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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

this thing of dumping babies and toddlers on grandparents for a weekend or a week so the parents can have some 'me' time - is it a new thing?

291 replies

myleftcrutch · 12/12/2010 19:12

I don't remember this happening when I was young (back in the 70s). I do remember staying over with relatives or friends when I was much, much older.

But I don't remember this whole culture of leaving your baby or very yonung child with a grandparent for a weekend so you could go on a raunchy weekend away, or just leaving them overnight so you could have a night out and a lie in in the morning?

Pretty much everyone I know seems to do this - and I know this will get me flamed but it seems to be the PARENTS (note I say parents, not mothers) who work full time and see the least of their children as it is who are desperate to get away from them come the weekend.

What's that all about then, have people always done it, or is it just a sign of how we are as a society these days?

OP posts:
southeastastra · 12/12/2010 20:14

my sisters did this alot, found it weird then and still do but horses for courses i suppose, if they're all happy that's ok

Takver · 12/12/2010 20:16

Since both my mother and my maternal grandparent were brought up by their grandmothers for large parts of their childhood I guess its not that new Grin

To be fair, great grandmother was widowed young, so didn't have a lot of option (though I suspect going back on the stage as a chorus girl probably doesn't hit the respectable widow buttons needed)..

Despite absolutely doting parents, I also got to stay over the night with my nan from a very young age while they went out to parties etc (early 70s).

MrsChemistrySetInMyStocking · 12/12/2010 20:19

The only time this would bother me is if the GPs didn't actually want to look after their DGC every weekend.
If they enjoy doing it, then why the hell not?

spaceman · 12/12/2010 20:24

I agree with op to be honest. It is more common and acceptable today. I think the point being made is that babies and young children (toddlers) are being 'dumped', not infants. Of course it went on - me pils left dh on his first bday and went skiing. But now if does seem as if it's a rite of passage. And I do take offence at the comments about working parents needing more of a break. I have experience as a Sahm and a working parent both full and part time. I can tell you the need to get away from it all is greater for the Sahm.

twopeople · 12/12/2010 20:30

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twopeople · 12/12/2010 20:31

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harpsichordcarrier · 12/12/2010 20:32

'dumping' Hmm
have a Biscuit love

christmasheave · 12/12/2010 20:32

Love the "Sacrifice my life" comment. Genius! PMSL.

Anyhoo back in the 70s and 80s my sister and I were regularly shipped off to my Grandmas and we loved it. I remember clearly being dragged out from behind the sofa by my feet because I didn't want to leave at the end of the break. Mum and Dad got some time child free and Sis and I got spoiled rotten for two weeks - Bliss all around.

As for it being working Mums - well my Mother was a SAHM at the time she was packing us off to Grandma.

My DS has had sleep overs with GPs since he was very little and begs us to arrange another. The relationship he has with them is fantastic. The benefits are huge - for example when DD was in hospital at short notice, he had a "surprise sleepover" and thought it was so fantastic he didn't notice worried mum and dad.

I don't have a one track life where everything revolves around the children and all our lives are richer for it.

mumbar · 12/12/2010 20:38

two people Thats an apt name as I think you and I are similar. I also lived abroad until DS nearly 2yo, and same with relationship with my Mum.

She adores him tho Grin

worm77daisy · 12/12/2010 20:40

I personally couldn't leave my dd with anyone other than my husband overnight (although that hasn't happened yet either), I would be a nervous wreck! Both sets of grandparents have asked and I have replied that I don't feel she is old enough to understand yet.

Neither I nor my husband spent a night away from our parents before the age of 4 and I feel this is about the same as what we will do.

However, as another posted it's horses for courses and all of our friends do it regularly.

Laquitar · 12/12/2010 22:09

Ha, in the 70s i was left not only with grandma but also with every neighboor in the street! It was the norm.
What is new is giving the grandparents list of 'dos and don'ts'. Oh and then coming on mn complaining about grandma and sugar Grin

Our parents did it guilt free. And when we said 'mum i had 15 donuts at grandmas' mum would say 'oh thats great darling, you can go again next weekend' . Parenting was simple back then Grin

Species8472 · 12/12/2010 22:18

We're still waiting for a nght or weekend away after 17 months and will most likely never get one until DD is at University. Bring it on I say Smile.

NorkyButNice · 12/12/2010 22:21

I remember staying at my grandparents' flat fairly often as a child - my sister and I loved it as they spoiled us rotten, so I think we always thought it was a treat for us, rather than that our parents were having a raunchy weekend away (urgh).

But yes, we have enlisted the babysitting help of both sets of grandparents in the 3 years since DS1 was born. The in-laws are having both children for 5 whole nights in March, and then my parents are having them for a couple of nights in June.

I can't wait.

Teela · 12/12/2010 22:21

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Whitethorn · 12/12/2010 22:22

I remember being left as a small child, my mother also reciprocated by minding small cousins. Havent left mine for any more than a weekend.
Its entirely normal whereas I always think that women who cant comprahend leaving their children for one night to spend with their partner are lacking something and basically afraid of alone time with their DH. Weird

omnishambles · 12/12/2010 22:31

Have a Xmas Biscuit or rather a biscotti left over from our lovely weekend in venice last year taken as soon as I stopped bf my toddler.

ChoChoSan · 12/12/2010 22:31

Gosh, what a bizarre attitude to a supportive extended family! DP and I are aboutbto have our first, and not expecting to have the most restful months ahead with a newborn

We are both very grateful that are baby is so wanted and looked forward to by our family and friends, after years of Infertility and sadness.

We are also delighted that our families are so supportive that we know our child will be welcome to stay with them, and we will hopefully benefit from the odd late night out or lie in together, knowing the child is having fun with family. I don't see this as neglecting parental responsibility, and neither would our families , they are normal, kind people.

We have loved having our god daughter to stay with us whilst parents take a much needed break, and I would not deny myself motherhood in case I felt a failure for wanting a break from time to time, I am not that insecure, I know parenting can be tough, and I am grateful for a supportive family!

thesecondcoming · 12/12/2010 22:33

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victoriascrumptious · 12/12/2010 22:36

I used to be left all over the place.

When they couldn't get a baby sitter they'd leave me in the car with a bottle of tizer and some skips while they got pissed inside the pub.

I am perfectly well adjusted. I don't like tizer though

maktaitai · 12/12/2010 22:36

Grandparenting overall probaby has changed a bit, in my view because grandparents are now likely to be older when the first GC arrive, and because they would have had more grandchildren in the past. I'm not that old, but I was quite 'late' in the family and by the time I came along I was one of 15 grandchildren on each side - not surprisingly I didn't have a huge amount of solo time with either grandmother despite the fact that until I was 16 we lived next door to one of them. I think she'd done quite a bit more solo stuff for my older brother, and some of the previous grandchildren.

My mum kindly had ds for the first time overnight (at our house, bless her) when he was three months old. We are indeed fairly pathetic, but it wasn't about going back to our old life, it was about sleeping for 36 hours. We could have done without, it was just very nice to have. We all have IMO lots of things that aren't absolutely essential in life. There are very few as harmless and loving as a child spending time with his grandparents - his GRANDPARENTS for God's sake, not some random stranger.

FrustratedHippy · 12/12/2010 22:39

we were dumped on my grandparents as children as my 'mother' hated being one and my 'father' was an @*%

now we have children because of the above - we have no one to dump them on

I HOPE my children dump their kids on me and dp!

thecaptaincrocfamily · 12/12/2010 22:41

Biscuit very judgy. Oh and I work full time, study full time, rarely go out for the evening and spend most weekends studying while DH cares for the dc for the past year. So judge away because DH and I are going away for a night once my course finishes. DDs will be cared for by our nanny.

bupcakesandcunting · 12/12/2010 22:42

I don't bother dumping DS on grandparents. I just leave him in the house alone. He's fine. He's only 3 so he won't be having wild Facebook parties or smoking heroin off my best spoons. The worst he'll do is live off Nutella eaten straight from the jar. He might get a bit on the upholstery but meh.

ssd · 12/12/2010 22:42

whilst I admit I'm really jealous of anyone out there with gp's or any extended family who readily babysit....Envy

I do agree with the op that some parents treat the grandparents as though the grandparents should have no life other than babysitting their grandkids and I know of a few exhausted grannies who put up with this attitude just to keep the peace

so no op, YANBU

onepieceoflollipop · 12/12/2010 22:42

A close grandparent/grandchild relationship is a real blessing in my experience.

I was fortunate to be extremely close to my grandfather (sadly he died a year before my first child was born). I still miss him, in fact almost as much as if a parent had died I think.

It is a special relationship because as the "child" grows older, they tend to request more time with the grandparent, so it is not a "duty" thing.

I feel sadness that my ils have such a strained relationship with us all, inc the dgcs.

Otoh becoming grandparents brought out the best my own parents. :)