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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just have ONE child?

179 replies

FuturePM · 20/12/2010 20:27

Why are some women so unbelievably touchy that a woman may choose to only have one child?

They appear to get huffy as though I am wasting my womb. I am happy with one child, and I don't understand what the problem is?

AIBU to only want and have one child?

OP posts:
huffythethreadslayer · 21/12/2010 13:08

I was abused as a child. I was one of 6. We all laugh about our mum & dad now and we can see why things were the way there were. Anyone listening to our anectdotes would think we had a rare old time. That's cos we don't talk about the bad stuff at all.

I did want a family with 3 children, ideally, but we ended up with one. Threads like this make me really sad because they focus on the negatives of being an only.

DD is nearly 10. She shares just fine. I took her out with two friends who have siblings and she spent less money than either of them, even though I'd given her free reign, so that doesn't tie in with the greedy/spoilt myth. That might be because she generally gets what she wants so she doesn't ask for everything, so perhaps in that respect she's spoilt

She has a large and varied friendship group. She's socially confident. She says she'd like a younger sibling in the way she says she'd like a dog (which she can't have because I have allergies) ir another rabbit (which seeing as we have 2 already is just greedy!).

I've just asked her if being an only makes her miserable or bored, because some mums on here are saying it does. She said no with a puzzled expression on her face. She says I love her, she loves me, that's all that matters.

One can be as delightful as 2 or 3 or as obnoxious. Judging people on family size is really quite bonkers.

washngo · 21/12/2010 13:16

Not being unreasonable OP - the only people who have a say in how many children you have are you and your DP.

However, I must admit to being ahystericalpregnantwoman upset when I went into a shop when heavily pregnant with DD, carrying my 2 year old DS in my arms as he had just had a tantrum. I struggled into the shop, and was greeted by the person behind the till who said, "ooh not long to go now is it.." then she turned to DS and said "make the most of your mummy now". I then said "Well i'm pretty grumpy and miserable due to extended morning sickness so he's probably fed up with me!" She then looked at my DS and gave him a piece of shortbread, and said to him "better a grumpy mummy than a shared mummy". I was a little taken aback by this. She then proceeded to tell me how much her daughter (an only child) loves being the only one. So people can be insensitive in every situation i think...

Fibilou · 21/12/2010 13:20

we are only having one. i only ever wanted one daughter and was lucky enough to get her 1st go. Yet people still insist I will change my mind despite the fact that I am 35 and quite old enough to know my own mind. And try to persuade me that somehow having an only child is bad - despite the fact that I am an only child myself.

Really, really annoying. I don't question why on earth they decided to have 2+ children so why is my decision fair game ?

SantosLHalper · 21/12/2010 13:35

"How to survive being an only one" That website is appalling!

I am an only one, and was perfectly happy child being only one. So much so my dd is now an only one.

I am disgusted that some of you still fall for the ludicrous stereotypes.

LostInTheSnowAgain · 21/12/2010 13:53

My DM has told me that I MUST have more than one, preferably one of each gender. I'm not sure how she expects me to manage that but like her opinions on Bfing I ignore it take it with a pinch of salt!

Fibilou · 21/12/2010 13:54

NW20 - that is your experience. I am an only child, am friends with several only children and NONE of us ever wanted a sibling. I have an extremely close relationship with my mother as a result and could not have borne sharing her with anyone.

The point I'm trying to make is that all families have different experiences of growing up. Some people like being an only child, some don't. Some are glad for siblings, others wish they'd never had them. What you should not be doing is saying to someone that having an only child is wrong because of your experience.

MissFit · 21/12/2010 13:59

Everyone I know has 2 children. Usually with a 2 year age gap. It's so dull and unoriginal. It's like they can't think for themselves so just do whatever everyone else is doing.

There you go - we've now criticised:
parents with 1 child
parents with many children

and I've just completed the thread by criticising the parents with 2.

Everyone now feels shit about their choices so can we call it a day now? Grin

Fibilou · 21/12/2010 13:59

"it's thinking of the future as well not just when they are children. Might be depressing but when my mum fell ill and was dying - my brother and sister all rallied round and without each others support it would have been a hundred times worse- the thought of having to deal with my parents illnesses/deaths on my own is horrible. My poor friend had to go through the exact same with her mother at the same time but all on her own"

Yeah, so did my Dad with my grandmother. His brother wasn't interested. Having a sibling really helped him there Hmm

At least when my parents get old and frail I won't be expecting anyone to help, I know it's just me. I won't have to spend the years afterwards feeling resentful that my sibling couldn't be bothered to pull his weight, despite being a single man with no commitments as my uncle was

Fibilou · 21/12/2010 14:09

This "So basically if you are just choosing to have only one, without good reason, then YABU and selfish and not acting in your existing child's best interests."

is shit and I am going to give it the contempt it deserves

begonyabampot · 21/12/2010 17:20

Fibilou - I don't care how many children someone has, just that it can be good to weigh up the pros and cons and how things can affect them whether they are only children or have siblings - people often just think of the early years not what will happen when your child is all grown up and if you have siblings you can rely on and are close to with extended family etc then that can be a blessing and less pressure for the parent knowing they won't be left on their own. Of course not all siblings get on and family quarrels/issues between siblings a can be hell I just find it surprising that people don't always think of all these things when they plan their family.

TBH - you sound as though you have a few issues yourself,

'I am an only child, am friends with several only children and NONE of us ever wanted a sibling. I have an extremely close relationship with my mother as a result and could not have borne sharing her with anyone.'

'we are only having one. i only ever wanted one daughter and was lucky enough to get her 1st go.'

SantosLHalper · 21/12/2010 18:01

Begon,
There are far bigger things in childhood and life that determine how we grow up and who we are than wether we are single child or one of many. Some people have siblings they never see or despise, some single children have family members as close as siblings.

To generalise and stereotype is ignorant.

begonyabampot · 21/12/2010 18:05

Santos, I didn't generalise or stereotype. I said siblings can be a blessing AND can be hell if you don't get on.

libelulle · 21/12/2010 19:18

Of all the gratuitous insults to those with one, two, three, four or more kids on this thread, I think OneTwoBaubleMySanta 's one stands out - 'Those of you with bad experiences as an only well I can only assume you had crap parents and would have felt that way with siblings also.' WTF? Let's hope your child never asks for a sibling, as apparently that will make you a rubbish mother?! I had a happy childhood, full of company and laughter. But my mother couldn't have any more children, and yes that was a sadness for our family. If you have an only not by choice, then it's hardly unreasonable to feel that as a negative thing!

Original poster
FuturePM · 21/12/2010 22:10

Wow, I didn't mean to open a can of worms. I didn't mean to cause the fight of only child VS several !!

But for those of you that say "who cares?"...many people, checkout workers, the health visitor, sorry to say it, older women, inlaws...always asking when I'm having more, and when I'm saying not they are mortified. SO yes it does happen, and no it isn't any of their business. I'm just made to feel like I haven't contributed to society. I'm 24 and married, so I guess being so young, if I had 5 children..they would presume I was having too many. I guess it's a no win situation. Thanks to those shining lights on their experiences, I hadn't really considered whether or not my son would be lonely growing up and I appreciate those who are only children throwing their 2 pence in, opened my eyes a little bit!

OP posts:
Blu · 21/12/2010 22:14

Those of you who were unhappy as only children seem to describve childhoods where you felt alienated, outnumbered an not reallly included.

Take these phrases from Darlene's post:

"My Mum says having me put her off having any more! She was so determined not to have any more she had at least one abortion I'm aware of.
There is that feeling of 'having to be best at everything' because there are no siblings to share the parents ambitions/expectations with.

My parents seemed to think that everyone else's Dcs were perfect.. If they had had another child to compare me to they would have realised that I was actually a very good, well behaved child."

or glub:

" the kids have to tag along and you're expected to put up and shut up. was always the odd one out the gooseberry to my parents. it was me against them and they were right and i was wrong

I was always in the minority in my house- it was always 2 adults against 1 child. It would have been great to have someone else 'on my side' "

Then Glub says:"I would be very sorry if any child felt like that, only or sibling. "

And yes, of course, because children should not feel like unwanted spare parts in ther own homes.

I am the parent of an only child, he is loved, wanted, included, perfect. Not 'perfect' in the sense that he is perfect and can do no wrong, but as Glub says i would be broken hearted if any child of one, how ever many I ghad, felt ganged up on, unjustly treated, opresse, compared badly tootehr children, or god forbid, that his very existence had made e not wnat more children.

In the past with less access to reliable contraception, life options, abortion, many women had children when perhaps they would have been happier not doing!

I work really hard to make sure DS has a close well supported social life. I have all the neighbouring famililes to play, we are part of a close community and I LIKE children so welcome many of all ages into our home. It is useful to listen to the less positive things about being an only, so that I can pre-plan. dp and i will take care of our affairs as best we can in advance: I do think the old age thing is an issue...but when I look at DS, so happy and fulfilled and expressing joy with his life on a daily basis (and he's ALWAYS been very good at sharing) I can't think 'oh, he'd rather not have been born than been born an only !

As parents we all (most of us) strive to do whatever we can to make our children happy.

scottishmummy · 21/12/2010 22:15

that's the thing about being parent you become public property people are compelled to tell you their opinion about your life/parenting

you grow a thicker skin and practise your im listening face.whilst actually thinking blah blah blah

Blu · 21/12/2010 22:18

FuturePM - look up the recent research that indicates that over a wide range of indices, on average, only children are slightly happier than those with siblings.

Of course that esearch wouldn't be a reason not to have more kids if you wanted them.

If you feel your family is complete, happy and fulfilled with one child then it almost certainly IS!

scottishmummy · 21/12/2010 22:19

tbh no one else can advise you the right number of children,

Blu · 21/12/2010 22:21

Exactly!

perfectstorm · 21/12/2010 22:26

I think it's a bit bonkers tbh. For every family I know where the siblings adore each other I know another where the loathing is intense, even in their 30s and beyond. So why care?

Women get into fights over whether to baby-led wean or use purees, too. I just... I remember the first time I read that type of thread. My jaw was on the floor.

I don't get it. My only judgey thing is people who think smacking is a good idea (loads of people I know smack very occasionally from frustration, and that I totally do understand - especially if they have more than one child....). Otherwise I am just, meh, love 'em and try your best, and they'll probably turn out okay.

Megletitsnow · 21/12/2010 22:27

YANBU.

I have 2 and can understand why people stick at 1, don't have any at all or have an entire football team.

garrowismylaw · 21/12/2010 22:35

I have 3 but honestly envy those with 1. yoiu can devote 100% of yourself to them.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/12/2010 22:35

Well, I am an only, and my mum wanted more, but after a miscarriage, a molar pregnancy and 2 stillborn babies, she called it a day Sad

Yeah, I wanted siblings, but actually I had a fantastic childhood, was very close to my parents (still very close to my dad, mum sadly died) I am a person who has learned to love my own company, but am still very sociable. I had all sorts of (mainly financial) advantages that I wouldn't have had had my siblings lived.

I have 3 dc. It upsets me to see how little they sometimes seem to appreciate each other. They squabble and bicker and can be downright nasty to one another ( they are only 7, 5 and 3, so not necessarily the way it will always be!) DH, who has a sister that he isn't particularly close to says this is normal.

Pros and cons in every situation, tbh. And your choices are your own- I've had strangers telling me that I "wouldn't want any more" (which actually I wouldn't, but erm, none of their business, really!)

enjolraslove · 22/12/2010 01:04

There are no terrible family set ups (or wonderful ones), be it 2.4 kids, 1 kid, 1 parent, no kids, step-parents, foster kids etc, etc. but there are -terrible- less than perfect people and wonderful ones. Whatever makes you happy ( and doesn't hurt anyone) will be great and is your choice. Oh crikey I just became -my parents- a hippy!

enjolraslove · 22/12/2010 01:06

Sorry thought I had he strike through down but obviously not.