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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just have ONE child?

179 replies

FuturePM · 20/12/2010 20:27

Why are some women so unbelievably touchy that a woman may choose to only have one child?

They appear to get huffy as though I am wasting my womb. I am happy with one child, and I don't understand what the problem is?

AIBU to only want and have one child?

OP posts:
GrimmaTheNome · 20/12/2010 20:55

I don't think it makes any difference how much of an effort your parents make to do whatever with you, when you are 5/6/7/8 etc, you don't want the company of an adult, you want someone else to play with your own sort of age.

Which is why my 'only' is currently very happy, playing with her same-aged neighbour in a way I never could with my nice but significantly older brother. Every situation varies.

She's told me she's happy to be an only. Just as well as I was subfertile (didnt try for any more as was content with one).

begonyabampot · 20/12/2010 20:56

Bing - i agree you can't generalise. I was just talking from my experience. I said earlier there is no guarantee that having siblings will be great and it can be lonely having siblings you don't get on with. Just that with only children, all the extended family starts to go, aunts, uncles. cousins etc.

ReindeerBollocks · 20/12/2010 20:57

YANBU - people make silly comments about how families should be structured all the time (whether it relates to how many/how far apart/ right sex of children blah blah) mainly to justify their own actions.

I'm not really bothered by how many people have - I thought I was going to have just one for a long time and actually went through a period of disappointment when pregnant with the second DC.

Do what is best for your family - it's good families that create happy children, I don't believe it's dependent on sibling ratio (just my opinion though, not fact based at all).

Puppster · 20/12/2010 20:57

I am an only, and I was terribly lonely and desperate for siblings. It just wasn't possible for my parents. My mum had multiple miscariages trying. It was also fairly hideous being on my own through their rather messy divorce when I was 12, and now being responsible for aging / single parents on my own is also quite lonely.

A few thoughts, slightly conflicting

  1. OP - do you have siblings? I find that people who only want 1 child tend to have siblings of their own, and therefore don't know how it feels to be an only
  1. Perhaps if my parents hadn't been desperate for more, I would have felt as if I was enough for them?
  1. Is only having one (when it is choice not circumstance) actually more about you than the child? For me, giving my child a sibling was one of the most important things I could do for him. I am lucky that that has been possible, but it has been a long road to get here
Original poster
FuturePM · 20/12/2010 20:58

Nicely said Blu. I'm on of 5 and have terrible relations with my siblings-nothing reflecting on my parents. We were all sent to separate boarding schools so we were forced to mingle in the holidays and I think it was that pressure that made it so much worse.

It's mainly older women (my mother's friends who are between 48-54 ish) that are quite shocked I'd only have one!

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 20/12/2010 20:58

I preferred the company of adults as a child. That may not be the norm,but that all children want the company of other children their own age isn't necessarily true.

I did have friends as a child btw. I wasn't at all lonely, but I wasn't at all lonely either when I was with the adults and no other children were around.

carriedaxmaspudding · 20/12/2010 20:59

NW20 surely you can't think it would have been better fro your prents to have brought a child into the world they didn't want?

Original poster
FuturePM · 20/12/2010 21:01

Puppster, I want one merely because I am happy with one (selfish, yes but he isn't one yet) I have many friends who have one (due to my age) and some will go on for more. I want to send him to private school (secondary) without the financial worry of having to send more than one, as well as providing a type of lifestyle I think would be strained if I had more. I hadn't really thought about him being lonely, I grew up with only children who weren't lonely, but then their parents threw them into extra curric. activities so they made plenty of friends (similar to a home schooled child I imagine?)

OP posts:
Original poster
FuturePM · 20/12/2010 21:02

one as in one year old.

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 20/12/2010 21:03

Of course the final decision on having another child,has to be more about the parents than their dd/ds.
They have to raise the child,they're the ones taking the risks,giving birth,paying for the child,caring for it etc.

Now if you want to give your child a sibling and you're happy to have another child,then fine,that's great,however if you don't really want another child yet have one because your child wants a sibling,that's foolish and more selfish imho than not giving your child a sibling.

NW20 · 20/12/2010 21:03

No, but it wasn't that they actively didn't want one, just that they were happy with one, as FuturePM is.
My mum always did say she wanted another one, but they just never did.

Bingtata · 20/12/2010 21:04

I've had this conversation on here before (and been told that I have obviously brainwashed her), but I don't agree that all children actually want siblings. DD has seen her friends have little brothers and sisters, but she doesn't want one herself. At nursery she is reportedly fabulous with the younger ones there, but she tells me she doesn't want a baby in our family. Which is good with DH and me because we don't have a yearning for another one.

If DD was asking for a sibling I would be willing to reconsider, but we are all so happy as we are.

Puppster · 20/12/2010 21:05

I may well have rose tinted glasses about siblings, but for me there is something about the shared understanding of your world, parents etc, that is totally irreplacable by anything else.

I was horribly lonely, and leaving other peoples houses extra activities, only emphasised how quiet my own house was

Bear in mind my parents were unhappy though, which can't have helped

cardibach · 20/12/2010 21:06

Puppster I'm sure you don't mean it to, but your post reads as very critical of parents with only children, especially when you suggest it is more about them than the child. I think that often having more than one is about the parents too... And that doesn't matter, as it is probably about the parents making an (adult) decision about the sze of family they can most effectively raise.

Any size family can be happy with the will of the parents. Mostly, children are happy if their parents are and if the parents put the chldren and their needs first.

And actually, if you are adamant that only children are ALWAYS unhappy, you are putting guilt on those who were unable (for whatever reason) to have more than one.

tomorrowsanotherday · 20/12/2010 21:11

YANBU and it I don't believe it is somehow 'selfish' to only have one. I don't think it is right for anyone to feel pressured into having a child they don't want for whatever reason.
My parents struggled to conceive after they had me and I was an only child until my brother came along when I was 8 years old.
I was perfectly content being an only child as I had so many friends and cousins always around.
However, since I moved out when I was 17 my brother says he feels like a 'lonely only child' Grin but I think he loves it really, he is spoilt rotten.

Puppster · 20/12/2010 21:11

cardibach I did say when it is choice not circumstance. I couldn't be more sympathetic to those for whom it was not possible, as in my own case

Also, please see my latest post - I am perfectly prepared to admit that my own parents unhappiness was a huge cause of my own feelings

tomorrowsanotherday · 20/12/2010 21:12

By the way I don't have any children yet. I may have only one or I may have five Grin

GrimmaTheNome · 20/12/2010 21:12

You're right Bing. My DD has considered the matter and thinks she's definitely happier to have a dog than a sibling Grin

carriedaxmaspudding · 20/12/2010 21:17

to anyone with 1 child, has anyone eveer said to your dc would you like a sibling?

i can imagine this would be the sort of thing a rude old aunt would say directly to the child.

Bingtata · 20/12/2010 21:17

Yes, my DD wants a cat and a rabbit rather than a baby! Grin

Original poster
FuturePM · 20/12/2010 21:18

My mum has said it over my head to my ds;

"You'd like a little brother or sister wouldn't you ?"

Thanks mum.

OP posts:
carriedaxmaspudding · 20/12/2010 21:18

nw20 are you close to your parents now? have you or would you tell them how you feel about being an only?

do you find some people make assumtions about you as an adult because of your only child status?

carriedaxmaspudding · 20/12/2010 21:19

futurepm, how did you react to that one?

i can imGINE THAT HAPPING TO MY DD SOON AS THERES ONE OR two rude people n my family

Original poster
FuturePM · 20/12/2010 21:21

Well he's almost one so I don't think he comprehended...I just said to my mum, don't get your hopes up, one is plenty of work for me to getting on with. Her response;

"Well I had 5 and you all turned out ok."

OP posts:
MsKLo · 20/12/2010 21:22

If you are happy then that is all that matters!

I have some friends who are only children though and most of them hate it! But that could be just the fantasy of having a sibling or could be a valid longing! Who knows for sure?!!!!!!!

There are, as with many things in this life, pros and cons to your choice - and it is your choice.

I chose to have two not just for me, but for my eldest and though they fight, they love each other sooooo much too and it makes my heart melt when I see them together. But equally, I know siblings who hate each other as they grow older so who knows? If you are happy thats all that matters!

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