to expect a toddlers parent to stay overnight in hospital?

[wheresmytractor]

Last night I spent the night in hospital with my youngest son who is 16 months old. He has a possible chest infection, brochial wheeze and needed a nebuliser, inhaler, steroids, antibiotics and a nose tube with oxygen during the night.

Right next to us another toddler is brought in about 7pm. She was about the same age as my little one and had the same thing, except she actually sounded worse, a very croupy cough and quite distressed.

The nurse started to run through how the chair folds out to a bed so the mum could stay when she says "Oh, i'm not staying, i'm shattered" . She left 5 minutes later. This poor little girl howled and whinned ALL NIGHT. She would only settle a bit when she cried herself to sleep (only to wake not long after with her cough and needing her inhaler) and when a nurse cuddled her. I felt so so sorry for her. My little one needed lots of cuddles last night and I got only a little uncomfortable sleep, but I would not DREAM of leaving him there all night alone.

The mum waltzed in at 11am this morning, and I thought what a bloody cow for leaving her daughter distressed and alone and for placing that additional burden on the nurses.

So am I being unreasonable to think this?

Like I said, there was I time when I smelt. I am not the sort of person who, normally, smells. But I think that sums some of the physical and emotional exhaustion up. I was there every night except one, when DH was with him, and almost all of every day - partly because I was expressing for him, partly because I couldn't tear myself away.

But we were in for 6 weeks - very different to 6 days, but also very different from 6 months. We had 2 parents, 1 child, 1 job, enough money, a supportive granny. I think the worst bit was when DH and my mother both came down with a bug, didn't want to pass it on to DS and so stayed away, which meant I was on my own for a week. That was I think when the smelling incident occurred... But given how hard I found it, in those circs and with that support, I totally understand how not everyone can stay, all the time. There may even be a place for (carefully vetted..) volunteers in hospitals, to play with sick children and cuddle sick babies whose parents aren't there.

I have spent several long stints in hospital wih DS, and observed and inter-acted with many parents.

I used to wonder how people left tiny babies in hospital, but getting to know the parents it was obvious that the babies were fine, and that in order to keep up the strength to keep going they absolutely needed some time away from the hospital. One brave and lovly woman, a friend, who had a baby in NICU told me that she was so frightened that her baby would die that she was scared to bond too closely, and needed to create a little distance. Really, you can't judge something like that unless you have been in her shoes.

there are things I have judged, and my heart bleeds for the child who:

Was left in his cot the night before his op, aged about 3, by parents who breezed off saying they were staying with friends nearby and would be expected for a dinner party. The child cried all night, keeping DP who was in with DS awake, DP did his best to comfort the child, giving him teddies and singing to him etc. Parents breezed in at about 10am saying it was good that they had had a full cooked breakfast and a good night's sleep. DP told the the child had cried, and they said 'oh, that's off, he usually sleeps through'.

The mother who had already slapped her child, aged 6 (post op) who was in pain and was frightened because the nurse was removing a cannula, he lashed out and hit him Mum, she slapped him and shouted at him. She then went, while he was asleep, and without warning him, to go to the pub down the road to watch the football. She didn't tel the nurses she had gone, either. Child v distressed, she returned drunk at about 1am.

Most parents do their very best in miserable circumstances, though there are many women who spend hours on their mobiles trying to persuade partners / dads to visit.

I would sleep on the floor if I had to. If I had other dc I would find a friend to care for them as a sick child needs their mummy - no question! YADNBU

well yes i agree that Mozhe does sound a very strange lady... is she for real??

Tori it's not always that simple.

I agree going off on holiday is odd but that's very different to nipping home for a few hours sleep

I stupidly keep coming back to this thread.

And I agree with Vin, Unwind and Littlebaby. Some people have no idea.

I was not allowed to stay on DSs PICU ward - neither were the other 20 parents there just wasn't space (and the ward sister would have got mad had she known).

I was there in a Ronald McDonald house not far away for four months (length of first stay). KerryMumbles had every parent demanded to stay and taken that attitude of having to stay the ward would have not had the space to provide the level of care needed for those babies. It is not always a selfish act.

Also DS has spent many long periods in hospital. With a disabled DH who also spends nights in hospital and DD at home who should I prioritise first??

People stop giving a shit about families with long term health conditions because it's long term and tough going. Everyone was really supportive when DS was first diagnosed. Now DS gets no visitors when he stays in hospital. Peoples sympathy deteriorates and you have to have coping strategies in place (and that sometimes means a child gets left in hospital for a night on their own).

Those who get judgemental about parents who cannot stay should actually just consider themselves lucky enough to have a support network in place so that they at least have the choice. :(

I didnt even know until fairly recently that parents are not allowed to stay with NICU babies.

That must be heartbreaking. I just cannot imagine having to leave your tiny, poorly baby and go home

This thread must be upsetting for parents who really cannot stay with their children. But it seems to be condeming those who wont, not cant.

I used to feel guilty about staying with DD all the time (I know, become a parent and feel guilty about anything). She was 12 when dx and only just beginning to get some independance. Suddenly she was with her mum 24/7. I did try and get out for a walk every day (it cost me a fortune as my local 'park' was Oxford St!).
Mostly she would be ok when I got back but quite a few times she wouldnt. Someone would have come in and wanted to do something, didnt listen to her when she said 'I cant have that etc' or she might have suddenly (it happens like that) got very very sick.

Once my neice visited and bought a friend's mother. She had no idea what was going to happen but the nutter started praying and throwing holy water about. My poor girl was terrified. I never left her again after that. I had popped home to see the boys. I just couldnt do it again.

When she became terminal my OH did some overnights so I could get the house ready for her. He had no idea that you had to make sure her blood was crossed matched early in the day or her transfusion wouldnt happen till nighttime. This would mean 15 min obs all through and no sleep. He thought things just got down. He didnt know how to read her blood results and tell if she needed a BT or if her platlets were low and to alert the 12 year old SHOs . Because I didnt tell him all this stuff. I didnt want him to have to know. So I would get back and find DD distressed and OH confused and angry.

My DS1 has not forgiven me for 'leaving him'. I have had an awful year with him. He hated me and blamed me for everything. I couldnt leave my DD but had abandoned my DS1 and 2. DS2 was only 1 when DD was dx and had already lost his birth mother. Then I fucked off and left him. I am sure that did him the world of good

We did it for two years. I dont think we could have lasted any longer. It would have probably made OH MS much much worse, we would have lost the house, DS2's development would have been even more delayed. The strange thing is I never got sick the whole two years. I had odd things happen to me like I would wake up with clawed hands and I was in pain most of the time. I never got a cold though, not once.

Long term childhood illness is devastating for families. I belive there are high rates of divorce/seperation and I am not suprised.

At the end of all that - we were left without her. Its bollocks really.

Mrs DeVere you sound like a wonderful mother. I am so sorry.

Thank you theoleon.

The fact is there are horrible parents who neglect their children. They are not going become brilliant, caring parents just because their kids are admitted to hospital.

If they are selfish, it will be all about them and how they are being put out.

If they have mental health issues it is likely to make them worse and therefore harder for them to function (I am not lumping all people with MHIs as crap parents btw)
If they are chaotic drug users or drinkers, their kids going into hospital is likely to make them look to the thing that helps them cope even more.

I suspect there are some who are ok parents but it takes a hospital admission to push them over into being not brilliant.

Who knows? Children shouldnt be left alone if it is possible for a parent/carer to stay with them. Hospitals are not set up for children to be unnaccompanied nowdays. Sick kids need their parents.

The parents on here who are feeling crap about having to leave their kids are not bad parents, if they were they wouldnt give a toss.

Its about ideals isnt it? Ideally a child would always have a parent with them, ideally hosptials would be staffed so there would be people there who could hold a child's hand and feed them, ideally kids wouldnt get fucking cancer or cf or sickle cell or anything horrible.

If we go back to the OP taken at face value, the woman was wrong to leave her child. But mostly you just cant tell why a child has been left or how the parents are feeling about it.

I remember a docu about scubu and a very young woman wasnt coming in to see her baby. It was very easy to feel judgy and see her as selfish. Turns out the poor girl was a fairly new asylum seeker, didnt speak much english, was in shock and did not realise that in this country you could spend time in the hospital with your child.

The thread is a bit confused (as are my posts, sorry) because this is about seperate issues. Those that deliberatly leave their children and those that have to leave them.
Very different IMO.

Mrs Devere - your first post made me cry, that second post was spot on and should really be the end of any debate as it sums it up perfectly

Thank you . Sorry I made you cry.

bloody hell kerrymumbles that is exactly it isn't it? parents who put their own needs before their dcs.her responses were unbelievable.

she could not help her newborn

she could take a holiday to give herself time to recover and prepare her older dc for what was to come

I admit I dont know the whole story Unwind but I dont get that.

She couldnt help her newborn? Being there would help. I couldnt 'help' my DD, I couldnt make her better but I had to be there.

As I understand it she went thousands of miles away. When you have a child in scubu/nicu/itu etc things happen hour by hour. She could have been a day away with no way of getting home.

How would that help her baby, her other children or herself if something happened?

It was a wind up...

I can understand needing a break, but being the other side of the world when something could go wrong in a split second, I couldn't risk that.

I am also surprised about one PP not being allowed in the recovery room? Weird. My DH's kids have all had ops and he's been allowed in every time (including when his DS was confused and whacked the nurse - oops)

DS2 (4 months today) was in hospital for 2 weeks after a repair to an aortic coarctation when he was 10 days old. As others have said, I was not able to be with him in PICU post-op for the four days he was there. It was the most awful experience in the world leaving him, although I'm pretty sure he didn't know, with him being unconscious and ventilated. Once he was in HDU, I stayed with him. I was very lucky in that my parents live in the city where the hospital was and were able to look after DS1. I felt that I was being torn in two as DS1 needed his mummy too.

If something happened, how would her being there help?

I've recently listened, in great detail, to my friend's account of her newborn DD's final hours. It was unbearably traumatic for her, watching her baby's life slip away. She could do nothing to help (besides getting her drugs to ease the suffering, which I hope would have happened anyway). I could understand not wanting to witness that. I could understand wanting to be with your other children instead, and seeking distraction.

Though, like everyone else, I imagine that I would not do that in her shoes, but in reality - who knows? She could not help her baby, she could help herself recover and prepare her older children.

Unwind - being with your child when they die is awful. Being away from them when the die must be a million times worse.

I do not think that would aid recovery. You cant prepare for the death of a child IMO. Even if you know its going to happen.