Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 5 1/2 month old to cry?

164 replies

Ghostie · 19/12/2010 16:35

I'm feeling really stressed about this, so please be gentle!! Basically we were getting no sleep at all I was up and down every 30mins to an hour and it was driving me crazy, as well as leaving me just totally exhausted! DD kept pulling her dummy out all night and she wasn't crying, just shouting out and once we put her in bed with us she would go to sleep, so I figured she just wanted attention.

She is a big strong baby, so in the end we got in a night nanny to get us some rest and give us a break and more than that we wanted to get some help to sleep train her and were told that she would sleep within a week.

It all seemed to be going well and we had the night nanny for 4 nights, she got us to get rid of her dummy and doing a split feed before bed, to try and get more calories into her before she goes to sleep. Now, she is still waking up 2/3 times a night and crying for long periods from 5am. All the books and the advice we've been given say that leaving them to cry works, that they're not upset, but getting out of bad habbits and that it takes a few days. But, she still seems to be crying after nearly two weeks and I am finding it really distressing and wonder if I am doing the right thing? She is also crying for quite a long time before she goes to sleep for her naps.

Sorry if this is a bit long winded. Please let me know if you have had similar experiences/this has worked for you?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 19/12/2010 16:37

I've never read or heard anywhere that elaving them to cry works. Controlled crying isnt even meant to be used at this young age. I really wouldnt be leaving her like this personally.

Lulumaam · 19/12/2010 16:38

IMO, it is too young

IME, 5 mths old still very often need a feed at night, a hungry baby is going to cry and not be soothed by anything other than milk

i don't see how taking the dummy , a source of comfort , away from her would help her

it is far far too young for this sort of sleep training, and it is leaving all of you distressed

try feeding and soothing her and repsonding to her needs

of course she wants attention, she;s a baby and crying is her only way to comminucate

MemooMerrilyOnHigh · 19/12/2010 16:41

I know its hard, been there 3 times, but she is far to young to do CC. I've never had a good sleeper yet but they have all settled as they got older and never did CC.

winnybella · 19/12/2010 16:41

No, I wouldn't leave such a young baby to cry for longer than few minutes.

Cruel imo

MumNWLondon · 19/12/2010 16:43

I think you might be better posting elsewhere because some people on here don't like letting babies cry at all ever.

Firstly, I wouldn't have a problem leaving a baby of that age to cry if I was sure they weren't hungry/dirty etc. So in response - YANBU, and its important for her to learn to settle herself.

However, is she weaned? IMO/IME unrealistic to expect a baby just drinking milk to sleep all night. Yes some do but some are just hungry. What worked for us at 6 months (DS2 also waking 2-3 times, although settling once fed) was the HIPP goodnight milk (has cereals in it) BUT sounds like she is having trouble settling herself.

DS2 also has a cuski which he clutches at bedtime (we bought at that age), he sucks on a corner of it but unlike a dummy he can put it in himself.

rainbowinthesky · 19/12/2010 16:45

How on earth is thinking it's not right to leave a 5 month old to cry for nearly 2 weeks like this the same as being against letting babies cry ever???

Original poster
Ghostie · 19/12/2010 16:45

But if she is hungry, why will she go to sleep in our bed with out a feed? She is a big girl, 7.6kg and on 75th centile, so technically doesn't "need" feeding. We took the dummy away because it seemed to be waking her up more in the night than helping her sleep. I am very torn about what to do.

OP posts:
MrsGravy · 19/12/2010 16:47

Cant you just bring her into your bed - if she sleeps happily there? She obviously wants you and feels upset/insecure on her own

winnybella · 19/12/2010 16:48

Maybe she needs a cuddle or she's scared?

MrsGravy · 19/12/2010 16:53

Why would her weight make a difference to how hungry she would be? Couldn't it just as easily mean she needs MORE food? My 6mo is the same weight and is defo still hungry at night.

LilyBolero · 19/12/2010 16:54

Oh sympathies, my 7 month old (dc4) is driving me potty atm, he is crying EVERY night on and off for hour on end. I have tried everything but basically nothing works. I've tried letting him cry a bit, mainly because after a month of being up for hours on end, and having a hideous cold I can't actually feed him all night. He wouldn't sleep in our bed, and in any case, ds2 (dc3) still comes into our bed every night and there simply isn't room, and ds2 would kick the baby.

It's so hard isn't it. What you could try doing is soothing her in the cot - try stroking her head, talking quietly, etc etc so you are there with her, but not actually lifting her out of the cot. Doesn't work at all with ds3, but worth a go I would say.

I know it goes against what a lot of people think, but it doesn't actually hurt them to cry a bit - sometimes they do need to cry to wind down a bit before they can go to sleep. I tend to think that as long as they feel safe, and know you are there, then they're not going to be too traumatised. With 4 kids, it's inevitable that sometimes ds3 is going to be left to cry a bit - say if ds2 is in the bath and he pipes up I can't just drop everything to see to ds3. So don't worry too much, but make her feel secure and try and sleep when she does.

It does get better, but it is horrid when you're in it isn't it. I'm barely functioning atm, keep almost dropping asleep when I'm talking to people which is very Blush

MumNWLondon · 19/12/2010 16:56

OP: I think you are going to get flamed here. A big baby just drinking milk will be very hungry at 5.5 months and probably need several night feeds. Even GF acknowlegdes that.

Maybe by 7-8 months once fully weaned onto protein a baby of that weight can go longer at night.

Are you feeding at 5am before you leaving her to cry? How is her day sleep structured - maybe she is awake then to start her day.

Lulumaam · 19/12/2010 16:58

weight has no bearing at all on whether a baby is hungry, or should need feeding

ignore prescriptive ideas like that and repsond to her needs as they happen

what is 7.5 kg?

i weigh a lot more than that and need to eat/drink frequently

winnybella · 19/12/2010 16:58

Wait, you're expecting a 5mo baby to sleep through the night?

Seriously?

Lulumaam · 19/12/2010 16:59

I am afraid it makes me distressed to think she is not being fed beause you or the night nanny or a book says
'baby weighs x and therefore cannot be hungry'

LadyBiscuit · 19/12/2010 17:01

It is cruel to leave any child, however old they are, to cry 'for long periods'.

Whatever you're trying to do clearly isn't working is it?

winnybella · 19/12/2010 17:01

Some babies sleep through and some don't. Yours is clearly not ready for it.
You're letting her cry and not feeding her at all during the night?

Sorry, but it's cruel and wrong. Poor baby.

Lulumaam · 19/12/2010 17:04

is this your first baby?

Lulumaam · 19/12/2010 17:04

am also very dubious about a night nanny who recommends cio/cc, no night feeds and no dummy for a small baby

LilyBolero · 19/12/2010 17:05

Anyone thinking of flaming the OP, just remember that all-consuming exhaustion when the baby cries for the third time that night, just like every night, you drag yourself out of bed, feed the baby, wind the baby, maybe change a nappy if necessary, put the baby down in the cot, WAAAH, pick the baby up, baby wants more milk, feed the baby again, wind baby, put baby down, baby seems to settle, you get back into bed, you are just dropping off to sleep when it's WAAAAAH.

Sometimes, no matter what the theory says, or what your ideal would be, you just can't do it any more. I went through that with ds2 and ds3 is like that atm. He doesn't sleep. No daytime nap. Doesn't settle in the evening till gone 11pm. Wakes at 1. Can be awake till 4 or 5 or 6. And then I have to be up with the other kids at 7. There's only so long you can survive on that sort of sleep routine.

happygilmore · 19/12/2010 17:05

My 7 month old is huge but she still needs a night feed, I'm surprised the books say they don't need it at this age as in my experience she def does need it!

Are you dead against her being in your bed? Our DD wakes up 1 or 2 times a night and we just put her in with us - we all get loads more sleep this way. I figure she just wants to be close to us, which seems fair enough, she's only small. I'm quite sure she'll not want to be in our bed when she's a teenager..:)

Porcelain · 19/12/2010 17:06

At this age, reassurance,comfort and affection are a "need" too. She may "just" want attention, but she's little and helpless, she's allowed that surely.

If she is not hungry (refusing the offer) and comfy (clean and correct temperature) try just holding her close and talking to her gently to reassure her. I have found that although bouncing, rocking, soothers will put ds off crying, he will go back to it,sometimes he just needs to rage and get it out of his system before he sleeps. It's less tiring for you and baby gets closeness and reassurance. Much kinder than leaving them alone and more likely to get more wound up . Ds crying sessions got shorter over time using this method, now he gets over his frustrations in about 10th mins usually.

Timeforabiscuit · 19/12/2010 17:07

You may well be in teething territory - have you done a calpol/ibuprofen combo? Waking up at five ready and raring is fair game for a five month old and its called sleeping through if its five hours straight at this age I think.

You may get away with a dream feed at five and nick a hour back.

LilyBolero · 19/12/2010 17:07

And fwiw, both ds2 and ds3 slept through brilliantly until about 5-6 months, and then started fighting the idea of sleep. Often it's not hunger with ds3 as he won't then feed if I pick him up, he wants to be up and about. But if I put him in the cot he cries. I can't be up playing with him at 3 in the morning, I do need SOME sleep!!!

I don't advocate leaving them to cry for a long time, but I don't think it is a disaster to let them cry a little bit, especially if they know you are there and they feel safe and secure - sometimes they cry because they're tired anyway.

YunoYurbubson · 19/12/2010 17:08

I think it is unrealistic to expect an unweaned 5 1/2 month old to sleep through the night.

Ds was always a big boy. I weaned him at 6 months. I remember 5 month + he fed more than ever because he was bigger than ever and doing all that growing on nothing but milk. He needed at least one feed through the night.

And even if he didn't, I think comfort and security are more important than independance at such a young age.