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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 5 1/2 month old to cry?

164 replies

Ghostie · 19/12/2010 16:35

I'm feeling really stressed about this, so please be gentle!! Basically we were getting no sleep at all I was up and down every 30mins to an hour and it was driving me crazy, as well as leaving me just totally exhausted! DD kept pulling her dummy out all night and she wasn't crying, just shouting out and once we put her in bed with us she would go to sleep, so I figured she just wanted attention.

She is a big strong baby, so in the end we got in a night nanny to get us some rest and give us a break and more than that we wanted to get some help to sleep train her and were told that she would sleep within a week.

It all seemed to be going well and we had the night nanny for 4 nights, she got us to get rid of her dummy and doing a split feed before bed, to try and get more calories into her before she goes to sleep. Now, she is still waking up 2/3 times a night and crying for long periods from 5am. All the books and the advice we've been given say that leaving them to cry works, that they're not upset, but getting out of bad habbits and that it takes a few days. But, she still seems to be crying after nearly two weeks and I am finding it really distressing and wonder if I am doing the right thing? She is also crying for quite a long time before she goes to sleep for her naps.

Sorry if this is a bit long winded. Please let me know if you have had similar experiences/this has worked for you?

OP posts:
FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 20/12/2010 09:24

Don't worry about bad habits, seriously, it is so so easy to change things. We took DD into our bed, fed to sleep, did everything 'wrong'. But at 10mo ish we weaned her off these things and taught her to self settle - it was totally easy, took about two nights and there was barely any crying, seriously. If we had tried earlier it would have been hell for all of us.

She is so tiny, just give her what she wants. Honestly, life will be easier for you too.

mamatomany · 20/12/2010 09:27

I would consider sleeping from 7pm to 6.15am a resonding sucess OP

MumNWLondon · 20/12/2010 09:31

"I have quite a selection of books (from Gina Ford and Supernanny to Penelope Leach and NCSS) and none of them say to leave a 5 month old to cry."

Well GF sort of does in that she tells you to leave the baby to self settle and gives you no further advice on how to get them to sleep. If only it were really as simple as

"put baby swaddled in cot for a nap."

Cue screaming. Er....... then what? Gina? Gina?

GF gives advice on self soothing. Basically ok to leave a baby who is just fed/changed/burped if they are doing an intermitant sort of winding down cry - I have done this from newborn, but obviously wouldn't leave a baby doing a full on screaming cry. Same in night, might not jump up at first noise because sometimes they did go back to sleep.

I found that real screaming only really happened if hungry/colic/overtired, and if I followed the GF sleep routines they did settle by themselves quickly, although I am sure thats not everyone experience.

Big difference in letting fed/changed/burped baby fuss for a bit to sleep, and letting hungry baby scream in night because they want a feed.

Morloth · 20/12/2010 09:40

I think when they get a bit older you can kind of tell the difference between. 'WTF?! But I don't WANT to go to sleep, why am I here? I want to be there, come and get me' and 'Mum/Dad I am freaking out, help help help'.

I know I personally couldn't tell the difference with DS1 until around 12 months or so and DS2 is only 8.5mths and I still can't tell so I treat all cries as the latter and will wait until I am dead seat sure that he is just trying it on before letting him whinge a bit.

Ieattoomuchcake · 20/12/2010 10:18

ghostie I'm pleased last night went better.
Fingers crossed your nights will get better from now on.

I honestly don't think the majority of posters are trying to say you are mean and cruel. Just that there's nothing wrong with showing your baby she can trust you to meet her needs, and company/comfort is one of those needs.

I hope things continue to go well for you.

childminder90210 · 20/12/2010 10:36

GO with your instincts, its your baby you will know what feels right, if you want to leave her to cry then do it, nobody has the right to tell you how to bring up your child, I left both mine to cry as I physically couldnt get out of bed to them as I was so tired from very long labours, they both slept from midnight till 6am from 6 weeks people will say I am cruel or heartless but thats their opinion, sometimes no book or other person, professional or otherwise can help you, you just have to make up your own mind. I hope things get better for you, best of luck x

Lulumaam · 20/12/2010 10:44

sounds like it went much better then !

i would honestly say, follow your instincts, sounds like youll all be much happier x

daytoday · 20/12/2010 11:46

Please don't feel terrible. No one has the answer and we all sort of fumble through the new born phase.

I don't think letting a baby cry for 10 mins at this age is the most terrible thing, if you know they are ok. Sometimes it simple can't be avoided. How often have you got stuck in a car with a screaming baby? or had to push a crying baby around in a buggy to get them to sleep?

In terms of sleeping, at 5.5 months - I would be more tempted to resolve any sleeping issues in the day. For example, if you can happily put your baby down to sleep, without rocking, feeding them to sleep then thats great. This would leave me thinking that rather than needing help going back to sleep, the baby must be hungry and I'd introduce weaning. Once weaning is established, try again.

Crying and waking 5 am is so common. I've not discovered any 'cure'. All mine have been early risers till they were around 2. Now I have to pull them out of bed at 8 in time for school.

This will pass, you will get more sleep!

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 20/12/2010 12:07

as for 'needing' food in the night, my bf dd slept for 10 hours with no feed at 5 weeks.

(roll on 5 months and now due to teething/habit/4 month growth spurt...whatever, she now feeds 5 times a night, purely habit. When she is about 8 months I will definately do cc as I can't mother my 3 properly this tired)

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 20/12/2010 12:10

'just wanting attention' christ thats hideous to hear you say

co sleep and get used to being disturbed, you have a baby

when she wakes, feed her, comfort, wind, change her

all these things she needs

and from you not a night nanny

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 20/12/2010 12:12

'she's big girl so doesn't 'need' feeding'

god it just gets worse

does that mean that overweight people dont get hungry?

Hmm
sungirltan · 20/12/2010 12:50

op - you seem to have some quite antiquated 'received wisdom' - i find the 'she's a big girl' in relation to her eating requirements type comments frankly bizarre and not based on any academic material i've read! i think if you want to find a sleep solution thats right for you then you need to sweep away all these old wives tales and start again with evidence based advice. your hv might be a good start though mine told me at that age that i was to try no sleep training/books whatsoever until weaning was fully established and my dd was well past 6 months. (she was right but i didn't know that then). my hv pretty much said 'tough - babies cry when they are alone/hungry/scared/whatever, get over it'

fwiw, and i was quite anti co sleeping when dd was frist born (beacuse of the habit fear), if dd (now 14 months) wakes up in the night i take her in with me (when she was less than about 10 months i would bf as well). my dh does she rocking and shushing but i never bother and she just snuggles up with me and we sleep until morning. IF she wakes up. i have done this since she was about 4 months and its STILL not a habit. 90% of the time she goes to sleep at 7pm and wakes about 6am with not a squeak in between
. its never been a problem. we went on holiday recently too and she didn't find the strange place/cot the slightest problem and slept as well as she normally does.

meanwhile one thing i did used to do when dd was teething and couldn't settle was go and lie down on our bed with her (i put pillows on the other side she cant roll out) and pretend to go to sleep. usually this worked after about 15, 20 minutes and i'd creep her back into her cot. also i had a bit of a rest so i didnt feel quite so frought if she woke up and i had to start again.

priyag · 20/12/2010 14:40

"Well GF sort of does in that she tells you to leave the baby to self settle and gives you no further advice on how to get them to sleep. If only it were really as simple as

"put baby swaddled in cot for a nap."

Cue screaming. Er....... then what? "

If you read the GF book properly, she actually says that if a baby is crying and not settling to sleep well, to always assume that it is hunger and to offer a feed. She also says that bigger babies may need a late feed at 10pm, and another one in the middle of the night until they are nearer seven months.

She does not advise swaddling a baby over two months, but does recommend that they are tucked in firmly with so they are not woken by kicking off their covers. She also advises looking at how much sleep the baby is having during the day, and making sure that the baby was having enough milk feeds.

In short Gina Ford is not about "Cue screaming" and just leaving them.

TheFeministParent · 20/12/2010 19:04

Me too, I had DC3 and 4 in with me until they were about 8 months or more, at 9 months DC4 was on his own settled well and slept right through 7-6am.

sungirltan · 20/12/2010 19:16

if its kicking the covers off our dd did that. we got her baby sleeping bags and never looked back.

ToffeeChristmascake · 20/12/2010 19:45

Op - I agree with sungirl. We also used baby sleeping bags. Fantastic things. Look at the Grobag website here. I used their sleeping bags for both my children.

Hope you get a good night tonight. It's awful when you are going through it, I know, but it really will not last forever.

ToffeeChristmascake · 20/12/2010 20:11

Also lots of useful tips on helping babies sleep on the Grobag website, Ghostie.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 20/12/2010 20:25

Having read this thread I'm now concerned I have a freaky DD...she's 5 months old and sleeps through from her 11pm feed until atleast 7am...and has done so from 3.5 months so it can happen.

Cluster feeding in the evening say at 6pm, 8pm (dreamfeed) and then a big feed at 11pm where I do wake her up gently seems to do the trick and she's still not really bothered about her morning feed but gets progressively more hungry during late morning and then afternoon.

ToffeeChristmascake · 20/12/2010 20:31

God, I'm just so jealous, Holly. Why weren't my children like this? Are you breastfeeding? I think children sleep longer if you formula feed them, don't they?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 20/12/2010 20:34

FF from c.6 weeks and Ghostie I'll see your 75th percentile and raise you 97th!!

ToffeeChristmascake · 20/12/2010 20:38

Ah, it's the formula that does it, then. I was just too bloody 'earth mother' Xmas Wink. Breastfed them both till they were walking.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 20/12/2010 20:46

But you'll go to Mummy heaven and I'll be in purgatory with the babies who don't sleep through the night as punishment!

Xmas Wink
Whitethorn · 20/12/2010 20:50

OP - I would let her cry it out.

If she is not hungry, cold, in pain etc then she is just repeating learned behaviour. We let our DD cry it out when she started getting upset going to bed (thankfully she was always a great through the night sleeper)
We went in every 5 then 10 mins and eventually she went asleep. Its upsetting but ime you only need to do it for a couple of nights and then they 'get it' and fall asleep.

NinkyNonker · 20/12/2010 21:14

As far as I remember CC isn't until after 6 months though. Crying can be a need for comfort too, I couldn't and won't withold that. But each to their own.

rostbeef · 20/12/2010 21:23

Don't leave her to cry, it seems like that tactic is upsetting you both.
Check she's not cold, set the heating to come on earlier. My DD was waking at 4 after sleeping through (FINALLY- at 9 months! - we used TEACH YOURSELF BABY SLEEP and it worked. I would not ever leave a baby to cry as I can't bear it.) anyway she was waking and we finally worked out she was chilly and set the heating to come on slightly earlier. That would explain why she snuggles down with no feed in your bed. Good luck.