Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To leave 5 1/2 month old to cry?

164 replies

Ghostie · 19/12/2010 16:35

I'm feeling really stressed about this, so please be gentle!! Basically we were getting no sleep at all I was up and down every 30mins to an hour and it was driving me crazy, as well as leaving me just totally exhausted! DD kept pulling her dummy out all night and she wasn't crying, just shouting out and once we put her in bed with us she would go to sleep, so I figured she just wanted attention.

She is a big strong baby, so in the end we got in a night nanny to get us some rest and give us a break and more than that we wanted to get some help to sleep train her and were told that she would sleep within a week.

It all seemed to be going well and we had the night nanny for 4 nights, she got us to get rid of her dummy and doing a split feed before bed, to try and get more calories into her before she goes to sleep. Now, she is still waking up 2/3 times a night and crying for long periods from 5am. All the books and the advice we've been given say that leaving them to cry works, that they're not upset, but getting out of bad habbits and that it takes a few days. But, she still seems to be crying after nearly two weeks and I am finding it really distressing and wonder if I am doing the right thing? She is also crying for quite a long time before she goes to sleep for her naps.

Sorry if this is a bit long winded. Please let me know if you have had similar experiences/this has worked for you?

OP posts:

latrucha · 19/12/2010 17:09

DD was as bad at this age. It was her teeth. They gave us and her no rest, even with Calpol etc. Crying wouldn't have worked because it was pain keeping her awake. The only way we could cope was to take her into bed.

seeker · 19/12/2010 17:11

If she's crying she wants something. Take her into bed with you and you'll all get sleep. Which is what you want.

BusyMisstletoeIzzy · 19/12/2010 17:11

"She is a big girl, 7.6kg and on 75th centile, so technically doesn't "need" feeding."

I could be wrong, but I always though that bigger babies tended to need more food, not less?

IMO 5mo babies don't cry for no reason; she may be hungry, or she may just want a cuddle, but if she's crying for long periods, there's probably a reason for it.

sheeplikessleep · 19/12/2010 17:11

I think waking 2/3 times a night and being up for the day from 5am isnt that bad with a baby not yet weaned! 4-6 months is a notorious time for poor sleep.

if you were me, i'd bring baby into bed, feed when baby wakes and just keep things very low key from 5am, just cuddle in dark room. then 'start' the day, bright lights etc from 7am.

NinkyNonker · 19/12/2010 17:12

What time is she going to bed? Cause I started getting cross that 4.5 mo old DD was waking at 5ish every morning as her 'get up time', but after some research found that newborns need around 12 hrs at night but at this age they only need around 10 hrs. therefore, put her to bed at 7 and 5ish becomes morning.

I wouldn't leave her to cry, personally I don't think there are any lessons I want her to learn that crying will teach her. When she wakes at 5 I bring her in with us (normally in moses basket by bed), feed her lying down and she sometimes nods off again for a bit.

When she gets to past 6 months I will leave her to grizzle a little longer perhaps, but not full on controlled crying. Have you read 'No Cry Sleep Solutions'?

MoonUnitAlpha · 19/12/2010 17:14

I do know how you feel, my 4.5 month old has been waking a lot at night recently (though only needs 1 feed at 10.30pm and 1 at about 4am). I do let him cry, but in my arms and he only cries for a few minutes - we're also trying to get rid of the dummy as it falling out was waking him up more often. I wouldn't leave him to cry alone and I wouldn't let him cry if there's a chance he's hungry.

Porcelain · 19/12/2010 17:14

Incidentally ds is 4 months 19 lbs (91st) and feeds a lot , he's better at night now, but he's just been through a growth spurt/sleep regression where he was waking hourly at worst 3 at best.

Lulumaam · 19/12/2010 17:15

babies do have frequent growth spurts and even if they have been settled and sleeping happily, they can suddenly start waking in the night again, I know both my DCs did this

LadyBiscuit · 19/12/2010 17:16

LilyBolero - I don't think there's anything wrong with leaving a baby to cry for a short time. But leaving them to cry for 'long periods' is horrible, however tired you are. And yes I do remember what it was like and it was beyond grim. But that's pretty much what you accept might be the deal when you're the parent of a young baby

NinkyNonker · 19/12/2010 17:18

PS: Sometimes DH is better at settling her than me, perhaps it is the smell of milk. She isn't really a crier as such, but if she ever does get het up a nice tight cuddle from her, that becomes a rock normally settles her and sends her off. Swaddling helps her too as she is very arm wavy at the moment.

I'm not flaming you at all as you sound very tired and worried, and I am not a lentil weaver who will never ever ever let a baby cry but 5.5mo is too young IMO. Most babies are only learning at 6 mo that their parents still exist when they can't see them, she might be scared. If it was just attention I think after 2 wks the habit would be breaking, I think she wants something. Even if it isn't food or a change comfort is equally valid.

sungirltan · 19/12/2010 17:18

sigh. you know that 'sleep through the night' only means 5 hours??

i will try not to have a massive unhelpful rant but what did you think having a baby entailed? for the first 6 months or so anyway? they cry - at the slightest thing and leaving them to cry flood their brains with cortisol and makes it difficult for them to deal with stress/emotion when they are older. i would recommend the books 'why love matters' and 'what every parent needs to know' for the referrences.

if you baby is breastfed then consider co sleeping. there is ntohing wrong with it apart from the inconvinience to you but if you are desperate for sleep you will learn to sleep that way.

i do sympathise though. i have had those nights with my dd where i can't even eat my dinner because i cant get dd down to sleep and have felt v frustrated but it passes and dd slept much better a month into weaning and has ever since - that was from 7 months.

babies need to feel veey sure that you will ocme back so really the more you respond the less you dc will cry - there is also factual evidence for this - babies not left to cry, cry less anyway.

good luck

NinkyNonker · 19/12/2010 17:20

Sorry, cuddle from him.

LilyBolero · 19/12/2010 17:20

LadyBiscuit, I do agree with you, but I also think there's a difference to logically accepting that this is what you expect when you have a new baby, and actually physically being able to constantly be up and down night after night - there comes a point where in the blackness of the night - 2:30-3:00 is my low point, when I know there's potentially 3-4 more hours of crying/feeding to go - when you are broken by it. And although you might have any number of ideals, sometimes things give in the middle of the night.

NinkyNonker · 19/12/2010 17:21

And can second "Why love matters", well worth reading.

MoonUnitAlpha · 19/12/2010 17:28

Even if you don't want to get her up when she cries, could you stroke her face or hold her hand or something? Just so she doesn't feel alone/abandoned.

LeftoverQueen · 19/12/2010 17:28

Are you sure she isn't cold?
Could she be teething?
My DD was still awake 2 times in the night at 5 months, and didn't sleep through till 8 months once weaning was well established. If you go in and feed her does hse settle back to sleep - if she still cries then this would suggest feeding is not the problem.

Try and be methodical about getting to the root of the problem. I believe babies cry for a physical reason - not just ' I want a cuddle or I'm scared' - not at 5 months old.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 19/12/2010 17:29

is there not some kind of middle ground to be found here? I do agree that most babies will not do 7-7, and that the OP should accept this, especially the 5am wakings.

But Ghostie, if you really are desperate, and I mean desperate, crashing the car level exhausted, then I think using sleep training to get a 5-6 hour block of sleep (which may not be the 5-6 that are most convenient to you) most nights is acceptable, even if it's not ideal.

DD1 eventually did her 5-6 hour block from 8pm. So I went to bed at 8pm.

MumNWLondon · 19/12/2010 17:30

At that age, I would only leave to cry straight after a feed. In terms of waking at 5am, would try and settle them at that time, in bed with me if necessary, but look at day time sleep to think if anything could be changed.

mumblecrumble · 19/12/2010 17:39

DOn;t worry OP. This will not last forever!

That was the most most comforting thing somebody told me when DD was like this. ..

So you have other kids? Are you on maternity leave?

Is it at all possible for you to cat nap during the day?

Feed as much as you can during the day especially in the evening, do as much as you can during the day - walks, meeting people... Allow regular sleeps during the day as these promote good sleeping routines and hang in there.

I am a FIRM believer that babies sleep better when they feel confident their carer will get them if they need them and that controlled crying totally goes against this till about 18 months or so...

Man, that was easier said than done.. hugs toyou OP. Its the hardest work in the world

lucybrad · 19/12/2010 17:40

I think that everyone has very different ideas.

I personally dont agree with taking the baby into bed with you. I think they will get used to it, and therefore wake, be rewarded with cuddles in your bed, thus making it more likely to happen and harder to break.

I agree the dummy may be waking the baby, as it drops out then they dont have it and get fretful.

I think that the baby may wake hungry, and if you are sure they are not hungry try some cooled bottled water.

I think some babys cry while settling themselves and that may take 5-10 mins of gentle crying, and I think this is ok. After that I would be inclined to settle them with a hand and shhusshing, instead of picking them up whcih may wake them more. Imaginge if you were really tired and were crying with tiredness and someone kept picking you up.

Thats the way I see it though may on here will think I am a terrible mother!

wekingbeat23oforientare · 19/12/2010 17:42

i seem to remember that at this age, DD had a sleep regression and i started weaning her around this time. THEN i started thinking about dropping feeds, but only on her cue. Plus they go through a growth spurt around 5/6 months-ish.

Yes, it's hellish, but I did some sleep training of staying with her until she went to sleep and not getting her out of the bed, some days it could be up to an hour or 2 but not letting her cry it out.

Although, I may not be the best person to give advice as she has started doing it again for the past week and the only thing that gets her to sleep is if i put her in my bed with the lights off until she is fast asleep and then transfering her into her own cot, she wakes at 3/4 crying for a cuddle and in she pops again until 8.

Talking to my parents about it recently, who were very gf in thier approach to child care now have the idea that as long as you are happy and the child is, then it doesn't matter if you use a dummy or not, just that you are both happy with the arrangements...

dont know if any of this is going to help.

Timeforabiscuit · 19/12/2010 17:44

I secong Lily

Fibilou · 19/12/2010 17:45

YABU. And I think you know that.

vinocollapso · 19/12/2010 17:45

Poor you - my son is this age and wakes 3 - 4 times a night, and I just feed him every time. It's what he wants, it's faster and I figure that until he's weaned fully, what else is there to do? He's 17lbs and in the 99th centile! I haven't had 3 hours sleep in one block since July!!!

I know it's horrible, my boy also wakes at 5am and at best naps 3 hours a day (in 3 separate naps) - the days are long, you're exhausted and can barely function! But it will pass.

I think you have to throw away the books and avoid people who's babies sleep 12 hours a night, and just hunker down. It won't be forever, and you'll know that you are doing the very best for your baby now, when she needs it.

Are you getting pressure from somewhere about this? My DP took a while to realise this was what life was like now!

Hang on in there. xxx

sea74 · 19/12/2010 17:47

Ghostie, i have read only your initiaal message..

"Distressing" for you??????????
DISTRESSING FOR HER!!!!

Please get up and give her a bootle, she is 5 months old, for god's sake.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread