To have really laid into this woman today?

[Avoidingargosthischristmas]

Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't.

Now just to give all the info, my ds has autism and my dd also shows some traits and we are starting the assessment process for her, I told the woman this and she just shrugged but did not say anything else.

Autistic or not though surely it is not acceptable to speak to a small child in this way? It all went quiet and everyone was looking at us but I don't regret speaking up, just felt so angry and upset for dd having that said to her.

A) her DD isn't diagnosed autistic
B) 'there are plenty of ways of managing ASD behaviour' Pity the OP wasn't using any of them

Right. The woman was right to say something to your DD, no doubt about that. But she was unreasonable to go as far as she did, ASD or no ASD.

However, you were also unreasonable (as much or more so) for your 'come and have a go if you think you're hard enough' attitude/response. The best way to have dealt with it if you think your DD was wronged, would be to say something very neutral to the woman ("please do not speak to my children in that way" etc) and walk quickly away, and then deal with the children. You shouldn't absolve your DD of blame, but explain in a calm way why the lady shouted at her.

Sometimes it's not a good thing to go all mama-bear-protecting-her-cubs.

the child bumped into soemone, she didn't mean it. an apology was still in order, her actiosn casued inconvenience or distress to another. for that you apologise whetehr intentional or not.

the woman was out of line for calling the child horrible and rude. she should have reminded the child to be careful and if she was hurt she should have spoken to the child's parent.

the child's mother, after hearing the woman shout should have called the child back to apologise and then reminded the woman taht it was a child she was calling names and that her response was uncalled for. then you remind your DD to take care when out in public not to hurt or upset other people.

"Out shopping with dc today, in a shop when my kids disappear round the end of the aisle, I follow them within seconds only to hear someone shouting "be careful you rude, horrible little girl!" at my 4 year old dd, apparently she had pushed past this woman while trying to catch her brother. I said to the woman "are you talking to my daughter, because if you are how dare you speak to her like that, she is only four years old!". She replied "old enough to know not to push then". I then said "would you have spoken to her like that if you had seen an adult with her close by? Go on do it again, speak to my four year old daughter like that again right in front of me". She didn't."

i read that as pretty rude behaviour, tbh, pushing past someone to chase her brother.

of course the woman could have handled it differently, and as a parent i would wish she had, but a small child pushing into you can knock you off balance quite dramatically (as we all know) so she may have responded out of character.

so imo not quite an accident. definitely avoidable behaviour that the woman should have received an apology for, before being reminded that she needn't have shouted quite so aggressively at a young child. there are ways and means of sticking up for a child, imo, and causing a big shouty scene is not one of them, it's a useless bit of modelling.

My children have been told off in public, balls not given back, told to be careful etc. I didn't have a word to say because they weren't called names, just told in a reasonable manner by an adult. Massive difference

I read your OP very carefully. You said that your DC were out of sight for a few seconds. That is not within a few steps or so. You did not see what your DD did to the lady. I agree, that maybe she may have spoken to your DD a little sharply, but you were completely U in your reply to the lady.

You should keep your DC very near to you when shopping, both for their and others' sakes.

As someone said earlier up the thread we are aghast if people don't stop a child from running out of a shop, yet we don't want others to say anything if our DC are badly behaved. We cannot have it both ways. You were just lucky that the lady your DD bumped into was not one of the people described by annie above.

You posted on AIBU, but don't want to hear when you are.

Yeah!! - children will be children - and should NOT be called names by another adult.

Damn right the OP was offended and said so. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Some of you folk who say it NOT OK to lay into this name-caller seem to have no trouble laying into the OP.

i really like it when people give my kids a row, as it happens. so this might be why my opinion is so different from the OP's. i think children need to learn that they will get a telling off from other adults than myself and dh, in fact not only that they need to learn that sometimes life isn't fair and they will get ones that go over and beyond the crime. and my eldest is still only four, in case you were wondering.

I am surprised the woman didn't get security, I would have if someone spoke to me like that in a shop.

I am a bit mystified at this thread - I have 3 'spirited' children, between 2 and 6yo. They have all been guilty of bolting from me in the shops at one time or another (ds1 eneded up with an injury as he slid and fell and bumped his head (requiring a special 'injury form' to be completed by a store assistant)- so I am not a paragon of virtue in the controlling little ones in the shops stakes.

BUT (and I have a biig but!) I am responsible for their behaviour and always apologise and contain situations where I feel my children are being too disruptive. Lets face it - we are all grumpy gits in supermarkets - constantly griping about people leaving their trolly's in inconvenient places and jostling to get to the shelf we require or trying to get past a gossiping group taking up a whole aisle. No one in their right mind actually wants to be there - so the temptation to say nasty snide things to each other in and out of earshot is huuuuge.

If this had happened to me I would not have shouted at the woman (I really don't do shouting in public) - I would have given her my bestest quizzical and dismissive look while saying 'sorry' - told my children to be more careful and not to run ahead in a shop (for the gazillionth time) - then thought of a polite restrained yet witty and cutting remark that I should have made to this unpleasant woman when I was back at home. Then moved on, as you will OP when the adrenaline has left your system.

Have a cuppa and nice biscuit.

utism doesn;t start the minute you get a dx and if the medics have told the mum she ahs traits of asd then she has effectively got a verbal dx

Oh but its OK for her to speak to a small child like that? I'm leaving this thread it's a load of cack

has a single person said that it's okay for the woman to have spoken to a small child like that, spikey?

Someone has just said the bully had the right to call security!!! After speaking to a young child like that!

Wrt to the manging behaviour- oh it's a complex one. IME dx often carries a time of depression, shock- generally referred to as bereavement. Quite often people can be absolutely ineffective on that time, or be mesmerisingly efficient depending on their personality. You would also need to know that it ahd happened before to expect a behaviour management plan to be in palce, or quite possibly if (many do not) Mum hasd any access to any form of behavioural support.

but absolutely i think Mum responded in the wrong way to the lady, i;d have expected lady to have been a bit shcoked and whilst personally would not lower my standards to call a child a horrible little girl, I get that both aprties were adrenaline fuelled ehre.

Which is why I would want to try and help Mum to find ways of moving forwards rather than alienating ehr from quite possibly the only ehlp she is likely to get with nastiness.

Op- there's a aplce called crelling; i fund their waist ahrness invaluable with ds3 until he was six or so. It's a hardchoice to make but worth a think IMO.

on a side note. ds is 5 and walks beside the trolley holding onto the handle, but i have noticed that people seem to not see him, or maybe ignore him because he is a child and they steer their trolleys as if he isn't there, i.e; if they are walking towards me, tehy don't leave enough space for him to pass so i am forever saying "ds move in behind me, keep out of the way" it happens constantly and he panics that he wont get moved fast enough and trips or stumbles, and if i keep him behind me then i can't keep and eye on him. what do others do? has anyone else noticed this or is it just me?

Lol spikeycow don't blame you, thanks for trying anyway.

I hope this woman bullies the wrong persons child one day I really do. Then she might need security alright. I can't belieeeevvveeee people are defending her

of course she had the right to have called security, the OP had just squared up to her!

so we are agreed, then, that no-one has said it was okay for the older woman to have shouted at the OP's dd?

When i was little my sister + i each had jobs - i would tick off the list + she would pick up the items for mum. The shop took longer but we didnt get so bored.
Now, if i was out + a kid was to push me i would just say 'you need to be more careful + stay with your mum'.
The old lady in OP's post wasn't nice but i've learnt with old people that they get easily scared and react badly to others as: some are in the first stages of dementia, some have very poor sight, hearing + balance, and the worst fear of many is of falling.

I had my toe broken when a small child knocked a pile of tins over and one landed on my foot.

I never said a word to the child, never received an apology and was followed as I limped round the shop by giggling siblings. One of the members of staff spoke to the parents who saw no problem with what had happened.

An apology would have made my day a lot better

"I'm leaving this thread it's a load of cack"

Yeah I am too.

(>)
( ... )

Aitch - I agree (though I don't like it when my dc are told off) as I do think part of growing up is learning to be aware of and considerate of other people and to manage people who are either unreasonable or have different thresholds of accaeptable behaviours - unfortunately my children seem to save all their hideous behaviour just for me... and generally in the short walk from and to school where no one else is inconvenienced[bah]