my twelve year old daughter dating a boy of fourteen?

[veryberry21]

My twelve year old daughter recently started going out with a boy in year ten (shes only in year seven)hes fouteen and next august due to turn fifteen.
I have four children and i wasn't aware of the fact my daughter was in a relationship with someone until my fourteen year old son told me in passing he didn't like his little sister dating a guy the same as as him.
I'm slightly worried abput her, he seems nice although i've only met him once and i'm pretty sure he won't hurt her, but seeing him in comparison to her she loks tiny.
My daughter jess has three older brothers and well i know shes safe with them protecting her but would it be unreasonable to tell her she couldn't see him anymore.

Why should she be flamed?

I think (correct me if i am wrong, veryberry) OP is saying her DD has a strong character, knows her own mind and will not be pushed into doing anything she doesn't want to do.

All vey good traits which will protect her from early sexual activity that she is not comfortable with.

Sounds like me at her age.

Good for her!

i hardly said anything wrong, i was simply stating what is true.

There is a fine line between assertiveness and rudeness - I hope that you don't support your daughter against her teachers if she descends into the latter.

I'd also be a bit worried about a 12 year old girl perhaps dressing 'older' in order to try and close the gap between her and a 14 year old. See ime, 12 year olds are still little girls - this goes for my own daughters at that age and also the many year 7/8 pupils I have taught over the last nearly twenty years.

she doesn't dress older she just genrally looks older.

I know that, i compleatly agree. I think i'll alow her to carry on seeing him though but explain to her how i feel about him being so much older. I don't think she could be pressured into anything but i don't want to take a chance. Although i'm not happy about it i know what Jess is like and i know she'll go crazy at me so maybe I'll just sit down and explain to her that i want to meet this boy and get to know him a little better before i alow anything bog to happen.
What do you think? Appropriate?

you're plan is to allow your 12 yr old to have a relationship with a 14 yr old becuase you're worried she'll go mad at you and do what she likes anyway..?

don't be afraid to parent. your daughter may defy rules you impose but not having any will make her feel uncared for and ultimately leaves her vulnerable

i will say outright i disagree with parents wanting to be their dc's mate. we have responsibility to protect them however uncool and stressful that may be at times.

op decide what you want to happen in this situation and tell your dd

ffs this is ridiculous, all they proabably do is hold hands and maybe kiss, they call each other boyfriend and girlfriends but they are hardly in a 'relationship' or 'dating'... if my boys go out with a girl who is a year or 2 younger than them i will be mighty pissed off at people assuming they are only after one thing....

I don't think the OP is trying to be a mate rather than a mother here. There are different ways of parenting - and of course children have different characters, which warrant different parenting approaches.

I absolutely agree with PinkElephantsOnParade that having a strong character can be very good for girls (and boys) at this age. I had one myself - Ghoul the downside was that I could be confrontational with teachers (not the good ones though). But the upside was that (when I was slightly older than the OP's dd - but only slightly) I knew when to say "no" and when to walk away from situations. The more pliable ones were the ones that got into trouble, ime.

Isn't this a non-issue in a way? Because surely any decent parent would be ensuring that their 12yr old daughter wasn't ever alone with a boy three years older who she professed to be her boyfriend? You would surely be ensuring that they were always in a group situation or had you present as well. Anything else feels, imo only, slightly shoddy parenting?

exactly sparkle.

She won't get the chance to get up to any funny business even if she wants to!

The best way to protect your DDs, though, is toe make sure they have the self esteem to resist pressure from friends/ boyfriends to do things they are not comfortable with.

I believe the vast majority of 12yos who get involved in sexual activity do it to stay in with their friends.

yy - the best way to protect our children (boys and girls) is to give them enough self-esteem that they are able to not follow the herd or give into pressure from boy/girlfriends.

How we do this depends on the individual child though. So the OP, with a headstrong dd who is likely to revolt if her mum digs her heels in and forbids her from doing something needs to handle the situation differently than if her dd was more ammenable, iyswim.

See, I think making it about 'nasty boys who want sex with younger girls' blah blah blah (which I think most people on here haven't actually seen this issue as) isn't the main thing. The main thing is that there are far more appropriate things for 12 year olds to be doing than 'dating' 14 year old boys. I wouldn't want a 12 year old of mine (boy or girl) to be even thinking about holding hands or kissing!

Just read what i wrote before and i relised how nieve i sounded but i just don't think its right to do that. Ds1 (16) is dating a girl of 15 and don't really feel in a position to argue considering she is two years below him. Am i being silly...

Yes a bit- every year makes a difference at this age and so dd does not get to be treated the same as her older sibling.

Do you think they will be in group situations?
Do you always know where she is?
Does she absolutely understand why sex is a shit idea at her age?
Does she always come home when she is supposed to?

What is your feeling re how far she will want this to be 'real' or will it just be a harmless friendship (my 5 yrold dd currently has a boyfriend -I'm not worried!)?

It's embarassing, but that shouldn't stop you having the conversations. Agree with the boundaries thing-even adults need rules.

This has been going for a few days now and the hwole thread seems still to be revolving around girlfriend 12 and boyfried 15 and what they might be up to together, possible from an intimate point of view.

Is there a chance your daughter is involved with this boy because she doesn't have anything more interesting to do? DD is 11-1/2 and very mature. Monday is guides, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are school nights and she rings me at work when she gets home and would not dream of going back out on her own. Friday is singing and youth club. Saturday is drama. All other activities are still arranged in liaison with me and with my approval. And no, DD is not overprotected - she has far more independence than many of her peers.

Your 12 year old daughter dating ANYBODY makes you a bad mother.

Bollocks does it, Sparkle.

Ghoul I utterly agree with you. A 12 yo girl should have other interests than snogging boys - and onceamai is talking sense in this regard. Actually it's a bit of a reminder for me - I'm hoping ds is going to be too busy to get into any kind of trouble, so I need to start enrolling him in lots of stuff

If however the OP's adamant about this lad, and any "dates" can be very closely monitored and rationed, then maybe it would be better to give in just a little bit, rather than end up with dd in full rebellion.

I think the questions defineme asks are spot on.

If your daughter has 3 older brothers she is likely to feel pretty comfortable with boys. What's she like with her brothers? Does she stand up for herself, or does she cave in to them and crave their attention? Do they treat her well? Has she seen examples of males respecting females? However she relates to her brothers is going to be a pretty good sign for you how she will relate to her first boyfriend.

I'd say it's very important to talk to youngsters today about sex because they are bombarded with sexual images in music videos, soaps etc. from such a young age and majority have seen hardcore porn through someone bringing it into school on a phone or looking at the net at the home of someone whose parents don't supervise it properly. The need to know that sex sells but that doesn't mean that you have to do it, especially for young girls who risk pregnancy or catching an STD like chlamydia which they might know nothing about for years and give them serious fertility problems later in life.

Sparklle2010, just stop right there. I am not a bad mother, i simply have a differnt way of parenting, just because i don't treat my children like you do, it may not mean i am a bad mum. I have four kids and know how to treat them, so please i don't want to get in to an argument. My dd is independant and i don't feel ANYONE is in a position to say i am a bad mother.
And year Eurostar, i guess she does stand up for herself; around her brothers and can act quite comftable around boys. One of her brthers has a girlfriend, he is sixteen and treats his girl;friend really well actually.
DEFINEME

Do you think they will be in group situations? Yes i guess so most of the time, friends etc.
Do you always know where she is?Yeah, i phone her regular.
Does she absolutely understand why sex is a shit idea at her age?
yes, older brothers are the cause of that.
Does she always come home when she is supposed to? Not always... but mostly. If she doesn't come back on time i phone her. if she doesn't come back then, i ring her friends etc. After that i or her brothers go out looking for her. But usually shes back by the time i tell her too.
I don't really have a curfew (? couln't think of a better word ) at the moment but i think i should if she's going out with this boy at weekends etc.

Veryberry-your dd doesnt come home so you phone her then resort to sending her brothers out roaming the streets looking for her? Yes you do sound like a very good parent

Have only skimmed this thread but it sounds like you have your mind made up. TBH I'm not sure what I would do, but I would certainly start with meeting the boy, meeting his parents, and being in their way as much as possible. Allow it if you're going to and you think she can be trusted, but with a lot of limitations.

She's 12. She's a child.

That rarely happens, and before that i ring her friends houses, usually she is there. Sending my ds around to my dd friends house to get her to come home is hardly the same as sending him roaming around the streets.

agreed CheerfulYank.