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AIBU?

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Original poster

my twelve year old daughter dating a boy of fourteen?

151 replies

veryberry21 · 12/12/2010 19:48

My twelve year old daughter recently started going out with a boy in year ten (shes only in year seven)hes fouteen and next august due to turn fifteen.
I have four children and i wasn't aware of the fact my daughter was in a relationship with someone until my fourteen year old son told me in passing he didn't like his little sister dating a guy the same as as him.
I'm slightly worried abput her, he seems nice although i've only met him once and i'm pretty sure he won't hurt her, but seeing him in comparison to her she loks tiny.
My daughter jess has three older brothers and well i know shes safe with them protecting her but would it be unreasonable to tell her she couldn't see him anymore. Hmm

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 12/12/2010 22:42

SOME 12 year girls ARE interested in boys.
SOME 12 year olds CAN feel love.
It happened when I was a teenager and it happens now.
I have two sisters who met their dh's when they were 12/13 and they are still with them, still in love, 40 ish years later.
just because something is not your experience, does not mean it isn't real....
these matters have to be judged on individual circumstances, because anything else is just meaningless.

harpsichordcarrier · 12/12/2010 22:43

'most teens have had sex by the age of 13'
SNORT
total bullshit. Where did you read that??

harpsichordcarrier · 12/12/2010 22:47

from an Observer survey in 2002:

At what age did you lose your virginity?

Under 12 1%
12-13 8%
14-15 23%
16-18 40%
19-20 13%
21-24 10%
25-30 2%
Never had sex 3%

so you are MORE likely to lose your virginity after 21 than before 14
here

BelligerentGhoul · 12/12/2010 22:48

Harpsi - my feeling would be that the initial liking turned to love, as they matured, rather than that the 'love' was there aged 12. However, you are right - it is not in my experience, so I wouldn't know for a fact.

And as for 'most' teenage girls having had sex by age 13 - that is certainly not my experience and I find it very difficult to believe this.

Still quite glad that my daughters aren't interested - let them get their GCSEs out of the way first! Wink

classydiva · 12/12/2010 22:49

Personally feel that children should not have boyfriends/girlfriends until they reach 16. Close friends is dandy, but boyfriend/girlfried> I wouldnt enourage it.

I would suggest supervised meetings i.e at your home.

Saying that girls are 3 years more mature than boys at that age.

scottishmummy · 12/12/2010 22:50

doh!teen =13-19.so if had it off by 13 they all had nat king cole at 13yo

behave

a fumble at school disco at 13 s as risqaue as most get

harpsichordcarrier · 12/12/2010 22:51

Nope, that's not the way it was.
One of my sisters remembers seeing her future dh across a science lab and their eyes meeting .... and that was that. love.
the other sister reports something similar, s trong feeling that this was the 'one'.
I know that at age 12/13 I was experiencing extremely strong feelings. I know my dd experienced a very strong attraction to one of her male helpers at aged six.
we experience very strong attachments from a very early age, so I don't really understand why it is so hard to comprehend that other people might feel them for members of the opposite sex.
how that love is appropriately expressed will of course vary according to age.

MistletoeMush · 12/12/2010 22:54

I think I'd be more concerned about why a 14 year old boy would want to go out with a 12 year old girl. When I was at school it was considered quite unusual to go out with someone in a different school year particularly younger and the boy in this situation would be leaving himself open to being made fun off or even criticised. In the world of secondary school year 7 and year 10 are miles apart.

RumourOfAHurricane · 12/12/2010 22:56

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MissAnneElk · 12/12/2010 22:57

MrsCrafty, I just don't believe a statistic that most 13 year olds have had sex. Maybe if you lined them up all up in a playground and asked that question publicly as soon as one hand was raised, the rest would follow...

christmaseve · 12/12/2010 22:59

I had the same boyfriend from 13 to 16. No mistaking this was my first love. I was heartbroken when it ended. Took me a long time to get over him. We split a couple of times but needed to be together even at this young age.

MrsStuartBaggs · 12/12/2010 23:03

MN is not at all representative on this sex at 13 issue. Most people in RL do NOT think it's at all OK; but there's tons of people on MN who reckon you can't stop 13 year olds doing whatever they want/may be pressured into.

penguin73 · 12/12/2010 23:04

Chipping In- not implying that you were so please don't be so sensitive. Just trying to justify my opinion in relation to the fact that teachers meet hundreds of different Y7s and Y10s so might have a slightly different opinion based on this- it's only when I started teaching that I realised just how naive I was. Having sadly been in the situation of dealing with Y7s with STDs/pregnancy issues, often involving girls who hadn't told their parents they had a boyfriend (as is the case here) or who thought that 'it was nothing serious' I don't see how the OP can judge whether the relationship is ok if she doesn't know him!

ragged · 12/12/2010 23:08

Why must we assume that the 12yo and the 14yo must be having sex? Confused.
(I think that should be my new talk name, permanentlyConfused.)
Is it not possible the 14yo is shy and immature? Xmas Confused

penguin73 · 12/12/2010 23:09

Exactly Ragged, unfair to assume or judge without meeting him.

countless · 12/12/2010 23:12

think it's best to assume they are or will soon be and be relieved if they're not!

i would stamp this out in no uncertain terms, i have 2 dd's both tiny, just discussed with dh. there's absolutely no way we would give our permission approval for any relationships under at least 14 years

onceamai · 12/12/2010 23:18

I have an 11-1/2 year old daughter and a 15 year old ds. I'm not quite sure what the OP means by dating but under no circumstances can I possibly imagine that my mature 11-1/2 year old would be comfortable in girlfried/boyfriend type company with any of ds's friends or that ds or any of his friends would especially want to spend their time with dd or her y7 friends.

This sounds very peculiar to me and I would want to know much more about it and to looking at ways to gently stop it.

ragged · 12/12/2010 23:18

I guess what I'm thinking MSBaggs is not that I would be blase about DD having sex at 12-13, but that the best strategy to prevent that from happening is to take the attitude that I can't totally control her, or at least, that if I insist on totally controlling her it has to be over the most urgent and immediate of issues (Pick your battles). A blanket ban on a boyfriend would be unworkable.

  1. If she really wanted to have sex she'd find a way.
  2. If I keep good lines of communication open with her, I am more likely to have influence on her.
  3. So if we talk things thru and she knows that I respect her and want to treat her as responsible and sensible, she's more likely to behave responsibly and prove me right. She's also more likely to turn to me in times of feeling uncertain -- rather than doing something self-destructive and impulsive instead.

Maybe pie in the sky doomed to crash and burn thinking, but going back to the very likely fact of NO. 1) above, makes sense to me to at least try this gently gently softly softly approach, teaching and persuading rather than pretending I can totally control.

I am just reading a book about Egyptian woman successfully getting boyfriends behind their very controlling male relatives' backs, quite relevant stuff.

stickylittlefingers · 12/12/2010 23:22

I would try and get as much info as possible first up. Only you know your daughter, and whether she's shy/impressionable/confident/streetwise.

I wouldn't leap to any conclusions.

I grew up in a very rural area, and yes we did have "boyfriends/girlfriends" at this age. Whether this was basically just good friends being different sexes and kissing occasionally, or something more full on, depended totally on the people involved.

stickylittlefingers · 12/12/2010 23:26

I wouldn't reel in shock at the age difference either, necessarily, given he's so young in his year. Would again depend on the people involved.

nothing like asking to meet him to nip things in the bud. God I used to hate it when my parents did that. My Dad even used to pick out boys he thought I might like. Cringe! I did concentrate on my GCSEs...

countless · 12/12/2010 23:27

i think it's better to be 100% clear that this is not allowed and if your dd is driven to defy you and have sex in secret that's another issue but there's no sense in softly softly to keep lines of communication open..you either approve or disapprove

GothAnneGeddes · 12/12/2010 23:48

MrsSB There is a definitely a MN thing of being the coolest parent in town and that forbidding anything is pointless.

I'm awaiting a thread where someone discusses putting their dc's syringes/crack pipe in the dishwasher for them so it's always nice and clean. After all, if you tell them not to, they'll just do it anyway.

LaWeaselMys · 12/12/2010 23:59

I dated at 12. We held hands, and went to the cinema and kissed. I managed quite easily to not have sex until I was 19, I think there is some major over reacting going on on this thread!

Given that he is older and his expectations might be different, it is worth having a sensible chat with her though.

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/12/2010 00:14

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defineme · 13/12/2010 00:27

You have 12 yr olds like my goddaughter who has asked for more sylvania family animals for xmas and thinks boys are yuk.
Or you can be like my best mate at school- I found out all about oral sex from her when she was 12 (15 yrold boyfriend) and then she had sex at 13. I don't know what to say (best friend has very successful career plus lovely dh and kids btw) but you know your dd best.

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