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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my twelve year old daughter dating a boy of fourteen?

151 replies

veryberry21 · 12/12/2010 19:48

My twelve year old daughter recently started going out with a boy in year ten (shes only in year seven)hes fouteen and next august due to turn fifteen.
I have four children and i wasn't aware of the fact my daughter was in a relationship with someone until my fourteen year old son told me in passing he didn't like his little sister dating a guy the same as as him.
I'm slightly worried abput her, he seems nice although i've only met him once and i'm pretty sure he won't hurt her, but seeing him in comparison to her she loks tiny.
My daughter jess has three older brothers and well i know shes safe with them protecting her but would it be unreasonable to tell her she couldn't see him anymore.

OP posts:

QOD · 12/12/2010 19:51

Oh tough one. Depends how much freedom she gets, my dd doesn't go anywhere really that she could be at any risk anyway.

They are at same school I take it? LOTS of supervision and not very much freedom for her I would say

SerendipitousHarlot · 12/12/2010 19:51

Come on now.... you know what you will happen if you forbid it - we've all been there

However, if I'm honest, I wouldn't like my dd dating at 12, I think it's a bit young.

ohdearyme11 · 12/12/2010 20:15

12 is too young.

flaine · 12/12/2010 20:18

Your 12yr old daughter is "in a relationship" with a 14yr old.

Absolutely way too young to be in any kind of relationship with anyone.

In no way should you allow this. What do you think her boyfriend is hoping for.

She is a child, a very young child who in no way is ready for an emotional relationship.

You are the adult and she is the child and the only relationship she is equipped to have is one of love and trust with her parents and family.

LetThereBeRock · 12/12/2010 20:19

Twelve year olds are too young to be dating imho.

ChippingIn · 12/12/2010 20:26

flaine - do you not remember being that age?

Very I wouldn't be happy about it - but you know the best way to make her stay with him don't you Talk to her.

missmoopy · 12/12/2010 20:27

TOO TOO YOUNG!

I know what I was doing at 14 that I wasn't doing at 12 if you know what I mean.

harpsichordcarrier · 12/12/2010 20:29

hmmm, tricky and depends on the girl really.
It is pretty commonplace for year sevens to be 'going out' but tbh usually with EACH OTHER or year eights - year ten is QUITE A GAP imo.
I would speak to her honestly about it, that you are worried but fgs DON'T forbid it - that would be hugely counterproductive.

harpsichordcarrier · 12/12/2010 20:31

but 12 year olds AREN'T doing what 14 year olds do that's the point
they are doing what 12 year olds do.... which is pretty innocent tbh ime.
I am a secondary school teacher and spent last year as a tutor to a y7 class. I would say a good quarter- third had a boyfriend/girlfriend over the course of the year.
really nothing to get too too worried about, unless you have particular concerns about THIS boy and THIS girl and THIS relationship.
And yes I remember being 12

marriednotmulled · 12/12/2010 20:38

When DD was 12, a boy aged 14 appeared on the scene and she asked if we would let her go out with him. We said no, she was too young and luckily she accepted it.

A year later, we saw him with his heavily pregnant girlfriend.

missmoopy · 12/12/2010 20:53

I know they're not, harpsichord, and thats why it is too young!! He is 14. She is 12.

Its only 2 years but the development in those 2 years is huge. I would be worried as to what a 14 year old boy would expect/want.

sharbie · 12/12/2010 20:56

wayyyyyy too young to be dating especially a 14 yr old imo

melpomene · 12/12/2010 20:59

That is scary marriednotmulled (the pg gf bit).

Bairyheaver · 12/12/2010 21:05

I do think 12 is too young for boyfriends, but I think if I was the mother of the 14 yr old boy I'd be pretty peeved at the expectation that he would take advantage!

AuntieMaggie · 12/12/2010 21:10

Sorry but I started 'dating' when I was 12 - I also know a couple of girls that got pg at that age....

If you're too strict then it'll encourage secrecy about it so I would suggest you go with it but perhaps encourage them to spend time at your house???

AuntieMaggie · 12/12/2010 21:16

Should add that also girls tend to go for older boys as boys their own age tend to be too immature around this age - or was in my experience....

Your DDs friends probably think she's great for going out with an older boy.

I wouldn't forbid it but would talk to her about contraception, relationships in general and getting pregnant so she has the courage and confidence to say no to anything she doesn't want to do but also feels able to talk to you if anything does happen. Coincidentally I was talking to a girl today who was 8 months pg by the time her parents found out - she hid it because she knew they would go mad and they did.

But you need to talk to her about sex in a way that doesn't say that you think thats what she's going to do and that if you think she's going to do it she might as well do it if you know what i mean???

penguin73 · 12/12/2010 21:18

As a teacher I think there is generally a huge difference in the maturity levels between Y7 and Y10 and what they want out of a relationship. However you know your daughter best...but as a minimum I would be wanting to meet this person properly before condoning a relationship and also wanting to know why your son has issues with this - is it just the embarrassment factor or is he aware of things that are making him worry about his little sister?

fayc84 · 12/12/2010 21:19

If you forbid it she will likely be more determined to make the 'relationship' carry on. Talk to her about it and hope that the novelty wears off soon. You said the boy seems nice so try to think about if it was one of your sons with a younger girlfriend - no need to jump to conclusions about anyone being taken advantage of. If you weren't aware of her dating it probably isn't that serious, just holding hands in the playground and the likes, so I'm sure she'll be fine.

harpsichordcarrier · 12/12/2010 21:26

yes, but THIS 14 year old may NOT want anything more than she would be comfortable with

ChippingIn · 12/12/2010 21:30

Penguin - you don't actually need to be a teacher to know there is a big difference between a 12 year old and a 14 year old or in maturity of Y7's and Y10's - the rest of us 'non teachers' aren't clueless idiots you know.

Wanting to meet him before condoning a relationship is making this so much bigger than it is - it is a couple of kids 'going out' FFS they aren't booking a weekend in Blackpool.

OP - as I said before, just talk to her. It wouldn't hurt to get her big brothers to show their presence either :)

linziluv · 12/12/2010 21:40

I had boyfriends that age at 12...my parents wouldn't allow us up to my bedroom unless with a group. I managed to stay a virgin until 15! Not every 14yr old boy wants to rip his girlfriends clothes off! It totally depends on the girl/boy...I was a mature and strong willed teen!
Opposing it will make things worse. Encourage her to talk to you about him. It's rarely "serious" at that age...he'll no doubt be history in 3 weeks! IME of course

GothAnneGeddes · 12/12/2010 21:44

Does nobody say 'no' to their children anymore?

And yes, 12 is a child.

ChippingIn · 12/12/2010 21:49

Goth - that's daft. Of course people say no. I expect the OP will say 'No, you aren't going to that party' 'No he can't sleep over' or whatever - but it is futile saying 'No, you can't call this boy your boyfriend' Futile and will only push them together. Far better to talk to her DD about her worries than to say 'No, you can't call him your boyfriend - because I say so'.

GothAnneGeddes · 12/12/2010 21:57

Would you all be so forgiving and 'let her get on with it' if it were drugs or alcohol?

'Aaah, let her have that vodka if she wants, if we say no she'll just want it all the more'.

You have to draw a line somewhere, yet all these threads always seem to be about, let them do it or they'll do it behind your back anyway. Depressing.

zukiecat · 12/12/2010 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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