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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

this thing of dumping babies and toddlers on grandparents for a weekend or a week so the parents can have some 'me' time - is it a new thing?

291 replies

myleftcrutch · 12/12/2010 19:12

I don't remember this happening when I was young (back in the 70s). I do remember staying over with relatives or friends when I was much, much older.

But I don't remember this whole culture of leaving your baby or very yonung child with a grandparent for a weekend so you could go on a raunchy weekend away, or just leaving them overnight so you could have a night out and a lie in in the morning?

Pretty much everyone I know seems to do this - and I know this will get me flamed but it seems to be the PARENTS (note I say parents, not mothers) who work full time and see the least of their children as it is who are desperate to get away from them come the weekend.

What's that all about then, have people always done it, or is it just a sign of how we are as a society these days?

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 12/12/2010 22:43

I can't actually believe anyone wrote that title, of course extended families have always looked after the children, whether it be older siblings (which is less common now) or grandparents. My husband spend three months each summer with his paternal grandparents and only saw his parents about twice!

fluffygal · 12/12/2010 22:43

Well my mum lives in Spain and comes back to England once a month. She has DD1 and DS one night when she is in the country- not for me, as I don't go out I stay home anyway- but for her to spend time with them. This year she took them to her house in Spain for a week whilst OH and I went on our honeymoon. Whats wrong with that? My two had an amazing time and can't wait to go back next year!

My two stepsons stay at their GPs every friday night- again, we don't go out (we have an 8 week old DD)it is purely for them to spend some quality time with their GPs. I never had a close extended family, I think its great that my DC's do.

It takes a village to raise a child and all that.

smellmycheese · 12/12/2010 22:44

I was pretty happy with who I was before I had DD. I enjoyed going out every weekend, sleeping in and going on holidays. Well, guess what, I'm exactly the same person. I now just have a beautiful DD! I wouldn't want to go out EVERY weekend anymore, because I chose to be a mother, which is the most important part of my life. However, I'm also a friend, daughter and partner. Those roles shouldn't become neglected imo.

If leaving DD with loving GPs, who she adores is 'dumping' then you have a strange view of what that means. We love having some time to ourselves, but it's also very good for DD imo, to spend time in other settings with other people who love and take care of her.

I consider myself and my DD very lucky that we have wondeful extended family who enjoy playing a big part in her life, when so many people don't have that.

FWIW, I am a mum who takes DD to work with me, not that I think people's working status has any influence whatsoever on their need for time to themselves.

FrustratedHippy · 12/12/2010 22:44

dp does call one gp we know 'the slave' Blush

4plus1 · 12/12/2010 22:45

We went on 'holidays' to grannys in the country for at least 2 weeks. I have the best memories of those times. Thats the great thing about grandparents they have time and patience for the dc. My dad has taught the ds to fish, they bake with granny and do lots of things that are special to that relationship.

Saltire · 12/12/2010 22:47

< dons hard hat, fire retardent suit and fire extingusher>

Yesterday I was asked by the mother of the 2 children i childmind (8.00am-5/5.30 virtually every day) if I would consider taking them on saturday and Sundays when
A) Her DH is working weekends becasue "no way am I putting up with the 2 of them by myself"

B) When her Dh has wekends off so "at least he and I can spend a bit of time together without those 2 getting in the way"

.

BrandyButterPie · 12/12/2010 22:48

In the 80's my parents took me (3yo) on holiday and left the baby sister at home with the grandparents (brass band tour so not suitable for a baby)

In the 60's my Dad was left with his aunties for weeks at a time while his dad worked (single parent family)

In the 40's my nana would look after her younger siblings more than her parents did.

So, no, not new...

Tbh, the idea of a sahm is in fact very new- I am the first woman in my entire family to have the luxury of a couple of years at home, and then proper childcare for when I did go back to work.

Kids SHOULD be fine with various family members - it is the natural way. And if that means that mummy gets to have a glass or two of wine and stay in bed until the sun is up every now and again, well, good on her.

middlechild · 12/12/2010 22:48

Soo wrong. My little boy LOVES his sleepovers with Grandma & Grandpa - and no, its not to get rid of him for the night but more a generous and thoughtful act on our part to aid a special bond between grandparents and grandson.

I miss him like crazy when he goes away for the night but know that my MIL has planned lots of fun and fab things for them to do together on their special days out!

Christmastreedelivery · 12/12/2010 22:49

I think using extended family for support and shared child rearing happens less now.

Lol at the idea the human race evolved, progressed and modernised on the nuclear family model.

Very shortsighted.

Original poster
myleftcrutch · 12/12/2010 22:51

Oh for gawds sake read the OP people PLEASE!

I'm not talking about the fact that extended families have always traditionally provided childcare so the parents can WORK.

I have even read Family and Kinship in East London y'know Wink

It's the ME time. Me, me, me, me, me.

I MUST get away from the children because...why? Don't you even like your children?

OP posts:
CuddlyNotFat · 12/12/2010 22:54

I always feel a bit Envy at people who can leave their DCs with doting grandparents or other family members.

It does seem to happen a lot, but I don't know if it's just because I'm more aware of it because in nearly 8 years DH and I have had 1 night away from our 3.

It's funny though, because I can remember spending weekends quite often with my grandparents...maybe my mum has forgotten that? Hmm

Original poster
myleftcrutch · 12/12/2010 22:55

Imagine "Oh, I'm going on holiday without DH to, you know, get away from him. I must have my me time you see"

Hmm
OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 12/12/2010 22:56

" Grandparents are NOT free childcare."

Do your DCs not want to spend time with their GPs and vice versa? Does it have to be about childcare? If so I feel sorry for you - that's not a family, it's a group of related people who feel they have a certain duty to do.

FWIW DS has just come back from a night with his GPs. They wanted to take him to the pantomime. Then he could either stay the night being spoiled or he could travel an hour back here. They love him and want to spend time with him - much as you say you love your DS. Lets hope you don't form a similar bond to any children he has eh?

Original poster
myleftcrutch · 12/12/2010 22:56

Night all Wink

OP posts:
Christmastreedelivery · 12/12/2010 22:56

I read your op.

I still don't think the human race is meant to use the nuclear family model, be that for child care-work or childcaare-rest and relaxation requirements.

Lol at the idea of having a night to yourself suggests you don't like your children. Very short sighted. Being rested and motivated means a person can dedicate more energy to parenting.

poshsinglemum · 12/12/2010 22:56

Well i got judged on here for leaving dd with a best mate for a weekend whilst i went to Glastonbury and I am a working single mum.

yabu.

maktaitai · 12/12/2010 22:56

Well, I'd agree with you that the phrase 'me time' is vile. Can't see why anyone would use it, but now that it exists you do hear people apparently seriously thinking that it doesn't make them sound like idiots.

Booandpops · 12/12/2010 22:57

Get off- are u mad Richard beckinsale was amazing looking!!!!
I have a 3&5 yr and have occasional weekends away. Once every 18 mths or so and the odd overnighter about 3 a yr. My kids loveit Gps love it we love it. Everyones a winner! I am a part time self employed lady Btw who works only 12-15 hrs a week in school hrs. I still need a break from my wonderful kids now and then.

Also in ye old days. We were off in the woods from 10-5 with some sarnies and mum wasn't worried so maybe parenting wasn't as demanding back then as mums had more alone time whilst kids were out and about having fun

ChoChoSan · 12/12/2010 22:57

OP I dot think it has got anything to do with disliking ones own children, that seems like such a strange presumption...and implies that people who would not leave their children overnight love them more.

From what I can glean, looking after little ones can be exhausting and demanding, and can put pressure on relationships. I would hope that I will be secure and relaxed enough to allow my family the benefits of a mutually supportive arrangement such as this.

poshsinglemum · 12/12/2010 22:58

Er.... I must get away from the children because I need a bloody rest and some adult time.

Spending time with children is lovely but VERY HARD WORK without a break.

StealthPolarBear · 12/12/2010 22:59

And I hate the idea that if you're not willing to sacrifice your very identity for your children then you might as well not have bothered having them. I love my children. I like to work too. The two don't have to be mutually exclusive.

poshsinglemum · 12/12/2010 22:59

me time is a good phrase.

Onetoomanycornettos · 12/12/2010 23:00

Well, I'm sure my parents were only thinking about their work when they skipped off happily for a week leaving us behind with the grandparents every summer...

Some people have always avoided their own children. Children have more one on one time than ever with their parents now, due to labour saving devices and smaller families. In the past, those that didn't like small children sent them away to school, to live with relatives or they were looked after by the extended family. Is nothing new and I don't personally know anyone who wants to avoid their own children, do you?

ravenAK · 12/12/2010 23:02

Dh & I usually take MIL with us to Whitby Goth Weekends. We all do family stuff, then in the evenings we leave MIL relaxing with a glass of wine & go out to party.

Everyone involved gains by it. The kids adore their gm. She adores them, & also gets a free weekend by the sea. Dh & I get a longed-for chance to let our hair down...

However, this March, we're leaving the dc with their CM for the weekend & sharing a cottage with friends instead. Again, the kids will have a blast & so will we.

I really don't get why anyone would see this as a problem. Dumping on resentful gps every weekend in order to go out is a different matter entirely, I suppose, but I make no bones about fancying a night out with dh every few weeks! Nothing to do with not liking my dc or not wanting to spend time with them.

Christmastreedelivery · 12/12/2010 23:02

I'm completely down with the idea of having a holiday away from dh.

Would need to bring laptop for mning, clearly.