladydeedy · 23/12/2010 10:56

the weather forecasts show that things are getting better and if that is the case where you are/the route you are planning, then you should go.
I know you might be feeling under the weather and the baby has "flu" (?) but I think you know deep down you are being a bit unreasonable.

MollysChambers · 23/12/2010 11:01

I would go. And have done in similar circumstances. Except my journey is much longer. Sorry.

minipie · 23/12/2010 11:11

Haven't read entire thread but surely the most sensible thing is to delay your visit until the baby is well again (but before their operations)?

If she's well by christmas then go, if not then postpone visit.

You would not want them to catch flu from the baby, or for the baby to be made worse by travelling.

And they will have other visitors on christmas day so it's not like they will be alone.

expatinscotland · 23/12/2010 11:21

Emma, people in ill health can catch things others throw off quite readily and be ill for months.

My baby son had swine flu and wasn't very ill.

But I felt it a great deal more, was sicker for longer.

expatinscotland · 23/12/2010 11:26

exactly, sally.

it's stunningly cold out there. give the baby a chance to recover.

we make a very long journey to see my family every year, involving trans-continental flights with three young children.

but if one of us were really ill we'd delay as knowingly exposing my father, who also has heart disease (he had a triple bypass after a second heart attack in the past and has a stent in place), to something nasty could kill him.

my mother has COPD now and her lungs really aren't in the best of conditions, either.

Original poster
ItchyTits · 23/12/2010 11:48

Dear all

Thank you so much for your posts. It's been enormously helpful not to simply toss the issue back and forth between the two of us, punctuated only by the baby's coughing.

Sorry to be a bit dramatic, she hasn't got flu, but a mild chest infection which is now in an ear. She's off her food, other than breast milk, which is regularly thrown back up. (Mainly over me, which isn't helping my bunged up, hormonal mood!)

I'm glad to say that DH has said he doesn't feel comfortable taking the baby on the potentially perilous journey, but we'll keep our eyes out for better weather and hope to see the ILs over the next week or so.

FYI The journey is from the South East to the North West of England, where in FIL's words the local conditions are "treacherous". I guess it's only a day after all. and with all the other relatives being so close to one another, they'll all be there if we come a week later.

Bring on the thaw!

Thanks and merry christmas everyone xx

OP posts:
HalfTermHero · 23/12/2010 12:01

I am sorry to say that YABU. If, God forbid, Dh's parent's health complications were to kill them in tghe coming year then he would never forgive you for denying him a last Christmas trip to see them. Dh should go alone. We can't always have what we would ideally like, hard as it may be. Sometimes the needs of others should come first.

swanandduck · 23/12/2010 12:22

Bit harsh HalfTerm. The OP said they gope to get up to her ILs in the next week or so.

swanandduck · 23/12/2010 12:22

HOPE

HalfTermHero · 23/12/2010 12:46

Agree that it is a bit harsh but personally, I would not want to risk being the one to stop my dh seeing his sick parents at Chritms time. Op and her dh will hopefully have many more happy chrismas times together. It does not hurt to go out of your way for other people once in a while.

allnightlong · 23/12/2010 12:52

YABU plus you don't get to deny your husband anything FFS he's an ADULT a relationship is meant to be a partnership not a dictatorship.
How would you have felt in had been you in that position, how highly would you think of your DH then?

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 23/12/2010 12:53

HalfTerm - But what if taking a poorly baby to visit the ILs results in an illness that then leads to complications? I think you're being a bit unfair on the OP really.

Taking the trip next week when, hopefully, the weather is a bit better surely makes more sense than risking the health of the ILs?

BitOfFun · 23/12/2010 12:55

Move along folks, nothing to see here...

Merry Christmas to you too, and fingers crossed for a visit over the season once health and weather improve.

Hulababy · 23/12/2010 12:57

I don't think your DH should go alone, meaning you and the baby spend Christmas Day alone!

If your baby is ill I wouldn't recommend a 5 hour drive either.

Also bear in mind that your ILs are due to have surgery. If they get ill, caught from your baby or you, then surgery will have to be delayed.

Of course your DH would like to see his parents. But his baby is ill and his pregnant wife needs his support over Christmas.

There is no way ever my DH would spend Christmas away from us.

HalfTermHero · 23/12/2010 13:00

Jingle, I have already mentioned in a post above that only the dh should go and visit. But, each to their own. If OP can live with her decision then I certainly can! It is up to her and dh at the end of the day.

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 23/12/2010 13:09

HalfTerm - I must have missed your post. Apologies.

LadyBiscuit · 23/12/2010 13:16

Glad you've come to a decision you're both in agreement with. Happy Christmas to you too :)

5GoldenFimbos · 23/12/2010 13:22

God no, you are not being unreasonable at all. My elderly parents are 8 hrs drive away from us and will be on their own this Christmas. Yes I feel guilty but 3 of us in this house currently have flu and driving conditions are not good at the moment.

expatinscotland · 23/12/2010 13:26

What's the difference between Christmas and any other day? 'Oh, he didn't seem that at Christmas,' it's not the second coming, ffs.

It's one day.

I don't see my own father at Christmas despite his ill health because it's 5000 miles away and the risk of travelling with 3 young children and getting stuck somewhere is too great, also the risk that they'll be ill themselves.

Neither one of us beats the other or ourselves up over that. It's one bloody day.

We go all summer instead - better weather, longer time there, less chance of getting stuck.

He may live another 20 years, he may die tomorrow.

So might I.

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