my twelve year old daughter dating a boy of fourteen?

[veryberry21]

My twelve year old daughter recently started going out with a boy in year ten (shes only in year seven)hes fouteen and next august due to turn fifteen.
I have four children and i wasn't aware of the fact my daughter was in a relationship with someone until my fourteen year old son told me in passing he didn't like his little sister dating a guy the same as as him.
I'm slightly worried abput her, he seems nice although i've only met him once and i'm pretty sure he won't hurt her, but seeing him in comparison to her she loks tiny.
My daughter jess has three older brothers and well i know shes safe with them protecting her but would it be unreasonable to tell her she couldn't see him anymore.

She is 12 years old; you allow her out and she doesn't always come home on time; she doesn't come back after you've phoned her; she doesn't have a curfew?

I'm sorry but I think you are setting yourself up for trouble. She needs boundaries - and if she breaks them, she needs consequences.

YANBU to be very concerned, I would be.Pragmatically though I don't know what you can do about it.

Hmmm so this is a 2 year age gap - that's not that bad is it? Why don't you meet him and find out what he's like? I snogged a 17 year old when I was 13 and it didn't do me any harm!

12yo too young to date.children need boundaries,affirmation,times to come home,and clear behavioural/social expectations.not the laissez faire parenting you describe

am perplexed by some of your responses.you dont post as very boundaried or clear you sometimes need to restrict her choices.given the dont have full ability to weigh up consequences

and a specific get home time is not curfew is common sense

your role as parent is to negotiate challenges set and maintain good boundaries,not fret if they go crazy you dont let them get own way.shes 12 she isnt meant to get own way regards boyfriend

12 too young.

You bossing her saves her from getting in deeper than she may really want.

You'll have to be a parent here.

Ok then...
Boundaries. I know its my choice really but i get some really good ideas from you ladies...
I need...
A curfew? weekends and school nights,
A limit to how far she can go? ... this hasn't come up in the thread yet but i think it's quite important,
And any consequences or punishments.? And please don't say lecture (I've pretty much learned after being a parent for 16 years that they don;t particularly work).
so...
thankyou. much appreciated.

non negotiable times home esp on school night.
actions and consequences,she break a rule forfeit something tangible eg pc time,pocket money
be fair and also praise whet she does right.reward good behaviour too
activities focussed around home eg invite her pals over for pizza,and dvd

set fair boundaries and maintain them.dont be avoidant or fear a hissy fit

Well, I must admit that my 15 and 12 year olds don't ever go out just hanging around. They are either at a specific friend's house, with a clear time to be brought home or fetched or at a specific event, again with a clear finishing time and will be brought home by another adult or fetched by us OR they are at home. They are never, ever out without me knowing where, with whom etc.

Unless it is a school event like a concert, or they are out with dp and I, they would always be at home and in bed by ten on a school night.

Again, they wouldn't ever be out just hanging around at weekends. They would only be out in the circumstances mentioned above.

They are allowed to go to events etc or to accept invitations to specific friend's houses but there is no way in the world I would be expecting them to be making their own way home, in the dark. There is also no way in the world I'd be okay with them sitting around in a park, mooching around between different friends' houses etc.

Consequences for poor behaviour (we very, very rarely get any tbh) would be removal of phone and/or MP3 player or banning of computer time; or extra ironing duties!

Be glad you are posting here and not on 'the other site'. They would be (quite rightly) reporting you to SS for neglecting and endangering your DD.

Belligerent Yhoule. Tend to agree although DS at 15 plays second row and tbh we do now let him come home on his own in the dark before 9ish. He has a fantastic group of friends whom we have known for many years and we live in a very safe area. He does, however, have to report in and if he does not do so by 7.45pm on a Friday night (which btw coincides with a pick up I do for my 11 year old in the area where most of his friends live) he is aware that I will start phoning around with the sole intent to embarass him. He therefore keeps in touch. Mon-Thurs are school nights and unless there is a school event or training (in his diary) he is expected to be home by 5ish and knows that otherwise there would be consequences.

I am also a full time working mum and DH works abroad Mon-Fri but firm and stable boundaries have been set.

dont know what other site is?but id report any misgivings i saw here on mn.as has happened on mn before.someone did alert ss about potential welfare issues

I can't really make her come in before it gets dark because the school club she goes to ends at approx 4:35ish and by then it's dark and she gets the bus with her friends then walks home on her own from the bus stop. I get worried about her but theres nothing i can particularly do.
She doesn't go out that much on school nights as it's cold (and mostly rainy...) so she tends to stay in, in the winter.
darleneconnor Can hardly see how I am neglecting my DD. Please explain?
onceamai I love the clever idea of phoning around your ds friends houses to embarass him when he isn't at home on tme, i'm going to have to try that one with my ds.

What's the other site??

Re 12 yr old and 14yr old: When I was 12, I was 'dating' a 12yr old boy, he tried to snog me etc. I refused! Was called, 'frigid', charming guy! But fast forward 20 yrs, teens have changed, society has changed.

you always have some reason why you cant be more boundaried. you need to conceptualise the relationship.there is a clear power imbalance

she is child,you are adult.you can and should be asserting and imposing reasonable control.and time keeping , where off to is one such area

Veryberry, DS now towers above me. Effective discipline now revolves around the threat of a kiss and a hug and and an inappropriate comment in public - it works wonders!

Your dd, I think though, does need to be set some boundaries or at the least have some home truths explained. My mum always said it was the nice girls who got into "trouble" and I was gracefully hidden under an Empire Line wedding dress 50 years or so ago! My mum learnt the hard way and dinned hard, raw facts into me to stop it happening again. I also remember being the only girl at school whose parents were divorced.

I wasn;t making an excuse. I was saying that my DDs school activity ends when it is dark. She gets the bus home. End of story, i wasn;t saying i'm not going to set boundaries. I want to i'm just not sure which ones to set to still alow her to have her freedom but still be safe.
I don't understand how having a boyfriend can harm her.

are you really not sure how 12yo with boyfriend is harmful?

really well lets see

ok lets see ata formative and impressionable age being exposed to potential intimacy,peer pressure

worrying and fretting what boyfriend thinks of her

starting to get affirmation or make choices from having boyfriensd so young, after all mum cant see the harm

emotional roller coaster does he or doesnt he like me

"have her freedom"?yes freedom to be 12yo.age appropriate freedom.not the freedom she tells you she wants.shes too young to make a big informed choice.you are the adult parent you guide the choices

you set limits of freedom upon a 12yo,she doesnt dictate the terms

Ladies - as I'm sure you all know I can be sharp tongued and judgy. In this instance I think the OP needs a bit of support and sensible advice rather than criticism. She has come on here for help and that is a brave step. She has also reflected on this thread. Can we all be a bit constructive please for the sake of a 12 year old lass and a mum who sound as though they need some support. I sometimes can barely cope with two let alone four.

hows about you post what you want,and allow others to do same

I too was twelve once and althoughshe is still very young i think it's natural to have theese feelings. No matter who she was dating -or not- she would still be think "Oh god does he like me?!" or "I hope i look ok." or "Does he think I like him?!". Stopping her from having theese feeling would be insensitive and cruel. I don't want her to get hurt, but as alot of people on this thread say, it would only be quite casual. Not allowing her to have her freedom and keeping her cooped up indoors all day, not allowing her to go out with her friends on a Saturda shopping or to get somthing to eat would be like not allowing her to see the world. I want her to have her own opinions and feeling and not ust have my ideas about the world.

And scottishmummy i really don't want to get in a big argument because i compleatly agree with you have your own parenting ideas but what do you think 12yo's should be thinking about? Or doing?

recognition she is only 12 and still needs mum more than she needs a boyfriend

12 is a transition,child to puberty

but empahasis on school and academic work

learn and apply respect self and others

ability to be part of a system like school for greater long term good.eg suspend immediate compulsion to lark about and get head down for long term gain

learn social skills.fall in and out with pals.testing friendships

dont get into peer pressure and boys to young.or judge own or others by ability to get or keep a boyfriend

dealing with disappointment and pain maturely

know you dont know it all at 12yo ,and boundaries are there for reason.not to inhibit to allow steady age appropriate growth

I think people are over-reacting. Suggesting you are neglecting your DD is beyond ridiculous!

I was probably fairly similar to your DD at age 12/13. Very headstrong and opinionated, quite capable of debate (probably more so when I was younger than I am now and not afraid to express my opinions to adults I disagreed with.

When I was 12 I had a 16 year old boyfriend. He had l;eft school and had a 'motorbike'. I thought I was very cool. My Mum found out and immediately banned me from seeing him. I continued to see him in secret. However, 'seeing him' comprised of him metting me from the school bus everyday, where we'd have a 15 minute or so chat and lots of other people around and the odd 'slow dance' and fairly innocent kiss at the school disco. Sex was never mentioned at all and now I look back, he clearly wasn't very mature and I don't think it even crossed his mind. It certainly didn't cross mine. I was in no way innocent either, in that I was fairly worldy wise compared to my friends, but I can remember vividly being given a 'pill' by the GP for period problems and my Mum saying something about not to think it gave me a licence to do what I wanted. It took a while for the penny to drop, I had thought the GP used the word 'pill' to mean a tablet, not the pill.

My sister, who was pretty much the exact opposite of me really personality wise, very meek and mild and a people pleaser, lost her virginity aged 12 to a boy from school the same age as her. Subsequently, when she was almost 14 she started seeing a boy of 17, with my Mum's consent and interest, they spent most of their time at my Mum's house or his parents and they didn;t have sex until well past my sisters 16th birthday. They split up when my sister was 18 and she's since only had one more boyfriend, her now husband of 11 years.

I certainly wouldn't worry too much about your DD, but I do agree the best course of action is probably to invite him round to the house often and be involved in an interested/supportive way rather than forbidding her to see him. A lot of girls of this age are starting to feel they are getting grown up and by treating her as though you understand this, she is more likely to talk to you about things.

My mum and dad started dating when they were 12 and are still together now.

I started my periods when I was 10, and had the same bra size when I started high school as when I finished. At 12, I was not a child.

And I lost my virginity at 14, and yet somehow managed to be happily married at 24 before I got pregnant. Mainly because I knew what I was doing, I wasnt an idiot just because I was a teenager.

I stand by every decision I have made in my life and hope my children are strong enough to know their own minds like I did.

On a side thought, maybe by letting "children" start to "date" young, they will be confident enough in thier ability to speak to and deal with the opposite sex by the time sex is on the cards, and maybe then be less likely to do anything they arent ready for??