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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just have ONE child?

179 replies

FuturePM · 20/12/2010 20:27

Why are some women so unbelievably touchy that a woman may choose to only have one child?

They appear to get huffy as though I am wasting my womb. I am happy with one child, and I don't understand what the problem is?

AIBU to only want and have one child?

OP posts:
carriedaxmaspudding · 20/12/2010 21:23

lol i didn't realise he was only 1.

gawd shes hasn't given you much chance has she.

Original poster
FuturePM · 20/12/2010 21:26

My breasts have hardly dried up (apologies for the crude-ness)!! But even now I can imagine some women say, ahhh well you say that now, wait until he's 3 you'll want more-not ever fully accepting I'm happy! It isn't even anything to do with a career and that I'm selfish to keep that up...I'm just satisfied :O

OP posts:
GoodChristianaRejoice · 20/12/2010 21:26

My DH thought he didn't want another child, he couldn't imagine giving more love than he did to DD

Then we had DD2. She has made my life complete and compounded my love for DD1

I strongly urge you to consider having another it is seriously the best best thing we have ever done

NW20 · 20/12/2010 21:26

Carried, my mother and I were close, she recently died after a long fight with cancer, which was exactly the time it would have been nice to have a brother or sister for support.
My father and I are close-ish.
I did tell my mother when I was younger that I always wanted a brother or sister and she was regretful that they never had another one.

I don't find people make assumptions of me as an adult but I do find that they assume I must have been a very spoilt child as I was the only one, which wasn't the case.

cardibach · 20/12/2010 21:31

Puppster did say I was sure you didn't mean to be critical Smile.

I am sorry you had an unhappy childhood and I know you aren't blaming parents who can only have one child. However, if you maintain that the child will be unhappy, it still makes it uncomfortable for parents of only children. You say you are prepared to admit it was your parents' desire for a second child that probably made you unhappy but fail to recognise the implication that therefore children whose parents don;t want another could be perfectly happy.

MrsSnaplegs · 20/12/2010 21:31

We asked DD 2 yrs ago when she was 3 - brother, sister or puppy (we already have 2 cats and a dog ) she chose puppy , she was due to get one this year when she was 5 after she has been "practising" her handling skills with our older dog. Unfortunately for her plans had to change as her brother arrived 10 days ago instead Grin
We had kind of decided we were only having 1 child after 2 yr of trying for no 2 was unsuccessful but then DS took us by surprise this year -not planned but very loved!! DD now knows she needs to wait for a few years for a puppy but is happy with her brother !

GoodChristianaRejoice · 20/12/2010 21:34

I'm so sorry I sounded like a complete and utter selfish cow up above. Please excuse me. I will ask to have it deleted.

Had an amazingly thoughtless moment and I beg your forgiveness

Megatron · 20/12/2010 21:35

Future, you actually sound as if you have rather an issue with larger families to be honest. You have as many children as you like and allow others to do the same without judgement from you. We have 2 and that's just right for us.

sausagelover · 20/12/2010 21:36

I get this all the time. DS is 22 mo so I don't know if he is happy an an only or not. but from my point of view, having multiple children looks like a bit of a struggle! At the moment we can give him all of our attention, we are not massively tight financially and we still have some sort of a social life. So I am feeling like we might just be happier with an only (all of us).

I was an only til my sister arrived when i was 12. i was perfectly happy with that, I felt really loved by all my family and like someone said up the thread, i really enjoyed adult company, as well as my own company. I had/have good friends too.

So YANBU. Being an only can be really good and it's not cruel at all.

carriedaxmaspudding · 20/12/2010 21:39

nw20 sorry to hear of the loss of your mumSad

ive have 2 brothers one of which is the golden boy who can do no wrong, it wasn't alot of fun being constanly compared, unfavorably to boy wonder[not his fault i know]

my mum was one of 6 and when her dad died and was ill she did everything none of the siblings helped.

i'm not saying theres no happy familes out there with more than one child, but just the ideal you may have is not always the case

perhaps if your parents only wanted one and where really happy with thta choice and they got along well, ,ade sure you had plenty of playdates, it would have been differnt for you

my dh is an only and he loved it, although he also as an adult has encoutered some prejuices, people thinking he;d been spoilt rotton and was unable to share etc
even some people that know he is an only tellhim that our dd will be the above if we dont have another, even after hes JUST toild them hes an only.

i know you wish your childhood could have been better, its very painfula nd haunting when you've had adifficult childhood, but we can really only do are best as well as we can.really hope you go on to have a happy wonderful life

darleneconnor · 20/12/2010 21:46

I'm with NW20 on this. I was/am an only. HATED it as a child and still HATE it as an adult.

My Mum says having me put her off having any more! She had an easy pregnancy/birth and says I was an easy baby. I think it was my Dad's lack of help with childcare/housework that put her off. She was so determined not to have any more she had at least one abortion I'm aware of.

The adult/child relationship doesn't end when they get to 18 and a lot of the disadvantages of being an only occur in adulthood. For example an only has to carry the weight of all of their parents expectations. There is that feeling of 'having to be best at everything' because there are no siblings to share the parents ambitions/expectations with. As an adult I've found it very hard to adapt to sharing as I never had any practice of this at home growing up. As my parents are now getting older all the burden of their care needs is going to fall on me. Life expectancy is so long now that a lot of elderly people will require care for much longer then the 18 years that childcare lasts for. Changing an 18 month old's nappy is far more pleasent than changing an 80 year old's.

Parents of onlies obviously only ever parent one child so dont get as clear a picture of how different children behave. My parents seemed to think that everyone else's Dcs were perfect because they only heard about the god bits from bragging parents. If they had had another child to compare me to they would have realised that I was actually a very good, well behaved child.

I did do a lot of extra-curricular activities but that doesn't compensate for missing out on the 'rough and tumble' siblings have. I was always in the minority in my house- it was always 2 adults against 1 child. It would have been great to have someone else 'on my side' to give another child's perspective. Not to mention Christmas, where I'd be given board games as presents but then have no-one to play them with. It was a 'lonely and miserable' childhood.

So basically if you are just choosing to have only one, without good reason, then YABU and selfish and not acting in your existing child's best interests.

this book is great and goes into a lot of detail about the trials and tribulations of being an only, maybe you should read it before it's too late?

NW20 · 20/12/2010 21:46

Carried, I'm not sure why you think my childhood was painful or difficult, that wasn't what I was saying, just that I wanted some brothers and sisters.

I have a best friend who I have known since we were 1, who is practically a sister to me, but it was still not exactly the same as actually having a sister.

However I do take your point that not all people with bigger families are happier than only children.

The3Bears · 20/12/2010 21:47

I only have and want 1 child, hes nearly 4 now and if i change my mind then so be it. But I dont think anyone can judge you for having one child, what is wrong with wanting t give a child all your love and attention.

For the record I have 4 siblings 3 of whom I am not close to at all and a sister who I am very close to now but growing up fell out for a while, argued constantly over who got the most attention. And a mum I havent seen in 7 years because she decided to choose a man over her daughter. I would have loved to have been doted on that much and loved more than anything in the world as this is what a parent should do no matter if you have 1 or 10.

I cant imagine an only child could be that lonely if surrounded by friends cousins etc, my ds doesnt want a brother or sister at the minute he wants another kitten Grin

OneTwoBaubleMySanta · 20/12/2010 21:49

I am the same as you OP. No fertility issues/can afford another if we so wish but we don't want more than one. Some people seem to take it so personally when we say that though.

YANBU

StarExpat · 20/12/2010 21:49

NW20, I have a sister. We don't get on at all and are polar opposites - she is much older than I am, but acts about 5 years younger Hmm. My mother passed away after a battle with cancer when I was just a teen and my sister can be so toxic that she actually made things so much more difficult and painful for me.

I'm so sorry for your loss :( But I just wanted to point out that the grass is not necessarily always greener...

StarExpat · 20/12/2010 21:53

I have just seen your name, carriedababi, as carried a babi.

I have no idea why... but I thought it was like baby talk... carrie da babi (carrie the baby)... Now I'm seeing your namechanges differently, too Blush I'm not a stalker, promise, your name is just one I recognise. I am so Blush !

LetThereBeRock · 20/12/2010 21:53

We're not all as miserable as you were Darlene. There's no need for such hypberole. Surviving as an only child? WTF?

The use of 'surviving' makes it sound like I and other children were the victims of a disaster. It's offensive,and yes I know you didn't write the book, but you did link to it.

I'm sorry that you weren't happy,but one can have an unhappy childhood even if one is surrounded by siblings.

If I said that I pitied those who had siblings,all that squabbling and having to share toys,fighting over resources,fighting for their parent's time and attention,wouldn't you think that was ridiculous?

It's no less ridiculous than the assumption that all only children are unhappy.

Bingtata · 20/12/2010 21:54

Sorry Darlene, but you were very blunt about those of us who have chosen to have one child so I feel I can be equally blunt back - the points you raise are about YOUR childhood, so don't feel free to generalise to others.

Who are you to tell me that I am not acting in my child's best interests? In your opinion? In your experience? How dare you call me selfish because of the parenting you recieved.

NW20 · 20/12/2010 21:54

StarPat, you are right, there's no one right answer or scenario, I obviously only wished for a brother or sister who I had a great relationship with, but I know this isn't always the case.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 20/12/2010 21:54

Here's the contrast - I have one brother, and as he was a horrible bully, I would have been DELIGHTED to be an only child.

But, that is no definitive answer to anything!!!

LetThereBeRock · 20/12/2010 21:56

That should say it's no more ridiculous.

libelulle · 20/12/2010 21:59

Another only child here who had a very happy childhood, doted on by my parents, but who also craved a sibling. My parents always wanted, but were unable to have, a large family, so I'm sure that coloured things. If it had been a choice, I'm sure it would have looked a bit different - as it was I was always aware that I was 'supposed' to have had siblings. Also I think 30 years ago only children were rarer, and people used to make the most astonishingly rude comments about the obvious deficits my character was bound to have due to my only child status (still do sometimes!). I see the close relationship some friends have with their siblings and still today get very jealous. But then my mum's eldest brother is the nastiest piece of work I've ever met, so I know that sibling relationships aren't necessarily all sweetness and light! In the end, everyone deserves exactly the family size they want, and nobody is unreasonable for that, whether or not they are lucky enough to achieve it.

OneTwoBaubleMySanta · 20/12/2010 22:00

darleneconnor so by your reckoning I should have another child not because I want to but for my DD thus risking even more severe AND/PND and possible resentment towards that child.

No thank you, I'd much rather be a happy parent to a happy only than a bitter parent to two who may end up hating each other.

Patsy99 · 20/12/2010 22:05

Darlene - there's nothing worse than expecting a woman to have children she doesn't want. We're not bloody brood mares.

And I have 2 siblings and feel like I survived that tbh. There are so many factors to take into account that your sweeping assertions just sound simplistic.

blackeyedsusan · 20/12/2010 22:16

I'm an only and I'm not selfish.

Grin