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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to just have ONE child?

179 replies

FuturePM · 20/12/2010 20:27

Why are some women so unbelievably touchy that a woman may choose to only have one child?

They appear to get huffy as though I am wasting my womb. I am happy with one child, and I don't understand what the problem is?

AIBU to only want and have one child?

OP posts:
cupcakebakerer · 20/12/2010 22:22

It's so bizarre. Before I fell pregnant 'friends' kept saying to me "so when will you and hubby be having kids?". This went on for years and the truth was we didn't want a baby at that point - quite happy being selfish, travelling, drinking, careers etc. Sometimes their questioning bordered on obsession, so dumbfounded were they that we'd not done it already. It always came from women who already had a baby and it did make me suspicious that they were jealous that I'd not yet put my career on hold etc etc. I will bet my bottom dollar that as soon as I've pushed out baby one the same people will be asking where baby two is. OP I think it's down to insecurity and jealousy on their part. However if it's merely an aquaintance or colleague it could just be that they can think of nothing better to ask!!

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 20/12/2010 22:22

I only have one and that is how I intend it to stay.

IMO its nobodies business except yours. If you only want one so be it.

YANBU.

A1980 · 20/12/2010 22:25

I am TTC with PCOS and as much as i want children, I'm not sure i could afford more than one.

It's nobody's business how many children you have so YANBU

MissFit · 20/12/2010 22:25

I also get very jealous of the close relationship some friends have with their siblings - and I have 3 Grin One I barely see, one I don't get on with so much, and one I do and I see her the most but I wouldn't call us close.

I was definitely not short of siblings as a child but what I really wanted was some time and attention from by parents who were distracted and busy with younger siblings most of the time. So there you go - the grass really is greener Grin

carriedaxmaspudding · 20/12/2010 22:25

star, yes its ment to be carried a baby
it does confuse alot of people lol

Xmas Smile
Haribojoe · 20/12/2010 22:25

YANBU.

Personally I have chosen to have more than 1 DC but why should I be worried about someone elses life choices if they don't affect me.

It's the same principle as all the shock horror responses when telling people I was pregnant with DC3.

My brother actually asked when I was going to stop having children?

You've made a choice that is right for you and your family that's what counts.

libelulle · 20/12/2010 22:26
sausagelover · 20/12/2010 22:29

There's pros and cons.

Pros for being an only -
More time and attention from parents
Ability to play by yourself/be happy in own company
Can sometimes make better friendships as no ready made playmates at home
More money to go around

Cons -
No ready made playmates at home
Nobody to share memories of your specific childhood
Might be spoilt
Might not know how to share

If you are a good parent though, you won't spoil them, will teach them how to share, and will give them plenty of opportunities to play, both with you and with other children.

SeaTrek · 20/12/2010 22:29

YANBU

I have one child (and it will almost certainly stay that way). I have never had anyone say anything negative about it.

It happened this way because DH loathes his sister so much, and the unfair way his parents treat them (they think they are very fair!). I think he honestly believes our DS will be happier this way. I have never been broody enough to challenge it really. I was overwhelmingly broody for DS. Never happened again.

blackeyedsusan · 20/12/2010 22:30

My dd sometimes wishes that she was an only, especially when he pushes her over, scratches her face and pulls her hair. They need constant watching!

I know someone who had 2 autistic younger brothers and she definitely wanted to be a one.

It all depends on the parents, I suppose and on the personality of the child/children involved.

OnthefirsdayofMrsDeVere · 20/12/2010 22:38

I wouldnt dream of telling someone with one child to have more. Why on earth would anyone be that interested?
The number of children you have through choice or circumstances is nobodies business.

I think the comments about mother of 5 being jealous and having no waistline etc are pretty bitchy though.

Why would you say something like that?

I have five kids and people seem to think it means I am incapable of controlling my fertility probably because I am a bit stupid. Or my favourite - because I only really like babies so as soon as one gets past the toddler stage I replace them with another one (thanks mum).
Or because of the child benefit, WTC etc.
Or because I need the older ones to look after the younger ones.
OR the best of all, I am desperately trying to replace my dead DD and have only managed to have boys since so just keep trying.

glub · 20/12/2010 22:39

i'm an only. didn't like it. evenings, holidays, those times which always exist when the adults want to do adult things and the kids have to tag along and you're expected to put up and shut up. except you don't have a sibling to bash you just have your thoughts and your boredom. no cousins no other family didn't know what family was all about. was always the odd one out the gooseberry to my parents. it was me against them and they were right and i was wrong and i'd tell my friends and they couldn't really comment as they weren't there a sibling might have stood up for me and made them, and me(!) realise that actually i was right and they needed to adjust their behaviour... i became uncertain of my own mind. yeah they arranged playdates and i did extra curricular activities but so do children with siblings have that. it's weird beign the only one of my generation. soon they'll be dead...
my first was an accident. second was a must. it's been very hard. i should've been sorting out my life but instead i had a kid. i'm just grateful i could. but i knew i had to make it work and so far i have.

well that's just me. bit rambly sorry. tired. just wanted to add my bit.

carriedaxmaspudding · 20/12/2010 22:40

i think the not being able to share it quite bogus really.

pink4ever · 20/12/2010 22:43

I was determined my ds would not be an only child(even after losing 6 babies,3 of them in late pregnancy). I had so many people saying to me oh be happy with what you got etc but I would have been so sad if couldnt give him a sibling(luckily he now has 2!).
My sis only has 1 ds and doesnt want anymore(didnt enjoy pregnancy). Have to admit I do struggle to understand this but have to accept its her choice.

SkyBluePearl · 20/12/2010 22:45

having one child is lovely (I did for 6 years and recieved quite a few one child comments) but having 2 is equally very lovely and I adore watching them get on so well. I also know quite a few who have decided not to have any kids at all. I think different sized families suit different people - how boring it would be if we were all the same.

carriedaxmaspudding · 20/12/2010 22:46

pink why were you so determined if you wasn't an only yourself

cupcakebakerer · 20/12/2010 22:48

Pink4ever - why do you struggle to understand? Surely having one child is not that odd?

LetThereBeRock · 20/12/2010 22:51

Someone actually said that you were trying to replace your dd,Mrs Devere?Shock

How crass,and I'm struggling to find the words,but really what an idiotic and insensitive thing to say.

You could have a hundred girls and you'd still never replace your dd. I'm amazed that they couldn't understand that.

Patsy99 · 20/12/2010 22:53

Sky - do you think that age gap affects how well they get on? Sounds like they're close all the same.

OnthefirsdayofMrsDeVere · 20/12/2010 23:02

letthereberock more than once and I am not the only one it has happened to. People can be incredibly lovely and kind but they can be equally stupid and insensitive.

I have had to put up with other peoples' distress (yes - distress) and disapointment twice in the last three years when they have found out I am having yet another boy.

As you rightly and insightfully (is that a word) put it, I could have a hundred girls and all would be loved but none could replace my DD.

BarbieLovesKen · 20/12/2010 23:06

No, of course your not being unreasonable. If you want one, you want one - its no ones business. Am very shocked that people would be bothered to comment - particulary when your ds is just one. Personally,

I couldnt care less if you or anyone else has none or 20. I do object to however, the comments made at the parent's (in particular the mothers) of larger families. It does sound to me that it is actually you who has the issue with the size of other people's families.

Its each to their own and I think it would be much worse if someone decides to have a baby that they simply do not want for the sake of it. Am sure this would have detrimental effects.

Im with a few others on this one. I am an only child. I look back on my childhood and feel very sad at how lonely it really was. At the time, when my mother asked, I said I was quite happy to be an only. My parents divorced when I was a baby and my mother never remarried so for that reason, another child wasnt on the cards.

I hate being an only now. I found it hard not having anyone who understood when my dad died or to talk to over my mother's numerous problems.

Maybe its silly but I feel very, very sad at the thought that I will never have nieces or nephews.

DH was one of 5, I love hearing all the stories from when they were little, the stories make me laugh so much. I'd love that.

For these reasons and loads more already mentioned I wouldnt have an only myself. We have 2 and number 3 on the way.

sausagelover · 20/12/2010 23:13

barbie - if ken has 4 siblings, then providing at least one of them has children, those children will be your nieces/nephews.

Onetoomanycornettos · 20/12/2010 23:17

There are no guarantees, though, I have a brother who has no children. No nephews or nieces for me either (DH an only). Plenty of people I know actually dislike their siblings. So, I don't think you can have more than one with any guarantees about anything, which is why it is better to suit you and your family at that given moment.

I do think onlines have lots of fantasies about sibling life which really aren't true. My DH is now starting to see that being an only was not necessarily a disadvantage, and you can define yourself as you, rather than always being compared to someone else.

ulyanka · 20/12/2010 23:18

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carriedaxmaspudding · 20/12/2010 23:19

def agree with onetoomany

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