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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to deny DH a trip home to visit ill parents?

96 replies

ItchyTits · 22/12/2010 19:53

Our DD is 9 months old, and ill with some kind of baby flu that's going around. She's on anti-biotics but really whingey.

I've just found out I'm about 10 weeks pregnant, and shattered, and maybe coming down with a cold.

The in-laws are 5 hours away and the weather is unpredictable, as we all know. It's mainly on motorways but severely cold at our destination.

The in laws are looking forward to this, and both are due surgery in the new year. They're very kind and have taken off the pressure, but I know how much DH wants to go 'home'

It doesn't help that my mum died a couple of years ago and things with my own family are remarkably hard at the moment.

Please don't suggest he goes alone. I don't imagine he'd even consider it and I'm not sure I could manage a Christmas with the ill baby.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Silver1 · 23/12/2010 13:35

Itchytits it sounds like everyone is humoring you, and fitting excuses around it- I hope you are grateful and can "recover" now ready for a happy visit.
FWIW it does seem to be all about your wants, and your desire to avoid a Christmas with his family that you can't have with yours.
Your in-laws have done a marvelous job with him for him to be so considerate, and hopefully he will do just as well with your little ones in the future- you can't avoid a family christmas forever though, or your kids will resent you.

Fernie3 · 23/12/2010 13:38

I wouldn't go my mum had heart problems and a cold or flu was very very serious.

Stay home, have Christmas just you your partner and baby then visit in the new year.

expatinscotland · 23/12/2010 13:47

What a mean-spirited and horrid post, Silver.

If I were her husband I'd stay with my wife over my parents any time.

They'd totally understand that, I would, too, if I am so blessed that my own children marry and have their own children.

I hope they start spending Christmas with their own families and I'll come visit myself instead of expecting them to drag their kids to mine. We had to do that every year growing up as both my parents' families lived 200 miles away and me and my sister hated it.

We wanted Christmas in our own home.

I'd never ever willingly expose my father to even so much as a cold just because it's fucking Christmas or any other time.

He gets pneumonia so easily now.

And my mother's lungs are just horrid these days as well, she's on all kinds of drugs.

That's why we see them in summer when it's less likely the wee ones will be ill.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 23/12/2010 13:50

Ah, but it's tradition in the South West USA, isn't it Expat? There's more of being deferential to older relatives, so you schlep the kids around.

Mobly · 23/12/2010 13:51

Well I think you've done the right thing Itchy and I would expect a good father and partner to want to spend Christmas day with his immediate family- especially while you are pregnant and baby is ill.

It is silly to risk passing on a chest infection (which can turn to pneumonia and kill!) to an elderly person.

I don't understand why people think you are dictating to your DH either- you don't come across at all like that IMO- think some people have issues.

It's not like you won't be seeing them before their ops anyway is it? They won't be alone and you will be seeing them as soon as baby is better.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope your baby is better soon and that you have a lovely xmas and new year.

expatinscotland · 23/12/2010 13:55

We fucking hated it, ilove. Having to pack everything up. My mother secretly hated it, too. We used to beg to stay home every year.

Once my mom's father died, when I was 12, her mother started coming to ours for the week of Christmas and we could stay home.

We'd to see my dad's side on Boxing Day or the 27th and stay a few days, or do New Year's there.

Much better!

begonyabampot · 23/12/2010 14:02

we used to make the 400 mile journey every Christmas, Family split up and staying in different houses as there was no room etc. Now we stay at home (shame we don't see family on Christmas Day), it's what the kids want and much less stressful.

OP - YANBU - surely his parents wouldn't want him leaving his family behind to spend Christmas day with them. Putting the trip back a little until people are feeling better, driving conditions are better is reasonable. Have a lovely Christmas.

expatinscotland · 23/12/2010 14:10

If the roads were treacherous, there's no way I'd let my son or daughter risk my grandchild, or themselves, coming to see me.

begonyabampot · 23/12/2010 14:11

Other thing, this time of year your journey time could be doubled. Our 5 hr trip last year took 9 hours there and back - it was horrible and we were well , not travelling with babies etc.

mohara · 23/12/2010 14:11

OP YANBU. Ill baby (no matter how serious) would be enough reason not to travel (and I am sure your ILs would agree). Add to that, that you are pregnant and feeling miserable, and you are right to stay at home together.....and that is before you even consider how bad the weather is!

I am a bit that some people have been saying that YABU......am sure your ILs would LOVE to see you all for Christmas, but it IS just one day......wait until the weather is better and I am sure you will all have a fantastic time together. After all, some police forces are still advising only essential travel and I think you need to take their advice!

As for your DH, he sounds lovely-you have made your own family together, and whilst I am sure he adores his parents and SO wants to be with them for Christmas, my feeling is that he should be supporting you and your little one at this time.

Hope it all works out, that you and your little one start to feel a bit better, that you eventually have your family get-together, and of course that your ILs have safe surgery.

coccyx · 23/12/2010 14:32

Crack on with it. Do the in laws go out of their home?? Exposed to bugs all over the place. 10 weeks pregnant.... and ??? have a kip and let grandparents help out

PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo · 23/12/2010 15:06

I can't help wondering whether some of the people who are saying Itchy should go, have ever been in the position of having endangered an elderly parent or IL by exposing them to a poorly grandchild. I can tell you from personal experience that it's a SHIT position to be in.

My father caught chickenpox from dd. I should have fled the house with her the moment I saw the first spot, before df walked in the door, but I wasn't sure it was cp and stayed for some hours. For a man in my df's condition, cp has 25% mortality rate. We were lucky. But earlier this year we stayed away from one family event because we weren't sure that ds2 had stopped being infectious, and months later my parents stayed away from his birthday party because cp was ripping through our friends' families again.

There are some risks that are just not worth taking.

NotAnotherNewNappy · 23/12/2010 15:11

I'd postpone it until your DD was better and perhaps go for New Year instead. Like others have posted, taking an infectious baby into a house with vulnerable old people is not a great idea and the PIL have other family nearby.

Also, I think YANBU to want to have a reasonably enjoyable Christmas yourself - i.e. without being stuck in a car in bad weather conditions for five hours with a poorly baby and a being in the exhausting first stages of pregnancy,

ilovemydogandMrObama · 23/12/2010 15:21

We hated it too, but then again no one wanted to upset the matriarch. She made the best tamales

Silver1 · 24/12/2010 01:30

Of course it is expat, because it disagrees with you.

But you know what, nothing in the OPs replies suggests this is about anyone but her.

TechnoKitten · 24/12/2010 02:47

I wouldn't let the dodgy roads stop me, or the early pregnancy - driving carefully takes care of the first, letting DH do the driving takes care of the second.

And if it was just baby with a rattly chest on ABs with MIL going for hip replacement I wouldn't let that stop me either. Reason being - if MIL catches anything, it'll be gone before her hip operation (unless she's due to go in the first week of Jan!) and hips are mostly done with spinals anyway (and I don't delay people who are recovering from coughs and colds as long as they are improving).

What would stop me is FIL and his heart valve. You don't say which valve it is or why it's being replaced but there are some valve conditions that I wouldn't go a million miles near with a snotty baby.

So. You are and you aren't being unreasonable :) some of your arguments did smack a little of "I don't really want to go and this is a good excuse" (bearing in mind you've already said things with your own family are difficult this year, it's very understandable why you wouldn't want to immerse yourself in someone else's) (even when they are your family now too). However I would avoid FIL until your baby is fully over her chest infection.

No reason why you can't go up in a week or so when DD is better, the roads are either better or salted at least and all have a jolly time.

TheTimesMNer · 24/12/2010 12:05

You wouldn't let dodgy roads stop you? Really? Fancy a car crash do you? There's no way my dcs would be going on an unnecessary road journey in this weather. Visiting relatives is not necessary. And it's not about careful driving it's all the other twats on the road that would bother me.

ABs mean infection BTW....

edam · 24/12/2010 12:11

Agree with everyone who says most important reason not to go is FIL's op and not exposing him to infection just before it. Wait until baby is better.

Hope you and the ILs have a very Merry Christmas and manage to get together at some point when dd is better!

begonyabampot · 24/12/2010 13:04

and remember most journeys, especially in this weather, at this time of year take much longer. A usual 5 hr trip could easily be 9 or 10 hrs. Bad road conditions, mother with bad pregnancy sickness, poorly baby, Christmas traffic, parents who don't need to catch any infections before surgery. And people still think you are just being silly and selfish.

Hulababy · 24/12/2010 22:29

So, Silver - curious - you'd be happy to let the baby (or the OP for that matter as she appears to also be habouring a bug) pass on her illness to the eldery grandparents thus endangering their chances of having their much needed ops?

Original poster

ItchyTits · 10/01/2011 05:40

Thanks to everyone who offered support at a really hard time. I guess that posting on here can also open up the possibility of criticism, which only fuelled my own self-doubt. People put plenty of pressure on about Christmas and I wanted to please everyone who knew exactly what they wanted from us.

We didn't go for Christmas and it was completely 'right' for us. In the end, the 5 hour journey took 7 hours simply because DD needed a couple of breaks. If she'd still been ill, it would've been hellish.

We were able to spend quality time with nearly everyone we'd planned to see, and especially the grandparents (who really brought DD a great deal of laughter) and I got some rest - thanks to the poster who suggested and supported that idea.

Thanks and Happy New Year x

OP posts:

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