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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

this thing of dumping babies and toddlers on grandparents for a weekend or a week so the parents can have some 'me' time - is it a new thing?

291 replies

myleftcrutch · 12/12/2010 19:12

I don't remember this happening when I was young (back in the 70s). I do remember staying over with relatives or friends when I was much, much older.

But I don't remember this whole culture of leaving your baby or very yonung child with a grandparent for a weekend so you could go on a raunchy weekend away, or just leaving them overnight so you could have a night out and a lie in in the morning?

Pretty much everyone I know seems to do this - and I know this will get me flamed but it seems to be the PARENTS (note I say parents, not mothers) who work full time and see the least of their children as it is who are desperate to get away from them come the weekend.

What's that all about then, have people always done it, or is it just a sign of how we are as a society these days?

OP posts:
ChunkyBrewster · 12/12/2010 19:32

My parents would have left me and my brothers with the town drunk if he'd a come a knocking for the chance of a weekend away and some peace and quiet.

Original poster
myleftcrutch · 12/12/2010 19:32

herhonesty, good luck with that Wink

OP posts:
TryLikingClarity · 12/12/2010 19:33

OP - you sound a bit jealous Hmm

I do agree with you though, to a point.... I know two mums (they are cousins) who have left their kids with grandparents each weekend night since birth.

Now, I'm not judging them (or trying not to!) but to me this sounds just a bit odd.

It's not my style at all. But, each to their own.

If the grandparents/aunts etc are happy to do it, then a parent would be daft to refuse.

oneortwo · 12/12/2010 19:33

lifeforrent, why don't you allow it? how old are your children and is it an issue with the care or environment at their GPs?

I'd hate if my DS was the kid who always had to be picked up from sleepovers as he got older because he'd never stayed away before Sad

for the record we've had a night away together without DS ONCE, but if I had more who he could go to I'd love him to, for HIM!

ShanahansRevenge · 12/12/2010 19:34

I don't understand it either. I'm a work at home Mother and I wouldn't want to leave mine at their Grannies...(mind you nither would agree to it anywauy!)

friend of mine is a SAHM and she is always ding it "Oh I must have som me time" bleugh.

My time is in the evening! They go to blinkingbed every night! Why do people need more?

I get a sitter now and then for a night out...the one time I had to stay in London overnight for work I HATED it!

anothernewname09 · 12/12/2010 19:34

LifeForRent- How does the odd weekend (which im sure most of us are talking about) make you a part time mother?

Why would you not let a willing grandparent enjoy your grandson and pend the night? Especially if she "always tries"?

funtimewincies · 12/12/2010 19:34

LifeforRent - do you/will you let him out of the house to go to school?

someone apart from you will have to look after him then. Will it make you any less of a mother Xmas Hmm?

squidgemum · 12/12/2010 19:34

"People didn't use to talk like that in the 70s, did they?"

No, you're right, sadly they didn't. Instead they endured a lifetime of sour marriages and resentful, bitter atmospheres at home because its "best for the children".

NotAnotherNewNappy · 12/12/2010 19:35

YABU - My sister and I were regularly shipped off to my nan and granddad's for the weekend from a very young age. Partly to give my mum a break and partly so that she could do practical things (decorating etc).

We (both me, DSis and my grandparents) all loved it and my DSis and I are both absolutley devoted to my nan and do quite a lot for her now that she is in her old age as a result. Not new and definitely no bad thing, IMO.

tooposhtopost · 12/12/2010 19:37

No, it is not new. If anything, distant fractured families are new whereas extended family childcare is as old as the hills. There is even evolutionary evidence in the form of menopause (families with an older generation free from reproduction benefit from extra childcare and survive better). So grandmothers have actually evolved to provide care for grandchildren.

Personally, my DS and I spent every other weekend of our childhood staying with our grandmother. She, incidentally, worked full time (until the age of 80, running her own business) but loved seeing us, and we her. She also took us away for 2 weeks every summer. I have no idea whether my parents used the time for a raunchy weekend or just to have some peace and quiet. It was win/win - my GM had company and purpose, my parents had a break and my DS and I had a great time.

Going back further, I can't comment too much as both my parents were brought up by nannies so their parents had no need of respite childcare. Mind you, my mother still spent long periods of time with her GM, but then they had full staff (chauffeur, valet, cook etc) so

oneortwo · 12/12/2010 19:37

working parents often spend the weekend working THEN the weekend doing a weeks worth of housework and housey admin and all the chores and bill paying and stuff that SAHMs get to do on weekdays like going to the post office and bank. Does that explain why maybe its hard to relax in their own homes and need an odd night away where the chores and paperwork isn't piled up?

FrumpyPumpy · 12/12/2010 19:38

Oh FFS it depends how often. Every week? Maybe not so good. 3 times a year? Sounds great, and both sets of grandparents are desperate to have DS overnight so we all win. We are happy so tbh who cares what anyone else thinks?

MsKalo · 12/12/2010 19:38

I tend to agree lifeforrent
I do seem to see a lot of parents leaving the kids behind for me time from a very young age - and it does make think sometimes, why bother having them if you want the old life of going out? Each to their own of course and people can do what they want and OP could have probably worded it a bit more sensitively...
I am not saying it is right or wrong, but I do persoanlly feel that kids need their parents around - I know a mum of a 6 month old baby who has already had THREE holidays abroad without baby and leaves baby with GP every other week to go out on the town... I have to admit, I do think it's not right but that's up to her...
With a lot of things nowadays, it is as if the parents come before the baby - it seems very 'what about me'

It is very interesting that some people have been so volatile in their replies to this - why is that? OP is entitled to her opinion - you don't have to like it! The nasty replies make me wonder if there is some guilt going on here!

scruffybird · 12/12/2010 19:39

I agree with you op, it does seem to be the thing to do now, just a bit miffed that me and dh don't seem to be in on the action, but our brothers and sisters seem to be able to do it.
I disagree about the working parents thing though.
I have noticed the go on really good holidays but don't take the kids along trend.
My brother has been to some fantastic places aand yet his ten year old son has never been out of the country.
Just saw the inlaws today actually, who said it was nice to visit us to get a break from ttheir weekend babysitting duties.

Original poster
myleftcrutch · 12/12/2010 19:39

"Does that explain why maybe its hard to relax in their own homes and need an odd night away where the chores and paperwork isn't piled up?"

Confused

You can leave the paperwork but take the kids with you, surely

OP posts:
Abr1de · 12/12/2010 19:41

I did this 12-years ago when mine were toddlers. Just four a weekend or four days. My parents enjoyed looking after them. We enjoyed the time off. The kids enjoyed being with their grandparents (and have a good relationship with them now). We did it while our two had reasonably free weekends, but stopped when they started doing sport on Saturdays and Sundays and when my parents grew frailer. I'm glad we enjoyed it while we were able to.

So where's the problem?

oneortwo · 12/12/2010 19:42

guilt? for ONE night away in nearly 2 years? while DS was with a very competent and doting grandma? yes I'M RIDDLED with guilt

look parents who spend every weekend getting pissed while GP basically raise their kids are BU, parents who NEVER let willing and competent GP have a sleep over are IMO BU too. couples who have a few weekends a year away while kids and grandparents get quality time - why would you attack that?

MsKalo · 12/12/2010 19:42

I think that is terrible scuffybird your poor nephew!

IAPJJLPJ · 12/12/2010 19:43

Oh Crap.....

I am the WORSE PARENT EVER....

I shipped my ds1 off to stay at my parents overnight when he was probably about a year....

He has stayed regularly since then....

:Lucky really because when I then got hypermeresis with ds2 he didn't bat an eye lid when my dear parents took one look at how ill I was and took him to theirs again...

jessiealbright · 12/12/2010 19:44

Yes, much has changed. For example, in Soviet Russia, the children would send the parents to stay with the grandparents.

Seriously OP, are you trying to start a bunfight?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 12/12/2010 19:45

okay I'm going to play bingo, who wants to join

Want to see:

A oooh has the OP hit a nerve

B mention of 'precious moments' TM SM

C more Martyr Mummy posts viz why bother having kids blah blah blah

funtimewincies · 12/12/2010 19:46

Bunfight or 'look, I'm a MUCH better parent than you' by stealth!

LifeForRent · 12/12/2010 19:47

My son is ten months old. And I haven't felt the need for a break, hence I took on motherhood. School is slightly different, as teachers are paid to teach (despite the fact I shall home school for his primary education). Grandparents are NOT free childcare.

oneortwo · 12/12/2010 19:48

y'know plenty of parents who have the odd child free weekend ALSO bring their kids along to lots of other weekends away / holidays - the two are not mutually exclusive

anyway lots of weddings these days are child free - fun weekend with nannie or mobile creche then hotel babysitter? hmmmm

scruffybird · 12/12/2010 19:49

I don't think the op means the odd overnight trip or a few days at the grandparents. I think its more the entitlement to have me time, couple time and hoildays away without children on a regular basis, and the attitude that to include your children in any of this is a chore and unfair on you.