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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really laid into this woman today?

447 replies

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 08/12/2010 23:10

Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't.

Now just to give all the info, my ds has autism and my dd also shows some traits and we are starting the assessment process for her, I told the woman this and she just shrugged but did not say anything else.

Autistic or not though surely it is not acceptable to speak to a small child in this way? It all went quiet and everyone was looking at us but I don't regret speaking up, just felt so angry and upset for dd having that said to her.

OP posts:
FattyArbuckel · 09/12/2010 07:57

"really laying into this woman" was unreasonable and set a bad example to your children.

It was a trying situation all round by the sounds of it but OP there were better ways to respond.

Animation · 09/12/2010 07:58

Whoa Alpine - chill!!

FrostyTheCrunchyFrog · 09/12/2010 08:09

DS1 doesn't notice other people, so this sort of thing happens to him regularly. I always apologise - it is likely my fault, as he needs pretty close supervision. He has a mac major, but that's no use for the supermarket shop, so I put him in the trolley (not in the seat, actually in the trolley.) probably not safe at all, but at least visible and contained!
YABU, but I can understand why.

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 08:12

Well yes my children ARE my pride and joy. Er is that a bad thing? Confused

The reason I won't bend to the will of those who think I was in the wrong was that I was there and you were not. Others who were there were shocked too and smiled at me and dc afterwards. I would have liked to apologise but I didn't get the chance and neither did dd.

Not to mention the fact that I stopped taking some of your answers seriously after some of you just started making stuff up or running amok, poor parenting, elderly scared woman being accosted by my badly brought up kids, none if this was the case. Anyway I do value all the responses, have weighed them up and still think she deserved what she got. And even on MN I am entitled make up my own mind in spite of the collective opinion, although the response seem pretty fairly split. So you don't need to be "surprised" that I can't see how badly I behaved, I don't HAVE to agree with you and you just have to accept that.
,

OP posts:
gorionine · 09/12/2010 08:15

"Others who were there were shocked too and smiled at me and dc afterwards."

They probably would not have dared telling you anything!Wink

pagwatch · 09/12/2010 08:31

Well shopping is a nightmare and whilst you posted in aibu you seem perfectly comfortable with the way the events rolled out (rather negating the point of aibu but hey...).

I can understand losing it. But I do try to remember that my children are watching how I behave and ds2 has a very literal way of interpreting events. So for me i try to be really clear that
Running into someone = we apologise
And not
Running into someone = we shout and are rude to them.

Hard to bite your lip sometimes but I try to keep the bigger picture, teaching the dcs as best I can, to the fore

katkit · 09/12/2010 08:34

yanbu

Morloth · 09/12/2010 08:35

Avoidingargosthischristmas

"The reason I won't bend to the will of those who think I was in the wrong was that I was there and you were not."

So why ask if you were being unreasonable or not?

spikeycow · 09/12/2010 08:50

Oh FFS. You are obviously not being U. You know you're not so don't listen to all the pot calling kettle stuff just because you defended your child. You were restrained IMO!

spikeycow · 09/12/2010 08:58

And you have to remember Mumsnetters are very unusual in that they react differently to everyone else in quite objective situations. It's obvious you can't call a child horrible in a supermarket, which you know because of the reactions of other shoppers. People are just trying to come across as superior. Or else, TBH, they must be crap parents if they wouldn't defend their child over a slight accident. HTH

MaryBS · 09/12/2010 09:00

I have every sympathy with you, having a 9yo son with an ASD, and knowing how difficult it can be sometimes. HOWEVER, its still no excuse for HER rudeness - ie the woman.

Litchick · 09/12/2010 09:00

Yes, the other lady was rude, but your reaction, in front of your children was worse.

We have to teach our children that running and pushing is not acceptable, particularly around old people who can fall and really hurt themselves (not like little children).

We also have to teach them not to get into public disagreements which make each participant look, frankly, low rent.

NinkyNonker · 09/12/2010 09:01

Why ask AIBU if not prepared to hear that perhaps you were.

No-one has 'laid into' you or been harsh, some people have disagreed. Doesn't mean they are stupid, or haven't read the thread etc etc...they just disagree/have different standards.

spikeycow · 09/12/2010 09:02

And the foster carer on here?!? How do the parents of the children you look after feel about you being soooo judgemental? Part of fostering is working with parents is it not? WOW

pagwatch · 09/12/2010 09:03

Eh?

spikeycow · 09/12/2010 09:04

Yep different standards that children can be laid into by any adult for practically nothing, just because it's an adult. What if a teacher spoke to your child like that? Is that fine? Or would it be different because it was your child?
This thread is nonsense. Rise above it OP

mamatomany · 09/12/2010 09:04

The better way to handle this would have been to say in a quiet voice, as if you are talking to a small child, "do not raise your voice to my child, I assume you are not hurt then you have no right to be rude". And then walk off with your head held high, screaming like a banshee just proves her right in her own mind that you are raising a little horror.

spikeycow · 09/12/2010 09:05

Pagwatch, the foster carer who is preening herself a few pages ago.

Litchick · 09/12/2010 09:08

I would have simply apologised, despite the other person's rudeness.

Never lower your own standards.

Now the woman belives, with some justification, that the child was horrid because her Mother behaves badly in public.

Good manners in response to poor ones are the best way to go.

GiddyPickle · 09/12/2010 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasMooningArse · 09/12/2010 09:09

Keeping hold of an asd kid in a supermarket isn;t easy OP, don;t feel abd- my ds3 (7) still runs on occasion and oftentimes ds1 at 11 will be going around on all 4's. usually with me begging him to get up, but nonetheless there are limits to what you can do.

OK you over reacted, having been there with the kids bolting I suspect adrenaline was invoved; learn from this. And she didn't know about the ASD but she was absolutely rude.

Learn from it, maybe try a differet shop (tesco is terrible with my boys- it's the lights I think that trigger it: any Tesco, anywhere) and next time stick to 'I don;t think that was very appropriate' as a retort. If you might find it ahndy as well you can get cards from the NAS with an explanation of ASD on that you can just hand out so no reply is even needed.

pagwatch · 09/12/2010 09:10

If my dc was running when they shouldn't be and ran into a teacher, I would expect the teacher to point out that they shouldn't be running and that barging into people is rude.
Of course the woman in the ops situation was rude but 'laying into' another adult isn't a great

pagwatch · 09/12/2010 09:11

Spikey

I wouldn't make it so personal tbh.

spikeycow · 09/12/2010 09:13

Well she was defending her child so it's fine IMO. I don't believe anyone would make their child apologise after being called names by an adult. It doesn't sound real, and if they would do that, they should think about how their child views it.

bruffin · 09/12/2010 09:15

"Or else, TBH, they must be crap parents if they wouldn't defend their child over a slight accident. HTH"

I have been in exactly in the same position as OP. When DD was 2 we were on the 3 part of journey from Dorset to Herts.
DD got up to get something from pushchair. The train jolted and she fell into a passenger. The passenger (a young women) launched into dd and was very rude.
I politely told her that she what she said was completely unnecesseray
She then started saying DD had been whinging since she got on the train.

I then pointed out that DD was only 2 and had already been on a 2 hour train journey and a half an hour bus and she had been very well behaved all day.
I didn't need to lay into the passenger as op, being polite to her embarressed her enough as it was.
We then decided to sing the "wheels on the bus" for the rest of the journey Grin

In the above case my DD had genuinely not done anything, the OP's case her DD obviously had done something to the lady, which i suspect the OP had played down her dds behaviour and enhanced the rudeness of the lady in the supermarket.