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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really laid into this woman today?

447 replies

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 08/12/2010 23:10

Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't.

Now just to give all the info, my ds has autism and my dd also shows some traits and we are starting the assessment process for her, I told the woman this and she just shrugged but did not say anything else.

Autistic or not though surely it is not acceptable to speak to a small child in this way? It all went quiet and everyone was looking at us but I don't regret speaking up, just felt so angry and upset for dd having that said to her.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 11:31

couldn't agree more, santa.

booyhohoho · 09/12/2010 11:31

it is absoloutely fine to defend yourself. but there are better ways of doing it than using agression. it's a horrible thing to teach a child.

AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 11:32

bullying is a sustained course of action, you can't really bully someone as a one-off.

altinkum · 09/12/2010 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PercyPigPie · 09/12/2010 11:37

This is Mumsnet at its absolute worse. I can see why you are/were feeling frazzled and I'd go and post on Special Needs where you might git a bit of compassion.

monkeyflippers · 09/12/2010 11:39

Haven't read all the replies so don't know what others have said but I think you were completely right to stick up for your children. What they were doing really wasn't that bad and the woman was out of order to talk to them like that.

Read that someone said that the children should never have been round an corner and so out of your sight in the first place . . . that person has obviously never been shopping with a couple of kids (esp not with autism)!

booyhohoho · 09/12/2010 11:39

mudandmayhem you mustn't have been around long if you think this is MN at it's worst.

Animation · 09/12/2010 11:40

I'm saying you need to equipt your kids with the go-ahead to DEFEND themselves. They may have to deal with bullies at some time in their life and they'll have no chance if they don't feel they're allowed to REALLY stand up to them - and that they must act dignified at all times.

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 11:44

Aitch I have to wonder if you are actually reading my posts or having too good a time twanging your judgey pants around to bother?

I did not "square up" to the woman for starters, I asked her to repeat what she had said to my daughter in front of her mother to indicate that she was being cowardly by only saying when no-one was around, needless to say she didn't btw she was a lot bigger than me and could have wiped the floor with me in that kind of confrontation. She was not "elderly" she was in her thirties.

"i really like it when people give my kids a row, as it happens. so this might be why my opinion is so different from the OP's. i think children need to learn that they will get a telling off from other adults" you actually REALLY LIKE that do you? Wow I bet your kids feel safe knowing that they needn't bother going to Mum when another adult gives them a hard time because she actually LIKES it. Pretty dangerous message to send imvho to small children. Must feel very unsafe. Kids see things in black and white, they are not articulate enough to express why things make them feel bad and they need to be able to depend on you to be their advocate.

I didn't scream at the woman, my voice was loud and firm, she was the one doing the screaming and she was the one who drew the attention of the surrounding shoppers, shocked glances were not directed at me.

As for security, yes I should have called them shouldn't I? a grown adult verbally abusing my daughter like that and getting in her face.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 11:46

but the child wasn't being bullied, animation. the OP was just giving them permission to go off at anyone who pisses them off.

i think this thread is a bit bonkers, tbh.

Mishy1234 · 09/12/2010 11:47

I haven't managed to read through everyone's posts (2 sick DC's and a man flu victim to deal with!), but no OP I don't think you were unreasonable.

As adults we are supposed to have restraint. We are supposed to know that children sometimes are unaware of their surroundings and get taken up in the moment (autism aside, all children have these moments). We are supposed to be able to hold our tempers and respond to children in an appropriate manner, not lose it and start calling a little child names.

This woman was completely out of order imo and good on you OP for speaking up. I hope she felt completely ashamed of herself.

AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 11:48

just read your latest post, OP, and repeat that this thread is bonkers. Grin lord knows why you posted it.

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 11:48

Agree Animation.

I would rather my kids knew that if things went wrong they can rely on me while they are too small to sort it out themselves. I don't really subscribe to the "all kids are naughty and all adults are right" default position that some on here seem to subscribe to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 11:50

And yet you have invested so much time in it Aitch.....perhaps we could conclude that there is more than one bonkers poster on this thread.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 09/12/2010 11:50

lol.

pantomimecow · 09/12/2010 11:53

FGS OPS kids did wrong they got called on it and OP is too insecure about her parenting skills to accept that.

MrsNonSmoker · 09/12/2010 11:53

AvoidingArgos - you just can't say anything right here, I think you handled it fine, people talk to kids like dirt and think they can get away with it.

I thought a woman had pushed my DD whilst shopping in Asda, I couldn't quite make it out and my DD looked upset so I asked her quietly "did that lady push you?", she said no it was ok, then next thing you know this freak came screaming down the aisle "how dare you I am an adult you are a fucking fat cow you are disgusting" but she ran off before I could call security. I just said to the children don't worry, unfortunately you do meet people like that in life, try to ignore them.

In a supermarket at the weekend cos of everyone being snowed in it was packed, and people were constantly pushing the children, I should have told them to say to every single adult that pushed them "you are a rude and horrible person" in the hope that the adult would then apologise. Yeah, they would apologise wouldn't they.

Animation · 09/12/2010 11:56

I'm not saying the child was 'bullied'. An adult shouted at the child and used profanity. The mother stood up to the adult, and in so doing demonstrated to the child that some situations call for a confrontational response. In future, the child will be able to draw from experiences such as this when dealing with hostile situations - whether they are single incidents, or sustained bullying. In so doing the child is learning how to DEFEND - a very important skill.

FindingAManger · 09/12/2010 11:57

AIBU at it's best.
OP - AIBU to have REALLY LAID INTO THIS WOMAN ?(not to have spoken in a firm voice, but the have really laid into her - your words OP)
Majority of posters - YES YOU ARE!
OP - No I'm bloody NOT!! Any why are you all being so judgey & mean to me? You clearly don't stick up for your kids!

Then why ask AIBU? ITS A BLOODY QUESTION & you invited a response!! As someone suggested I think the post was probably intended to be some kind of boast about being 'ard or something and it's all backfired a little bit.

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 11:57

"wrong", my kids did "wrong" by accidently bumping into someone. Now that is bonkers. For the record it was only one child who did "wrong".

OP posts:
RustyBear · 09/12/2010 11:57

Actually the thing I find most interesting on this thread is how many people seem to automatically assume the lady must have been old because she was rude.

Ageism still seems to be the only prejudice that is acceptable on MN...

Debs75 · 09/12/2010 11:58

fishtank SW's are activerly against wriststraps and harnesses as we are 'restraining' the child against their wishes. They believe you should be able to look after them safely without need for any restraints.
As an experienced parent of ASD I can safely say it is almost impossible to look after my ASD ds without harnesses and straps. It doesn't mean I can get them on him without a huge fight.

OP I wish we coud avoid Argos but it is DS's favourite shop.
By the way YANBU to be angry with the other woman and looking back I am sure you can see how you could of worded it better but in the heat of the moment it is easy to let rip, I know I have

Original poster
Avoidingargosthischristmas · 09/12/2010 11:58

To me talking in a louder than usual raised voice is "laying into someone" I don't do it very often, it was a lot more confrontational than I like to be, especially where I live.

OP posts:
FindingAManger · 09/12/2010 11:59

animation where's the profanity in "you horrible little girl"?

3seater · 09/12/2010 11:59

AvoidingArgos I think that Mrs.NonSmoker is right 'you just can't say anything right here'.

As you know, sometimes you have to pick your battles Grin. I don't think this thread should be one of them.

Hope you can have a chat with a good mate, or do something this avo that might make you feel good.

Goodness knows with two DC (esp with sn) you need all teh support that you can get Smile