my twelve year old daughter dating a boy of fourteen?

[veryberry21]

My twelve year old daughter recently started going out with a boy in year ten (shes only in year seven)hes fouteen and next august due to turn fifteen.
I have four children and i wasn't aware of the fact my daughter was in a relationship with someone until my fourteen year old son told me in passing he didn't like his little sister dating a guy the same as as him.
I'm slightly worried abput her, he seems nice although i've only met him once and i'm pretty sure he won't hurt her, but seeing him in comparison to her she loks tiny.
My daughter jess has three older brothers and well i know shes safe with them protecting her but would it be unreasonable to tell her she couldn't see him anymore.

Completely different.

I would sit down and talk about my concerns and ask her to be sensible. 12yo is still young enough that they should be listening to you more than their peers.
Most of my peers were in some kind of "relationship" at age 12 (1979), or desperately wanted to be. I think this is an opportunity to explore the issues, set boundaries, set ground rules for the future.

According to most MNers 17yo is still "a child"!? , that whole "still a child" thing is rapidly losing credibility with me.

It is different -

Drinking alcohol - harmful
Taking drugs - harmful
Call a boy her boyfriend - harmless

She's not letting her trip the light fantastic with him - but she cannot stop her daughter calling this boy her boyfriend nor seeing him at school and any talk of 'forbidding' it will just make her more determined to do it - and it's pointless.

She is 17 she is not a child - she is a young adult.

LOL - no of course your kids never did anything you 'forbid' them to do.

Chipping In - boyfriends can be very, very harmful actually.

I was madly in love with a guy when I was 13. It lasted 3 years. He was almost 4 years older than me. He left me when I was 16.

My father pretty much followed me everywhere, there was a clear ban on meeting him and all. It made it much more romantic and interesting. Until then, I had a fantastic relationship with my parents. No secrets, no nothing. It all changed at that point. I could not trust them. They were the enemy.

You can feel love when you are 12. Perhaps is not 'mature' love, but it is a very strong feeling. Probably stronger than the 'real love' you can experience as a 'real adult'.

She needs to make her own mistakes. There is nothing you can stop. My parents did not believe me when I said I have had nothing like sex with the guy. The first time I had sex (as full intercourse, the only thing parents seem to worry about) I was 19.

Keep the communication open. There is nothing normal or not-normal. There is only your daughter, her level of maturity and how she feels. You are not a friedn, but you should not be an enemy either. Listen to her, do not try to be cool, be honest about your own feelings too. It is a boyfriend, not heroin, as someone else pointed out.

I understand 'going out with' as this is your special boy at school and even though you are not going anywhere with him, he is your boyfriend and all the other girls are dead jealous.

However, I am probably living in lala land and as one survey stated, most teens have had sex by the age of 13.

When my stepdaughters were twelve (and fourteen in fact) they would not have been allowed to 'date' anyone. End of story.

When my stepdaughters were twelve (and fourteen in fact) they would not have been allowed to 'date' anyone. End of story.

I started 'going out' with my first boyfriend when I was 12 and he was 15. We dated for 3 years, and it was a very good, positive relationship.

He was extremely respectful and never tried on anything I was not ready for - in every respect I was very much the one who decided what happened when in that relationship.

My mother and both my grandmothers were pregnant and married at 17 (two of them in that order).

12 is far too young. My two daughters are 13 and 15 and really, really not interested in boys. I'm really glad they don't move in the kind of friendship circles that encourage 'dating' aged 12 etc.

And no, 12 year olds don't feel 'love' - they may think they do but it really, really isn't love.

I think it would be wise t have a chat with her and suggest that friendship, not dating, is better at this age.

well i think you're all being horribly naive. she has chosen a 14 year old boyfriend and although probably not 100% certain of what she might be getting into and obviously not emotionally mature enough she is obviously up for more than a chaste year 7 'relationship'

i was a nightmare predatory 12/13 yr old and completely promiscuous! talk to her asap about contraception.

I have a 16 yr old and she hasn't had a proper boyfriend either and isn't that interested.

I on the other hand was very much into boys around aged 12. I would be a bit concerned as I'm sure you are and that's why you have posted but I wouldn't forbid her. Talk to her, yes and try and make sure that this lad doesn't take up too much of her time and she still see her friends and does that same things that 12 yr old girls do. Just keep a close eye on the situation.

I had a "boyfriend" briefly at 12, we only ever spent time with each other either in school or at each others' houses (with parents in attendance!) where we had the odd rather chaste kiss and played a lot of subbuteo. Did used to find it odd that his mum popped in to his bedroom every ten minutes to offer me a cup of tea, but just thought it was because she was Scottish

My mum and dad took the whole thing very seriously (to my face, I am sure they were pissing themselves behind my back) and included him on family days out etc. It was lovely, I got bored after a few months and that was that until I was 15/16 when the real fun began.

I think you should do the same - demonstrate great interest in him, invite him for dinner, to the museum, to the cinema etc - all with you there too. Then you will be able to gauge fairly quickly what the situation is. If (worst case scenario but possible) he is after a younger, easily manipulable girl to have sex with, he will move on fast. If (far more likely) he is a decent nice boy, he will come along, go bright red a lot, possibly hold hands behind your back, no harm done.

You do also need to talk to her about contraception etc. Don't rely on school sex ed - my friends twelve year old son asked her last week if it was legal for him to buy condoms before he was 16 - clearly with all the banana-related excitement in the class some key messages about consent and contraception had got transposed!