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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really laid into this woman today?

447 replies

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 08/12/2010 23:10

Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't.

Now just to give all the info, my ds has autism and my dd also shows some traits and we are starting the assessment process for her, I told the woman this and she just shrugged but did not say anything else.

Autistic or not though surely it is not acceptable to speak to a small child in this way? It all went quiet and everyone was looking at us but I don't regret speaking up, just felt so angry and upset for dd having that said to her.

OP posts:
spikeycow · 09/12/2010 09:15

What do you mean personal? The OP has been ripped to shreds for nothing by quite a few people. This thread is horrible.

pagwatch · 09/12/2010 09:18

Fair enough. That is your view and I can understand it.

My view would always be to try and abode slanging matches on public . I can always say to my child ' the lady was rude but we don't have to be rude back - it is the same as the not hitting back thing. And if we don't run in the shops then this won't happen again will it'

I would find it harder to explain why mummy was shouting and arguing with a stranger and why I thought being aggressive was ok.

that isn't to say that I have never done it... Had to have the ' mummies special words that we don't repeat' conversation before Grin

pagwatch · 09/12/2010 09:21

I just didn't see why anyone fostering would be a point. But you seem pretty wound up so I will leave you to it.

GiddyPickle · 09/12/2010 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasENormaSnob · 09/12/2010 09:22

Yabu

The woman wbu

your dd wbu

Chandon · 09/12/2010 09:24

Whether your BU or not, you need to drop the attitude OP.

can't stand people who are very sensitive about themselves and their kids, but not at all empathic about others.

Kids do not have "free reign" in supermarkets

spikeycow · 09/12/2010 09:25

Because in fostering you are meant to be non judgemental about the parents, both for relationship building between parent and child and for the childs self esteem. See, I am rational (she tells herself)

Muumimama · 09/12/2010 09:27

OP, you think you are justified because your DD 'might' be on the spectrum and you're upset the woman shouted without knowing about possible autism. If we are working on such 'maybes', maybe your DD bumped her accidentally, maybe thwacked her on purpose? We don't know if it was an accident or not. We don't know, so it's pointless to be so het up. Maybe the woman had the day from hell and overreacted? I've posted on here about the day I shouted at someone I wouldn't normally shout at (charity collector not child) because I just found out I had cancer. Sometimes the unknown - your DD's possible autism, the possibility that your DD perhaps WAS rude, this woman's personal situation - skews a scenario.

You are being a bit OTT and a little bit unreasonable.

pagwatch · 09/12/2010 09:30

" see I am rational" Grin
Too early to be rational.. Grin

I really do see your intent. But a foster parent surely is the last person who should model aggressive confrontation.
Defending a child is laudable. But teaching them to be measure and controlled is vital
Every child is going to encounter rudeness. Of course it isn't ideal. But you defend the child by telling them it was unfair and wrong but that they should rise above it. Feeling entitled to react to every perceived injustice is a bad thing IMO.

spikeycow · 09/12/2010 09:33

I agree with you in theory, honestly Grin
I just didn't like some of the earlier responses on here that seemed judgey in the extreme. It was almost competitive judging. You know what I mean

FindingAManger · 09/12/2010 09:41

if kids are shoving & pushing people in public (not great behaviour & I certainly wouldn't appreciate it), then they can expect to be snapped at. If your kids are running around in a shop without an obvious parent around, I don't think it's unreasonable for adults to call them up on what they perceive as bad behaviour.

OK so the woman could have been a little less sharp or loud, but really you don't know about her or her life or what the rest of her day was like do you? And pushing people is not good - imagine how potentially bad it could be if your child pushed someone who was frail or heavily pregnant & caused them to have an accident/fall. Maybe this person was ill & got a shock/fright when pushed.

If your kids are going to run off & not listen to you, is there any harm at all in OTHER ADULTS letting them know their behaviour is unacceptable? Personally if it was my DD I wouldn't mind & I would hope she might learn to listen to me a bit more from the whole thing.

TaperJeanGirl · 09/12/2010 09:47

Small children in supermarkets are hard work, autism or not, obviously autism makes it that much harder, my girls do not have autism, but do sometimes run off/fight/throw tantrums, (dd1 once threw a massive paddy and took her shoes off and threw them, one landed in a blokes basket Blush BUT, I always apologise, yes my kids are no doubt a pain to others, and other kids are a pain to me, but no parent willingly takes them to supermarkets, sometimes you just dont have a choice, had I have been the woman your dd ran into, i'd have prob said something along the lines of 'woops, careful, are you ok?' so that any adult nearby would have heard there had been a collision and that gives them a chance to apologise, btw I think you were very calm in what you said to this woman, I wouldnt have been nearly as polite!

crumpet · 09/12/2010 09:49

OP you've done yourself no favours. Whether or not the other lady was reasonable to say what she did, your response was rude and aggressive.

If I'd seen you in the supermarket, you would have seen me looking and perhaps smiling, but more in a "look, its real life Jeremy Kyle" way. I would certainly have enjoyed it.

You set a bad example of behaviour to your children and failed to use it as a lesson to your children to not run out of your sight in future.

Colditz has given you some good advice, its good that you want to look into it.

crumpet · 09/12/2010 09:49

OP you've done yourself no favours. Whether or not the other lady was reasonable to say what she did, your response was rude and aggressive.

If I'd seen you in the supermarket, you would have seen me looking and perhaps smiling, but more in a "look, its real life Jeremy Kyle" way. I would certainly have enjoyed it.

You set a bad example of behaviour to your children and failed to use it as a lesson to your children to not run out of your sight in future.

Colditz has given you some good advice, its good that you want to look into it.

Pollyanna · 09/12/2010 09:51

my children got called "bores" once in Waitrose. (bickering at the till)

I punched the woman.

(I didn't really - I gave her what I thought was a hard stare, but was probably a bit pathetic).

Op in your situation I always apologise profusely. gives you the moral high ground and you would probably have found that the woman would also have been more apologetic.

FindingAManger · 09/12/2010 09:58

if you had focused on why this lady was annoyed and made your DD apologise to the woman for the pushing you might have taken something positive for you all out of the situation.

Instead you've taught your DD that if she doesn't listen to you, runs off, pushes people & upsets them, then you will come along and verbally attack that person for daring to be pissed off with your running rampant kid.

AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 10:04

"Anyway I do value all the responses, have weighed them up and still think she deserved what she got. And even on MN I am entitled make up my own mind in spite of the collective opinion, although the response seem pretty fairly split."

the response is overwhelmingly that you were being unreasonable to have 'really laid into this woman'. i just don't understand why you posted in the first place, if you have no desire to poll the site as to whether or not you were being unreasonable. were you just boasting? Confused

wonderif · 09/12/2010 10:11

no your not being unreasonable, i tell you people need to be more tolerant of people, my mum was out shopping with my autistic daughter who is 6 and adorable, not a naughty child nothing but she has a habbit of touching peoples clothes sounds strange but you will know what i mean op.

anyway she bumped into this lady in tescos, from behind maybe trying to touch her crinkly skirt, anyway the lady older lifted her back leg and kicked her away !!!!!!!

oh my god i was fuming, my mum said how dare you gave her the whole rage, sometimes it feels like unless the disabilty is visible some people have no tolerance.

booyhohoho · 09/12/2010 10:13

wonderif her back leg?? how many did she have?

FindingAManger · 09/12/2010 10:24

"sometimes it feels like unless the disabilty is visible some people have no tolerance."

Yet you & your Mum & the OP are assuming the snappish people being fondled/bumped into by your kids don't have any disability/phobias etc of their own! PLEASE LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!!!!

annielon40 · 09/12/2010 10:25

Was the OP being U, dont want to coment as wasnt there but was in a shop the other day when to woman got into a slanging match cos one accused the others child of bashing into her. My god these woman really went for it, swearing and threatening each other, the child started crying but still both adults wanted the last word.

Everyone was staring and many making nervous smiles, even the security staff seemed to not want to get involved, eventually they exhausted each other and moved away. The origninal mother started on the staff then telling them to find the other woman and throw her out of the shop or else?????

TBH was excruciating to watch, especially for the child involved, and other children around including my own, I dont think anyone could believe that this had escalated from an accidental shove from an overexcited child. Maybe christmas shopping had pushed both woman over the edge!!! Was like watching a jeremy kyle episode tho.

The woman with the child did catch my eye and I did give her a nervous smile, too bloody scared not too -what if she had done next!!!!!!!

just a point, have a 2yr old son and have resorted to reins as he would run at any oppotunity anywhere, found some really nice ones that look like a backpack/teddy bear. Took a couple of weeks for him to get use to them but works really well now. Know they are not particularly popular now but everyone comments on how sweet they are and asks where I got them from.

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 10:30

It's the assumptions being made that are totally wrong but then being used to judge me that really bother me, "I suspect op played down her dd s behaviour", why does my dd have to have been the one at fault? Why isn't the assumption just that this woman just wasn't very pleasant and in fact a bit of a bully? Dd is in fact very quiet and scared of strangers, can't make eye contact etc. So many assumptions and judgements on here that you cannot begin to have made without being there but use to judge me. Anyway am leaving thread now as don't have the energy to address and defend some of the absolute nonsense posted on it.

OP posts:
spikeycow · 09/12/2010 10:32

It's a bit strange that people are being nasty and sarky on here yet if their child was shouted at by a wierdy they'd bend over backwards to apologise. Just a thought

classydiva · 09/12/2010 10:34

it is also not acceptable to have children running around supermarkets.

Litchick · 09/12/2010 10:35

But it doesn't matter who was at fault.
Honestly, that's the sort of thing you hear from children - not my fault, not my fault, not my fault.

If you bump into someone by accident, you apologise, no?

Having arguments with total strangers in public is simply not on.
And it doesn't matter how rude they are, you don't stoop to their level.

Manners are what really does set people apart.

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