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AIBU?

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Original poster

my twelve year old daughter dating a boy of fourteen?

151 replies

veryberry21 · 12/12/2010 19:48

My twelve year old daughter recently started going out with a boy in year ten (shes only in year seven)hes fouteen and next august due to turn fifteen.
I have four children and i wasn't aware of the fact my daughter was in a relationship with someone until my fourteen year old son told me in passing he didn't like his little sister dating a guy the same as as him.
I'm slightly worried abput her, he seems nice although i've only met him once and i'm pretty sure he won't hurt her, but seeing him in comparison to her she loks tiny.
My daughter jess has three older brothers and well i know shes safe with them protecting her but would it be unreasonable to tell her she couldn't see him anymore. Hmm

OP posts:
musicmadness · 13/12/2010 01:52

It really depends on what she classes as her "boyfriend". If they are just hanging out and holding hands/occasionally kissing then I would not see the problem, if there is anything more to it than that then you need to put a stop to it.

Considering you didn't even know about this until your son mentioned it I'm guessing they don't really see each other out of school so I'd say it is very likely to be innocent and you would do more harm than good by trying to stop her because she would then feel unable to come to you if a more serious situation occurred (speaking from personal experience).

MrsStuartBaggs · 13/12/2010 10:19

GothAnneGeddes, I think there's also an MN tendency which claims that teenagers are plain evil, deserve what they get, and you can't, as a poor victimy parent, do any damn thing to protect them.

But you can get lots of sympathy for your endless suffering on MN.

NotFromConcentrate · 13/12/2010 10:26

YANBU to at least be concerned and want to find out more about this boy and their relationship. I think it would BU to jump straight in and forbid it, but then I don't have a daughter of that age so that's probably very easy for me to say...

When I was 13 I was dating a 17 year old guy (no sex though - we met at church). When I was 15 my next boyfriend was 22 (not from church Wink), and at 20 I met a 40 year old man who is now my 50 year old DH and father to my two children. So even if she continues to see him, it doesn't necessarily mean it's all bad :)

I dread my DCs being this age, and I don't envy this situation one bit. Good luck :)

iamnotreallysure · 13/12/2010 15:32

I remember being a 14 yr old boy and the peer pressure to take things as far as you could Sad Blush

I think the suggestion of having him round for tea, cinema trip etc has its merits, the more you emphasise the 'friend' side of boyfriend the better you can assess if there is anything to be concerned about.

However my dd (younger than OP's) is well aware that when she decides to have a boyfriend I do want to meet him to show him my shotgun collection....

OTheHugeManatee · 13/12/2010 15:50

It depends on the 12 and the 14, surely. People develop at different rates, and there are some very sweet and innocent 14-year-old boys out there.

Before you make a categorical decision maybe you have him round to see her at your house, so you can interrogate meet him and see what he's like?

Flisspaps · 13/12/2010 16:03

See, when I was at school 'going out' with someone meant that effectively you hung around in the playground with them at break/lunch, and maybe had tea at their house one night in the week or went to the shops or cinema on a Saturday afternoon, even if there was a 2-3 year age gap.

All completely innocent.

dexter73 · 13/12/2010 16:13

This happened to one of dd's friends last year. She was 12 and started going out with a 14 yr old boy. She dumped him a couple of weeks later as he wanted her to toss him off Hmm.

TrillianAstra · 13/12/2010 16:23

"as one survey stated, most teens have had sex by the age of 13"

A survey of what? Underage mothers, bragging teenagers, what crazy sample set would you have to find to get that result?

englandsmistress · 13/12/2010 16:24

Is the boy a bit odd? Only I can't imagine that any normal 14 year old boy would be seen dead with a 12 year old...

5GoldenFimbos · 13/12/2010 16:29

There is a girl round the corner who is 11 and going out with a 13 year old. They stand snogging and I do mean full on snogging in the street every single night.

Acanthus · 13/12/2010 16:38

Has the OP disappeared or am I unobservant tonight?

Anyway, to add to what may well be a hypothetical discussion, doesn't much depend n the physical maturity of the two children concerned? Boys oftem mature later so they may well be pretty equal in that regard.

Definitely get to know him, invite him round, talk to your daughter but there's not necessarily anything bad going on.

Hulababy · 13/12/2010 16:39

I do think that 12y is too young to be going out with an older boy.
I also wonder why a 14y boy wants to go out with a 12y girl. That part is less common ime.
I now that 12y girls will fancy boys and want boyfriends quite ofen.

I don't think there is anything wrong as such with the 12y saying she has a boyfriend (although would prefer same age, not 3y age gap). But as a parent I would be ensuring I knew where she was, who she was with and restricting certain activities to ensure that she and boyfriend were meeting up in public places with other friends, not spending time on their own without others or without supervision. Not necessarily becuas eof the sex thing, more than I don't think it is that healthy for young teens to be spendng time with just one other person all the time.

Hulababy · 13/12/2010 16:43

And just because a survey says that most children have had sex before they are teens, I don't think we can take that as the truth. It is a survey - they no doubt asked teenagers. Survey results can be wrong - the participants can lie.

I have worked in secondary schools for 10 years in the past - not a chance even half were having sex by the age of 13y, not even 16y. They might have talked abut it. But in reality it is the minority of young teesn who are sexually active - that is why in school when other children do find out about a girl of boy who are known to have had sex it is huge news, goes round school like wildfire, etc. because reality is the vast majoirty of them aren't having sex yet and most (ime/imo) arent til sixth form and even later.

MrsStuartBaggs · 13/12/2010 17:14

"Reality is the vast majoirty of them aren't having sex yet and most (ime/imo) arent til sixth form and even later." That's my experience too, Hulababy. So most schoolchildren are, actually, law-abiding, and looking after their own interests pretty well.

verytellytubby · 13/12/2010 17:26

I had a boyfriend at 12 and he was 14. He lived on our road. It was all very innocent. We used to hold hands. I only ever kissed him on the lips. We even went to the cinema and his dad sat in the row behind us. He used to come to tea at our house.

It fizzled out as I was very young and he wanted more in the end.

Years later I married his cousin Grin

ragged · 13/12/2010 18:25

14yo boy with 12yo girl makes sense to me. My 13yo (female) friend had a 19yo boyfriend, so 14yo sounds pretty good to me.
Boys do mature so much later.
I'd be blunt with her about how most 14yo boys are pretty obsessed with sex. Even if they are very nice and considerate and don't in their logical moments want to rush anything, they are totally flush with hormones making them a bit crazy. So if he doesn't treat you like a princess and utterly respect your relative youth give him the boot.
Fairly good advice for all early relationships, I imagine.

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 13/12/2010 19:05

As the mother of a son I'd be advising him that 12 was too young and that he should stick to slightly older girls.

Or rather I'd be getting DP to advise him, in a man-to-man kinda way.

Having said that, I was "dating" at 12 and it was all very innocent, really.

Original poster
veryberry21 · 13/12/2010 19:24

I asure you my DD is not innocent. She intends to get herself into trouble when she wants too. She is slightly older than she looks so i'm supposing outside of school people don't really see the age gap that much and she looks only a year or maybe two younger than him.

OP posts:
GothAnneGeddes · 13/12/2010 19:29

'I assure you my dd is not innocent'.

That is very depressing indeed.

PinkElephantsOnParade · 13/12/2010 19:31

I had my first boyfriend at 12. I didn't sleep with anyone until I was 18.

I fended off many clumsy adolescent advances between those ages because my mum had taught me to value myself so I looked at these pimply losers and said to myself "you ain't worth it pal".

I waited until I found one who was worth it.

OP, talk to your DD about this and bolster her self confidence and sense of self worth.

Talk to her frankly about sex and the pressures she may encounter.

Don't ban the 14yo but arm her with knowledge and self respect.

pink4ever · 13/12/2010 19:49

I completely agree withGothanngeddes where the feck have all the parents gone? Alot of stuff said on this thread is wishy washy liberal nonsense.
I started dating boys when I was 13 and believe me there was more going on than holding bloody hands(and I was not the "bad" girl among my friends)My mum tried the softly softly approach with me ie tell me if have a boyfriend,considering sex and we will put you on the pill. Didnt work! Went on the pill myself,told noone and had a series of relationships with much older boys. Wish my mum had just had the bollocks to say NO and be a parent.
Hell will freeze over before my dd dates at age 12!

BelligerentGhoul · 13/12/2010 19:54

'She intends to get herself in trouble when she wants to' - what does that actually mean? It makes me feel very depressed tbh, unless I've completely misread it.

PinkElephantsOnParade · 13/12/2010 20:00

Belligerent - yes, a very strange comment.

Original poster
veryberry21 · 13/12/2010 20:05

What i mean is. My daughter puts up a fight with her teachers, peers etc, if she doesn't think what someone is doing or saying is right; not caring if it gets her into trouble or not. Ofcourse she doesn't perpousely aim to get into trouble; she just isn't afraid to fight for what she believes in. And tbh i nthink she's right.

OP posts:
darleneconnor · 13/12/2010 20:05

veryberry21- you're (rightly) going to get flamed for that post

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