to just have ONE child?

[FuturePM]

Why are some women so unbelievably touchy that a woman may choose to only have one child?

They appear to get huffy as though I am wasting my womb. I am happy with one child, and I don't understand what the problem is?

AIBU to only want and have one child?

I'm so sorry that you have to hear such things,MrsDevere. I knew that people can be crass and insensitive in regards to the loss of a loved one,but that isn't just a case of not really knowing what to say,but complete and utter disregard for your feelings, for your dd,as well as a lack of common sense.
Do these people have a single braincell in their heads?

MrsDevere. I can't believe how rude/tactless people have been to you.

I hope it's because they want to talk to you and then get it wrong and go home and KICK themselves when they realised what they had said.

And having babies to get extra benefits? Or to help with their siblings.

OP I think YNBU. But lay off assumptions that women who have more than one child are fat/drained/stressed. I am still really hot.

I like to have them around. I can understand completely why somebody else wouldn't.

It depends on why you are only having one child imho!

I have two but 7 years apart and tried forever for both of them. For about 3 yrs after ds I had no desire for another. But actually it is much harder work imo having one and I started to realise what my ds would gain from having a sibling. Then it took a mc and 4 years of trying and then being happy as three when dd appeared from out of the blue and it's been good for us.

Now I know a lot of only children families and they are very very happy and well adjusted. In fact they are just as happy I think as families of all other sizes I know.

But I think it's to do with how well adjusted you are psychologically. i.e if you are a very neurotic parent I wonder whether it's harder for an only child than for one with a sibling. Families of three can be quite intense and the child can be on the receiving end of almost too much attention. I think the pressure on only children can be greater. The very stable, well adjusted, grown up mothers/parents I know make the best mothers of onlies. I think I'm fairly highly strung and having dd has chilled us all out strangely. She seems to have taken the lid of the pressure cooker of me, ds and dh.

I think it was in some ways harder work to have one than two. Practically two make more work but the holidays and the time they entertain each other is fantastic imo.

so to me, neither is better, it just depends on what kind of people are involved and what their strengths and weaknesses are. eg my close friend with an only daughter works very very hard to maintain a lot of contact with the girl's friends, holidays and all. This is quite a lot of work in its own way. An only child has varying social needs as they grow up and it's hard to tell how much effort will have to be made so they are not too much on their own or maybe too much with adults.
Having said that, everyone's different and some kids will be happier perhaps in the latter set up.

I think there can be a massive pressure on only children - I know I feel it with my mum, as her focus is almost entirely on me, instead of spread between brothers/sisters. Our relationship has suffered from my teens onwards as a consequence. I am also very aware that as she ages, there is no-one with whom I can share the care / worry about her and it's all down to me.

I did have a very happy childhood and wasn't lonely, but having had half-siblings in later years I've really come to value a family. I didn't really feel like part of a family before then. Just my personal experience.

I don't know if we'll be able to have a second, but I would dearly want one. But as someone else said earlier on the thread, siblings don't always get on and so the grass isn't always greener.

very good website about all aspects of being an only child and issues around that as adults etc

I'm an only, and for the most part I loved it. The bit I disliked the most was people telling me how unlucky I was not to have a brother or sister (happened pretty regularly as a child), and the assumption that I was a spoilt brat before the person judging had even met me. Both of those were caused by other peoples problems, not mine.

My friend and her brother (one year apart) have pretty much hated each other since the day the brother was born and they don't talk at all anymore and her relationship with her parents is also fairly strained now.

There aren't any guarantees and I think whether or not children are happy is more to do with the parents than anything else. You will find happy and unhappy onlies, and happy and unhappy children with siblings.

I only have one and don't give a stuff what others think. I come from a family of 8 children and so did not want that for my child. Never enough attention, money or space in our house when I was growing up. Remember this is only MY experience!
But the one thing that bugs me is that a lot of my friends with 3 or more children (not so much those with 2) always seem to have a go at me how easy my bloody life is?! Did I make you have 3+ children, not my fault that ds is now 6 and your youngest is still going through teething, sleepless nights, potty training etc.
It makes me feel like I am being selfish if I moan about something (or anything for that matter) as you do in a normal friendship makes it hard sometimes so I keep quiet and I think thats sad.

YANBU but I am most upset by your comment about older women age 48 to 54, at 48 you have just made me realise I am an older woman, how did that happen?
:(
I like having one DC, although I have three, I spaced them out one each decade is good.

You have a long time to change your mind.

That website is shocking.

Have attitudes not moved on at all? Onlies are becoming more the norm so why are we as parents made to feel like utter shit for choosing that path?

If I was to have another child I would end up being hospitilised, I would no doubt suffer from intense AND again and I can see my DD resenting the sibling that did that to her Mummy.

Those of you with bad experiences as an only well I can only assume you had crap parents and would have felt that way with siblings also.

This thread has made me very angry and I'm now hiding it.

I wanted a pony when I was a kid, I look back fondly now at how much more wonderful my life would have been if I'd had a pony and I would have happily traded my older brother in for a pony at the first opportunity.

I also quite fancied a twin (too much Sweet Valley High I suspect). Should I blame my parents for being so selfish as to not provide me with an identical twin?

Grass is always greener on the other side, and for all the people who feel their life is the worse for not having a sibling, there will be someone else who is thinking that their life would be immeasurably improved by being an only child. My DD is an only (although she's only 14 months) and TBH I'm happy with that. I feel te OP's pain though as I said this at a party at the weekend and hd a 15 minute lecture on "only child syndrome" from a smug mum of three.

FuturePM - obviously its your choice and no one else's business.

Incidentally the people I have met with only one child have all said that they wanted another it just didn't happen, so I am guessing that your view of only wanting one child is a minority one.

I guess therefore that the comments are because of this (its less usual).

My boss and his wife don't want to have kids at all (they are 36, been married for 15 years) and for some reason I find their choice difficult to understand. Another colleague has one child and I find it much easier to see why someone would want this.

Well this thread has managed to piss everyone off then.

Been incredibly rude to all of us fat, poor, desperate women who have baby after baby.

And distressed those who have 'only' one child for whatever reason.

Hurray for equal opportunities.

I have 4 children and find the comments are continuous wherever I go.

"You've got your hands full", "you must be mad/bonkers/insane" "don't you have a TV" "When will you stop", "do you just love babies", "do the older ones help out" "How do you stay so slim with 4 children", "are they all from the same father/all yours", and so on and so forth.

Sometimes when I am feeling tired/ill or harassed they do irritate me. And that's even more of a reason why I would never dream on commenting on other people's reproductive choices.

Of course there are pluses and minuses for everyone. I wouldn't change my reality the same as you wouldn't change yours.

god, not the tired old cliches about only children

they're not some sort of sub-species

yada, yada, yada

Is there a website for those of us who grew up as one of six to help us through the experience?

I agree with TheFoosa - the same tired old shit people trot out about only children in the same way they'd talk about alien children is so tedious.

You know what? My DS is a child. Just like your children are, those of you who want to judge us.

Think its your choice, within reason, how many children you have.
I never wanted only one, I have 4, and have to say I find it offensive to assume I am fat,frazzled and hard up. I am none of these

I had forgotten the 'do they all have the same father?' one. Why do strangers think its ok to ask that? My kids are mixed race so I suspect its a given that they all have different dads
That makes me sound as if I think people with children by different men are awful. I dont, honest. I just get sick of people taking it for granted I have.

I like to confuse them by saying.

No they dont, and one even has a different mother.

Having a lot of kids bought up some difficulties when I was pg. People always ask is this your first? Its a friendly sort of thing to say. I do it.
But when you say no - my 4th, 5th they are generally suprised and then like to know all the details i.e. genders, ages etc.

When you have lost a child this can be very hard. What do you do now? All boys? Well sort of but no - how old is the eldest, well 14 but really she would be 18.

How many people's days did I upset by saying boys 2,5,15 and I had a girl who would be 17 but she died.... or similar?

Anyway - bit of a hijack sorry but she is proper on my mind at the moment.

coccyx I bet you are well gorgeous and have tons of cash and loads of time to yourself and really well organised - just like me

I have one child. I LOVE having one child. She is happy being one child. Everyone who judges me for it is clearly an idiot. End of.

And if people choose to have 2, 3, 4 or more thats their choice also.

Its an odd thing to judge people on.

personal choice have as many as you wish.so long as they loved

What a horrible judgemental thread.

Really, who gives a shit?

Christ do we have to flagellate ourselves about this as well.

Fuck me.

WOHM/SAHM
Formula V BF
Controlled crying V attachment parenting

It doesn't matter. If you were a miserable only child, perhaps you would have been miserable anyway, even if you had 5 sisters.

As long as you love and cherish your children, it doesn't matter how many you have.

i have one dd, she is 15. I hade her very young and by the time I made some money and could afford another one I couldn't be arsed.

There is nothing wrong with that decision, just as there is nothing wrong with someone who chooses to have 6 kids. As long as you love them and treat them well. That, essentially, is the only important bit of mothering you can give your child. The rest of it is not as impirtant.

I wish these fucking stupid arguments about every aspect of every choice we make would just go away.

I know its a shame. It sort of started with a reasonable aibu but people cant resist being nasty about the 'other'.

Its like every thread I have seen by a younger mother who has had horrible things said to her by people for being too young.

three posts down someone will say 'yeah because old women dont have the energy to look after their kids do they'

or my favourite 'they are going to be dead before their kids are grown up'

Ditto on older mothers threads saying nasty things about chavvy young mums, bf v ff, sahm v wms etc etc.

FFS why do people care so much what other people do with their kids? If they are not actually abusing them (I dont mean the squeals of 'that is practially child abuse! we see on MNs if someone give their kid a pork pie or doesnt go to a school play because they find them boring).

spooky cross post *GOML)

I was a chavvy teenage mum myself, I have hear all sorts of daft comments.

I think if you set your mind to it you could go round with an enormous chip on your shoulder.

I am on another thread talking to other victims of child abuse, so to come on here and hear someone talk of 'surviving' being an only child because she didn't have any ready made playmates - well, it just takes the piss.

As you say MrsD, this thread had managed to alienate everyone.

Everything seems to be contentious to some people.

Maybe we could have a thread where the entire purpose is to take as much offence as possible to the previous post. At the end of the thread we can all judge who took best offence and they can win a week of no-consequences judging and ranting in AIBU.