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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SAHMs at my school don't pull their weight?

257 replies

Donningflakjacket · 16/12/2010 11:40

Our school governing body is struggling to find someone to take over as chair, because we are all working mums or dads who find it hard to find the time to be a governor anyway, never mind the extra responsibilities of chair. There are NO SAHM on the board of governors and no SAHMs have even put themselves forward in the last 3 years - even though about 20% of the school are SAHMs.

Why are none of these people prepared to do their bit to help the school educate their child? They are more than happy to moan when the school doesn't do something well but not prepared to actually take some responsibility.

And also, if you are a SAHM don't talk to me about the pressures of work when you have no idea! And especially don't talk to me about pressure of work and then expect me to run round sorting costumes and presses for a night out.

Ok, rant over. You can throw your biscuits now.

OP posts:
donkeyderby · 17/12/2010 09:56

Any group that struggles to get committee members needs to have a good hard look at itself and think of ways to make it more attractive. This could be dividing up work and giving people specific tasks that do not overwhelm - sometimes, people will not volunteer if they worry that they will be overburdened or out of their depth.
Ask yourself how it would feel to walk into a room of strangers and find ways to make it easier and more enticing. Lets face it, committees are really boring at times.

I think the OP is right to feel overburdened herself - why all the aggro? Are SAHM's really so lacking in confidence in their position in society that they have to lay into someone who dare suggests that they aren't doing enough? She would be wrong if she thought ALL SAHM's are lazy though

NestaFiesta · 17/12/2010 10:13

donkey, a lot of SAHMs are doing unpaid work, child care, or even working from home. You are right though about committees needing an incentive to join. The impression I get from my PTA is of a needy committee that wants my last 4.5 minutes of free time that I get a day.

Its not really a question of confidence, its a matter of why should I reorganise my already chock a block day to do something I haven't the time or childcare to be able to attend?

Your last sentence implies that some SAHMs are lazy which may be true, as it may be of any group of people, but the implications are a bit insulting.

donkeyderby · 17/12/2010 10:43

I am well aware of SAHM's unpaid work Nesta. I only work very part-time and I am a parent-carer of a severely disabled DS1 with challenging behaviour and I am on several committees relating to disabled children. That is why I don't join the PTA at DS2's mainstream school and I don't feel remotely guilty about it. I always think, other people who don't work and who don't have disabled children can do that! Perhaps the OP is just thinking, why am I doing this AND working? Fair enough, why the aggro?

ReindeerBollocks · 17/12/2010 10:53

I am a lazy SAHM Hmm

The OP burdened herself with the extra work by being on the board of governors (and I bet she brags about it too). Go cajole some mums into it if you must, or at least ask why they won't volunteer.

Then come back and post the responses here - I could do with a laugh.

You do what you want in your free time OP - but it's not for you to tell me what to do in mine :)

ClenchedBottom · 17/12/2010 10:54

BeerTricks - thanks for your kind words.
Am gutted at the prospect of losing my job. I work with children with SEN. Presumably they won't have SEN once the Big Society stuff kicks in then........

ClenchedBottom · 17/12/2010 10:55

I'm still saddened by some of the attitudes on here though. Why does there have to be so much aggro? So many unpleasant assumptions?

ReindeerBollocks · 17/12/2010 11:01

Clenched - the op set the tone by making sweeping generalisations about SAHM and insulting them too. That is why people have responded in the manner they have.

Sorry to hear about your job though, I hope you are able to find a solution.

uggmum · 17/12/2010 11:05

The reason I don't volunteer is because I find too many people like the op are on the pta.

Too full of their own self importance with a very large ego.

Niecie · 17/12/2010 11:56

jugglingjo - I would disagree that you should ideally have a background in education to be a governor.

We had a couple who are in education (a music teacher and somebody who works in the LEA) and one of them got bored and left (the other is the chair admittedly).

However, the head has repeatedly said she values the contributions of the rest us specifically because we don't work in education and she has never worked anywhere else. We can bring other skills. I have a finance/accounting background, somebody else works in health and safety which is a big thing in schools at the moment(especially with Ofsted), somebody else in building maintenance which has proved useful when prioritising what to do in a building that is 45 yrs old. Just working in commerce provides a different take on how a school could be run.

I don't think anybody should be put off by not working in education - you can learn the ropes in your school easily enough and make a valuable contribution too.

Niecie · 17/12/2010 11:59

Sorry jugglingjo - wasn't trying to be negative by the way, just didn't want anybody to be put off becoming a governor because they don't think they have the right background. So long as you have an interest it doesn't matter what you do for a living, which of course includes being a SAHP.Xmas Smile

NestaFiesta · 17/12/2010 12:13

donkey- the reason for the aggro is that OP is making assumptions, judgements and decisions based on ignorance of other people's time and committments.

OP is deciding that anyone who doesn't have the same life as her should use their spare time to do what she does. Result=aggro.

Also, some peopel who don't work and don't have disabnled children still can't get childcare to attend meetings. I can't for instance. My DH is home at unreliable hours and I've nobody near to leave my 2 kids with. They also go to bed at 7 and 7.30 so between 5 and 7.30 I am tied up, like most Mums, whether they are WOHM or SAHMs.

I think why the OP has rattled so many cages is that she is assuming SAHMs have never worked and have loads of free time anf have decided paid jobs are a mug's game. This is ignorant and offensive.

KazzieG · 17/12/2010 12:46

Well I have been an LEA governor at my children's primary school for the last 8 yrs and have just put my name down for the PTA at my 11 yr olds new high school Hmm. I am a part time SAHM and am doing a p/t degree with squillions of assignments and exams. However, that is totally choice as I like to be involved in my children's school life, it is an interest to me to know what goes on behind the scenes and to know that I personally have contributed in that. Other people do different things with their lives to contribute to society and unless you know what each and every parent has going on in their lives it is unfair to judge, and even if they have nothing going on, that is up to them :)

donkeyderby · 17/12/2010 13:14

Nesta I admit I haven't read all the comments but I assume that noone in their right mind - including the OP - is expecting those who have very young kids, or who are single parents etc., to be able to contribute as much as she does.

But I understand her frustrations. In life, there are always people who do not contribute and can. I know them, you probably know them. I imagine, the OP is talking about that group, NOT people like you who can't get out or people like me who have lots of other commitments and stresses

donkeyderby · 17/12/2010 13:16

If I were the OP and I was attacked so heavily for suggesting that others could maybe contribute to her PTA, I would turn round and resign tomorrow and let someone else do it

ClenchedBottom · 17/12/2010 13:22

Reindeer - thank you for your kind words about my redundancy. There are going to be lots like me, I suppose.

I think what has saddened me is an OP which ok contained some generalisations etc - and has been met with %1000 more of them in return. So now anyone who does want to help is an egotistical clique-promoting snob, or whatever.

Balance in all things, we'd all agree I'm sure. Sorry. I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself today and reading this hasn't helped.

donkeyderby · 17/12/2010 13:25

Such is life on the AIBU board Clenched. You are as good as your opening post and then a whole new momentum takes over!

I hope you take some morsels of comfort from the few who don't think you are being unreasonable. Some of this has to be a case of 'thou dost protest too much'

docket · 17/12/2010 13:40

Even by AIBU standards, this is a particularly horrible OP. SAHM or WOHM, I wouldn't join your governing body, your attitude stinks!

Rev084 · 17/12/2010 13:54

I'm a SAHM, though my one and only daughter is only 2. Though I would never put myself forward as a governor, sounds too boring to me. Also, I'd expect that when my daughter is at school, the teachers are responsible for educating my daughter, not me.

My responsibility would lie with helping my daughter practice reading, writing etc when at home in addition to other extra curricular activities. Which is what I do already, she can count and is getting quite good at the alphabet.

If I helped with the school at all, it would be with actual interesting activities like helping children read and attending school trips just like my mother did.

Oh, and when I worked in the NHS before I had my daughter, many of the part-time ladies with children said they come to work 'for a rest'. Now I know what they mean.

ClenchedBottom · 17/12/2010 13:56

donkey - I'm not the OP!

donkeyderby · 17/12/2010 14:51

oh, your are obviously taking the flak for donningtheflakjacket then!

donkeyderby · 17/12/2010 14:52

Rev I'm assuming you can't have been a nurse then!

fedupofnamechanging · 17/12/2010 15:00

Even if a SAHM could become a governor or do more at the school, she is not obliged to. A SAHM responsibility is to look after her DC. That's it. She is not obligated to do anything else. No one else has the right to tell a SAHP what they ought to be doing with their time.

I think the OP should concentrate on her own life and stay out of everybody elses!

capricorn76 · 17/12/2010 16:57

I'm on maternity leave. Today I got up at 9am, had my breakfast, surfed the net, went to yoga and I'm about to go and have a pedicure. I don't have to apologise for the way I spend my free time especially as it will be over when this baby arrives.

Being on the PTA really isn't my type of thing and I don't apologise for it. If you want to volunteer go ahead but that doesn't mean that anyone else is obliged to.

You don't sound like someone I'd want to spend my spare time with anyway...Can't stand martyrs.

PURPLESWAN · 17/12/2010 17:08

Well im a WAHM but I am sure a lot of people assume I am a SAHM.

From my point of view I do find the kind of "joining and running things" type parents on the PTA extremely intimidating and cliquey - no doubt they were all either on the sports team at school or prefects!

Im a confident happy satisfied person but within 2 minutes of being in their presence they revert me to the unhappy self doubting nervous child I was at school and sorry I am just not willing to go there again.

Probably just me!

jugglingjo · 17/12/2010 17:46

Three thoughts -

  1. I was merely suggesting that people think carefully before becoming a parent governor, because in my experience it can be quite dull at times. But I've decided I'm not really a committee person Wink
It was less dull for me than it would otherwise have been because of my background in Nursery Teaching ( It was a Nursery School )
  1. People seem a little confused about the difference between a being a parent governor, and being on the PTA.
Fair enough, they both contribute to a happy and good school, in their different ways.
  1. The OP mentions that only 20% of parents at the school in question are SAHM's.
Could it be that a large proportion have small children, and will go back to work at a later date ? So, perhaps not surprising that there don't happen to have been any SAHM's volunteering as parent governors for 3 years ( not that long anyway )

I think there can be a confidence issue as well. I've noticed a disproportionate number of professional men putting themselves forward for the role, compared to women and those from other backgrounds.